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You might not have been ready for this answer but least for now you are not in a limbo anymore and can concentrate on the new job. It is not the answer you wanted and everyone who has ever loved and wanted ex back knows that and knows how you feel and I am sure all here who have commented on your messages were rooting for you but it takes also her wanting it and she seems not to know what she wants for herself other than work now so there would not have been much you could have done anyway. But the thing is none of us knows what future brings, it might be that in time she realizes what you guys had and contacts you or you meet someone else who will completely make you forget her until then you have people who care about you and are here to support you and new adventure to look forward to that can bring the most amazing opportunities for you.
That is pointless to spend time wondering things that only he can answer. You would not be much better space because of the way he behaved so why think what if’s clearly something was bothering him so you only torment yourself when he is the only one who can answer but not when you need it only when he is ready that is jut the situation where you are now.
Well I get that you dont but right now you cannot make him to change his mind. Best you can do is concentrate on you and let him deal with his anger and things that bother him and cool off. He needs space and you cannot push him for answers that will only drive him away permanently. Right now what he is doing is driven by negative feelings, by giving him the space you give him also chance to see what life without you is really like and what he is missing and if he still have those feelings as he most likely does he will come back on his own to you but pushing will and begging will only work against you so as hard as it is let him be for now. I know you want answers but life and relationship do not work that way and no under any circumstance are you a bad person it takes two people and you two just did not communicate in a right way during the last few months so if there is looking at who is fault it was both of you. You both reacted to situations wrong way and now you know and you learn and he has to do the same. By telling you concentrating on you I am not saying give up right now but to make sure that when you both have had time to evaluate and see things clearly that you are stronger and better prepared to have the right kind of communication and conversation. Giving it the space needed it is hard but it is worth it no matter what happens to your relationship with him.
Communicating is not needy it is the way you communicate that can cause tension. To be honest calling him over and over again until he answers is bit excessive though his response was too. But he felt for some reason cornered with his problems and unable to share those with you. The thing is it takes too to communicate the right way and you guys did not do that. Sometimes you need to give people space in relationship to let them feel they come to you when they are ready to talk not that you push them to talk when you see something bothers them. Sometimes the best course is just to say I can see something bothers you, I am here for you, I want to help talk to me when you are ready instead of pushing to find out what is wrong. Also if someone does not answer to you immediately why do you keep calling until he does? He knows you called, he will returned it when he can or is ready but you pushed his button with that one so you see it does depend on the ways you go about communication. He is now behaving very angry and childish manner and that is not right but there is nothing you can do about it. Unless you start pushing him some more so really just take this time to concentrate on you and maybe finding a place by yourself to live on etc.
I am sorry you are going through this and hurting but right now you need to take your cue for the status of the situation from his behavior towards you and it is appalling. He has treated with you total lack of respect. So what you need to concentrate is on you and trying to build back the pieces of your life with the assumption he is not in it. Of course I am not saying that he might not come back but for your sake you need to work on your life and spending time with family and friends to get the support you need to move on. If he decides to come back then think of it again but I see lots of red flags with his recent behavior I mean shutting you out is not a good thing, also he broke your phone that is extreme reaction to you calling him. He is obviously going through something that he is not willing to share with you and you need to let him work it out by himself but in the meantime you need to put yourself as number one here.
After so many years together you deserved more than what he has given you in the last month or so. Please concentrate on yourself, and making plans for your future. if he wants to be part of it he needs to work on some things first and then show you with actions that he values you and wants you. There is not much you can do to get him talk to you right now if he behaves like this so keep in mind priority is you for now.
I commented to you in the first place because you asked me to provide my honest opinion and I am not going to mollycoddle you and feed your hopes when I think situation is not healthy as long term. What I meant was the limbo of this ridiculous situation where he plays this caring but not caring enough to be with you kind of game i.e where he hints and spends time with you like boyfriend but not really committing to you as one because he might want to go on dare with someone else. To me what he does is very childish and you are letting him do that to you. When I asked about having the conversation it was not about you telling him how you feel because I do believe you have made that clear but just ask him what his intentions really are because this situation has carried on like this bit too long and I have feeling it can go on like this few months more and that is not good for either of you nor people around you because involving other people to comment on each others feelings and behaviors is well pretty much like some teenage drama. I am not doubting anything you have told about what he does only that the key bit is missing i.e him telling you that he wants to be with you as boyfriend /girlfriend and if I were in your shoes I would like to know why and if he would not want me then I would ask him to stop the games and giving mixed signals because you are stuck in waiting to see what he does and I would not like someone to have that control over my life and cause me constant hurt with it- Even if you love them a lot but that is not healthy type of relationship if you are being hurt by his actions and feeling anxious and down. I am not doubting he has feelings for you either but I do think he is being really immature with his behavior. I know this comment will annoy you again and that is why I will not reply to you anymore because I dont want upset you. Because my style is saying the way I see it, so it is not for everyone and I get that. So I do wish you all the best regardless what you may think and I hope you get him back.
Ok. Thanks your life and if this limbo is okay for you than that is your choice and I have no need to say anything further. Appreciate that you took time to answer and i wish you good luck.
