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So there is no one and I dont mean in the place you live now but are you saying there is no person in any other place where you lived or relative who could offer you a place to stay until you find a new job and then place to live? Please re-think anyone you have ever know even if you have not been in touch lately it does not mean you cannot reach out. And maybe getting out of that city/town would do you good? Or if not try to work it out with your parents at least for couple of months so you can get yourself the additional job to get a place to live or even if you rent a room but honestly you need to get away from that guy like Jasminka said you have given everything and all he does is hurt you. He is the control freak and he is controlling you by giving ultimatums and threats and that is not okay. Or see if there is someone who is looking for live in help an older person so you can get a roof over your head or something.
So Saturday night ex slept somewhere else. I woke up at 7:30 expecting him to be home but he wasn’t. i texted him asking if he’d come home. Then I called. He replied back that he saw no reason to come home and so he won’t be. Something completely snapped in my mind and I started getting overly emotional really quick. I knew my thoughts were headed towards a bad direction and I told him that and asked for a small phone call so that I wouldn’t get to that point. He said no because I’d only make him feel worse and that he’s too busy for me at the moment.
I went home and started writing him a letter and things were going to follow. I left him a voicemail telling him I love him and I hope he has a good day. Ex texted and called about 30 minutes later and I didn’t answer because there was no point. Right at the end of the letter he comes bursting through the front door.
We talked for a good while. He said that if I wasn’t around that he’d wake up feeling sick to his stomach every morning. That he’d never want to get close to another person. He said he wants me in his life. He started getting pretty angry for a bit there and I can’t remember why. He was about to leave and I begged him to stay. We ended up sitting at the kitchen table and having a small conversation about us. He asked where I’d like to see us and I told him that I’d lie to see us together with a set of rules/boundaries and follow them. And I asked him if there’s any part of him that wants to make this work with me. He said that yes a whole bunch of him does. After a while he said he was going to take a breather for a few hours.
So I told him to go. As soon as he left I got in my car to go out. I get to the end of the neighborhood and Amanda is pulling out in front of me… As soon as she saw me she put her hand to her mouth and I just instinctively flicked her off. I texted her asking what the fuck she was doing there. So I called ex and asked what the fuck was going on. He said he had no idea she was there and that she probably came to check on me. I was getting emotional again and ex asked if I wanted to go do something with him today and i said yes. He told me to go home.
So I do. And ten minutes goes by and he’s still not home. So I go out again and on the way back I see her leaving our neighborhood again and him saying he’s almost home. So I asked why she was in our neighborhood and he claims she was giving him something (probably his backpack that he left at her house). And so we went up north to our special spot I mentioned a few weeks back. It was nice until he took me on this little hike. It was crazy and scary getting down there but as soon as we got down there it was the most beautiful waterfall I’ve ever seen. But I recognized it from a picture Amanda took… And so I started crying and freaking out about how he could take two girls to the same place and whatever. We ended up laying down on top of some rocks way up in the air for a while and then we came home.
I know a lot of these details are meaningless and pointless. But I don’t know what to do. I am so conflicted. I wouldn’t think to try and make this work if part of my ex didn’t want to as well. It’d be amazing if we could be together again I just don’t know how to set up that conversation and how to get him on the same page. This feels so impossible.
Hi Liz,
It seems to be he is still confused and he is handling the whole situation really badly. I believe at this point you just need to clarify to him what you want from him and tell him the conditions that you agree to be with him.
I would stop telling him how much you love him because he already knows that. You told him so many times. I think you should write to him something along these lines ‘I would like to be with you but this whole situation is confusing and emotionally very tiring. I do not wish things to continue the way it is…
I would like to be with you 100%; however, i need to know that you also want to be with me 100% and not any less. If this is the case, i hope you show me this by actions as well as by words…I will be moving from the house to give you some space and time as well as to myself…Please contact me only when you have cleared your mind and you know what you want’…
Liz, i know you may not write what i wrote to you. this was just to give you an idea. But i strongly believe you need to send him a message summarising how you feel and what you want. And then you really really need to find a way to get out of the house at least for sometime…You need to think and he has to think as well…I am not telling you to cut him off from your life forever. Just give it sometime…
The other option is to continue as it is but i can see that this is not bringing your relationship anywhere….I agree completely. I just need to flat out tell him what I want/expect/need and if he can’t provide that for me then we don’t need to keep doing what we’re doing.
