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Hi Malinda,
Sorry for not being in touch but frankly I have been super busy at work and have not really been on this site. The biggest problem I see here is that in your heart of hearts you still have not really accepted the fact that he is not ready nor willing to marry you right now. I told you while back that you cannot force anyone to commit if they are not ready it does not mean they do not love you they simply do not see life and choices same way as you do and don’t want those things at this stage of their life.Sometimes it is just about bad timing between two people. You gave him ultimatum and the fact that he did not bend to it you chose to see as sign he does not love you enough but I keep telling you love is accepting the other person as they are faults and all even when they don’t do what you want. If what they have to offer is not enough for you then you need to step away from that person because the point is not to be miserable when you are with the person you love. The problem here is you still concentrate solely on him and him not being in your life and the fact that he is so successfull and he did not love you. When the case was he does but not in the way you want i.e the marriage etc.That is what you need to accept first and also work on you make you feel confident in your abilites and who you are. Marriage cannot be a validation of someones love for you, the fact that he kept trying to contact you for so long despite nc and all shows he does he just cannot give you the commintment you want.Also just because he has good job it does not make him better person than you are or superior to you. So he has money, he has good job but think of the things he is lacking in his personality or now that he does not have you? He is not the person who defines your value. You are. So stop looking at his FB or any other social media things. What he does is irrelevant as long as he chooses not to fully commit to you. What is relevant is what you do and how you feel. It is okay to miss him and have sad moments but you are wallowing now and maybe you need to talk to someone because it is beginning to sound bit like depression? Just a suggestion and I could be wrong. But to be honest your life is not ruined,your heart was broken and it takes time to heal but you gotta want to heal for you. Not for him. Life is not over, you are still young and life is full of opportunities but they wont come to your door to knock you have to go after them so instead of spending all the time thinking of him start looking for ways to fill your days with positive things that mean you think everyday five minutes less of him.Start figuring out what you want from life (besides him and figuring ways to work towards those goals) and you know what you will start healing slowly and little by little but you gotta to try, stop saying you are weak since you are not you just need little support and help and belief in yourself and you can do it. Think about this. There is no magic trick for moving on it comes from when you start loving yourself and be happy in yourself and that takes work. Work on that and you will feel better. I speak from personal experience there.
I am sorry that you are hurting but I have to say honestly that your relationship is really toxic and the imbalance on it is too big at the moment for it to work.
You sound like super nice and decent guy but what you havent realized you cannot fix another person. They must want to make the change and only then you can support them on their path but that desire to make changes must come from them. She has serious issues mentally and she needs to deal with her family situation before she can enter a relationship. Her need to seek approval from her mother at any cost speaks about very controlling mother daughter relationship and frankly not a healthy one. I had an iffy relationship with my mother when I was younger and until when I was in my early twenties I took control and confronted her about things could we work on it and fix it. And now as result we have great relationship where I make my decisions and I dont need her approval, all I need is her to listen and say ok as long as you are happy and she is supportive despite not always liking my boyfriends. But like I said this is something that your girlfriend needs to do herself and I think she needs therapy to work herself on to that point but as long as she is abusing medication there is no chance for her to be in any kind of relationship trust me any relationship she will enter will be the same disaster as long as she has these issues and is addicted. She and her family can blame anyone for it but responsibility is hers and hers alone. So dont let them make you feel guilty. You need to work on this knight in shining armor complex that you have. You have to realize you cannot save other people if they don’t want to be saved nor changed them to be what they should be and you cannot entirely sacrifice yourself to prove the other that you are there for them. In normal healthy relationship it is give and take and you can still be yourself and not having to constantly prove to other person that you love them , are there for them etc. Being in a relationship should not be a full time job.Like I said you sound like really nice guy but ask yourself this do you honestly want this rollercoaster back to your life? Because that is what it will be as long as she seeks help for herself. You cannot make her, you cant change your family and you cant get her give up the medication. She needs to want to do that so do you really want to throw your life away for few more years into an emotional hell? Because if you do that then I think you need to see therapist too because then you do not love yourself enough. Loving someone a lot should not be an obsession. When you love someone it should be about you want to be with them but you dont need them. When it is a need then it usually spells not dealt issues from past and lack of self esteem. I let love of my life go because he was unsure what he wanted to do with his life but I let him go without fight because I love him so much that I want him to be happy. I still want him almost year and half later but I dont need him to be happy. I have lots of happy moments with my friends and family and yes I sometimes miss him unbearably but I did the right thing for both of us.We separated with love and if we ever meet again and feel the same great and if not I am okay with that too because my life is not over and there is so many things I can do and achieve. You need time to heal and you should take that time. Of course I cannot stop you from trying to get your ex back as that is your decision entirely and if the situation was different without all those issues with her family and addiction I would say good luck but I have to be honest I dont see this one working with the current situation regardless your best and good intentions. This of course is just my opinion and you can ignore it all you like, I am not miss know it all but I do have closer to 15 years more life experience so I know something : ).I certainly wish you all the best of luck as you have kind heart what ever you decide to do in this situation because you deserve to be happy.
