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I don’t think you should suggest taking it slower or continuing to try but doing something differently. I think that if things are meant to work out, he will realize that in the long run and will come to this conclusion on his own. It doesn’t look desperate, persay, to suggest this but it’s not really your place to at this point. If this is what he’s saying he wants, you have to respect it.
I think NC really needs to occur for AT LEAST a month. In your case, after all this confusion, it probably needs to continue for longer. You need to keep to yourself until you’ve reached a point where you’re not dying to get him back or lonely without him. Only contact him once you feel like you can do so calmly and without a thought about getting back together.
Honestly, I think that if you told him you wanted to talk, it was kind of disrespectful to toy around with him and ask him to come to your area. You either wanted to talk or you didn’t, but that should’ve had nothing to do with whether or not he had more to say. It was either important enough for you to say what you had to say that he drive all the way back there and you be upfront with him, or it wasn’t important enough to merit contacting him. Sorry to be harsh, but this doesn’t fall somewhere in the middle. Asking him if he *wants* to talk to you is clearly a ploy to try and get him to say yes, and since he broke up with you and left it at that when he could’ve said more if he wanted to, it seems like a question that doesn’t really need to be asked.
I think you need to drop it and leave it alone for now. Go home, cry, eat a ton of ice cream, rant to us if you need, but don’t focus any more energy on him. For now, what’s done is done. That may change in the future, but it’s not going to change today.
My reply disappeared?
I didnt screw this. Only thing that might not helped is I didnt dive in for it. Or maybe I should have just make it all more fun. IDK.
Do you guys think I should talk and say maybe you are feeling like this now, maybe you are confused? I was a bit too, this is normal sometimes. Maybe we should keep going and take it slower?
Or should I just do NC for a few weeks or a month?
We talked about being together and talking today after his class. He called right after class saying he was almost arriving. I said I’m not home. He said where are you then? I said the area I was in, he said ok, tell me where I will go meet you. I said do you want to talk about something? He said kaila, you turned your back on me, said you wanted to talk now you are doing this, I don’t understand! I said do you want to talk about something? He said no kaila, i already said what I had to say! I said, ok then, nevermind. Ok? Bye kisses. He said ok bye kiss
Mind you, he was really nervous and even mad all this time answering to me
What do you think?
First, he lives 5 min by foot from me. Second I’m at a friends house 5 min away by car from our streets. Third he was in the car. And Fourth I am actually really close to his university and I thought he would call at the university and if I did decide to talk I was closer to his faculty.
Also, I can change my mind. I said I wanted to talk 4 hours ago. I can change my mind.
Me asking him if he wants to talk was a way for me to know if he had anything else to say. Cause I did turn my back on him. So if he had anything else to say, I didnt really gave him a chance, so I was giving it now. And then I said ok so nevermind. Meaning I don’t want to talk anymore. I don’t see what is wrong with that. I don’t need to think about him right now.
And I did this so that maybe he will see that I am turning my back on him for good now. And maybe that will make him reconsider. Idk. You are being harsh. Your situation is good. Its easy for you to be harsh
Guys, did I do the right thing? 🙁
Maybe he will just realize he doesn’t want to be with me? Tuesday he was saying I was beautiful that he liked me a lot, stuff like that.
Will me giving him time make everything just worse?
As I’ve told you before…
We cannot control what our exes think or what they’ll decide… and theres not a “magical recipe” to get them back or to maintain a “new relationship”. It depends on a lot of factors… and we can control only a few of them (Most of them are the ones related to ouselves)
So sooner or later we must be honest to ourselves and do what we think that is correct.
If you feel that you must speak with him… well, speak with him!!! And who knows, maybe you’ll see the consequences of that decision in minutes, weeks, months, or who knows. But if you feel that you need more NC (FOR YOURSELF), stick with it!!!
One way or another, Im sure that sooner or later you’ll have contact with him
I don’t know all these details because they weren’t explicitly addressed in your prior posts. I only made a comment about him having to drive and come back over there because he specifically complained about that. Not because I pretend to have any idea as to how far apart you guys are.
You also certainly can change your mind. That being said, since you changed your mind, I stick by what I said. I think you need to let it go for now, and skip talking to him. If it was important enough to do it, it was important enough. If it wasn’t important enough, it wasn’t. It’s one, not both.