Last night at work, my pharmacist and lead tech were talking to me about this situation. My pharmacist told me that he sounds like her ex husband and that it will never get better. She said if it’s been this way for 3+ months then he’ll more than likely never make a decision or never be able to commit to me. It hurt to hear all of that. But maybe she’s right…
The other night at Amanda’s house, when she called me, I told her I was sorry but that I’m so confused because I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know if I’m with my ex or not. And she asked if I was moving into the new house with him. I told her that no Iwasn’t and that ex and I would need to talk and see how things go before that happens. And she said “Well that tells you everything you need to know right there.” And I wonder if she’s right…
I don’t want them to be right. I want a chance to make this work with my best friend.
Hi Liz, i think you should not pay attention how other people’s ex behaved. Every person is different and we dont know their real story.
And if i were u i would stop apologising to Amanda and stop talking to her as well. She is just getting insight information from you. She is not looking for the best interest of you… She is not your friend…
You are over thinking about a lot of things. And you are expecting that everything will go back to how it as before quickly. But these things take time. What Finntoga and i have been trying to tell you is that you need sometime apart to figure out what you want. Because at the moment you are frustrated (naturally), he is angry and its a chain reaction that repeats all the time.
I dont know how long you both need… May be 2 weeks, may be a month… Dont know. But i really think at this point, its best for you if you put ur foot down and tell him this is what i want,and be with me only if u want the same…
If you keep giving him the message that you will be ok with however he treats you, he will continue to do it… I am not saying you should play games or anything. I just wish you to realise you need to stand up for urself. Dont let him disrespect you. Dont take this shit anymore. Move away from him for sometime. See how it goes and then decide.
Trust me, if he really loves u, he will not move on with Amanda. He will think and realise what he really wants …
I have been there … I know how bad you feel. how low you might feel time to time. Please remind yourself that you are not desperate. You are a young beautifoul person with a lot of strength…So a lot of drama happened this morning…
Last night, we got the kids for a few hours and then we played our online game until around 11 pm. We went to bed and ex woke me up this morning. It was really nice waking up with him. He asked if I wanted to go get breakfast with him and he was just playing around with me. It was good… So we got dressed and we tried out this new little hole in the wall place we’ve never been. While we were there, he had to take a conference call so we just sat there together enjoying each other. And then halfway through the call, Amanda calls him.
This immediately sent all kinds of things through my head. I was thinking about how I can’t do this relationship anymore if she’s here. I was imagining how difficult this is going to be. It was just bad. I started getting so much anxiety and ex noticed something was up but he figured I was just cold. He kept holding me and trying to warm me up and eventually we just left.
Well, we turn into our neighborhood and ex looks to the left so I do too. Amanda is sitting in her car in our neighborhood… I didn’t want to say anything in case it wasn’t her so when ex got in the shower, I drove by. Yep. It was her. I was so pissed. So I came back home and asked my ex what she was doing there. He said he had no idea… So I asked if she explained why she called and he unlocked his phone and I saw that there were a ton of text messages that she sent him but it didn’t look like he had replied since early yesterday. He said that her texts were saying she was in the area picking up mail and paying a speeding ticket.
So then I asked ex why he’s doing this. Why he’s letting her believe they’re together if they’re not. And he got all defensive saying “So I can’t hang out with people unless we’re dating?” and just twisting everything up instead of listening. I then told him that I don’t want to continue to be in his life as long as she’s in it as well. He seemed like he agreed and then I said I wanted her out of my life completely. He said “I think you and I want the same thing. I just don’t know how to make it happen.” and he said that he thinks that we agree on a lot of things but he feels he can’t trust me and that he doesn’t want to keep fighting with me.
