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I didn’t deserve to go thru this and if he was unsure he should have told me, and not tell me that we were back for good. How come two days ago he said he would make efforts for us to work, that he liked being alone but I was worth to invest in and he wanted to put the two together, be with me but still have his time if the actual problem was his lack of feelings? It doesn’t make that much sense.
Also some exes break up because they say they don’t feel the same anymore. Is that a definite deal breaker to get back? No. There is specific advice for that. So I don’t see why we can NEVER get back EVER. This is a lot to take in and I wouldn’t be surprised he got scared, confused, and he wasn’t ready to lose his “freedom” right now, as he said he doesn’t have ENOUGH feelings to get in a COMMITMENT with me
So it might be, or not be. I’m going with whatever life gives me and if life is gonna give me 10 people being harsh at me and if that is what I need right now to get strong/move on/whatever I will take it and learn and grow. But I still got to fight. I did that once and it worked to an extent. So I won’t give up 100% just yet, and he has stuff that is mine, and anyway I wont go and beg or do anything that bad.
Because that’s probably what he wanted to want. He wanted to be able to make you happy, to give you what you want, and to feel that way. And for a brief time, he probably thought he could do that. But he realized he ultimately couldn’t, so he ended it. Was it fair of him? No. He shouldn’t have acted on any feelings either way until he’d thought about them more clearly. But such is life.
No one has said it couldn’t work out in the future. What we’ve told you is it can’t work out in the NEAR future and you need to drop that idea real quick. At the very least, I’d say you need six months alone to try and work on yourself and to not talk to him. AT LEAST. Could this work out years from now? Yes, of course. Nothing is guaranteed either way. But for now, it is over. You need to move on and recognize that if you are really meant to be, it’ll work itself out in time.
You’re not going with whatever life gives you though. Or you’re at least doing it selectively. If you were going with what life gave you, you’d accept the break up, which you seem physically incapable of doing for whatever reason. Instead, you say you’re doing it by thinking life is somehow unfairly throwing you people giving you advice you don’t like. But that’s the thing about advice, you risk people not agreeing with you. You say you’ve got to fight but there is NOTHING to fight for. I don’t know where you’re getting this from, honestly. If he has some of your stuff, tell him you need it, get it, and get out so you can get on with your life.
And you know what? I deserve someone that will make me happy and love me for who I am. Someone that will help me heal these wounds, and the wounds of many many years of trouble in my life that made me insecure and all that stuff.
Being insecure I have my doubts I will ever find it. As the most amazing person I found loved me back,I ruined it, we got back and he just didnt try enough. Will I ever find that? I’m unsure.
But I do deserve someone like that. That TRULY appreciates who I am. And if it’s not him, then I don’t want him. But if in the most minor of options he is just confused/scared/whatever, I will still try something. If not I will move on. Trust me. I can do this, I’m sure 🙂
Between, honestly. Please stop. Let me be in my thread. Life is indeed throwing at me people being harsh. It might be the harsh truth, yes. I am not saying it is or isn’t. And I am not trying to offend or sound ungrateful. I am actually saying this is probably what I need right now. If I just shut up and don’t let anyone know I still got hope, it will still be here. As much as anyone wants to change my mind for MY OWN GOOD, I will have to do this for me
Hi Kaila, i have tried to read most of the postings …
I think u should see this as a challenge in your life.
For me the reality is that none of us know what life will bring. But to keep hope for this guy may result in you missing out from other great guys, probably even better guys…
You are very young. There will be other guys that will treat u like a princess and will not want to hurt u at all… I know it sounds like a fairy tale to u but you will see the difference when u actually meet this guy and u will for sure regret being upset for ur ex..
I believe you are overthinking about a lot of things and blaming urself… You are not fair to urself…
You see from this board as well that so many people go through a lot of difficult times and most of the cases there is no point in trying to put blame on urself or the other partner…
i think u should take things slowly in ur life… First of all, i would suggest to stop analysing what happened, how it could have happened etc…, just try not to think about it…u can cry and get it out of ur system but dont blame urself for things anymore…
Then try to do smtg fun at least 3 times a week… Sports works best for me… I am focused and dont think about anything at all…It will get better and by time u will not even think about contacting him…
I have faith in you 🙂 … You can do this !Ty Jasminka86 I’m not feeling all that bad right now. A friend just called me and I am surprised how strong I was telling her and I see now that I don’t think he deserves me anymore. He hurt me a lot and didn’t even think twice about breaking up with me a week before my admission exam. I’m still gonna talk with him and see how he feels. I even thought if I should follow the 5 steps and write some kind of letter just like it was a normal break up. But emotionally I am withdrawing from him already. I know he is a good match for me in a lot of things and that I love him, but I feel like maybe it’s not it.
