Devastated and don’t know what to do

Ex never called me last night to tell me he made it to his moms okay. I text him at nine this morning with no response. So I call amanda and leave a voicemail. He texts me finally and says he’s okay and that hell talk to me later. I start driving up to his moms house to go talk to her when i tell him not to use the interstate and he sends back this weird text.

Long story short. I’m more than positive he did not go to his moms house last night and that he is in fact with amanda and the boys right now. I’m fucking livid. I’m fucking done.

I seriously can’t fucking stay away. I feel so angry right now. I called him at 9 pm. He didn’t answer but texted saying that he wasn’t going to be talking to me because all i do is cause drama and he was trying to be encouraging of me this morning but i just started shit with him and thats why he ignored me all day long.

He finally answers my call and I was asking why he had to lie to me. He says he didn’t. He says that he told her that they’re broken up and whatever. So I asked why he’d spend 12+ hours with her and the fucking kids today and he says “well are you and I together” and I replied with “I like to think so” and he sounded really sad and he said “well sometimes you say that you and i aren’t together but we still do stuff together so why can’t I do that with her?”

And I fucking hate it. I hate it. Because the other day he did the same sad sounding “well are we together” thing and all it does is tear at my heart. As if we are in fact together. As if I’m the reason for breaking up or something. He makes me feel so fucking guilty and so fucking shitty about everything. But what am I doing? I come home to see him. We’re together right now. He has her goddamn fucking hair on his shirt for crying out loud! And I still sit here and fucking kill myself for him. I bend over backwards for this man and I just can’t leave him.

I don’t understand why I can’t leave him. I try. I work myself up and I’m positive I’ll leave. But I never do. I’m just over this shit. I honestly can’t handle much more. I couldn’t leave today but I know for a fucking fact that I’m getting there.

It changes by the hour… You’d never think we ever broke up to be honest. But he has total and complete freedom.

I was cutting his hair tonight and he took his shirt off to reveal a hickie on top of his shoulder… The same place she usually always gives him hickies. I asked him about it and he claims his 5 year old son bit him. It’s such a bullshit lie but I don’t know whether to keep pestering him about it or just let it go.

The thing is. Me seeing that? Makes me want to leave. Makes me want to just let HIM go. If he’s going to go around fucking someone else and seeing someone else… he clearly couldn’t love me too much. I’m just over this. I can’t take much more. I need commitment. He keeps saying all he needs right now is to focus on getting into his new house and not running out of money. He said he doesn’t need to be worried about me or us or anything like that.

I’m just sick of being that person. That person who is waiting at home for him. That person to fuck. That person to give him a confidence boost. That person to do literally anything and everything for him. I’m his security blanket to fall back on. I feel like he couldn’t care less about my feelings or my well being. I just couldn’t imagine doing this to him… I could not fucking imagine hurting him this bad.

Yesterday I worked from 4:30-9:30 at night… Ex texts me at almost 8 saying he’s going to go to his mom’s house with the kids since he has to work the next day and nobody to watch them. Well I texted him not even 8 minutes later asking him to call me and that he doesn’t need to do that. He doesn’t answer. So I start calling. I called him probably ten times in the span of two hours because I desperately did not want him to leave with the boys again.

I had a sick feeling about all of it and so when I got off of work I just headed straight to his mom’s house. I called him around 10 and he didn’t answer the first three calls. Just kept sending me to VM. So he answers my fourth and he’s in the car. I asked what was going on and if he was even at his mom’s. He said that “we’re all fine” and that they were on their way back from dinner with his mother. Bullshit. It’s bullshit.

I text Amanda trying to get the truth and they just came from being with her! And that her and my ex are still together. Ex wouldn’t answer any more calls or texts because of the “drama”. So I just kept heading to his mom’s house. Got there at midnight and asked him to come outside.

He was pissed I was there. He said that I don’t listen or respect his wishes when he says he doesn’t want to talk to me. That he doesn’t know how to get that through my head and that he doesn’t want to be around me anymore. He comes outside and his mom follows. She was on the porch and saying shit about me needing to get off her property and all that bullshit nonsense that has no reasoning behind it…

So ex comes out to me after getting his mom to back off. He ended up saying that I’ll never change and I bring drama and I explained that the only drama happening is because he won’t cut her off. That if he was 100% done with her that none of this would be an issue or be occurring. And he said that fine he’ll cut both of us out his lives. And I made a comment about how he’ll never leave her and he said “fine, I’ll cut YOU out of my life.” Not much else was said. It’s like talking to a wall when he’s in that mood. He kept reiterating that he doesn’t need to be worried about me or relationships. Just getting into his new house.