That is the problem here your actions and you just refuse to see it.Read the sentence “I try to tell him we need to talk to get to the root of our problems”. This is what you do you try to push him to do what you want and need which is to discuss this now regardless if he is ready and to change certain behaviors but that has to come from inside of him and it has to be something he wants to do and he is clearly not there you can only work on how you react and act on situation. You ask why does he say he misses you but does not then get back with you. Feelings do not die in one night so he has feelings for you and yes he misses you but he has his reasons not to get back with you. But you are not giving this process any chance to work because you keep contacting him (you continuing texting him once he stopped comes across clingy and guys dont like that). And you are not giving him realistic chance to miss you and figure his feelings out and also you taking time to work on your relationship skills. The thing is if you contact him any chance you get and send messages like you described you come across needy, clingy and desperate. I know you want him back but the way you go about it is guaranteed way to loose him so please for your own sake do this right go for nc and really work on it. I am saying this from experience not just my own but friends as well .
I’m gonna be honest there is few red flags here why I think your relationship will not work even if you do get back together unless you do something about it. Right now you guys arent fixing the real issues and when relationships become this on and off thing it will not work long run and I assume you want this a bit longer? First you need to figure out why you fight so much what type of things start the arguments and how you behave during those arguments. Why I say you is because you cannot fix him and his issue , you can only work on you. So what you need to work on is figuring out the root cause for the arguments why do they start and what is the trigger? (you may think that they are about different topics but in the background there is one main cause.) I mean if he is always saying to you during these arguments and after that he does not love you and he feels you are making him to be with you (that is crap, you cannot force people really unless they let you.) he is feeling some kind of anger or resentment towards you. Maybe from the first breakup or something there is certainly some anger or resentment left because those words hurt you and he knows that and when you are happy and in balanced relationship you do not hurt the person you love so what happened between you two to cause that? Relationships take two to tango and therefore both contribute to the failure of it in different ways. If you are genuinely serious getting him back then you do NC and you will keep it no matter what. Your behavior of begging, messaging, calling has irritated him even further and he will need time to calm down, get over his anger and resentment and I am sorry to say that every time you will give in and contact him you are your chances getting him back so when you feel like giving in think about that. Because he will most likely need more than month to first cool off and then start sorting his feelings out and I know that is not what you want to hear but I have seen this type of thing before so be smart about it.And the one thing you should not do is think that what he said after the first break up applies to second break up it does not so reminding him of that is mistake. If you work on yourself during this time and really apply the nc, yes there could be a chance of getting him back but give him the space and time now minimum 30 days or bit longer.I really do wish you good luck. You both need the time to re-evaluate your relationship and learning what is the cause for these frequent arguments so you can work on it. All the best.
