-
Posts
-
My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 2 year anniversary one month ago today… We have been living together for almost a year and a half but with some legal issues, the past three months we’ve had to spend the night at his mom’s house as he can no longer sleep here. But anyway. We’ve been very stressed the last three months with having to drive four hours every day and trying to buy a new house. We finally started the process of buying a house and I finally got a job. Things were looking up. I was stressed though and kept snapping at him. So last Friday I told him I’d spend the night at our house while he goes to his mom’s. I thought the night separation would be good for us. He returns on Saturday acting distant and cold and I asked him if he was happy to see me. That’s when he drops the whole “I felt like maybe I shouldn’t come back.” And so we broke up… Of course I immediately started off with needy desperation and that lasted all the way until yesterday. I begged and pleaded with him. Even drove to his mom’s house (two hours away) one night to beg him to give me one day to show I can change.
Now a little background, he was married for 8 years (with her for 13) before me. She cheated on him for two years straight and killed him for that time until he found me and we began a relationship and whatever. Well his reasoning for all of this is that I’m controlling and I tell him everything to do. He says he goes to work and works for a man and comes home and works for a woman and he’s tired of it. He says he doesn’t want a relationship period. He wants to find himself. He wants to see what life has to offer. All the way expressing over and over again how much he deeply loves me. He says that he loves me so much and he still came over every day to get dressed at our house and he would hug me and one night he even slept here. But the second I tried to get a little more than just a hug or say something, he’d cut me off immediately and get angry.
Well I found out that one day after we split up, he went to a music festival with some girl. And then just yesterday he went to the zoo with her (maybe some one else) and I’m pretty sure they had sex in his car… I asked him if he’s dating someone or sleeping with someone and he’s adamant on both accounts that no he is not. But I know he’s lying. I packed him a bag and told him that he needs to get dressed at and eat his meals at his mom’s house and to stop coming in and out every day as it’s not fair. We haven’t spoken in 24 hours and I plan to keep up the no contact as long as I can.
I feel so desperate though I’m not sure how long I can. I just want to know there’s a chance. I know I can change this and I know if he’d give me a shot that we could rebuild this relationship. I mentioned him giving me one day to show him that we can do this. He said it’s a really great idea but not right now… That he needs his space from me. I’m just so heartbroken. I’ve barely eaten anything in days. I have no school or job to go to. I just lay in bed crying. I try to get out and do something but the entire time I wonder if maybe he’s come home. I don’t want to leave home in case he does come back. He’s a stubborn man. I just don’t know what to do. I’d love to hear other people’s thoughts or comfort. All I’ve gotten from my family is that he’s “selfish and doesn’t love you. Move on.” I know he loves me.
It’s been almost three days with no contact. I’m worried that he’ll just think life is great with out me and never come back to me. He told our landlord that he would not be renewing the lease as he’s moving somewhere else and he told her he wasn’t sure whether I would stay in the lease but he’s sure I won’t. Which sounds like he doesn’t intend on us moving into our new house. We just bought a house two weeks ago. Exactly four weeks until we were supposed to move into it. His name is on the mortgage and mine is not so I don’t have any rights to the place… I just miss him terribly. I’m trying the hardest I can to get out and do things but every little thing reminds me of him and I can’t get over this. I cry most of the day and I’ve eaten one sandwich and half of a protein bar since last Saturday. I’m dying for some hope that he’ll come back. I just don’t see how not contacting him will make him miss me. Especially since he’s spending every spare second he has, doing stuff. How could he possibly miss me when he hasn’t stopped to take a breath?
I’m pretty positive I know the girl who he has been going on dates with. She’s not a threat really. I mean she quit college (huge turn off to my ex- school is so important to him) and she’s working part time at his store. He’s not supposed to date anyone from work because he’s a manager… so hopefully he doesn’t get fired for this. But I’m pretty sure I know who it is. Or at least I’m hoping? Because I know I’m a 10 compared to her and I know they would never ever work as they’re way too conflicting. She’s just not the kind of girl he would ever want/go for. I think he’s dating just because he can and he’s having fun not having anyone waiting on him or because he can just do whatever he wants. I don’t know. I’m hoping that’s the girl.. makes me think I have a slight chance. Does anyone else have any input?
