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Last thing I’m going to say, because this is getting to be ridiculously frustrating: going to other people’s posts and begging them for more advice in this situation is not going to help. They’re going to tell you the exact same thing. LET IT GO AND START WORKING ON TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF.
I think I won’t do anything right now and I will talk to him in a week or two.
It’s really hard. I have the tickets for tomorrow at home… argh
Between. If I feel like having more peoples opinion it’s my choice. You don’t need to keep commenting here if it annoys you. Thanks for the help you gave already and good luck
I just do not see what the point in continuing to ask for advice is when we’re all going to tell you the same thing. And you clearly don’t like what we’re saying and/or are NOT listening to/taking our advice to heart, so what is the point? Seriously.
California he was my first in a couple of things as well… It does really hurt. When you love this person so much, and value him so much and you think finally, you worked hard on it for 4 months and you got your reward. I deserve every bit of it. I didn’t deserve this ending. I changed and I’m really proud. Sometimes I can feel some kind of relief. Cause I did get to try again, I did get to show him I changed and that a. relationship between us would potentially work better now as I have dealt and outgrown from previous issues.
So part of me is calm in the sense I didn’t really do anything that would break the relationship this time. I really tried and I really took his needs into consideration. It’s also a bit relieving I might not have to worry about what to do or not to do anymore. I can just move on and enjoy my life. I sometimes think he will for sure regret it. Cause I know my value. I still put him above me. I know it’s wrong. It’s just he is in a much better place in life than me. But other than that, I got strong values and I am a really loving person and our needs, values and wishes for the future go hand in hand almost.So I will keep it in my heart and just move on to have a happy life with myself for now. And who knows what still might happen
The fact you were together 4 years can play to your advantage really. That friend thing is effed up though im sorry :/ what are you planning to do about it?
I don’t know what you want? Why are you so pissed at me? This is my problem. Who says everyone will say the same thing? Not everyone said the same thing, not here and not outside of the boards. So just relax no one did anything to you
kaila,
i havent checked this forum in a few weeks so missed a lot of details but i just decided to log on and i have to tell you, there is absolutely nothing you can do. you didnt cause him to leave you the first time or the second. he left because he wanted to. saying i love you or sleeping with him or doing anything would have made zero difference. he lost feelings. it happens. in life we don’t always get second chances. theres no recipe to get an ex back. the truth is that most people don’t.your ex isn’t confused. he went back to you because it was comfortable and you were readily available. he doesnt value you. you need to move on. what youre doing by contacting him every few weeks is just banging your head against the wall. you are showing him youre weak and he will pity you – something you NEVER should want from him
cut all contact with him. remove him from social media, block his number, etc. its not your choice. he doesnt want to be with you. mourn the relationship. stay in bed all day, eat ice cream, cry to some friends. then after two weeks get up and get out and start enjoying life. a year ago at this time you weren’t even with him!!! you were a happy person before him and you will be a happy person again, but you need to allow yourself.
what you need to do is stop scheming for how to get him back. stop playing games. its dumb. promise yourself you will devote yourself to moving on (and yes, moving on is a choice)! you have to CHOOSE to do it. tell yourself you will make every effort to forget about him and focus on you and your own happiness. make a deal with yourself that you will not reach out to him for 6 months. period. if 6 months from now of virtually zero contact you still feel like you can’t let it go then by all means feel him out. but honestly, you hadn’t healed from the breakup. you wanted a quick fix. the fact that youre so desperate in this situation just shows you didnt realize you would be ok without him. please let yourself heal. this situation is toxic for you. take a step back and find happiness. no guys find a needy girl attractive. you can do it.
you need to set your mind to it. i am 100% positive that you will not get him back right now. your only shot (which not to be harsh, i think is a long shot) is to go NC and heal and move on and be happy and if you cross paths down the road then great. you can decided to do this now or you can torture yourself for a few more months before you decide to start healing but whats the point? you have to admit its over and accept it.
Hey atea 🙂 Glad to read you. How have you been?
I don’t plan on contacting him every few weeks. I just plan on giving myself a week or two, and talk with him. Clear some doubts in my mind, understand a few things. And yes probably I will have to move on. It’s not easy at all. Also unfortunately I wasn’t happy before him. And that is very bad too. It’s easier for me to think how good I was feeling the last month of the break up. I was living my life not thinking much of him anymore, and that is when we got back. Now opening all this up, thinking this was our chance and not fully having a chance to see how it could go… it just opened it all up again. The wounds.
Listen to atea1234. Nobody wants to be harsh with you. No body wants to hurt you. But you aren’t listening to a single thing anyone is even saying. Even though I don’t want to agree with between1standa, at least she is kind enough to tell you the truth. Getting more peoples opinions at this point is just going to hurt more. No one is going to tell you to hang on. No one is going to sugar coat this for you. No one is going to tell you that there is hope. You have got to at least listen to atea1234. You need to move on.. I’m sorry.
After 3 years of my relationship, and dealing with this stuff for an extra 7 months when he was my legitamite first EVERYTHING, I am willing to move on just fine. I gave myself Monday to cry it out, and now I’m happy. Of course my situation is different, but I’m not going to keep pining over someone who isn’t doing the same for me (even though my ex wants me in his future, he doesn’t right now and it is a sting). It is time to move on.
If you weren’t happy before him then you were just opening yourself up to something toxic. Trust me, I know.