I’ve got a severe head ache > . < argh. I will just distract myself and relax for now 😛 Thank you for your kind message
kaila,
there is always the chance. we never know what the universe will throw at us. do i believe its likely you will reconcile? personally, no. but i don’t know you or your ex and im no expert so you need to take everything i say with a grain of salt.i have a story for you. my best friend from college broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years two and a half years back. she was completely devastated. he was her first love and she was sure they would get married. he told her he met someone and wanted to pursue it and see what else was out there etc. she was shattered but loved him enough to give him his space to move on. he started dating the other girl and stayed with her for 1.5 years just breaking up with her last august due to incompatibility. my best friend stuck to nc. she was in too much pain to contact him and knew she would have to accept the break up and give him his space. she was sad but she eventually healed and met a great guy. she stayed with him for almost two years. their relationship ended because she lost feelings. she then ran into the initial ex completely randomly at a bar after not seeing each other or speaking for two years. they were both single and spent hours catching up and talking. they are now currently working on getting back together and rebuilding their relationship. the reason i think it will work this time around is because they have both learned to be alone and to be with others, but their love didnt fade in the two years of no contact. she always loved him but knew this was best. she didnt spend the two years apart scheming about how to get him back. she healed and moved on. i know there were times she thought they would never speak or see each other again. she lived her life for her and fate brought them back to each other.
so yes, maybe there is hope for you, but if it would ever work out, it is a long ways away. go nc. date other guys. see where life takes you. you shouldn’t have to work so hard to force something.
You do have to understand that comparing the whole first or last things are VERY important. When you have people that you share a first with, it is harder to let go. I was basically pointing out that my ex was my first EVERYTHING and I made the decision to let go. Yes I had a future planned with him. We got to the point where he had me looking at engagement rings, trying to get an apartment together, even him naming our unborn children! Everything was about US and OUR future. I was still able to overcome all of that and let it go. I was using my situation as support for yours saying you CAN and you WILL do this.
I’m sorry if you took it the wrong way, but I have your back. You need to understand that I will compare in order for you to see that everything will be okay.. I promise.. It is so hard.. But I swear on everything, you will do amazing!
Still he was the only person I have been really intimate in my life. And I’m 24. It’s not late for me to find someone but I was already at a point in my life where it was a good age to find that someone. I lived the single life and all that. I wasn’t ready for it and I’m definitely not ready now. If I did find someone now, that person would have to do a lot to help me heal. And it isn’t fair on anyone, and I need to heal by myself. The only person that was acceptable to go thru this with me is him.
I am accepting this is the end of the road for us for the foreseeable future. I don’t want to. I don’t want to at all. Part of me feels that all the holding on, the positive thoughts, the seeing us back together, was what lead us to get back together. I still feel all this is way too messy but it’s something I will see clarified at some point to some extent at least.
I am getting more and more rational. I got out of bed. I was forced to kinda. I went and sold my tickets for today. I’m trying not to think of it as this was something I was looking forward to do with him even before we got back. And we did get back just in time to really go together. Or so I thought. And now, a few days before boom. We were having dinner at a nice restaurant, going to this concert…sleeping together and making love for the first time since being together again… It is really painful. But I also think that it’s a manageable pain, whereas the first time, it wasn’t.
I want to ask everyone that comments on here not to be harsh at me anymore cause 1 I don’t need it anymore right now. And 2 I want this to be a comfortable place for me to come, rant, get some positive vibes and thoughts to help me thru this. I don’t need to be broken to more pieces. Thank you.
@kaila I completely understand and support you! I believe that the people here were just trying to help and maybe they sounded a bit harsh by telling you the truth. However I understand how you feel, sometimes you just have this feeling in your heart that keeps telling you that there’s still hope. I know this myself because I felt what it’s like when everyone is telling you that there isn’t much hope anymore and you should move on, but you still have this feeling inside that somehow everything will turn out fine and that you shouldn’t give up just yet. I’ve came to realize that they might not always be right, but they are telling you this to make this hard time easier for you, and then in the worst case you can move on faster and not hanging onto something that might never happen again. I think there’s a chance you might get back together in the future. but right now he doesn’t worth your energy and time anymore. When you’ll stop thinking about getting him back then you’ll see that somehow you’ll start feeling better about yourself. I support you no matter what! Stay strong and everything will turn out fine!
Kaila, I am addressing the post where you talk about a couple that breaks up due to a change of feelings..and whether that is a definite dealbreaker. The answer is yes its a brutal dealbreaker. The reason is because 9 times out of 10, one person will have stronger feelings while the other prefers to exit the relationship and date others. Both are miserable because neither gets what they want. They can try to rekindle it if both of them want the relationship to work. Otherwise its a huge waste of time trying to remain in a relationship where feelings werent strong enough. Your ex recognized this fact so he let you go which you should be grateful for.
The harshness was just a small paragraph in what I said. It doesn’t really have much to do with my case or my journey.
I still think the same thing. The only difference is I’m more accepting of the situation as is, I’m letting go in a way. I do feel lighter. I feel like I really need to love myself, treat myself. I have done really good 🙂 All I did was with love and care for him. I didn’t deserve this at the end. But it’s life. He was a jerk to me and definitely doesn’t deserve my time or energy right now. And I can just relax knowing I have nothing else to prove. I proved I loved him and would fight for him and that I changed and was gonna do everything to not bring the same problems to the relationship again.
I’m happy that I can just be me now without worrying about this anymoreI didn’t say “difference of feelings”. I said your ex saying he doesn’t feel the same anymore. It’s two different things. It can be the same thing, or don’t. As you might be aware, what your ex says and what is the truth isn’t always the same. I am already ahead of this so I don’t want to keep bringing it up
I never said difference of feelings either. When an ex says he doesn’t feel the same anymore,its the same outcome. Next time you attempt reconciliation with an ex and you don’t want it to fail horribly, you shouldnt be so quick to talk about the issues. This will only remind the guy of all the things he doesn’t like about the relationship and the problems it has. You have to wait until the foundation is stronger otherwise it is bound to crumble and fail.
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