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I told you he needed more time : ). Honestly I am super glad you continued doing the work and that you got the OCD diagnosed and that is the most important thing here the work on yourself. Like I said from the start OCD, eating disorder, anxiety are all things that you can work on and over come the main thing is to do it slowly and not to concentrate on wrong things.Meaning you are the priority. I really wish you keep moving very slowly with your now current boyfriend: ) And just stop putting pressure on him and yourself and just keep communicating honestly and openly. I am really really happy that things have turn better for you which is what I always wished for you and I did believe that you could do it, though I must admit that towards the end I was sad that you seemed to slip back but pleased you did not. So pleased. I am glad you proved me wrong about bombarding him with messages : ) Must have been your stubborness ; ). Sadly Dragongirl was blocked but ask Kevin for our email addresses and you can update us on the progress. Well done girl so proud of you.
Liz, when is enough going to be enough of this treatment? I mean you do not know is that condom from last week, or the night before when he supposedly was at his mom’s. He has lied to you before, he goes between you two so quickly that how he even keeps track who he is seeing is beyond me. You decide what happens here not him, you are the master of your life. So if you want to continue this in hopes that someday he will make a decision and chooses one of you ask yourself these questions can you really trust him? What will be left of your self confidence and self esteem? Do you really think you can have great relationship with someone who has treated you so dismally for over three months and selfishly? I get you have put lot of time, of yourself, money and other things for this relationship but that is no reason to stay in it if you are being treated this way and this may continue for many more months he is not obliged to choose since neither of you are making him. So I get all that but that is not worth letting someone put you so down and feel so bad so often. I know you dont want to leave him but please least think of these things and think for example Mark, he cared about you. Dont you think there is out there someone who will love you like you deserved to be loved and who you can love back just like this douchebag but who will treat you with love and respect? I am not here very often anymore but I will try to see if you write here. I really really wish you so much strength in this situation and I wish I was in same country and city so I could help you more but I am not so sending positive energy and strength via here is all I can do for you. Please make yourself the priority number 1 here instead of number two.
Oh Liz, I am sorry to say this but your ex is a loser. I mean serious loser and you are defending him and making excuses and putting yourself out there and giving him everything. If you cannot see how shitty the thing he did to you regarding taking you out this special place and then her next night. He probably said same stuff to her as to you because he is pathetic. this is not going to stop unless you or the other girl stops it. Why would it he is not going to make a choice. Dont you see how unhealthy the fact that you go look for him and find him with her and yet you beg. He should be begging you to not leave him and you do it. Until he actually finishes with her please stop sleeping with him because a. you are endangering your health since he is sleeping with her too and if she is sleeping with the ex I mean come on. b. You deserve a guy who loves and cares about your feelings and this guy aint it. I know you made a promise not to leave him but you know what he lost right to expect when he started treating you this way, you no longer owe him to hold on this promise. People often mistakenly assume that falling hard and fast for someone automatically means that that person is their one true love. Problem with this is that it stops you from ending the relationship when it gets really bad and you cannot be objective about this
one true person and you keep justifying co-dependence, dysfunctionality, and his awful treatment of you. It doesn’t matter how much you love him, how amazing the sex is, or how much he says these things how you are better for him long term and he wants you now and cannot live without you. A relationship that damages you instead of helping you heal and be happy is NOT with your one true soul mate, and you must not make excuses for him in the hope that things will magically get better. Staying in this situation is only dangerous to you and your physical well being and I really think you are such a kind caring person who can do so much better in life once you loose this dead beat guy. I am sorry to say this but I had to give you my honest opinion because it pisses me off to see someone treated the way he is treating you and then you keep letting him and I wish I could give you more confidence in the fact how amazing person you are and that you should love you more to realize that this guy is not treating you the way you deserve.@Malinda, no sure how often Kevin reads these if at all so here it is even though it is against rules, he can block me if he wants. You can email me at [email protected]
For your sake I hope so but he has not ended with her so to me until he does that is temporary thing and I would not get my hopes up too soon. He has done this type of thing before so please proceed carefully.
Hi Malinda, Kevin said we are not allowed to post our emails here, you need to ask him for my email. I donthave problem him giving it to you but you need to ask it from him : ).
Well the thing for me is that my ex has no social media accounts i.e no fb etc so I had nothing to look and to be honest I did not have any interest every time I wondered I just tried to focused on something else and said to my self no this will not help you stop. So it is just about staying strong.
