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yes, met the parents and it went well! everything seems so easy. with my ex i was always analyzing and making excuses and explanations for things and with this, everything is just easy. i feel confident and secure and he has no hesitations. i always felt like my ex wondered what else was out there and i don’t feel this way in my new relationship at all. we have booked a vacation for next month and i am excited to keep going forward. i think about my ex less and less everyday.
everything you said about your ex is exactly how i feel some days. i try not to think about it because it hurts too much but when i remember how distant we are or the fact that we are both with other people or that we have zero communication anymore, it makes me feel, like you said, like i am somehow in the twilight zone. after spending so many years with these people at such a young age its just hard to get used to how things changed. i cannot believe that your ex already has a new boyfriend and that you need to see how often she goes and sees him. i have a stomach ache thinking about it. a friend of mine last week saw my ex and his current girlfriend out for lunch and when she told me i almost threw up. its just better when i don’t think about them which I’ve gotten pretty good at. im happy so im happy he is too but after so many years together its just weird that someone else is knowing all about him and talking to him daily and we’ve become strangers. but i guess thats life.
i love these boards as well. they were so helpful to me when i was having such a hard time so its nice to come back and give some support. what you said about your ex with the lying and manipulation is exactly how i feel. i don’t care that my ex wanted to date other people, but the way he’s gone about it and how he acted the last few weeks of our relationship really made me wonder if i ever knew him at all. its really crazy and kind of scary.
i rarely have tough mornings anymore but i do have random moments of sadness. we can never truly erase our pasts. my ex was doing the same thing, still telling me he loves me when we spoke, that maybe this was temporary, etc. although he has now been with his girlfriend for almost 6 months so it has definitely progressed to the point where him saying those things is inappropriate. he also knows i am with someone else now. life is really so strange. just have to take each day as it comes.
good to hear from you @labound! im sorry what a mess this has all turned into for you but i think it gave you the strength you need to walk away.
killing the last ounce of hope was hard for me and to be honest i don’t think it completely fades until you meet someone else. you will be so strong for getting through this and find a girl worth of your love. your ex keeps boyfriend hopping and its not gonna get her anywhere.
as for me, im very happy in my relationship! i feel totally confident and secure and so much more appreciated than i was in my past relationship. we have met each others families and are moving forward. i couldn’t be happier 🙂 my last ounce of hope died because i can say now that i don’t want my ex back. i don’t want to be with anyone who views me as a plan B. you’ll meet someone who makes you feel this way and i am sure of that!
@LAbound, I am so so sorry to hear she was sneaking around. After everything she has put you through, she at least owes you respect. But in a way I think this is a good thing for you because it really gave you the strength to walk away. Reconciliation is hard work and quite frankly she just doesn’t sound mature enough to commit to something like that right now. She is chasing whatever is new and exciting and sounds like she is running from stability. I don’t really get how our exes could walk away from people who love them so much and would do anything for them. It’s definitely hard to find.
I actually ran into my ex yesterday completely randomly. We ended up getting coffee and chatting for a half hour or so. It was actually nice. I’m glad he saw me happy since the past few times I’ve been so miserable. We caught up about surface things, didn’t discuss the relationship at all. I told him I was seeing someone and he didn’t ask for details just said he was happy im happy and I deserve the best.
I think in both our situations it’s hard to walk away from the comfort and the familiarity of a person we grew up with. It always feels very natural with my ex. He knows me inside and out and I feel an overwhelming sense of comfort and naturalness around him. Unfortunately though he was a lot like your ex in the relationship. He wasn’t a “bad” boyfriend but we definitely had some trust issues in the relationship – he would tell me small lies and I never truly felt like the top priority. I think partly due to age and immaturity but the further removed I get from the situation the more I recognize that anyone who wants to be away from me – who wants to date other girls – just doesn’t value me in the right way. Maybe we met too young but he made his choice and I am ok with that.
I can also 100% relate to what you said about not knowing how to react when someone treats you with respect and is honest and loving. I truly can’t believe the way my new boyfriend treats me. It’s such an amazing feeling to feel like someone’s top priority and to have someone be honest and genuine with you. Right now the only thing my ex has on my current boyfriend is so many years of history but I keep telling myself that it takes time to develop that sense of comfort. Definitely took time with my ex.
Yesterday my ex and I admitted we both want different things right now. He doesn’t want as serious of a commitment as I do. I’m sure there will always be something there though. I really do wonder how all of this will play out. Some days I think I would be happier never speaking to my ex again and others I still feel like maybe it’s meant to be deep down. I guess only time will tell.