Hi, i am very sorry to hear that you are going through this. But i think you are being very harsh on yourself. Not eating well, crying all day in bed will not help you at all. Its as if you want to pause your life until he comes back…
To be honest, your ex seems like he is confused and giving him sometime is definitely a good idea. And if he really loves you as you, he will eventually come back but of course we cant know for sure.
I know this is all very hard on you and you are very heartbroken but you need to focus on feeling better at the moment. Even little things…
About the house, not sure whats the legal situation but is it possible for you to move and stay with your family for a while ?The thought of staying with my family makes me feel awful. I just want my ex back… I want us to talk and for him to give me a chance. I know he needs space. And I know he does truly love me. I’m just hoping he doesn’t change to an entirely different person with all this space. I just hate the open endedness of this. I hate that there’s no time frame or any idea of when maybe he’ll get back to wanting to date me again. I spoke to his mom a few days ago since we’re close and she told me she thinks it’ll take him a while that he told her he’s just tired of being controlled and told what to do. He wants to make decisions on his own and do things he wants to do. He said he wanted to figure out what direction he wants his life to go in. Which makes no sense! Because he has two kids and we’ve talked numerous times about how our life is going to go. There’s not much room for variation whether he’s with me or single or whatever. He can never leave this 20 mile radius or really anything drastic so long as his kids are in his life. It’s just frustrating. I’m so frustrated. I wish he’d talk to me. And his mom has since been very short with me. She kept saying she’d always be here to talk and hang out even if Tom and I split yet when I try just asking her how her day was, she’s very short to me. It makes me worried that she knows something I don’t know.
And the thing that really gets to me is that this is so unknown. He didn’t say it was over forever and he’d never come back and all that. He emphasized that he loves me dearly and he has many cherished memories of us but that he needs this time right now. That he needs to be away from me for a while. So it’s like… is he coming back or not? Because the way he worded it is like he would eventually come back and give me that day to show him just how great I can be. But his actions prove that he can go three days with out hearing from me and not care. I’m trying to just live life but it’s hard. With no school and no job… I have nothing to do. I spent six hours yesterday driving a 50 mile radius around my house and returning things to stores. And then I come back home to our house with out him in it and lay in bed and go to sleep alone. And I really am trying to eat. But I just can’t. I take two bites and feel like I’m going to be sick. I asked my old ex from two years ago if he’d take me somewhere tomorrow so at least I’ve got a day planned. but I want to know how long this will take… I was thinking of contacting my ex sometime next week to ask if he’ll help get boxes out of the attic. And also! I found out he took 100 dollars out of my car sometime on Wednesday and he denied it and denied it and then kept telling me to let him know when I need money and he’ll give me 300 dollars as soon as I need it. Like he still acts like he’s here as my boyfriend. But he just doesn’t want to be around me… If I call him and ask him to come over, he would in a heartbeat. I don’t know. I’m so confused. I wish I could see into the future. Over two years with him and he just walks out the door like everything is fine in the world. I wish I could not care like he does. I’d be so much happier right now.
Hi Lizgrim, it sounds like your ex is exploring a life without you and is in dire need of space from the relationship. If that’s what he wants, then you should do the same and explore your life without him. Comparing yourself to women that he could possibly be dating isn’t helping your situation.
You have to take mini-steps to make your life’s focus about you and not your ex. Even though it’s difficult, you need to make sure you take care of yourself. And make sure you aren’t hurting your body physically just because your ex doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you right now. If his mom is short with you, then don’t contact her anymore. It sounds like she doesn’t want to be in the middle of your problems with your ex and so I wouldn’t even bother with her anymore.
I know he needs space… It’s just so hard. I mean this is the man that I’ve talked to daily for almost 3 years. The man I’ve spent the past over two years with. It’s weird not hearing about his day at work. It’s weird not seeing him shave in the morning. I couldn’t imagine a life with out him in it honestly. Nothing I do seems to have too much fun or passion because I’m not sharing it with him. I just don’t understand how he could walk out like it meant nothing. And I didn’t even want to talk about our relationship with her! I just wanted to see how the Hell she was doing.
