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Hey kaila, wanted to update you about my situation.
I guess I was right all along. I had this feeling inside that nothing might come out of it, that he just wants to be friends.
Yesterday he called me to arrange our meeting. We talked for a few minutes and then I realized that he’s not doing it because he wants me back as I thought.
The moment in our conversation when I realized it went something like this:
Him: Can I ask you something? (after asking me about tomorrow)Me: Yes.
Him: My friend from work wanted to meet up tomorrow, but I told him that I’m meeting up with you. He said it’s weird that we are still hanging out as friends, Because we may get hurt. So I wanted to know what you think about it?
Me: What do YOU think about it?
Him: I don’t mind, that’s why I’m asking you.
Me: I wouldn’t mind about what my friends think of this. I think the fact that you are bringing this up is because it is bothering YOU.
Him: I haven’t thought about it until he said it. I do want to remain friends.
Me: We don’t HAVE to remain friends if you don’t want to.
Him: (I don’t remember exactly what he said but he kept talking about it and that we might get hurt)
Then I realized that I don’t want it to keep going so I said:” I don’t want to remain friends with you, your friend is right. There is no point in doing it. I thought about it and decided that we shouldn’t stay friends.”
Him: Okay.
I can’t believe he said these things. If he was planning something again then he wouldn’t have brought it up this way. All the things he’s done lately meant nothing. He might still care for me inside, but I guess he’s still not sure about what he wants. I decided to end this friendship with him because I’ve realized it’s going no where. It’s been 4 months and I just keep hoping every-time that something might change, but in reality it won’t.
Oh Oshi :/ I’m so sorry…. So you didn’t meet up? I think you could have gone either way and just see for yourself how he is when with you.
And that’s not totally true. If he is set in being just friends then ok, but just because it’s been 4 months doesn’t mean its a lost cause. Even if he just wants to be friends, along the way things might change but of course don’t sit waiting, just go on with your life, touch base with him sometimes if you want to an let things roll naturally. So maybe yeah right now you did the right thing so that you can move on, but don’t think it would be bad to meet up later on 🙂
You’re right. It doesn’t mean that things could not change if we are friends. But I always find myself waiting for him and getting hurt again, and sometimes I feel like I can’t keep doing it anymore. I can’t truly concentrate on myself because I’m thinking about him all the time. He calls me so I start thinking that maybe he’s interested, he sends me videos and I take it as a good sign, but then I get hurt again because it wasn’t the way I expected it to be. On our last few meetings he really seemed interested, he’s confusing me with the things he does, but it doesn’t mean he wants something again, the things he does just keep me in the middle when I don’t know his true intentions. If he really wanted to get back together then I don’t think he would have said the things he’s said. It looks like he made up his mind, at least for now. Maybe in the future things might change but who knows 🙂
Hey Maya, I just read your topic. Sorry commeting about other issues on there but me and other members have been in these boards for 4 5 months and we have never seen this kind of negativity until two months ago and it’s about time the boards go back to being a place of honest opinions done kindly.
Now about your situation. I was surprised cause I can relate to it a lot. I’m an idealist. But I am also kind of in your exs situation although I’m younger. I totally understand you wanting to have a successful career and life. I once read this quote: “The person you choose to be with defines 70% (or 60) of your life”. If you think about it, its so true. I once had a boyfriend that wanted the opposite I wanted in life. He wanted to stay in his little town, didn’t care about doing new things, making a career for himself, traveling… At the time I wasn’t as selective as I am now, so ultimately I broke up cause after two years he didnt want to talk about out to take our long distance relationship into a regular distance one. After that I was single for many years and only the ex that brought me to these boards made me want to invest in someone. He had a stable job, earned good money, his career prospects were good, had companies car, was saving every month, we wanted some of the same things in life….
But there is also another thing I’ve read before. If you want a partner with certain qualities you must be like that too, cause that person will look for the same things.
You said you realized nothing of it matters. I’m divided as to agreeing or not with that. For one I don’t know myself if actually having a good paying job (for example) is at all relevant. I think not. What is important though, and that I’m 99% sure of, is that both of you want similar things. Ex: One of you really wants kids the other doesn’t at all. One of you really really wants to travel the world, the other wants a house in the country, chickens, and to live a simple life, staying in the same place everyday. – Both of these to me mean these people are incompatible. Maybe in the short term you love the other person so much you think you don’t mind losing those dreams, but in my opinion in the long run you will most likely feel unhappy and think how it could have been. It’s not about money or power. It’s about making the most of the only life we have to live. This one.