Ok so then it is clear I agree you should not meet with him so it is good decision. Now you just ned to work on the hardest part trying not to check his fb etc. I think you shoukd start slow like try setting small steps i.e try to focus your thoughts from him when they come and say okay toda I will try no to think of him so much or tomorrow I will not look at his fb at all. Then next day once or something on those linesand if you feel going towards his fb page or something walk away from pc for little while there are ways to do this little by little and I am happy to support you as much as I can because I do know from experience it is hard but listen you can and will do this and get back the control of your thoughts : ).
He is playing with you both and simple as he does not seem to care either of you really but himself. Do you think honestly think he will stop this when there is nothing that makes him stop? He is having his cake and eating it alone and you two ladies are being hurt. You should not dislike the other girl because she is in same boat as you are. He is doing this to both of you and the person you both should dislike is him not each other. I know you are hurting but if you want to have resolution you need to tell him he can no longer have you if he is with her. You know that there are men who would love to be with you but you wait for this guy why? I know you are hurting and I know it is hard but at the end of the day you really should care about you the most and you still put him first and he is not doing that to either of you. Please just take care of you, you are great person and deserve so much more. By the way Dragongirl told me to tell you that if you want to email with her please just ask Kevin to provide her email address , she would like to help you if she can and be there to listen and talk with. She was blocked thanks to some people on this site so she could not say that to you herself.
I do have to say I agree with Dragingirl because him giving you an ultimatum about something he has himself been doing months is so selfish.You deserve so much more in a reltionship but I also know that until you are and have reached that point nothing will not happen but I do think you should giving him the relationship benefits driving him around, sleeping with hi. You also mentioned that you dont have anyone to talk to. Have you thought about seeing a therapist someone who cam help you find the answers you need in relation to this relationship because you sound really caring , loving loyal person and this guy is at the moment abusing that part of you which is so wrong toward you.
I mean he gives on the one hand like talking about baby or looking at a house which indicates to you a future but then wont act on it. Next day he is with her and that to me sounds sick arrangement from him. I truly feel for you, this must so painful and stressful situation with having your hopes raised and then dashed next day but as I said before only you can break this cycle and make him choose even if it is not you but only when you are ready to do that and none of us here we can only give our opinion but this is your life. I do wish that you would see how great you are and would appreciate yourself more and realize how lucky he has been to have you not the other way around. Sending you virtual hug, stay strong.
Wow, there is lot of thoughts I had when I read all above so I am trying to get it all here : ). And Malinda what you don’t agree with just ignore because I make mistakes too : ).
First things first it has taken me 5 months to get this headspace. We have been broken up 7 months now.And no contact and that was my choice because I wanted to make sure I deal with everything with my anger, my hurt and most of all what I did wrong. And I am so grateful to him because he has hurt me the deepest than anyone in my life but he also gave me the best gifts he thought me how to fully open up, he made me see that my fears about him not loving me or leaving me were all because I did not love myself enough and now I do and unconditional love and acceptance for yourself has finally enabled me to have that same love for him and other people in my life and that gift I can never repay to him. I love him fully but it is enough if he is happy my life is so full and wonderful thanks to my family and friends and all the things I can experience that I am fine without him. Would I give him a chance if he asked heck yes in a heartbeat.
Now back to you. Toy said this:”This is my fourth week at work and meeting new people at work but I kinda keep my distance from them for now, a friend of mine found me a place to stay.” can I ask why are you keeping your distance, are you afraid to trust or is it that you are afraid what they might ask or what? Because to be honest spending time with new people who dont know you could be really good for you, just simple fun.And they might introduce you to more people?More opportunities. Of course it is your choice but I was just wondering why is that?
About how he made you feel? How did you discuss that with him? Was it always tied with the marriage talk. I can see how he resented the marriage been brought up but I am just thinking that what about you telling him how he made you feel. If you did tell that then was it that he did not listen or refused to hear because maybe the issue was the way you two communicated with each other rather than anything else. I dont know you tell me.
