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Hi everyone, I really need some advice. I think I’ve completely blown my chances of ever getting my ex back, even if I do follow the advice on this site. Basically we’ve been on and off for over a year now and we argue a lot, he never apologises after arguments and will just ignore me for the rest of the day or even for a day+ where as I’ll apologise most of the time regardless and I hate being ignored, especially by him, and then when he does speak to me he just acts normal again or sometimes he’ll say things like ‘going to be a normal gf or still an angry troll’ I admit when we argue at times I can say some really horrible and unforgivable things, but so has he. He’s said many times over the past months that he doesn’t love me and hasnt wanted to be with me for months now. It’s mostly him who breaks up with me, I’ve only ever broken up with him once but I didn’t mean it.
He’s also said that he’s only taken me back because I made him or wouldn’t leave him alone. Now last week we had a huge fight on Sunday and things got so bad and again he said were over and that he doesn’t love me anymore and that once I leave his house I won’t be setting foot in there ever again. Things got broken and he got angry and I replaced the broken things because I felt so bad and got them sent to his house. They arrived at his house the day after our breakup, and on the 3rd day of our break up he text me saying he got the items but he can’t accept them knowing how he feels about us and that he sees no future for us and doesn’t see us ever working. I tried to do no contact but failed on day 3 🙁 and text him back saying ‘Hey, I was just thinking about the first time we went to the cinema together to see Jurassic World, it was so good. I am glad we did that.’ But because he didn’t reply I turned into a text gnat and then said ‘could we talk please? I don’t like how things were left.’
He replied ‘I enjoyed the good times we had too but things arent the same and we argue too much, please send me your address so i can return the items as it doesnt feel right’ I responded ‘I don’t want to lose you, so will you please work with me to make our relationship work again, I know I don’t deserve it but I care for you deeply and I love you..I want you to keep the them, I’m sorry.’ And again he didn’t respond so I text him again saying ‘Please just talk with me, even if you hate me, please hear me out.’ He responded saying ‘it’s over I’m sorry, there’s nothing else I can say’ I continued to keep begging him to take me back, making all the mistakes such as begging, texting non stop, stalking, ringing, emailing etc and him not replying and when he I asked him if he loved me he said no sorry and he also said he won’t be contacting me anymore and i really dont want to upset you more and talking is doing that, you are more than welcome to let me send the items back, other than that good bye. I continued to bombard him with messages and calls, he replied no my minds made up..I continued to message and call him the next day too but no reply.
It’s not been almost 8 days I haven’t heard from him and I’m absolutely terrified of losing him. I didn’t text him in 7 days now I..I want to try the no contact but I always end up caving in. I tried it once before after we split up and he did contact me after 2 weeks saying he missed me, but recently when we broke up I said you contacted me before when we split and he said i won’t be making that mistake again. I think i’ve completely blown my chances and that the no contact rule won’t be as effective this time. What if he doesn’t contact me ever again? Do you think the Nc rule will get him to speak to me or even give us a chance of ever getting back together? Please help.
how old are you guys? I think you should definitely go on no contact. focus or wrk or school or both and give yourself and him sometime
I’m 22, he’s 26. I tried the no contact before when he split up with me, but he got in touch after week 2 of NC saying he missed me, but eventually I got him back, but I think I’ve completely blown it this time 🙁 He said he’s never gonna talk to me again, but I stupidly told him during an argument that you said you missed me last time and he said he won’t be making that mistake again and it’s been two weeks today and I haven’t heard anything, I’m absolutely terrified. 🙁
I’m gonna be honest there is few red flags here why I think your relationship will not work even if you do get back together unless you do something about it. Right now you guys arent fixing the real issues and when relationships become this on and off thing it will not work long run and I assume you want this a bit longer? First you need to figure out why you fight so much what type of things start the arguments and how you behave during those arguments. Why I say you is because you cannot fix him and his issue , you can only work on you. So what you need to work on is figuring out the root cause for the arguments why do they start and what is the trigger? (you may think that they are about different topics but in the background there is one main cause.) I mean if he is always saying to you during these arguments and after that he does not love you and he feels you are making him to be with you (that is crap, you cannot force people really unless they let you.) he is feeling some kind of anger or resentment towards you. Maybe from the first breakup or something there is certainly some anger or resentment left because those words hurt you and he knows that and when you are happy and in balanced relationship you do not hurt the person you love so what happened between you two to cause that? Relationships take two to tango and therefore both contribute to the failure of it in different ways. If you are genuinely serious getting him back then you do NC and you will keep it no matter what. Your behavior of begging, messaging, calling has irritated him even further and he will need time to calm down, get over his anger and resentment and I am sorry to say that every time you will give in and contact him you are your chances getting him back so when you feel like giving in think about that. Because he will most likely need more than month to first cool off and then start sorting his feelings out and I know that is not what you want to hear but I have seen this type of thing before so be smart about it.And the one thing you should not do is think that what he said after the first break up applies to second break up it does not so reminding him of that is mistake. If you work on yourself during this time and really apply the nc, yes there could be a chance of getting him back but give him the space and time now minimum 30 days or bit longer.I really do wish you good luck. You both need the time to re-evaluate your relationship and learning what is the cause for these frequent arguments so you can work on it. All the best.