He tried walking out the door and I asked him to please stop and talk to me and he started going on about how I’m so controlling and not letting him leave. It’s frustrating for me because I want to talk. That’s it. I’m not forcing you to stay. You really wanna go? Then walk out the door. But I feel it’d be better for us if you stayed a few minutes longer and talked…
Well Amanda texted me telling me to go fuck myself… She said she wants to talk to my ex. I told her that he left a few minutes ago and whatever. She then said that she was on the suicide hotline and they’re sending someone to her house. I guess she’s feeling really suicidal again and she said that last night my ex told her to call if it got worse and she said that she was texting him begging him to come to her and he didn’t reply so naturally she thinks that’s because of me… I told her that no, I didn’t see him on his phone at all and it is not my fault if he didn’t go to her.
I feel like that a lot. I’ve attempted two serious times in my life. And with everything going on right now I feel myself slipping into that more and more. I feel like with her feeling the same way and putting it all on my ex, that I can’t bring it up to him. That I can’t put this on him as well. I’d rather deal with it alone. There’s only a few days left til I’m on my own and it’s terrifying to think about. My father told me I could stay at their house if I absolutely have nowhere else to go. But I’ve tried it numerous times and it won’t work. It’s not good for my mental health to be around my father or my brother or even in that house.
I don’t have a good update for you guys.
I am the type of person that tells it like it is and gives it to people straight. What I am going to tell you is not meant to hurt you or make you loose hope but it is an honest assessment of the situation after reading your story…..
He is playing you, he is playing you both and will continue to do so as long as you guys let him. I know this because in my college days when I lost myself I did it to two girls and it did not stop until they put a stop to it. I know you love and care about him but what you are doing now is not working, being around him, spending time with him and having sex with him. He is the on that is controlling, he can date someone else but if you do then you guys are over. Anyone that truly loved you would never say that to you. Maybe he is at a bad time in his life or mixed up but as long as he is getting what he wants from both of you then he will never settle he will probably find someone else that isn’t either of you because he doesn’t have any respect for both of you and if someone doesn’t have respect for you then they will never commit to you.
You need to ask yourself do you want to keep doing what you are doing and feel like you are now for months and possibly years or do you want to cut contact with him and make him see what he has lost and have a possibility of reuniting? You can either feel the way you are now for a long time or change your actions and start to heal and get better.
I agree with rider01…the longer you dont take any actions, the more you will face situations as you are experiencing now.
Before i say this, i want you to know that i dont think there is anything wrong with you. I just think you are very confused and you are going through some difficult times in your life which happens to all of us… But i also agree that if you stay with someone who is cheating on you (in front of you) and you are still acting like you dont want to lose him, afraid of him leaving you, you would do anything to keep him around etc…you are giving the impression that you are disrespecting yourself and you dont love yourself… And this is repulsive to anyone… How can someone respect you when you dont show respect to yourself. We all have our tolerence limits but he has crossed the line of tolerence so many times.
Nevertheless, you did very well by telling him you wont be in his life if she is still there … In my opinion, since you said that, make the next step, leave the house and tell him you will be back only when he has sorted things out in his life and when he is ready to commit to you 100%….
Trust me this will not push him away. It will make him understand he needs to do something! (Make a decision and stick to it).
also isnt better if you leave the house before he kicks you out ?
Please come to think about it. He has been cheating on you and he says he can not trust you ??? Seriously? He should be the one afraid of losing you since he is the one who is still in touch with Amanda.
The more you question him about Amanda, the more frustrated he will be because he is stuck and he knows he has handled the situation badly. Your questions will lead no where ….
Please consider moving to your fathers house to take a breath from all this and if he really wants to be with you, it will give him time to sort himself out.