About this visit now personally I think it is bad idea because you dont seem to be in good space for it yet but is it something you actually want? Would it help you if he would visit you and you guys could talk and then let him see if he is willing to do anything real? I dont know I mean it comes to a decision do you wanna risk it one more time to see if you guys can work it out or have you well an truly accepted that it is not going to work. I mean that is something that you need to decide, you cannot listen to me or anyone else on it. You need to listen to your gut feeling and decide what you are ready for and what you think is the right thing to do. I know this slightly contradicts what I have been saying but I was looking at purely from my opinion and experience and now after having couple of hours to think of it more maybe your gut feeling is the one that should decide so what is it that you feel is the right thing to do? I was just wondering cos you kept bringing it up that what is your real feeling inside.
I am glad you felt better, I was going to leave these boards but I have ticked this thread so if you post I will see it and I am happy to be here for you as long as you need me or want me to.
You see how far ou have come. You alread realize that he was not making you feel the way you should in relationship and that is the first huge step to take and that is hardest for people to realize that often the reason for breakup is that there were aspects that were not working and sometimes no amount of love is not enough if your needs and wishes are imcompatible. You are right that no one should make you feel invicible nor bad about you and therefore in this point it would not have worked. You have great insight into your situation already and despite how hard is is when ou love someone they need to respect you as well and you are spot on that if you compromise on the marriage then his compromise should have been acknowledging you officially to people you know as your girldfriend. It is possible you pressured him with the marriage thing but all relationship take two people to mess up not one so there are things he did which contributed as much so it is not fair to blame one or the other when it is both. And I find laming people very counter productive anyway, what we all should do is learn from these situations and improve ourselves. I think you have been wa too hard on yourself and you just need to give yourself time, no one expects you get over him in a second not when it was as significant relationship as this has been for you. It takes time and patience and just take it one day at the time. When you feel really sad, have cry then stop and try to come up with something new to think or do. I mean how is life going in that new place now? Have you made any new friends?
Hey Malinda,
I saw these but I am at work and it is hard for me to respond sorry about that. So what is it that you want to do now? Do you want to respond to him and say you are okay because I dont think that is too bad if you do I mean it does not need to be novel, you can be honest and say I am fine but I need space to heal and move on it does not make you look weak but strong and the fact he gets nasty well it just shows he does has feelings too. The thing with you two is that your wants are very different. I mean let me ask you this question would you be willing to continue a relationship without him proposing to you for few more years ? if answer is no then for now you need to leave it for now and continue this nc and trust me once you are ready there will be someone else who is as good and most likely someone who will have similar needs. One of the hardest things in life is figuring out what we really need and want in a relationship anf from our partner and where we are willing to compromise. Sadly that knowledge often is only achieved through heartbreak but you already have learned many important lessons from this experience and you know in future relationships with him or someone else Neither of you were willing to compromise on the marriage and that broke you up not lack of love. But when it is something so fundamental and you could not see way out of that impasse it means your needs and wishes were not meeting and it is hard to make relationship work in those conditions almost impossible. So before you say there was no love, I doubt that I believe there was that is why it is hard for you both to cut the contact but I agree him visiting you when you are still feeling so vulnerable is not good idea. I dont see why you two could not meet when you go for visit back home but that should not be until you know inside that you are happy with both either him coming back or not coming back. Or at least are in better frame so that you can keep it positive. That is the stage I have reached I am happy alone and would I love my ex back yes but all I want is for him to be happy like I am so keep on living my life and ding fun things. And right now I am in best frame of mind in my entire life and you will get there two trust me. You have already shown incredible strength and you should be proud of yourself. Those weak moments are fine we all have them and that is being human. Stay strong. I will write more later when I can but now I have to go back to work.
I think you should notify him because he will continue spreading it and not getting it treated.. You dont need to have further convo just tell him that he needs to get check up asap I get there is a risk that he might behaved the way you think but you know what karma is a bitch and he will get his one day ten fold. I think this is an opportunity to be the responsibe adult and if he chooses to continue being jerk then let him. You are better that that guy. I am so sorry that this is what you got from him. Breakups are hard enough without discovering this. But you know you will through this and you will get good things happening to you just wait and see. I wish you all the best.
I am more concerned on your well being if this limbo keeps going on for very long. I get it is hard but I guess what you need to decide is who do you love more you or him? and only you can decide that. Despite making that promise not to leave him, no one should be with person who makes them feel so bad and low. I get you feel great at times when you are with him but if you sleep with him and give him all the things you did when in relationship then why would he choose since he is not losing anything?