Anyways It sounds like you have some great friends and exciting plans for the summer! I truthfully would not have survived this year without my friends. It’s amazing how much everyone stepped up. I know you will get through this just fine and you will find yourself in a committed, happy, and healthy stable relationship while your ex is still confused and jumping around from guy to guy. Big believer in everything works out the way it’s supposed to when we let things unfold naturally 🙂
@LAbound,
i am really happy/excited/proud of you and whats to come!! it is never easy to walk away, especially when you have to be the one to do it but you can go with your head high because you tried everything you could to salvage the relationship. it takes two though and she just wasnt ready to put in the effort. in my opinion, she never truly felt the void of losing you. she had two flings that fizzled quickly so she ran straight back. i think the only way she will ever appreciate your relationship is with real, significant time away and time to reflect and grow on her own. she isn’t ready. she is still chasing a shiny new toy.you will be fine. you’ve been through it and it sucks but the second time around will be easier. you shouldn’t be with someone who thinks about sleeping with other people. sure we all find others attractive but this is more than that. her ambivalence isn’t good enough for you. you will move on to someone else who appreciates everything you have to offer and i am excited to see what you do next!
my new relationship is going great. i am thrilled. he treats me better than i ever thought anyone would and is the most amazing guy. we have so much fun together and i am getting excited about seeing where this progresses. of course, like you, i feel lucky to have all those years with my ex; it definitely shaped who i am today. we are still young and im not sure what the future holds but i know if my ex will ever be the type of boyfriend i would want him to, it would be after significant time like years away from me and dating others and being on his own. and to be honest, i think i will already be long gone by the time he appreciates what we had. if my ex came back tomorrow, i would choose my current boyfriend. life is good 🙂
hi @LABound, good to hear from you again!!
as an outsider reading your situation, i think you deserve more. it doesnt sound like she is ready to give 100% to you and to the reconciliation. i think you are handling things the right way but there is a small part of her that is still not ready to commit. im not sure if you stick with it if it will come in time or not. trust your gut on this one.i know how hard it is to walk away from someone you’ve spent so many years did. but i finally did cut my ex out and go complete NC. my friends set me up on a blind date with a guy a few weeks ago and we had an unbelievable connection. felt very natural and comfortable from the beginning. he treats me so well and is so willing and ready to commit and there are no games being played. it is such a nice change up from my ex. there are of course still days i miss my ex very much and there are things about the new guy that i compare to my ex but overall its nice to be with someone with no drama, baggage, or trust issues.
again, im not sure what the future holds. im still very young. but i know for right now if my ex isn’t wanting to give me 10000% and has an interest being with other girls then i deserve better. and for right now, I’ve found it. if down the road he feels differently, i will have to see how i feel.
but like you, i am happy. i think you deserve more. you’ve been more than fair and understanding with her throughout this whole ordeal. if she’s not giving you what you need, don’t be afraid to walk away. you deserve someone who wants all of you and you and only you. keep us updated 🙂
kaila,
there is always the chance. we never know what the universe will throw at us. do i believe its likely you will reconcile? personally, no. but i don’t know you or your ex and im no expert so you need to take everything i say with a grain of salt.i have a story for you. my best friend from college broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years two and a half years back. she was completely devastated. he was her first love and she was sure they would get married. he told her he met someone and wanted to pursue it and see what else was out there etc. she was shattered but loved him enough to give him his space to move on. he started dating the other girl and stayed with her for 1.5 years just breaking up with her last august due to incompatibility. my best friend stuck to nc. she was in too much pain to contact him and knew she would have to accept the break up and give him his space. she was sad but she eventually healed and met a great guy. she stayed with him for almost two years. their relationship ended because she lost feelings. she then ran into the initial ex completely randomly at a bar after not seeing each other or speaking for two years. they were both single and spent hours catching up and talking. they are now currently working on getting back together and rebuilding their relationship. the reason i think it will work this time around is because they have both learned to be alone and to be with others, but their love didnt fade in the two years of no contact. she always loved him but knew this was best. she didnt spend the two years apart scheming about how to get him back. she healed and moved on. i know there were times she thought they would never speak or see each other again. she lived her life for her and fate brought them back to each other.
so yes, maybe there is hope for you, but if it would ever work out, it is a long ways away. go nc. date other guys. see where life takes you. you shouldn’t have to work so hard to force something.
exactly! and that is a lesson. i learned the hard way. every single time i spoke to my ex or saw my ex no matter what he said, if it was that he loved me and needed time or that i should move on, i felt nauseous and couldn’t eat or sleep for days before i settled. i felt like i had so many things left to say and i just kept reaching back out.