And please remember he needs to earn your trust and love !!! Pls dont change roles with him.Well the only reason I haven’t left is because we only have three more days in this house. So I kinda figured, come Sunday afternoon, we’ll already be living apart. I’d like to savor my last few minutes with him in our home. My mother brought up an idea of me just sleeping at their house. To come really late and then leave early in the morning. She said that my father is trying to have control over me like he used to and he’s going about it in the only way he knows how which is to scream at me and abuse me like he did when I was a child. This is why I cannot live at their house.
On the way to my parent’s house, my ex and I had a miscommunication and I ended up trying to call him twice. Both times he rejected it. so I told him I was done. That I’m not doing this anymore and he replied back explaining what was going on and how I’m misinterpreting the situation. He then said that I should go ahead and be done with it. That it’s not like he has control over me and I don’t even have control over myself. He then called me twice. Left a voicemail in which he sounded pretty sad saying he loves me and he wishes I’d pick up the phone.
I went and had lunch with him and it seemed pretty good. I just want to put all of this behind us. I want to move forward with him. I realize we can’t do that while he still has me and Amanda both. Maybe with the separation coming up, he’ll miss me and realize it’s worth fighting for. Or maybe he won’t. But it’ll be his decision and his decision alone to make.
He closed on the house this morning… Which means just one more day and everything is done.
I came home from work and him and the boys are here at our rental house. I’m filled with a lot of anxiety and fear and sadness about all of this. I asked ex how we can move forward. He said that he would need to be able to trust himself around me/us to not fight with each other. I did a lot of crying tonight. Just asking him not to abandon me. He asked me what he can do to make it seem like he isn’t abandoning me. I told him to take me with him.
I just don’t understand. I don’t understand how he can spend nights away from me and not miss me terribly. How it doesn’t tear at his heart. How the thought of moving into a house alone is better than moving into it with me. I’m just very hurt.
An old friend of mine offered to put me up for as long as I need. I can’t take the offer because my ex hates this person and I’d lose my ex for good if I did. I’d rather live in my car. I feel very hopeless and very scared about my future. Ex wants me to meet him at the house early tomorrow morning (him and the boys are sleeping at the new house tonight) and bring a bunch of stuff over. I did ask him if I could store my things there since obviously I can’t live out of my car if it’s filled to the top with my belongings. He said I could.
He also mentioned me renting a place like Amanda does… Saying how cheap her rent is. It hurt. Like he’s okay with the idea of me signing a 12 month lease somewhere. Like it’s okay that I wouldn’t be seeing him anymore.
I’m worried at the end of all of this, I’ll want no part of him.
Ex was getting undressed to get in the shower and of course things got a little heated. And he made the comment that he wants to fuck me but knows he shouldn’t. I asked why and he explained that when he does I just use it against him/to screw things up. That I’ll mention it to Amanda or something. I told him that after tomorrow afternoon I won’t really be in his life anymore so how could I do that?
He asked why I wouldn’t be. I told him that it isn’t like we’d be seeing each other around or anything. He asked why we couldn’t meet up and hang out that he wants me in his life. But honestly? I don’t know if I would want to. If I haven’t showered in days or eaten a meal in weeks or slept in a bed for a month, why would I want to hang out with someone? I’ll feel like garbage… I don’t know how I’m going to get through this mentally. How I won’t slip into a deep depression. I know it’s my fault. I should’ve been planning on this day for three months. But I kept holding on. I kept fighting. I kept hoping I could turn it around.
The bottom line is that ex doesn’t want to be with me when he feels like he loses control. He tends to become very upset about the smallest things I say/do. Which all I think that needs to happen is we go to a counseling session together or sit down and talk. It’s not hard to find ways to combat that. Or to fight fair. Or to just recognize what the other needs.
I guess I don’t understand. Why he doesn’t want to fight to keep this. Why he doesn’t want to wake up next to me in the mornings and make breakfast together and just be a couple.