Thank you so much @finntoga I have tried telling him that we need to communicate and get to the root of our problems, he refuses to talk about it. I know my reasons why we argue but I don’t know if his will be the same if he’s not willing to discuss it.
UPDATE!! Yesterday I was speaking to one of our mutual friends about my ex and he showed my ex the conversation. He basically said he thinks I’m childish and that the arguments have gone too far and not speaking to me is for the best. I stupidly text my text, which means I failed the NC and now have to start all over. He never even replied either. However this morning he text me saying ‘Ergh i fucking miss you -.-. Whats the point tho!!!?!… i still smoke and you still havent had time to change. Fuck i hate feelings’ I replied ‘I miss you too :/ I love you James. I don’t care if you smoke, none of that matters anymore. I just can’t lose you over it. I promise I’ve had plenty of time to think and learn, I admit I was in the wrong. If you give me one more chance I promise we will not argue. I’ll be a good person I promise James. Without you I’m a wreck :/’ then he didn’t respond so I text him again saying ‘I know you don’t think I’ve had enough time to change, but I honestly have. I regret everything bad I’ve ever done and said to you. It was stupid and immature of me, I shouldn’t of done it. I treated you badly at times, I admit it. I just want a chance to show you I’ve changed. I realise now how stupid I was to blow it over silly things. I love you so fucking much and the thought of not having you in my life anymore kills me. We spoke about so much, did so much together and we’ve pretty much spent this past two years in each other’s life. I can’t let that go. Just let me prove you wrong and I promise hand on heart I will never ever hurt you or mistreat you again. You didn’t deserve that because in my eyes you’re perfect.’ he replied ‘Idk why i txt sorry -.-‘ I then said Did I say something wrong? Please don’t apologise. It’s so good to hear from you! Will you be willing to try again? I mean everything I just said. You are amazing and perfect please never ever forget that. He replied saying ‘Again i might miss you and keep thinking about you but whats the point!?!? Like i said i still smoke and ull still end up jelous or angry over random things well theres no point me saying you know as well as i do…’ He stopped responding after that, even though I’d text him back 3 more times 🙁 if he misses me and thinks about me why won’t he give us a chance?
That is the problem here your actions and you just refuse to see it.Read the sentence “I try to tell him we need to talk to get to the root of our problems”. This is what you do you try to push him to do what you want and need which is to discuss this now regardless if he is ready and to change certain behaviors but that has to come from inside of him and it has to be something he wants to do and he is clearly not there you can only work on how you react and act on situation. You ask why does he say he misses you but does not then get back with you. Feelings do not die in one night so he has feelings for you and yes he misses you but he has his reasons not to get back with you. But you are not giving this process any chance to work because you keep contacting him (you continuing texting him once he stopped comes across clingy and guys dont like that). And you are not giving him realistic chance to miss you and figure his feelings out and also you taking time to work on your relationship skills. The thing is if you contact him any chance you get and send messages like you described you come across needy, clingy and desperate. I know you want him back but the way you go about it is guaranteed way to loose him so please for your own sake do this right go for nc and really work on it. I am saying this from experience not just my own but friends as well .
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