finally, my best friend who was sick of listening to me cry and complain told me i had to decide to move on, that my ex was an unhealthy addiction and he made his choice. if in the future he wants to get back together, he knows how to contact me. we left on good terms. i sent him a goodbye letter to tell him i was moving on 2 months ago and i told him it would be my last time initiating contact and it was. he texted me last week to wish me a happy birthday and we exchanged 2-3 very short texts back and forth. it is not healthy for us to be in contact and we both know that. we are on great terms and i know if i need him or he needs me, we will be there for each other in a heartbeat but i had to heal from the breakup and he needed to pursue other relationships and that was just the harsh truth and we were holding each other back by remaining in contact.
i have been actually, for the first time in the 8 months we’ve been apart, happy. of course i have down days and i miss him and want to talk to him sometimes, but i am happy and healing. i met a guy totally randomly and unexpectedly who is wonderful and treats me like a princess and i am really enjoying being with him. we are taking things slow.
do i still love my ex? absolutely and unconditionally. but when you love someone sometimes you have to let them go and be happy. my ex wasnt 100% happy with me and that was hard to admit but its true. he wouldnt have left if he was. its the same with your ex. it doesnt mean you or i did anything wrong – these things just happen. i have a very tiny ounce of hope left in me but i have pushed it back to the very back of my mind and told myself if i am not over him after the year mark of our break up i will feel him out but i know he is seeing someone now and is happy and i don’t want to interfere or disrespect his new relationship. i have amazing friends, finished my first year of my masters, have a great job this summer, and seeing a great new guy. life is pretty good 🙂 but i really did have to let him go to get here. it hurts uncontrollably but once i ripped off the bandaid i saw so much more is in store for me. if its meant to be with my ex then we will find our way back to each other – we are young. whatever is meant to be will be and will happen without scheming 🙂 we have to let the universe unfold naturally. life has a funny way of working out!
kaila,
i havent checked this forum in a few weeks so missed a lot of details but i just decided to log on and i have to tell you, there is absolutely nothing you can do. you didnt cause him to leave you the first time or the second. he left because he wanted to. saying i love you or sleeping with him or doing anything would have made zero difference. he lost feelings. it happens. in life we don’t always get second chances. theres no recipe to get an ex back. the truth is that most people don’t.your ex isn’t confused. he went back to you because it was comfortable and you were readily available. he doesnt value you. you need to move on. what youre doing by contacting him every few weeks is just banging your head against the wall. you are showing him youre weak and he will pity you – something you NEVER should want from him
cut all contact with him. remove him from social media, block his number, etc. its not your choice. he doesnt want to be with you. mourn the relationship. stay in bed all day, eat ice cream, cry to some friends. then after two weeks get up and get out and start enjoying life. a year ago at this time you weren’t even with him!!! you were a happy person before him and you will be a happy person again, but you need to allow yourself.
what you need to do is stop scheming for how to get him back. stop playing games. its dumb. promise yourself you will devote yourself to moving on (and yes, moving on is a choice)! you have to CHOOSE to do it. tell yourself you will make every effort to forget about him and focus on you and your own happiness. make a deal with yourself that you will not reach out to him for 6 months. period. if 6 months from now of virtually zero contact you still feel like you can’t let it go then by all means feel him out. but honestly, you hadn’t healed from the breakup. you wanted a quick fix. the fact that youre so desperate in this situation just shows you didnt realize you would be ok without him. please let yourself heal. this situation is toxic for you. take a step back and find happiness. no guys find a needy girl attractive. you can do it.
you need to set your mind to it. i am 100% positive that you will not get him back right now. your only shot (which not to be harsh, i think is a long shot) is to go NC and heal and move on and be happy and if you cross paths down the road then great. you can decided to do this now or you can torture yourself for a few more months before you decide to start healing but whats the point? you have to admit its over and accept it.
unimare, thanks for the update!! im so glad to hear you and your ex can be close friends. i don’t think that will ever be the case for me but im glad it worked out for you and you’ve made peace!
i believe in fate 100% and i also wont fight for someone anymore who doesnt want to fight for me. if my ex comes back one day, ill see how i am. if not i have to believe this happened because something better is out there for me – I’ve just yet to meet him yet! i do believe everything happens for a reason.
belle, i am so happy for you! that is amazing that you met someone you get along so well with. you deserve it! and youre so right – you can walk away and know you did everything you can to save the relationship and feel good about that. i also agree we are all learning and growing from this and our exes are just stubborn.