His mother called him this morning and told him to make sure he gets all my clothes out of the dresser because I’ll probably leave my things in his belongings to have an excuse to see him. My ex got very upset and told her it wouldn’t matter if I did. I don’t know what to do with her. I don’t know whether to try and talk to her alone or try and get my ex to be there. Ex’s father said we shouldn’t be surprised considering my MIL disowned her own daughter… But this is bullshit. She hates me for no reason.
Hi Liz,
At the moment you are feeling very low because the idea of him not wanting you to move in or stay as a couple has brought your self confidence quite low. And you see things from a very different angle. I think thins seperation time will be good for you. When you start spending time by urself, there will not be a constant reminder of the situation u are in. When you deal with him everyday, its a torture. Trust me, you will feel better. When my boyfriend was confused. I felt the same… But when i started spending timen alone, it was definetly a boost to my confidence. I realised i am not an undateBle person. I am not someone that should be dumped. All those negative thhoughts i had for myself went away.
I know its hard but try to leave behind all thess thoughts u have like why does he not want to see me when he wakes up etc… The best way to deal with these thoughts is not to think and push them away… To fight with these thoughts, you need to start making plans for ur life. Keep ur mind busy with other things.
We dont know if this is the end for your relationship or not but its best of your interest for now not to think of it and try to do things that will maks u feel a little better.
He is just one ordinary guy… You are giving sooo much credit to him and none to urself.
If i were u, i would move into my dads together with ALL my stuff and not initiate any contact.
He say things but he doesnt believe himself that u will not initiate contact with him. He thinks u will always be there …
You need to tell him with ur ACTIONS that this is it. And u will not be there when he is treating u the way he does now.
Please be strongDear Liz, think about the thugs he says and does to you and then think about who you really should put first here. He says if you go to this friend who offered you a place to stay unlimited time where generous offer considering you don’t want to go to Tay with your family so instead of takin it you won’t because he does not like we and you loose him????if he cares about you would he not ask where you go and prefer you to have a place to stay that is safer than a car????you defend him by saying it is not his responsibility to care where you stay so why won’t you listen to that then if it is not his responsibility then why are you icing him control of that too? He controls who is in your life and then says that it is you who is controlling. He is playing mind games and playing a victim when he is selfish and immature and you really need to say enough is enough and stop being a doormat which you have been and start respecting yourself . Everyone commenting here gets your pain cos we all have been through it and we see you are down but we all see how great person you are and we want only that you would see it too and just take full nc for while stop all contact and concentrate healing you and before you say you can’t yea you can. If he genuinely loves you then takin. The space will make him see what he is missing and if he does not change his behavior then it is lucky escape for you because he will destroy you if you let this go on. I am sorry to be so harsh but reading this makes me angry on your behalf when it should be you getting mad at him for treating you like this instead of me and say enough is enough I am worth love and respect ad kindness.
So yesterday… We got a lot of stuff moved into his new house. I was there helping him and all that. Well all of our clothes/bathroom stuff was packed up together and so as I’m going through it and separating his from mine, I laid my things out to see what I can take with me and keep in my car and what needs to go in a box and stay in his basement. I told ex about this… Told him I wasn’t invading and my things would be gone in no time. Well I leave to get pizza and come back and he goes on about how “every drawer” (two drawers) had my things and he said “It’s like “ok! just move on in!”” and was very upset. I cried and told him that I already told him why they were there. I was very upset through dinner and ex tried to cheer me up. He left to go drop the boys off with their grandparents since his visitation time was over and I gathered the things i can take with me and put the rest in boxes.
He came home and we moved the boxes to the basement and I left to go fill my car up with gas and he left to drop the clothes off at the boy’s grandparents house. He texted me saying he was going to the rental house and I mentioned I was halfway there to go take a shower. He asked if we could meet at walmart to get shampoo and everything else for a shower and I agreed. So we’re there and it’s turning into a shopping trip for his new house. Asking if we have bleach and oxy clean and all kinds of stuff. Asking my advice on things to buy. It hurt. I can’t describe why it hurt but it felt like a slap to the face. I can participate in helping him choose things to buy but not there to use them.