I left and he had a talk with his mom. An hour later he texts me and says that the talk with his mom was a disappointment and that the things he heard were disappointing. I have no idea how to take that but I didn’t want to ask for an explanation.

This morning he texts me if I want him to grab some food for us on his way home (to get dressed for work). His car broke down at the place so I had to come get him and bring him home. He seemed very cheerful and in a great mood. Before he left for work I just kinda sat down and he came over to me asking for a hug. Hugged me and kissed me on the forehead. I went and met him at a smoothie place on his break and again we just laughed and talked and it felt good. Like how I wish we could always be.

I have no idea what to do. He just keeps going back to her and I mentally cannot handle it anymore. I want nothing more than for him to come back completely. I know how great it could be. How effortless it could be. But it just cannot be that way when he’s still with her. I’ve tried but I can’t just ignore that she’s there or that he’s ditching me to be with her or whatever else. I feel so heartbroken. I just want my best friend back. I want my kids back. I want our life back. I want to start organizing and planning for our future. I want to start having conversations about plans and goals. I just want the stability that we never could have with the court case and his ex-wife causing legal drama about where he was living. Now, we wouldn’t have anything to worry about… I’ve been with him through the worst times of his life and now I’d like to be with him in the best.

I’m just going to keep using this as a log I suppose. So that I can look back on it and not forget the little details.

Ex woke up before me this morning and I decided to sleep in while he showered and ate breakfast. I got up after a while and sat at the kitchen table and I told him I loved him but he didn’t respond. He hasn’t been very affectionate lately… So I got up after a few minutes to go back to bed. He asked me to come over to him and he pulled me on his lap and held me for a bit. It was nice.

I went back to bed and he got dressed to go meet with his probation officer. Before leaving he came into the room and he held me into his chest and told me that he has reservations about me coming to the new house with him. I told him that I didn’t think I was coming with him and I was sorry he felt I was being pushy. He said that he feels like he has no control over it and that he wants to be the one to make the decision if I come with him or not and not just me pushing my way in there. I felt so terrible about making him feel that way and I started crying. He said that he doesn’t know why he’s still so hesitant to make a decision and that until he feels comfortable doing that, he doesn’t want me there. He said he feels like he has no control over things and so when he sees something that he can have control over, he doesn’t want to let go of it.

I don’t know what to do.

I already have a plan of what I’ll do. I was going to live in my car for a bit and start looking for a second job. I can’t live on my own right now because I only make about 700 a month and with my expenses that isn’t enough at all. I don’t have any family I can stay with. I’m not worried or upset about this. I see it as maybe an opportunity to really get to know myself. So I’ll be homeless for a few weeks. It’s not his responsibility to care about that. He has enough in his life that I don’t want to be a burden on him.

This morning was nice. I think at the end of next week I’ll ask to sit down and talk with him and figure out how we can move forward. How we can establish our openness and communication. He said the other morning he hopes we can start talking to each other again with full honesty like we used to. So maybe if I can establish that communication, we can make it work. Right now I’m just trying to help him as best as I can. He has so much on his plate and I just want to help him through all of it. And when things settle down, maybe he’ll have a clearer head.

I don’t know if I sound pathetic with all of this. But I really don’t have many options at this point.

Well…

He did it. I got off of work at 10 pm to find him standing in my parking lot at work. He seemed happy to see me. God knows I was so thankful to see him. We talked for a bit and then went home. We took his bike to go to dinner and then we came home. I sat with him in the computer room for a bit and then said I was going to bed. I was lying in bed for about 10 minutes before he just walked out the front door. Of course I was confused. So I put some clothes on and went outside to see what was going on (it’s midnight). And he’s standing at the foot of the driveway texting someone. He started yelling and cussing at me. Telling me to get the fuck out of his life and all I do is smother him. He got his bike keys and took off. So he’s been gone for over half an hour at this point. As I said before, if he left me again to go be with her, I’d be done.