I completely understand that you don’t need to think about him right now. Hence me saying repeatedly that it’s time to start taking care of yourself and not think about him. Since you’re already upset and thinking I’m being hostile, I’m just going to flat out say that you’re entirely focusing on him and that it needs to stop. It is pointless right now and does nothing but hurt you more. I don’t want that for you. No one else here wants that for you. YOU don’t want that for you. It’s not easy and I won’t pretend it is. But it takes effort and you do have to put that in.
I may come across as harsh, but I’m just trying to be honest and that’s how you’re interpreting it. You talk about wanting to improve yourself and about wanting to turn your back on him, initiate no contact so maybe he’ll miss you, and then you go as far as calling him, blowing him off, begging us for answers we don’t have, etc. To me, that shows that getting back with him is more important to you at this point than taking care of yourself and I will flat out say it: you will never get him back if you can’t make yourself a priority first. I’m sure you and other people on this board will hate me for saying that, but it had to be thrown out.
I also find it really weird that you lash out and tell me that my situation is so good that of course I’m going to have an easy time being harsh. No, I’m going to have an easy time telling you the truth because it’s what you deserve and what you need if you want to have any hope of getting him back. If I were in your situation, I would want someone to be this blunt with me. I also find it super funny that you say my situation is good so I’m going to be harsh, considering yours was better just recently, and you didn’t speak like this. They’re not related to each other. My boyfriend left me just like yours. I’m struggling here too and I have to deal with the fact that he isn’t here either. I’m not more privileged than you, I haven’t gotten him back, and I haven’t gotten an easy time. Yet I’ve gone out of my way to try and help you and others, while also helping myself, so I have a chance of that working out. My situation isn’t good. It’s just different. You can’t hate me for that.
I’m not hating you and i’m not lashing out. I’m being honest.
I’m doing all this to get back with him. Not for my sake.
He didn’t complain about that, he was nervous. That’s it. He didn’t ask where I was so I’m not guilty of that, he can’t be mad because I am not where he thought I would be. And he can’t be mad about me not wanting to talk after what he just did.
Then you need to fix your priorities. That’s really what it comes down to. Kevin’s whole point, and what you’ll hear from most people on this site, is that you need to be using NC time to work on bettering yourself so you can live without them, not just simply to get him back. Because the fact of the matter is, you might not. If you don’t work on living without him, what are you going to do if it doesn’t work?
He can’t be mad about you not wanting to talk, but he can be mad if you tell him you want him to talk, he drives over, then you change your mind and blow him off. True, he was a jerk this morning, but that’s also just wasting his time. He has a right to be mad as a human being who deserve decent respect, not as an ex-boyfriend who just left you.
“You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.”
Key point, right on the home page.
To sum it all up: The only way you are going to get your ex back, is by not trying to get him back at all!
I didnt blow him off -.- I didn’t disrespect him. GTG now. Be back in an hour or two. Thank you for all the support.
Oh and btw I was good without him already. Kinda. Me trying to do the best to increase my chances isnt bad.
It’s not bad at all. That’s what we’re all trying to do, so no one is judging you. It begins to be problematic when your sole focus is on wanting him back and doing anything to try and make that happen, even when there’s nothing you can possibly do and your attempts are detrimental to yourself. We all just want you to take care of yourself and work on dealing with the pain this scumbag has caused you. He doesn’t deserve more of your time and energy at this point. In the future, things could change, but not right now.
Hi Kaila,
I hate to say this but this relationship is beyond dead and you dont have a choice except to accept it. And it sounds like you are trying to revive it by any means necessary and none of the things you mentioned will bring it back to life. Sleeping with your ex wouldn’t solve anything and it will just make you feel cheap and very used. Telling him that you love him is going to make him feel very awkward and uncomfortable. The reason is because he isn’t in love anymore. His words and the way he treats you are spelling it out for you. Like Finntoga was saying, telling a guy that he is confused or that you should take it slow is not going to make him come back. I didn’t know you guys were together for only a few months. It sounds like it proceeded rapidly in the beginning and burned itself out. You guys didn’t even make it through the honeymoon period which should last at least 2 years. You will get through this..sry it didn’t work out for you.Its impossible to make a guy feel something you want them to feel. I was reading your thread about the talk you had with him about your relationship issues. I cringed at the things you were bringing up so soon after trying to get back together…
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