Listen, there will always be people who will judge or think not nice thoughts about you we all have that. The thing people who matter like your real friends, family and this guy like you for who you are faults and all so rest of the world do not matter. I have embarrassed myself many times and you know what the best cure is simply to learn to laugh at yourself and brush it off. Sometimes I tell people of those moments when I really embarrassed myself as funny anecdotes and I laugh and that is what people like, if you can laugh at yourself and not take it so seriously then you are good, people I am sure already like you and if something embarrassing were to happen just laugh about it and you know what people forget it that it happened at all. Because I think what happens is you spent the time trying to ensure you dont say or do anything what you consider embarrassing and you forget to enjoy the moments and you pull back, stop thinking about too much, join in have fun and by god if you do something embarrassing just laugh and you will see people will also laugh but not at you but with you and it is more fun that way and they move on faster from it. Just remember you are not boring and you dont need to worry what other people think it matters what you think not what others do. : )
You need to work on your self esteem. This is not a first post where you call yourself boring and how you dont want to bore him. Why do you view yourself boring?He chose you in the first place, and he chose to come back to you. Do you think he would have done that if he thought you are boring? You already have the best bit that you are 100% comfortable with each other You dont need to try to come up with activities to be fun and exciting. Have you considered that you already are fun to be with because he can be himself with you? Exciting you dont need to come up with massive amount of things to do all the time it can be little things,cook romantic dinner and put on something sexy or attractive, play a funny board came (that can be seriously fun, try it), go for picnic, get tickets for some event (did you say he likes bikes?) and it is enough if you just are yourself and once every now and then break the routine of what you do and do something different but it does not need to be something big, think small and it can lead to unexpected big fun. Fun is not something you massively plan it should be more organic than that. Keep in mind that he fell in love with you as you are and he wanted to come back to you, if you suddenly start being this upbeat, excitable, extreme fun fun person he will wonder who is this and might not enjoy company of that person. What excites a guy is a girl who has good self esteem i.e who values themselves and that is what you should do value yourself because I am sure you are perfectly fun person to be around and not boring at all. Chin up girl and keep it simple and I am sure you can think of many things to do with him .
Liz, I dont want this to come out harsh but I am going to be honest with you. You have said several times how you are done and you cannot do this no more and then he senses you are pulling away and he behaves nicely says couple of right things and boom you are back believing you can work it out. But the thing is he will not commit to you, because he does not have to because you are there when he just bends a finger and beckons you to com over. You both need time apart from each other with no contact (no sex, no driving him around, no staying in his place, no watching his kids). Sort a place to stay like that friend and take a time to think and see how he has been towards you and really figure out what you want, it is also the only way he can see how much you really do for him because when you are no longer there it gives him a chance to figure out what he wants and then you both get the answers you need and see if this is something you even want to save. You think you need this guy but you are strong. loving beautiful woman and what you need is love and respect in return and this guy is not giving you anything real , he is using you. Of course you will do what you want to do but I had to say it as I so badly want you to respect yourself and value yourself. The Amanda girl is in serious need of some help for her mental issues and that you let yourself stay in the drama those two create and get involved is beyond me. Time to take a step away and really see what you need and heal yourself. If you dont take this space this situation will just go on and on and once he finally ditches Amanda there will be someone else because he does not need to figure out what he wants and make a real choice because you keep yourself available to him and I wish I was wrong but I am not. So please re-think what you are doing. You are both participating in a game and it is time to stop it.
Dear Liz, It was never about you listening our advice it was about you not respecting yourself and valuing yourself and all the love you give. Problem with this guy is that he has had his cake for several months now and eating all of it. Meaning he has two women in his leash and he can just mentally play games with both you to get what he wants. He is not a good person because good person would not do this to people he claims to love. He loves himself only. I mean see everytime you said ok you are done he puts all the blame on you like you are trying to control him etc when you have not done so at all. Also in those times he wants to hug you, tells he wants a future with you and the moment he feels he got you secured and he can enjoy all the things you do for him (love, companionship, sex, driving him around, cutting his hair, taking care of his kids and any needs he have) he starts treating you in a disgusting manner and reverts more back to Amanda. You and Amanda enable him and I really really hope you stick with it now and take some time away from him for you. Because what you have given him is amazing and he has over and over again thrown that back at your face and treated you in such disrespectful way. You should take that friends offer to stay with her and just keep your distance from him at least a month to just breath,think and see what you want for you. You are stronger than you think honestly you are but this guy has been messing with your self esteem and made you think opposite. He did not define your life before you met him couple years again and he does not define it now. You do so as hard as it is and as hurt and painful it feels you can heal from this and move on. He needs to make a choice and you need to make sure until he really has chosen you and Amanda is out that you dont sleep with him, dont meet with him no contact. I really wish you all the best because you are so much more amazing than you believe right now yourself. Just take time for you.