I dont believe in making ultimatums on people but I also dont believe that you should let people disrespect you and make you feel so bad and that is what he is doing. His mother was right he should not be with anyone right now because he is honestly behaving like a child not a man. I feel bad for you because I can feel how much you love him, how much you have given him and continue to give him still and he takes it and still is with someone else. But ask yourself this is it okay to feel this bad all the time? If your friend would tell you this story what would you say to her? What do you feel you deserve from your partner? How will he know what he has lost in you if you go off grid few fays and then pop back. He never gets to see what life without you really is does he? And if you were off grid and he should choose you , should he not be the one to contact you? It is like you said if he says he wants to choose you and wants children why does he not do it then? You need to think of these things as painful they are so that you can make best decision for you, not for him but for you.
I had a bond like that once with someone. I slept with him after ( that stage we had been together two years) he had cheated on me and was seeing her but because we had the connection all he had to do was stroke my neck and I could not stop myself but I felt used and dirty after and I told him no more I cannot do it. And I ended it there and you know what he came back to me after one week. We stayed together year and half more but trust was damaged between us so I ended it then and felt relieved. So I know how hard it is to try to deny those feelings but that is why if you decide this is enough you should stop all contact and not see him (no driving him, no haircuts nothing) I know that would be hard but he needs to see what life without you and I mean really without you is. But like I said you need to do what you decide when you feel ready and if not then you need to accept the situation as it is but none of us can tell you what to do and when to do it and how to do it. All I just wish that you would show same care for yourself as you do for him. I told you this so that you know I have been there too so I do understand how you feel.
Is there a way that you could go away for couple of days or stay at someone elses place so he cannot reach you. Just to clear your head and get some distance to this situation? I wish I could help you more but please make sure you just care about you as number one because you need to love you before you can love him unconditionally and vice versa. Also let me just say this to you if you choose to walk away it does not mean you are worthless it means you know you deserve a man who knows they would choose you any day over anyone else and that you deserve their commitment to you.
I know it is hard when you are in different country from your own – I know lots of Swedish guys, friends, colleagues and despite not living in Sweden, I live in Denmark and am from Finland so I know the mentality and it differs from Italian a lot.Because he used the bs answer it is not you it is me instead of telling what really bugs him. You did not mention how old you guys are but you have been together 61/2 years which is getting to be time that you either start thinking about proposing or you get the seven year itch. Dont get me wrong I do believe he has feelings for you but he has been unfair by not telling you what is it that really bothers him. I dont think nc is too late for you. If Iw as you I would right now concentrate this July spending time with family and friends. When you return to Sweden make your place to live great for you, spend time with your friends, do some new things and post them on Fb as it is good if you guys are still connected there. If he sees that you manage without him fine and are confident that will make you attractive to him. As far as I could see what you told above you have not yet made any too bad mistakes after break up. I think you just have been too hard on yourself. If you concentrate on you for now and give him some space to figure out what ever is bothering him. I hope this works out as you want it to.
OMG what a situation. I feel for you Liz, this is not good what he does to you or himself. I mean he needs to sort his shit out and grow up. How can he talk about having more kids when he cannot even decide who does he wants to be with. Don’t get me wrong I do believe he has feelings for you that is in no doubt here but what he is doing to you is not right. You seem like nice person and deserve better. Personally I would not have sex with someone who then goes to another woman and does the same with her. I find that really disrespectful and you saying godly man he sure as heck aint behaving like one. I can get this is emotionally really hard on you and I mean this seems to have been going on for a while now and this kind of limbo is not good for anyone. I think you need to make a choice here because he cannot do it so you need to decide what is best for you long term? Would you really want to bring a baby into situation like this? Wouldnt it be better that he chooses you because he wants to be with you and not because he got you pregnant cos he wants a baby. His actions scream selfishness, indecisiveness and right now not enough caring about your or the other girls well being. If person is that mixed about his feelings dating the two people in question is the last thing he should be doing. I really feel for you and I get how hard it is to choose do you try to stick around bit longer cos you love him or do you choose to walk away.
If you are not willing to cut the cord with him, I think you should stop sleeping with him at least for now because I would think of health implications this sleeping arounf has. If she does not care he sleeps with you, would he care if she slept with someone else?
I wish I could give some better advice but this is one of those situations that you need to decide when you are ready what to do. I wish you all the best with this.