When it comes to you two however if its just about you having a stable career and him freelancing, as long as he has his stuff together and makes an almost regular salary I don’t see a problem. If you want to go other places to make a career and he wants to say in the same place then maybe you should reconsider. And maybe you went to the US and felt that because you were alone (as in no boyfriend and maybe no close friends even), so its normal. But “having someone to share it with” and being with your ex don’t have to be the same thing.
What I realized with my ex, is that I deserve someone that will love me fully, that I will love fully, that I will feel naturally good with, that will be interested in knowing everything about me, that will really appreciate me and that I reciprocate. It goes for you as well. Maybe, as you said, you placed too high expectations… But to me personally a guy in its 30s that can’t cook or take care of his clothes by himself and that spits at me isn’t someone that has fully matured yet. Although I know a lot of people do everything for theirs partners and are ok with it so I can’t comment on that. The spitting was a one time thing if I understood correctly but constantly fighting is a bad sign.
Maybe one thing dragon girl said is right is that now that he “escaped” you think you want him all of a sudden. Just something for you to consider. You didn’t go thru the grieving phase of the break up, so do the 1 2 3 month no contact, consider what you really want in life.
As for what you asked, yes its normal to just turn off the switch in 10 days. Mainly after being rejected so much and getting close to someone else.
I think if you are right for each other, in time you will get close again and might be able to try again. Right now I don’t think any of you is ready to go back. I think the both of you need to figure out what you want out of life and then see if you can work together or otherwise find someone that will. Because honey, ultimately, it’s not worth forcing things. You can’t be happy if you don’t want the same in life (important aspects of course), and it will only cause arguments or unhappiness. Settling its not something we should do in life. Find out what you want and if you two care right and can be happy together things will fall in place. If not, you need to realize the most important is that you are with someone that loves and accepts you completely for who you are, and that you love and accept completely. With no resentment, no resistance, no hard feelings for you or the other person.
So now I would say really do at least a month of no contact and see how it pans out. I’m sorry you have to go thru this and I know how you feel, trust me. I felt a lot of the same when I saw my ex with someone else. The long distance one
@Oshi it seems he is just stringing you along :/ if he doesn’t want anything but to be friends he shouldn’t be talking to you. Are you thinking about keeping contact or do no contact at all?
I think you at least shouldn’t initiate. If he wants to be friends, maybe later you can. But now what is important is that you are ok and not being dragged anymore. If I’m saying it correctly
@kaila I agree with you. He’s just stringing me along. 2 days after this conversation with him he called me again. He was in the middle of work that moment and took a short break to have this conversation with me. He apologized for the things he’s said and was curious to know why I sounded a bit sad back then. This time we had an honest talk. I told him that I still have feelings for him and if he changes his mind in the future then we can talk, but as for now I don’t think being friends is the right thing to do. He also said that I’m acting mysterious because I don’t tell him things but I told him straight forward that’s because we are not as close as we used to be. In the end of the conversation he said that I can tell him things and said that we’ll talk.
I felt like I’ve hurt his ego a bit. But at least now he knows for sure how I feel and won’t keep me in the middle anymore. Now it’s up to him to decide and that way he might figure out his true feelings and what’s important to him in his life.
@maya I’ve read some about your situation and I agree with kaila on this. I think NC is the way to go for now.You definitely hurt his ego. I think the best you can do is keep no contact and not answering to him right away and seem busy a lot. Maybe that will make him wake up. If in some time, like two weeks or a month of you being absent he keeps asking what you been up to and why are you so absent say you have been busy. Don’t say with what. I kind of feel like that “you are acting mysterious” might have been him being afraid you are seeing someone”.
I kind of feel like that “you are acting mysterious” might have been him being afraid you are seeing someone”.
Yeah he asked me that too. He said that it’s okay to tell him if I’m seeing someone and even asked me if I’m pregnant O_O I know he’s worried about me but it’s hard to say if he’s doing it because he’s jealous/afraid or because he’s just worried as a friend and that’s all. He didn’t contact me since then. I’m not going to contact him for a while and see how things go.
How are things on your side? Did you find a new job?
That is very weird…. I think its him kind of controlling you because if you were pregnant and/or needed his help you would come to him or you wouldn’t, he doesn’t have much to do with it either way… If I’m making sense… Is there any news?
