NC for the last time

Malinda, I’m so sorry to read that you are going through this. From what you say, I do think he loved you. It sounds like he is a commitment phobe. Its a similar situation to my ex over the past few years. (Though our current split is not due to him being a commitment phobe – possibly its driven out of the insecurities i had because he was a commitment phobe, see below). I don’t know the correct advice I am afraid as it would seem he does love you and would give it another go. But if he is a commitment phobe, how do you prevent another break up again and how do you prevent the insecurities or resentment creeping in on your side. Each time he hurts you, I think it eats away at the trust and love (even if subconsciously). I think the only answer is if they truly believe they have lost you through a very long period of NC (several months at least) or through you meeting someone else. And that they commit before it has built up any resentment in you. I think often a commitment phobe will only realise he is prepared to commit when it is too late – and its sadly their loss as much as their partners’.
In case its useful, what happened in my scenario is this – we were together on and off for just over 3 years. During that time we had a couple of break ups – mainly because he was a commitment phobe – no relationship problems at all. The last break up, he won me back by making a full commitment to me – living together, agreeing to have children. So we got back together but none of these things seemed to materialise in the following few months. So I would get stressie with him and say it must all come through or its over. So he would do them (we moved in together) – but it was all so reluctant. So I ended up resenting him and we found ourselves in a vicious circle of negativity. We mutually split in March / April. He moved out. I regretted acting so miserably the past year and asked him if we could sort it out. He said no. I went no contact for several months. Then he reconnected about the admin of our apartment. I tried to be friends with him to rebuild the trust – seemed pointless as he just wants to talk about admin. He isnt really interested in even having a lunch or dinner together. Now I have given up. At long last. I know that he did love me – it took him a long time but he was genuinely in love with me. And I with him. But now he feels hurt by my behaviour during the last year and that’s why he wont consider coming back. So that’s why its important for you – that it doesn’t go on so long that your resentment builds.
Sorry if that was a bit of a ramble, I hope it helps. Good luck with the path you choose.

I am sure you will pick yourself up again soon – soon it will be a new year and a fresh start for you. You are not alone in what has happened here and you do deserve more than this man gave to you. At least you have had the strength to see his words for what they are now – you have been very strong the past few weeks and very smart to understand what has happened. Take heart that he did love you – I think these kind of people do fall in love – they are just really quite insecure – always needing their partner to chase them, not trusting in love enough to give themselves to the relationship. Warm wishes to you

Hi Malinda,

Sorry for not being in touch but frankly I have been super busy at work and have not really been on this site. The biggest problem I see here is that in your heart of hearts you still have not really accepted the fact that he is not ready nor willing to marry you right now. I told you while back that you cannot force anyone to commit if they are not ready it does not mean they do not love you they simply do not see life and choices same way as you do and don’t want those things at this stage of their life.Sometimes it is just about bad timing between two people. You gave him ultimatum and the fact that he did not bend to it you chose to see as sign he does not love you enough but I keep telling you love is accepting the other person as they are faults and all even when they don’t do what you want. If what they have to offer is not enough for you then you need to step away from that person because the point is not to be miserable when you are with the person you love. The problem here is you still concentrate solely on him and him not being in your life and the fact that he is so successfull and he did not love you. When the case was he does but not in the way you want i.e the marriage etc.That is what you need to accept first and also work on you make you feel confident in your abilites and who you are. Marriage cannot be a validation of someones love for you, the fact that he kept trying to contact you for so long despite nc and all shows he does he just cannot give you the commintment you want.Also just because he has good job it does not make him better person than you are or superior to you. So he has money, he has good job but think of the things he is lacking in his personality or now that he does not have you? He is not the person who defines your value. You are. So stop looking at his FB or any other social media things. What he does is irrelevant as long as he chooses not to fully commit to you. What is relevant is what you do and how you feel. It is okay to miss him and have sad moments but you are wallowing now and maybe you need to talk to someone because it is beginning to sound bit like depression? Just a suggestion and I could be wrong. But to be honest your life is not ruined,your heart was broken and it takes time to heal but you gotta want to heal for you. Not for him. Life is not over, you are still young and life is full of opportunities but they wont come to your door to knock you have to go after them so instead of spending all the time thinking of him start looking for ways to fill your days with positive things that mean you think everyday five minutes less of him.Start figuring out what you want from life (besides him and figuring ways to work towards those goals) and you know what you will start healing slowly and little by little but you gotta to try, stop saying you are weak since you are not you just need little support and help and belief in yourself and you can do it. Think about this. There is no magic trick for moving on it comes from when you start loving yourself and be happy in yourself and that takes work. Work on that and you will feel better. I speak from personal experience there.

