Devastated and don’t know what to do

Quite a bit happened… I’ve been under the impression that we’re moving forward a bit. That we’re perhaps trying to fix things with one another. I was also under the impression that ex was talking to Amanda a little bit but it was nothing serious and it was strictly platonic. Last night, Amanda’s friend was stalking and harassing her and was telling Tom about it. So I called the police for her. She texted my ex saying “Thank you for calling the cops my love” and a bunch of other bullshit… I flipped.

I texted Amanda that I was sorry I called the police but that ex and I were worried. This made Amanda freak out. She was texting me things like “he’s supposed to tell me if you’re over there” and “you’re only supposed to be there for emergencies!” and that they’ve never broken up and things have been “great” between them.

Ex was furious with me for hurting her while she’s suicidal and already cutting herself. That she can’t breathe and it’s all my fault. He was screaming at me to get out of his house and he’d call the police on me. I didn’t have my car with me or house keys or money. No where to go. He kept screaming at me til he locked himself in his bedroom. Eventually Icalled my brother to pick me up. Towards the end of the call, ex came out and hugged me tight. Said he loved me very much and all this. I left shortly after.

I told him that I will not be a part of his life if Amanda is in it as well. He said he loves me and that he hopes things can get better. He knows he messed up but all I do is look for the negative in him. He started going on a little bit about how I’m always there when he needs me. i’ve been his everything for a long time. He said that he told her just that night he won’t be part of her life while she’s cutting/trying to kill herself. He then says that he knows I can’t respect his actions but he’s tried… I asked him to please explain what the fuck has been going on between us the past month and a half and he said he couldn’t explain right now and that my lack of patience says a lot.

He then fell asleep (I was told by Amanda that they were on the phone til she fell asleep instead). And this morning he picked me up from my parent’s house.

We went to his house to unload his car and then up to our rental house. Well… we forgot the house key. Drove all the way back to his house and unloaded the car once more. We had been chatting/fighting in the car both ways. Me explaining how fucked up all of this is. Him saying that I’m the better choice for him. I’m the one he wants. But he feels terrible distancing himself from someone he cares about (Amanda) and he doesn’t want to hurt her. I explained again, I will not be part of his life like this.

When we got to his house, he asked me to get out of the car. He hugged me tight and said he loved my smile. We went inside and had sex and then we went to lunch. Lunch was fine. We got back to the rental. He cut the grass and then left for work.

I sent him a lengthy emailing saying i love him and I’d like to make this work but I refuse to be a speck in his life with her here. I’m serious this time. I will not go through this again. I will not accept this treatment. I feel like an idiot for letting it go on for so long and I feel terrible not listening to yalls advice. I guess this is my last update for a while.

Fuck I can’t just keep a solid head ever. Ex said that my email was lovely and sad and inspiration for a better tomorrow together… Things have been tough since then though because I don’t feel he’s putting in any kind of effort and I don’t know why I couldn’t leave him. I kept sticking around and shit. Maybe hoping for something to change. And then this morning I told him that I really just cannot do this. Like I’m over it. And he got angry about it. Saying he doesn’t want to be with her but with me talking this way he doesn’t want to be with me either. So I’m just… okay. I left. We didn’t text really at all while he was at work.

Then I realized I needed to print some papers off for a training class tomorrow and asked if he’d do that for me. So we meet at his house when he’s off work. He seemed very happy to see me. Very loving. We decided to go grocery shopping and get some chinese food. We ate our dinner and while we were printing off my papers, we were taking silly pictures together on my computer. Just enjoying each others company. Then Amanda texted me. I decided to be honest with him because I’d appreciate the same. So I told him. Amanda texted me asking if it was really over between us or if we’re trying to work it out. And so I told ex and that I wouldn’t respond and that should be his thing to tell her.

He got really mad. Told me my papers were done printing so I need to leave. I left and he texted me this shit about how I’m boring in bed now and I don’t try at all with him in any aspect. That he’s just going to keep ranting all night. He’s pissed that I don’t just block her on my phone and I kinda threw it back like you expect me to block her but you don’t?

I didn’t have a place to stay tonight so I asked ex if I could come back and sleep in the other room. He agreed and I came back. But as soon as I got here I realized I can’t. I can’t do this anymore. I feel myself falling out of love with this man. The more this continues. I need finality in any direction. Just actions. I’m done with words. I feel so heartbroken tonight but I don’t deserve this.

So it’s been rough. We’re trying to work things out but he won’t talk about future plans.. Won’t commit to me. Says he still needs time. And also! He won’t stop talking to Amanda. I can’t unlock his phone but he still deletes all the texts anyway. Talks to her and deletes them so I won’t “make it a problem”. I see from the lock screen she texted him four times at 2 am… So I ask him to please show me to maybe ease my mind a bit.

He unlocks it and she sent him four long texts about this “bad dream” she had in which my ex apparently saves her from one of her accused attackers and then he’s dying and his last words are “I love you mana. You tried your best.” and then she thinks of his two children! How fucking wonderful right? And she follows it up with asking my ex to call her and she’s so scared and worried and that she wants to hear his voice.

The best part is that all of this is happening at her fiances house because her and her fiancé were going off on a trip this morning! Ex thinks it’s not big deal but I think it’s her trying to manipulate him. I asked him to block her and he laughed and said he isn’t blocking anyone. Few minutes later ex comes in the bedroom and lays down on top of me and is trying to get attention from me and I told him that if he can’t block her, I understand. But I won’t be in a relationship and I won’t be trying if he’s doing this. That I can’t. He said a little bit of bullshit about something and it just sounded like a bad dream and that’s it.

I just can’t. I can’t be a pawn in his game or her game. I know what I want and need out of life and out of a partner and he clearly has no desire to give that to me. I’m not sure what to do next but I know I’m done trying.

Figured I’d write a small little update. We’ve been back together for a month now! Some days it’s wonderful and easy and other days I can’t get what he did out of my head. I’m hopeful for us and he seems to be trying pretty hard so I think we’ll be okay. We’re discussing babies and the future and everything as well. I guess I didn’t have much to say, just wanted to update for y’all.