I think he wants to keep having a hold of you, and feels you are slipping thru his fingers. Keep giving him that impression. If you have him on facebook or something post pics whenever you go out looking really good and answer vaguely when he talks to you :pAbout me, its complicated. Not very lucky on that department. On another note, I have the second best grade to enter faculty. Something I have been dreaming off for years, its in my hands now. But I have the issue of not having money to spend the next 6 7 months just studying with no income… What about you though? I know nothing about what you do 🙂
Yeah lol it is weird. I think it sort of felt like he’s jealous or worried that I might be seeing someone. From his behavior I could see that he didn’t want to let me go, as friends at least. Like he’s stringing/ dragging my along or putting me on the side for now but still important to him to keep in touch with me. Because usually exes are not keeping in touch for long. I posted a new picture on facebook but he’s not “liking” any of my posts anymore. I guess I have to wait a little more and see how it goes.
Wow that’s great! I’m happy for you! 🙂
I know what you mean but I think you should go for it anyway. If it’s important to you then I think you shouldn’t miss an opportunity like this. Maybe try working part-time? or even once a week would help. I’ve just finished with my exams. I’ve been taking courses at the University for a year -Computer game design and development. And recently got a new job that I’m happy with. I’ve learned that there are so much great things in life and started to appreciate the small things in life. I still have my bad days but I’m trying to do my best 🙂Yeah I find it confusing whenever exes keep contact for months… Is there any news?
Cool! I love gaming 🙂 what job was it if I may ask? I am always curious about peoples career paths and studies.
I was just really looking forward to going abroad. I will still look into all my options.And yeah you sound a lot like me. It was hard for me to see how great life is for the first few months. Never had such a though time with a break up. I’m happy you are exiting that state
He didn’t contact me since then. It’s been 10 days already. Tomorrow is his birthday, I think of just sending him a short “Happy birthday” message and that’s it. Sometimes I’m wondering if I did the right thing. Maybe if I wouldn’t have said those things to him then maybe we could still be friends and he might change his mind about us. But either way he knows how I feel and if he wants he can talk to me anytime.
Currently I’m working part time at the movie theater. I’m planning to continue studying Graphic Design at the University next year and get a degree.
I know. This are the hardest months that I’ve ever had. But in time you learn how strong you can be. I hope everything will work out for both of us! 🙂
Where are you from if I may ask?
Hey Oshi how are you? How did it go when you gave him a happy birthday? ANY NEWS?
I talked with a mutual friend the other day. Lol. She told me that as soon as she saw him after we broke up again she just looked at him like wtf and said what the hell did you do? And that she told him not to give me too much hope, and that she could see after february that he wasn’t really interested in getting back anymore. He would say like “I don’t know…” in a really… unenthusiastical way. And then said that he told her that I got crazy and histerical when he broke up with me this second time! LOOOOOOOOOOOOL OMG funniest thing I’ve been told. I turned my back on him, then called saying I wanted to talk, then when the time came (a few hours later) I said I didn’t want to talk anymore. Butthurt much? Too bad LOL who the fuck cares. And I wasn’t histerical. I was mad, yes. What the eff did he expect?! He broke up with me saying he didn’t feel the same anymore, after he said two days before that that he wanted things to work and to make the effort, but when he broke up with me he told me he realized that (that he didn’t feel the same anymore) a week before breaking up! And it was only a week and a half till my exam -.-‘ And still, he has the nerve to go around talk smack about me like I did something wrong and he didn’t. LOL.
She was like “that’s not the story he told me” when I said what and how things happened. And then proceeded to tell me these things. And she believes my version. And I love her for that, you have no idea. I’m gonna be meeting up with him still, but now I KNOW there is NO CHANCE in getting back and I’m ok with that. Of course it still hurts a bit, but now I am 100% sure he wasn’t god on earth like I thought he was.Anyway, great news! 🙂 I got a job 😀 And I’m from Port ugal what about you?
Cool, I have studied arts in highschool and wish I had gone thru that route at the time. I took artistic production. Was interesting but a bad choice for sure. Now I got into marketing and plan on studying digital marketing/business inovation/design management or something like that 🙂 Probably would do a post grad+masters 😛 I just love learning more and being a well rounded professional. That way I can do a lot more with my degree 🙂 Hoping I can have a business of my own too and that my job allows me to travel and live anywhere 🙂
And yes I hope too 🙂
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