Yes, I created that toxicity with him.
I don’t like comparing situations. More or less time, first, not first. Isn’t all that important. I wanted a future with him and at one point we both did. It’s serious enough for me to want it to work and at the end of the day I am the one who has to live with things, I am the one who has to see things for myself.
If I can’t ramble it all in here, then I can’t do it anywhere. These boards exist for that. To just say everything and anything and get opinions, support, etc. You might be right about it being worse for me to want more opinions. But not everyone has the opinion it’s over for good and a handful of people think he might be confused. I will take that as my only option to do something right now. If that is not the case, I won’t pressure him anyway. I will just say the rest I’ve got to say, clear my heart and mind and try to move on after that. I just ask you to support my decision or at least don’t bring anymore hurt for me at this exact moment. I will deal with things as I go
exactly! and that is a lesson. i learned the hard way. every single time i spoke to my ex or saw my ex no matter what he said, if it was that he loved me and needed time or that i should move on, i felt nauseous and couldn’t eat or sleep for days before i settled. i felt like i had so many things left to say and i just kept reaching back out.
finally, my best friend who was sick of listening to me cry and complain told me i had to decide to move on, that my ex was an unhealthy addiction and he made his choice. if in the future he wants to get back together, he knows how to contact me. we left on good terms. i sent him a goodbye letter to tell him i was moving on 2 months ago and i told him it would be my last time initiating contact and it was. he texted me last week to wish me a happy birthday and we exchanged 2-3 very short texts back and forth. it is not healthy for us to be in contact and we both know that. we are on great terms and i know if i need him or he needs me, we will be there for each other in a heartbeat but i had to heal from the breakup and he needed to pursue other relationships and that was just the harsh truth and we were holding each other back by remaining in contact.
i have been actually, for the first time in the 8 months we’ve been apart, happy. of course i have down days and i miss him and want to talk to him sometimes, but i am happy and healing. i met a guy totally randomly and unexpectedly who is wonderful and treats me like a princess and i am really enjoying being with him. we are taking things slow.
do i still love my ex? absolutely and unconditionally. but when you love someone sometimes you have to let them go and be happy. my ex wasnt 100% happy with me and that was hard to admit but its true. he wouldnt have left if he was. its the same with your ex. it doesnt mean you or i did anything wrong – these things just happen. i have a very tiny ounce of hope left in me but i have pushed it back to the very back of my mind and told myself if i am not over him after the year mark of our break up i will feel him out but i know he is seeing someone now and is happy and i don’t want to interfere or disrespect his new relationship. i have amazing friends, finished my first year of my masters, have a great job this summer, and seeing a great new guy. life is pretty good 🙂 but i really did have to let him go to get here. it hurts uncontrollably but once i ripped off the bandaid i saw so much more is in store for me. if its meant to be with my ex then we will find our way back to each other – we are young. whatever is meant to be will be and will happen without scheming 🙂 we have to let the universe unfold naturally. life has a funny way of working out!
I am happy you are like this now. I truly am 🙂
I had hopes we could get back later someday and make it work before we got back recently. Now I don’t even know if it is ever possible for us to get back in the long run. He wanted to be back someday. We already did. He didn’t feel the same…
Do you think there is also that hope for us that someday down the road we might cross paths and it can happen?
I’m not pissed at you. I feel incredibly sorry for you, for other people on this board, for myself. I hate that we’re all here hurting. But it is INCREDIBLY frustrating to see multiple people give you the same advice I gave you and to watch you continually blow us all off and then ask for more advice, only to get the exact same advice. I just don’t see the point. But whatever. You’re totally right, I don’t have to keep posting, and you’re entitled to do whatever you want. I just see you hurting yourself more and more the longer this goes on.
Kaila,
I completely agree with between1standa. It sounds like you are emotionally beating yourself up for not saying I love you and not having sex. You saying that you like him rather than telling him that you love him would make no difference in this situation. None. If a guy is truly in love with a girl, those loving feelings toward her aren’t going to change because she said “like” instead of love. It doesn’t matter if you took it as slow as possible, your ex did not want to be in a relationship with you. And that’s the bottom line. You didn’t kill anything by taking it slow. In order for a couple to make it through a reconciliation, both of them need to be on the same page and the feelings must be mutual. See that’s what you and your ex lacked. It sounds like he cared for you but not enough to fully commit and make you his girl. And his feelings obviously were not strong enough to persevere through your rocky relationship history. He’s not confused nor did he overthink things. You thinking those thoughts is your mind’s way of giving you false hope because the pain is too much to deal with. He just does not have strong enough feelings for you. There is no remedy for that situation. You just have to walk away and find another cool guy.
The people that have told you that the beginning is weird are trying to protect you from the pain of loss. Regardless of the things he has to offer, he does not want to be your man. Keep telling yourself that because it’s the reality. You do feel madly in love after you get back together but more important than that-the couple needs to be willing to persevere through anything and move forward. You guys lack this. If he were in love with you, he would have fought and devoted himself to the relationship to make up for lost time. Don’t think that just because you didn’t say I love you made your ex bail. When a guy is in love, he falls very hard and he doesn’t give up if the feelings are mutual. I wouldn’t even bother talking to him for a week or two nor several months from now. He’s not ever going to give you what you want because it’s obvious his heart isn’t in it. One of the most disturbing things that you posted was that you felt that you deserved a certain ending. Love does not work that way.
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