Dear Liz, think about the thugs he says and does to you and then think about who you really should put first here. He says if you go to this friend who offered you a place to stay unlimited time where generous offer considering you don’t want to go to Tay with your family so instead of takin it you won’t because he does not like we and you loose him????if he cares about you would he not ask where you go and prefer you to have a place to stay that is safer than a car????you defend him by saying it is not his responsibility to care where you stay so why won’t you listen to that then if it is not his responsibility then why are you icing him control of that too? He controls who is in your life and then says that it is you who is controlling. He is playing mind games and playing a victim when he is selfish and immature and you really need to say enough is enough and stop being a doormat which you have been and start respecting yourself . Everyone commenting here gets your pain cos we all have been through it and we see you are down but we all see how great person you are and we want only that you would see it too and just take full nc for while stop all contact and concentrate healing you and before you say you can’t yea you can. If he genuinely loves you then takin. The space will make him see what he is missing and if he does not change his behavior then it is lucky escape for you because he will destroy you if you let this go on. I am sorry to be so harsh but reading this makes me angry on your behalf when it should be you getting mad at him for treating you like this instead of me and say enough is enough I am worth love and respect ad kindness.
So there is no one and I dont mean in the place you live now but are you saying there is no person in any other place where you lived or relative who could offer you a place to stay until you find a new job and then place to live? Please re-think anyone you have ever know even if you have not been in touch lately it does not mean you cannot reach out. And maybe getting out of that city/town would do you good? Or if not try to work it out with your parents at least for couple of months so you can get yourself the additional job to get a place to live or even if you rent a room but honestly you need to get away from that guy like Jasminka said you have given everything and all he does is hurt you. He is the control freak and he is controlling you by giving ultimatums and threats and that is not okay. Or see if there is someone who is looking for live in help an older person so you can get a roof over your head or something.
Well we all have different opinions of what you should do but at the end of the day it is your life not mine and you are not me so you do what you do and you need to walk this path as you choose. I wish you all the best with what ever you choose to do.
What you need to do is make plans where will you go since he is now saying this to you. Come on Liz think about it you give him everything when he wants it and what does he give you? Nothing. Not honesty , not respect and not even love unless he feels like it. He does not want you to move in because he plans to continue his life as it is with her in too as long as he can because he is in no hurry to make a decision and you let him to this to you. You need to let him go for now and start making you and your well being priority number one and start looking into where you are going to go. You just keep waiting in the hopes that he says you can move in but what if he doesnt where will you go? He does not even care where you will go has he asked where you will live ? is he helping you ? I bet not. To him it is all about him and you need to wake up and start looking after yourself. This is not healthy relationship nor healthy situation and you seem to stop caring about yourself compeletely and I am really worried about you. Please look after yourself.
He is a liar Liz and I hope you are really done with him because you are way too good for him and he does not deserve your love. I feel sad that you are in this situation but it is like I said before up to you to get yourself out of it and no one else can do that. To be honest I think the true test would be if you give him the ultimatum and dont speak to him and walk away from the relationship. Then you would have your answer does he love you and want you if he leaves her and comes to you and if not your relationship would have been over anyway. As long as he has both of you there he wont choose between you two. I wish you good luck and all the best and strength what ever you decide to do.
I always said no one is perfect and it is not the point to be one. Just that you work on negative traits that were impacting negatively your life and relationships and to learn better relationship skills and I am so proud you are doing that and we kept telling you that even if you take time to work on yourself and not send so many messages that if he really loves you then he will not move on and I am glad now you are discovering yourself that not putting pressure and blowing up is making him opening up. So well done, this made me very happy to read because you were first person on this site I answered to and I did that cause I saw that there is stength behind the sadness and desperation and I was right and I like being right ; ). LOL. Keep up the great work and remember you can do anything you set your mind to and it does not have to be done perfectly as long as you just try and be proud of yur achievements you went to seek help when you needed it and that makes you stronger person than most on this site : ).