I’m just getting so frustrated. I want my ex back… It’s been one week. How could he have not wanted to come home by now? How could he not miss picking me up in a huge hug and kissing me. How could he not miss playing with my hair and listening to my stupid jokes. How could he throw all of it away…
Yeah breakups are excruciatingly painful and it’s a very raw wound in your heart because its only been a few days. If you don’t feel like eating, at least drink a lot of fluids.
Life always feels very alien after a breakup because you are so used to him being there. But yes you can live your life without him-keep telling yourself that. Your existance and joy is not based on him being in it even though it may feel like it now. At this point, your mind is going to be at war. Your heart is going to struggle with all the memories and all the positive things about the relationship while your brain can’t fathom why he wouldnt want to be with you.
How did your relationship get to this point? I read that you said that he felt you were controlling. Controlling in what way? I’m sure he isn’t perfect so try not to place all the blame on yourself.
And I think his mother figured that you at some point would want to talk about the relationship so cut the conversation short.Well I am very controlling… I’m such a needy person and never feel like I get enough time with him. Sometimes I hated sharing time with him with his kids, which looking back looks so pathetic and childish. If he just got home from work but his kid had a baseball game, I wouldn’t want him to go because I felt like I hadn’t spent enough time with him lately. I wouldn’t say “no you can’t go”, but I’d be visibly upset. Also, if he wanted to sit outside and eat but I didn’t because it’s too hot/bugs/whatever, then we wouldn’t sit outside. Everything just seemed to come to this point where it was like if I didn’t like it, then we wouldn’t do it. Looking back I’m so angry I’ve been this way. I’d give anything to eat outside with him or lay in the hammock right now. I let myself get to this negative point in my life where I didn’t want anything except to lay in bed with him and not go out.
But a lot of my controlling or possessive behavior was due to a lack of affection or admiration from him. I felt like I always had to ask him for one more kiss or ask him if he loves me. He stopped complimenting me so I stopped trying in certain areas. We just let it get downhill. And we lost a baby a few months back which was awful for me. We wouldn’t talk about it and that has made the last few months pretty negative. It was just so much… I wish we had gone to counseling. I wish we had done something other than this! Just throw it away? With out even trying?
I always told him he would never be able to divorce me because I don’t give up on anything. I’m the most strong-willed person I’ve ever met so I’m not giving up.
But is it bad that I’ve got two rebounds right now. I’m just trying to fill up my time and get my mind off of my ex until he wants to come back. I could never move on from my ex but I feel bad about using these guys right now.
I am doing better today though. In some ways… Like I said, I finally have two guys to talk to instead of myself. I finally put the cup he last used in the dishwasher. I mean I left our house exactly the way he left it Wednesday afternoon. I didn’t move hardly anything because I was trying so desperately to hold onto it like he’s still here. But he’s not. And so I did our laundry and our dishes and I actually did productive things. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.
I’ve just never had happier moments than I’ve had with my ex. We’ve had some pretty awful ones.. but we stuck through so much. I mean so fucking much that would’ve tore down most couples. And then it ends because he wants space… Seems like a cop out to me and it pisses me off right now.
I’m going to call my ex tomorrow and see if he’ll come over to help get totes out of the attic. I don’t want to sit around playing silly games and waiting to talk to him. I won’t talk about our relationship but if I want to see him, I will.
He’s coming over in an hour and a half. I called him (he’s at work) and he didn’t answer. but sent me a text a few minutes later asking if it was urgent and that we need to talk soon anyway. So I told him to just contact me whenever he’s available. And then he asked if he could come over to our house after work to talk…
Part of me is hopeful but most of me feels like this is the “I’m sorry but it’s over for good” talk…
Hi, I am very happy to hear you are doing better…thats good. One small step every day. I know its very hard and it seems impossible. By time, u will feel 10x better than how you feel right now. Its just a temporary situation you are going through. You will not stay feeling upset like this forever…
please let us know how your talk goes with him. Fingers crossed, i hope its what u want to hear 🙂Hey Liz, I see what you mean about the controlling side of you. Poor guy doesn’t sound like he had much input in the things he wanted. A good friend of mine just lost her man of ten years due to the same issue. It was her way and nothing but. Whether you get back together or not, use this experience as a way to improve future relationships.
So how did it go with the ex? It kind of sounds like he wants to finalize the breakup by telling you that he wants to talk.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.