Hi Malinda – I’m going through a similar situation. I was in a 1 year relationship with this man and last week was breakup #3. I fell hard for him and it seemed it was the same for him. Our connection and chemistry was out of this world.

I will preface by saying my ex owns his own businesses (3 of them). He is 100% driven and motivated to make sure these businesses are successful. I will also note that he was engaged once and broke it off a month before the wedding because “it didn’t feel right”. Then his last long term GF he also broke up with her twice. So definitely patterns of commitment phobe and also very reactive.

After 1 month, he said he wanted exclusivity. Things were great. He had to travel for work a few months later. When he got back, 3 months into the relationship, cause he felt he needed to be single and “follow his gut”. He broke up with me over the phone and I wanted a face to face convo. We met up a week later and the second we saw each other we knew breaking up wasn’t the answer. He told me he acted in haste and freaked out about being in a relationship. Before he met me he was in his bachelor mode and hooking up with chics. I think he didn’t expect to meet a woman like me. Caring, understanding, cool, and pretty.

We dated a few more months, he brought me to his best friend’s wedding where I met all his close friends and family. That weekend he told me he loved me. It was seriously magical. A weekend to remember and it was then where I thought… okay this is it. I met my guy.

A few more months pass and I can feel the distance again. He was extremely stressed with work, traveled a lot in July/August for 2-3 weeks at a time. Came back and I could tell his mind was 100% focused on business. Then he hit a breaking point and lost a huge section of business. There was 3-4 days where he straight up ignored me. We talked and he said he’s not sure he should be in a relationship right now. He didn’t end things quite yet, but then a week later ended it because he said he wanted to “start from square one”. Which for him meant be single, go out and meet women…. just like he did before when his business was booming. He thought if he started from square one that he would be successful again. I was heart broken all over again.

This time I didn’t reach out for a convo. However a week later I had to put my dog down of 9 years. Long story short he saw a Facebook post and immediately called me. We ended up seeing each other and he told me how much he missed me. Said he was wrong about needing to start from square one. He told me he associated being hungry for business with attacking the opposite sex. But he realized he didn’t need to do that anymore. Cause he had me, someone who he values and who supports him. He said everything I needed him to say without me having to tell him. I took him back again.

We had a few great months then again… Noticed the distance and change of energy. He told me work was about to get very busy. And he was right. Would spend most of the weekdays staying home when before that we’d see each other almost every day. I felt neglected but also wanted to support him. When we did see each other I definitely felt some distance but tried not to get paranoid like I did in the past.

I also noticed he started saying/doing things to try and get a reaction out of me. Almost like he was pushing me away on purpose. It hurts now to think that’s what he was doing…

So last week, he tells me he wants to take me to get my bday present. Then afterwards we come back to my apt and he gets so quiet. Finally I ask him what the deal is and he says he doesn’t see himself in a long term relationship. I completely lost it. I was so calm all the other times but not this time. I felt played. Foolish. Told him the last year was a waste of my time. I was completely broken down by him and his back and forth decisions.

Now I’m here… 1 year later, completely devastated. Confused. Sad. Angry. And missing him and the good times. He texted me a few days ago, happy birthday, but I deleted it without reading it. Then the next day he removed our pictures from his timeline.

Now I’m not sure where to go from here. Or what to think. Can’t but think it’s something I did. Or didn’t do.

A friend already saw him on a dating app. Which he will use strictly for hookups. That hurts too cause he said when business is crazy he doesn’t feel sexual. What a joke.

Now what……?