You seem to be afraid of having the conversation with him and I wonder why is that? Not that it is any of my business but just curious because you ask peoples advice but you did not like mine which is your prerogative of course but just wondering about reasons for your avoidance to get this situation resolved one way or another.
Talking about negative feelings is good and I think keeping a diary or journal can also help just as an outlet for bad feelings or write them here. Nothing wrong with that. You are smart woman and sometimes we all just need a reminder of what we know because we so badly want to keep the hope and hang on to love we felt. In this situation I think his messages have not helped you at all. Which is kind of selfish from him as well. You know it does take two people to mess up a relationship not just one so dont blame everything on yourself main thing is that you take care of you right now.
Who knows what tomorrow brings so look forward to that.Because I am quite good with reading people and situations, I have experienced relationships and seen people experience relationships and I use objectivity, common sense and try to look at it both perspectives. I try to learn from everything and see even the failed relationships as learning curves and positives, simple as that. Oh and I speak my mind so I wont mollycoddle people with telling them to keep hope up if I think it was too dysfunctional in the first place because I feel truth and honestly are best and people only argue back to that because they dont like nor want to hear it. Your situation reminds me a lot of my best friends former marriage and I say former because she pressured him to marry her and he did when he was not ready and crew up to resent her and where it went to and it did not last. I can see both your side and your boyfriends and I did not think you need someone to tell you that you should do nc and keep hoping this is third nc and you have broken up already couple of times. You have impasse situation that you and him cannot resolve right now so only way for now is to live your lifes and do the best you can and if situation changes in future no one knows but right now it is not a situation you can do anything about so I rather see you really putting best effort into to this new thing and not be afraid of meeting new people friends and if /when you feel ready dating. Dont push yourself too hard on I must forget him now, it takes time and you should just accept that for now and take one step at the time.
Well the thing is there are lots of reasons why people dont want to get married immediately even if they are very much in love and the issue is if the other person starts pressuring and then breaking up with them for that reason it sadly chips away lots of the feelings they have not entirely but it makes people resent the other person for what they are doing. If I understood correctly he had made a clear plan and goal what he wants to achieve before marriage and this is one of those where perhaps right people met but the wrong time. He misses you which is great but he will not do what you want just because you want it and he loves you. He sounds very determined person and therefore I am not surprised that this happened. I have seen that with other people before. But just because you love someone very much you cannot sacrifice your values entirely because it is not right and this is where the clash comes. Right now you cannot fix this neither can he. Best you can do is make yourself and this new experience a success so when you go back home you can show yourself and him how great of person you and it is thanks to you and your efforts and no one elses. If you just give this opportunity a chance things will improve. I also think it is good you did not respond because those messages are not helpful to neither of you. They just keep both of you on a limbo and as long as you feel this broken up and fragile you are not ready to be his equal in partnership. Time will tell what happens but you need to think of you and just continue on your path .
Depending what they were like it can be good or bad thing for you. Just be careful.
I know it is hard for you but the problem was the marriage thing here. He has his reason and you expected that if he loves you he will marry you and that is not a good basis to go with he would feel that you are emotionally blackmailing him and you would feel that he must not really love you what difference does it make when you marry but sadly that is not the way it works and you are way too good of a person to think this is it for you and you will be sad forever. It just takes time as much of cliche that is but I really hope you try your best with this new start you have this could be best thing ever for you and see how things go. Little by little. I wish you all the best.
Hi Malinda,
First of all you are not a loser but this is honesty time and no I dont think there is any chance for this relationship. The moment you enter the cycle of breaking up getting back to contact any negatives eat away from the feelings there are and to be honest yes you might have very strong connection but there are serious issues here why this does not work and major one is you want different things he does not want a marriage and you do and the thing is you cannot pressure anyone to do something they do not want to. He realizes that you want this but he cannot give it to you for what ever reason he has. I know it is not what you want but you need to work on yourself and setting yourself to succeed in this new location you moved into, I know you think of him now but you need to find distractions and maybe consider seeing a therapist to help you with the self esteem because you should never think of yourself being a loser because you are not one so try to see things that would help you to work on the feelings you have for him and help you to move on. You have only been in the new country four days so you have not yet even given the new place a a chance. Get out and about meet new people and talk to people that is great distraction, finding out as much as you can about your surroundings make plans for things to see. There are massive amount of new and different opportunities out there and you should be out there enjoying them. And little by little you will start thinking about other things and in time he will be less of the thought.
I didnt say you are stalking what I said was obsessive checking which almost is like borderline stalking; ). Anyways you seem to have your head in the right place so that is really good. I know it is hurtful the way he has behaved and to be honest if he does take time to figure his stuff out yes there is the possibility that you guys get back together what I am more concerned is that he does no figuring his problems and still gets back together with you because if the tries dating and most likely he will not meet any one like you who he will have as good time with he might then come back and he needs to deal first with the negatives from the broken marriage and all that has brought and then figure out what he needs and not everyone does that so just be aware of that. I do sincerely hope he gets his act together and if your gut says it is not over then trust. I always go with my gut too.