My heart is breaking. I don’t like this. But I have to. I can’t keep seeing him if he’s going to do this. It’s common for cheaters to cause arguments late at night so they have an excuse to run off and I deeply believe this is what he just did. I’m going to ask to have a conversation with him first but I’m leaving. No idea where I’ll go considering I don’t have a home. But I’ll figure it out.

Thank you to everyone who listened to this train wreck and tried to help out. Even if it seemed like I wasn’t listening, I was.

So a lot happened… I couldn’t just sit here anymore. I drove down to Amanda’s house around 2 am and I see his bike there and her car there. I totally flipped. Calling both of them and texting both of them. Neither one was answering and I knew I’d do something stupid and I did. Knocked on the door and her roommate let me in and told me what room she sleeps in. So I went upstairs and just opened the door. They’re laying on the ground together and she’s sleeping but he isn’t.

I flipped. I know that was an insane move and I look like a crazy person but fuck if I’m going to sit by and let this shit keep happening. So she wakes up and starts yelling for me to get out of her house and all this shit and I told her I would as long as my ex comes and talks to me. I asked her what the fuck is going on and she goes “I’m spending time with MY boyfriend!” So I snapped back to my ex saying “So when you were fucking me this morning, is this what you had planned? To come over here to her?” and I made a comment about how he kept saying they were broken up and kept reiterating that she’s an ex girlfriend. Ex came outside with me and we attempted to go on a walk and talk to each other but he got incredibly angry and shoved me to the ground. He started walking back to his bike and I started walking after him begging him to talk. Things kept getting heated and other things happened. I was screaming crying in pain and he had to take off before neighbors or something came out.

Amanda came out at the tail end of it and “swears she didn’t see anything!” and I tried talking to her but ex made me leave. So I met ex at a grocery center down the road. Amanda called me and we were talking about a lot of shit. I told her that I’m sorry that I barged into her house but she has to understand the shitty side I’m seeing. She said that the reason he came over is because she was going to kill herself and she texted him “goodbye. I hope your life is wonderful without me” and so he came over so she wouldn’t off herself. She said that her home was the only safe place she had and I violated it and that next time she’ll make a citizen’s arrest (LOL) and whatever. Ex was angry with me.

We came home and I finally fell asleep around 5 and he did cuddle up with me and I woke up at 7 to go to work. While I was at work I texted him some things about how I love him and I’m sorry and whatever.

He sends back a LONG text about how I’m out of control and he can’t control me and that I’M controlling HIM. He said that until I make a change (going on a fuck ton of prescription meds) that he doesn’t want to be with me. That there’s something wrong with me. Just really kept on going. He said he hates where we are right now.

I told him I’d talk to him in the morning. So before my ex’s shift ended I went to the store and came back home and he was there. Attempted small talk but it didn’t go anywhere. So I got in my car and left. He texted asking where I was going and said he wasn’t leaving the house for a while.

This is the part that makes me upset. He asks where I’m going… If I don’t give him a straight answer, he will flip out. I mean he will go on about how he’ll never take me back and he hates me and I’m a stupid bitch and all kinds of shit. But that’s the only question I asked him last night and he freaked ut then saying it’s none of my business and I’m smothering him. So how can he say I have control over him when this is what he does? When I can’t say the things he can or do the things he can for fear of him hurting me and leaving me? That doesn’t sound like I have any control over anything. I don’t even want control. I just want to know what the fuck is going on. I don’t think this is fair or right. Why couldn’t he just tell me last night that she was having a crisis and he needed to tend to her? I would’ve been fairly upset but I wouldn’t have dared driving down there or doing anything I did.

I’m just so fed up with this. I’m fed up with my life. I can’t handle any of this. I don’t want to. I’d rather just lay on the ground and wither away because that sounds like a better fucking plan.

So the ex left tonight to “feel like he can”. Which means he’s going to Amanda’s house. Before he did he came over and hugged me and kissed me on the back of my neck. He was laughing that I bought cookies at the store. And then he walked to the other room and I got on my phone and was rereading his text from earlier. He came over and I turned the phone off to give him one last hug and he seemed incredibly angry. No doubt he probably thinks I was texting someone or cheating on him.

I’ve never been in more emotional or physical pain and I don’t know how to get through this. I don’t have any friends. Zero. I don’t have any family either. Making up with them would work for a few hours and then it’d be right back to where it was. It’s happened close to 5-6 times this summer. I’m completely alone.