my birthday is next week. i genuinely have no idea when i will hear from my ex. the last time i saw or spoke to him was about 5 weeks ago. i sent him a long goodbye email then saw him the next day to get the rest of my stuff from his apartment. i told him i was moving on and was leaving the ball in his court to reach out down the line if he decided he wanted to be with me but i couldn’t be in contact while he was seeing someone. i know he is still with the same girl and has been for about 3 months now. when i saw him he told me he’s “exploring” and enjoying the novelty of a new relationship but is nowhere near “love”. i don’t know honestly. i have good days and bad days still. i told him i didnt want a response to my letter that i sent it for my own closure purposes but he said he had things he wanted to say. well 5 weeks later and he still hasn’t answered so not sure if i will hear from him. as i said i said everything i wanted and left it with “im leaving the ball in his court” so we will see if he reaches out on my birthday or not.
i wish i could say i was as far along as you! i can’t say i would never take him back. i feel genuinely torn. part of me really does understand his desire to not spend his entire life with one girl but part of me feels like when i meet the right guy he wont ever leave to “explore”. i don’t know what the future holds honestly. but i think youre right in that its really difficult because I’ve spent all my transformative years with him. i called his mom this week on her birthday and we had a nice chat. i don’t think this will be the last i hear form him ever but i think for the foreseeable future definitely. i will not contact him at all because i need to heal and its much easier when i have my space.
i haven’t been going on any dates! i should but my semester is winding down and im really busy with finals and papers and everything. I’ve been a little down lately just because i haven’t seen someone im interested in and now i feel more ready to get out there but i guess it will happen when its meant to. im only turning 23 next week so i guess i have time! i still miss my ex but youre right in that its just best to move on. theres no choice really and i have been.
BUT proof that exes do come back. my best friend from college broke up with her boyfriend just over 2 years ago after dating 5 years – very similar reasons to my break up in that they both wanted to see what else is out there. they had basically no contact at all for almost two years and both had longterm relationships lasting over a year. they both became single again in december and have been seeing each other and officially got back together this weekend after two years! just shows you can never predict. i don’t think she thought they would ever speak again. crazy what happens.
anyway glad to hear youre feeling good! keep us updated about the new guy from time to time!
hello! just thought i would check in and see how everyone has been doing!
i havent spoken to my ex in about a month i think? its easy not talking to him now – i don’t even want to most days! as far as i know he’s still seeing someone but I’ve blocked him on all social media and asked mutual friends not to give me any info. i actually have been feeling really good lately! i still think of my ex and miss him sometimes but its nowhere near as much as in the beginning and im definitely getting excited about dating again and getting to the point that i don’t even know whether or not i would want him back! the warm weather definitely has put me in a good mood as well 🙂 just thought id see how you’ve all been doing! everyone was right in that everything gets better in time and as much as none of us wanted to believe it, nc really is the cure…hope youre all doing well!
@LAbound, im actually really proud of you! you said you would not stand for her bs if you got back together and youre really sticking up for yourself. you saw that you can be happy by yourself and you deserve a loving relationship. i 1000% agree with you that if she even has the desire to be with someone else right now then that is a really bad sign. youre in the process of reconciling and if she has even the slightest doubt or desire outside of the relationship it will cause a lot of problems. i think you made the right choice.
its clear to me from reading your situation that you changed and grew from your breakup. she did not. im not saying it can never work with her, but im not sure she’s ready right now.i wholeheartedly believe if you can’t trust them, don’t be with them. and if she’s trying to really earn your trust, she can’t be interested in another guy. you definitely made the right judgment call here. and youre showing her you wont stand for this anymore.
im glad you slept well. you’ve gotten used to not having her in your life and know you can be ok regardless. you’ve developed a really think skin. i know you will find happiness no matter which path you choose. hang in there and keep meditating! its helped me a lot as well.
just act like yourself!no need to over analyze. don’t try to put on a show. just act happy and relaxed and catch up with him
unfortunately, i don’t really think its up for you to initiate. you don’t want to come across as needy or overbearing. i would honestly just let him initiate. forget about what he said after the breakup. things change everyday. that was my biggest problem. i kept thinking well he said “….” and it really doesnt matter because he said what he thought he wanted at the moment and things changed with time, just like they can change again.
i personally don’t really believe in playing games. i don’t use nc to manipulate my ex but he doesnt want to be with me and i don’t want to be friends so i have nothing left to say. i also am a huge over analyzer but you have to somehow stop yourself. if you have something to say to him or to talk to him about then by all means go for it but if not just let him be and let him come to you when he’s ready. he knows you want to be with him but he’s the dumper. the ball is in his court. let him come to you if he wants to.
i wouldnt get hung up on the ride. maybe he would just rather go for coffee because its a better atmosphere to sit and talk and you both clearly have things to catch up on and talk about! i would play the whole thing really casual. don’t mention the ride unless the coffee date goes well and you want to ask about hanging out again. just be yourself, be happy, and be confident. its great he contacted you and initiated hanging out first! just try not to overanalyze and go with it.
