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Hello people,
We had 2 years together plus 8 months with break ups and getting together back and forth. The reason behind all the break ups was me wanting us to get married but he said hes not ready about it at all and never thought of getting married that his goals come first beside he thinks as living together without being married, plus jealousy issue during the time we were apart for sometime.
I first tried the NC in January and he got back to me with messages and emails after a week later and we started talking again but the problem was still there, after a month later we argued again and split up because he took me for granted and didnt want to take any responsibility about the relationship, second time again almost same things happened after I went on NC period, so the third time I thought I realised things not working out between us and tried hard to accept that we are not meant to be together and promised myself not to answer him when he initiates any contact but I was not successful again and this time he got back to me after 35 days or something and I could resisted his contacts only for 2 weeks and started talking again but he didnt come to me with anything certain, still doesnt know what he wants and the last time I really expected him to come to me with something but he did not at all plus made me feel worse and miserable, I got no job not stable financially and affected the people around me because of him being not stable with me at all. He got a good job and everything just set nicely with his own life but I was such a loser and I kinda pushed him to tell me what I wanted to hear so it backlashed and I got worse and worse this time so decided to move 5000 miles away and I did 4 days ago and he didnt tell me nothing…these thoughts killing me and some days are just like sht I cant handle…I came all the way to another country to start a new life but hes on my mind all the time eventhough it seems like he didnt give a sht about me at all letting me go away this far..
I wonder if I still stand any chance… 🙁
Any reply will be highly appreciated…thank you!Hi Malinda,
First of all you are not a loser but this is honesty time and no I dont think there is any chance for this relationship. The moment you enter the cycle of breaking up getting back to contact any negatives eat away from the feelings there are and to be honest yes you might have very strong connection but there are serious issues here why this does not work and major one is you want different things he does not want a marriage and you do and the thing is you cannot pressure anyone to do something they do not want to. He realizes that you want this but he cannot give it to you for what ever reason he has. I know it is not what you want but you need to work on yourself and setting yourself to succeed in this new location you moved into, I know you think of him now but you need to find distractions and maybe consider seeing a therapist to help you with the self esteem because you should never think of yourself being a loser because you are not one so try to see things that would help you to work on the feelings you have for him and help you to move on. You have only been in the new country four days so you have not yet even given the new place a a chance. Get out and about meet new people and talk to people that is great distraction, finding out as much as you can about your surroundings make plans for things to see. There are massive amount of new and different opportunities out there and you should be out there enjoying them. And little by little you will start thinking about other things and in time he will be less of the thought.
@Finntoga you’re right about what you said and I’m aware of it all I guess, it’s just way too hard to accept things that we can’t control :/ I appreciate you reading my story, thank you very much!
I know it is hard for you but the problem was the marriage thing here. He has his reason and you expected that if he loves you he will marry you and that is not a good basis to go with he would feel that you are emotionally blackmailing him and you would feel that he must not really love you what difference does it make when you marry but sadly that is not the way it works and you are way too good of a person to think this is it for you and you will be sad forever. It just takes time as much of cliche that is but I really hope you try your best with this new start you have this could be best thing ever for you and see how things go. Little by little. I wish you all the best.
He sent me messages recently @Finntoga
Depending what they were like it can be good or bad thing for you. Just be careful.
You’re just speaking the bitter truth above wow @Finntoga I know and I pushed him emotionally and made him feel depressed cuz as you said I thought he would marry me if hes really in love with me and I’m the one for him, why not to? But i think the wrong way Iguess, messed everything up
He said in his messages that wondering if I’m okay and asking me to take good care of myself, its very hurting him to know that I’m too far away in the other part of the world and the first thing he thinks in the morning and before going to bed is we are together somewhere on an other planet in his mind and he is hugging me and wishing this picture on his mind never goes away.. I didn’t answer anything @Finntoga
There’s no us anymore, its finished for good and I will just force myself hard to go on with my new start…its way too hurting and sad
Well the thing is there are lots of reasons why people dont want to get married immediately even if they are very much in love and the issue is if the other person starts pressuring and then breaking up with them for that reason it sadly chips away lots of the feelings they have not entirely but it makes people resent the other person for what they are doing. If I understood correctly he had made a clear plan and goal what he wants to achieve before marriage and this is one of those where perhaps right people met but the wrong time. He misses you which is great but he will not do what you want just because you want it and he loves you. He sounds very determined person and therefore I am not surprised that this happened. I have seen that with other people before. But just because you love someone very much you cannot sacrifice your values entirely because it is not right and this is where the clash comes. Right now you cannot fix this neither can he. Best you can do is make yourself and this new experience a success so when you go back home you can show yourself and him how great of person you and it is thanks to you and your efforts and no one elses. If you just give this opportunity a chance things will improve. I also think it is good you did not respond because those messages are not helpful to neither of you. They just keep both of you on a limbo and as long as you feel this broken up and fragile you are not ready to be his equal in partnership. Time will tell what happens but you need to think of you and just continue on your path .
How come you know this much, I mean really…surprised me @Finntoga
Because I am quite good with reading people and situations, I have experienced relationships and seen people experience relationships and I use objectivity, common sense and try to look at it both perspectives. I try to learn from everything and see even the failed relationships as learning curves and positives, simple as that. Oh and I speak my mind so I wont mollycoddle people with telling them to keep hope up if I think it was too dysfunctional in the first place because I feel truth and honestly are best and people only argue back to that because they dont like nor want to hear it. Your situation reminds me a lot of my best friends former marriage and I say former because she pressured him to marry her and he did when he was not ready and crew up to resent her and where it went to and it did not last. I can see both your side and your boyfriends and I did not think you need someone to tell you that you should do nc and keep hoping this is third nc and you have broken up already couple of times. You have impasse situation that you and him cannot resolve right now so only way for now is to live your lifes and do the best you can and if situation changes in future no one knows but right now it is not a situation you can do anything about so I rather see you really putting best effort into to this new thing and not be afraid of meeting new people friends and if /when you feel ready dating. Dont push yourself too hard on I must forget him now, it takes time and you should just accept that for now and take one step at the time.
Well you’re so right, I did know there’s no point of me asking people if I have another chance, I guess I just wanted to let it out and share with someone and hear some advice even though I’m already aware of the bitter truth as you reminded me above.. yes you’re quite good at reading situations I can tell
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