So we get to the rental house and take a shower together. I got dressed and I was feeling so anxious. Worried about where I’d sleep and what I’d do. I was pacing and he asks where I’m going that night. Told him I didn’t have a clue. He goes on about how he doesn’t believe me and whatever. I left and told him I was headed to my parent’s house to see if I can sneak in and go to sleep in my old bedroom. He said he didn’t believe me and this is just like all the other times I “left” him to go be with other men (i spent the night with one man. While he was spending the night with Amanda). And that he doesn’t appreciate me not telling him where I’m going. I told him his new house is less than a mile away from my parents and he can come by and see if he’d like.
Once I got to my parent’s, I sent him an email telling him that I feel he’s been controlling and manipulating me and that I don’t appreciate it. That I don’t want t continue this relationship like this.
He sends a text saying that it’s hard for him to want to be with me when his ex wife doesn’t want us together and his mom and brother don’t want him to either. He said that he feels he can’t control himself around me and that the only way he can see this working is if we restart and reformat the rules to make him feel less vulnerable. i told him that that was all I ever wanted… And then he started talking about drama going on with his ex-wife and of course the topic ended there…
He didn’t reply to my text. So i tried going to sleep. Woke up at midnight and texted him. Didn’t reply. At 7:30, didn’t reply. Then finally at 8:30 he replies and says he’s eating breakfast and so I came to meet him.
I instantly felt sad when I saw him wearing new clothes… When I still had on the previous day’s clothes. I felt a little mad. Like he gets a bed and a shower and a home and I get nothing. He got upset and said I was like a zombie (I was tired and stressed as fuck). And that he didn’t believe I was at my parent’s house last night and all this shit.
We quickly got over it and ended up spending the majority of the day together. We saw a movie at the theater and then he got the kids off the bus and then I came to his house to get some work done and his father stopped by and we had a nice talk and went to dinner.
I just don’t know where to go from here. We more than likely won’t see each other for about two days or so. I feel so on the fence. Part of me feels like I’ll never get over this. Never get over him abandoning me. And the other part just loves him dearly and wants to continue spending my life with my best friend. I know it seems stupid… But life with him has meaning and purpose. Life with out is just dull. There’s no point if I don’t get to share it with him. Hopefully with this two day break from each other, he’ll realize he misses me or doesn’t miss me and I’ll get a final answer.
Dear Liz,
I think you are too nice / beyond nice to a person who does not respect you, who treats you badly. I understand you love him and u remember the person he had been to you in the past but at the moment he is a total a… to you. I am sorry for my language but it makes me so angry to read how he plays around with u & asks ur help because he knows u will do it. This is so not right. Please dont help him anymore for the sake of spending more time with him. Shopping, moving & packing all these things are his responsibility and u shouldnt get involved. Let him do it by himself. Also by helping him all the time and by being there all the time, u are NOT letting him miss you.
Cant u story ur stuff at ur dads house ?You tell him you want the relationship not to continue like this yet u continue to see him as u have been for the last 3 months. He says he wants to restart everything in different terms etc… But how can u start smtg fresh when he continues to see someone else ???
I know this is really hard on you but you must take an action and stand up for urself. You have to do this. Otherwise he will continue to use like doormat. when u said u dont want to continue like this he immediately mentioned terms etc… U need to tell him ur conditions.. Not him… Because you are not the one dumping him, cheating on him with another woman on his face !!!come on…
Please him u will not start anything with him until he clear his mind and he is ready to be with you 100% ! Otherwise it will be the same story over and over again.
Your life CAN continue with or without him. You had a life before he entered ur life ! I am not saying this just to say but u must believe it urself that you are a strong person…
I wish i could help you more … But this is the kind of situation where only u can make the difference in ur life !! Please stand up for urself, dont put up with his shit amymore.
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