-
Posts
-
Quick summary: Together for just under 9 yrs. She left, immediately slept with someone else. Came back to me, but ultimately it didn’t work out because it was too much bs for the both of us. Nine months went by, and during the 9 months I attempted no contact multiple times. Only went for two weeks each NC period, and when my ex went for a serious relationship with someone else, I decided enough was enough and moved on at the 7 month mark of the breakup. I ignored her for a little over two months. I was able to keep tabs on her from time to time, and I could see that her new relationship wasn’t healthy or going to last. However, I made up my mind to love myself more and to get my life on track; to find myself and be happy above all else.
So yeah…
She had started contacting me a lot, even though I ignored her, and eventually contacted my sister. She definitely seemed desperate to speak with me. I contacted her through text and asked her to please stop contacting my sister because my sister is not in the best emotional state and has her own problems. She asked me to call, and I did.
The conversation went on for about four hours. We just caught up on everything, and she kept saying how sorry she was for what had happened. idk. It was the first time since the breakup that I felt she was genuine. She said she noticed change in me, and she said she had changed. I doubted her openly because she had just broken up with her new ex when she reached out to me. It just seemed like she was desperate to have someone around. She told me that it wasn’t like that, and that she wanted to talk to me about getting back together while she was with the last guy..but she felt bad breaking it off because the last guy had problems.
I ended up moving back to the same city as my ex. We’re getting along pretty well, but I told her I do not want to get back with her until we talk to a therapist. She has made several attempts to have sex with me, and she mentions a future with me a lot. I told her that I am not in love, but I do love her dearly. Sometimes I feel it, but the most of the time.. I feel like there is someone out there that deserves a good person like me. I don’t feel like I was worth much to her, and it trips me out that she all of a sudden wants a future and love with me again. Which is why we need to see a therapist. General fear, I suppose.
We talk openly about our feelings. We made communication rules. Which really, all we do is make sure we say when something is bothering us so resentment or anger doesn’t build, we are open about everything, and if things feel like they may escalate, we let emotions settle first so that a potentially intimate situation turns into an all out fight.
Our days have been fun. We think of new places to go, and we support each other more in our individual endeavors. Mine is school, mainly, right now.. and she is on a sports team.
She has a hard time with me being busy with school. She has graduated, and has free time every day to do whatever she wants. When I can’t partake in the nice weather or go out for a dinner etc.. she doesn’t like it. I just remind her that it will all pay off in the end, but I have to worry about me and my schooling. I can’t be consumed with how she feels about things all the time. Part of the problem in the old relationship was that I put her feelings and wants in front of my own.. and she thrived as I died. I refuse to let that happen this time around.
We actually had an verbal bout about things the other day. She made the comment that I am not happy, and I don’t have friends and I’m lonely because my family isn’t here. It really frustrated me because I feel like she was stuck on the old me. So I just said the following: “I don’t feel like you see the new me. You said you did, but you just stated something which shows me you see me the same way as you did before. These were comments you made before. I just moved back. I am getting settled in, I have school work and the work load is crazy, I am just starting to work..and I don’t have any friends because the ones that were just mine, moved..and the rest were your friends. But I am happy. I am completely content with myself. I could spend a month locked in the closet without anyone or anything but myself and be completely happy because I am happy and confident with myself. I know who I am, and where I am going. I want friends, I want to go out and do fun things, etc.. but first things first. I have to get school work finished before I go out. I am starting work, and that’s a top priority for me. And soon, I will be able to get involved with things and start making my own friends. Do not tell me what I am or how I feel. I will let you know. Just because I haven’t done much doesn’t mean I am not happy. Just because I don’t have family or friends here doesn’t mean I’m lonely or sad. I’m fine. . . I’m happy with myself and where I am going.”
She reassured me she sees the new me, but that she just wants the happiest me possible and will try to understand that people are different and she won’t assume I am anything but happy and doing well. She is the type that has to have friends and things to do all the time, and she is always in touch with her family. On top of that, she loves going out on weekends. I love going out too, and I also love having friends.. but damn.. give a person some time! I just got here!
Besides all of that.. things are going well. We’re taking it a day at a time. Becoming familiar with each other, somewhat friends, and going with the flow.
I can have her back if I want, but I can’t make it official until I am sure it’s what I really want. A therapist will help with that.
She’s more understanding than I thought she was going to be.
It’s somewhat of a success story. lol It’s way better than it was, and I am happy to say that I have a person I really care for and love back in my life. I am also extremely happy that I am a much stronger, clear-eyed individual that knows exactly what I want out of life and where I am going. No lost soul here! That’s the real success story, really.
Sorry if this is long and the grammar is horrible. lol I hope all of you are well. Feel free to ask me any questions or to clarify something.
Much love.
I need some advice. My ex and I didn’t have a long affair but a beautiful one. He was the most amazing guy I met. And he told me he had never felt this way about anyone in his entire life and wanted to marry me someday. We were best friends, and soulmates and passionate lovers. Suddenly his workload increased, I guess but more than anything, his interest in me took a down curve. I cared the same way, and needed some support and affection in the period I lost my job and he felt i was needy and clingy i felt terrible because he never seemed to be emotionally available for me,rarely tested or called and never seemed to want hang out. after a lot of fights, we are in an on and off stage. he confesses he loves me and cannot cut off ties with me, and must at least be my friend, and i told him that wouldnt be possible. i love him too much to be friends. ever since things have been turbulant. when i love him he is nonchalant and wen i try to drift, he does stupid boyish things to get me to talk. lately i decided i was done with this. our fights have always been about him never having time for me but having time for all else. after our last fight yesterday, i have started no contact with him. i dont take his calls or reply to his messages. being highly egoistic he doesnt do either much. today he tried talking to me in an event where we both were present, thrice. i politely reminded him of his word yesterday and told him i didnt want to speak to him. this has pissed him off. am i doing the right thing?
@LAbound, i was wondering when i would hear an update from you!! im glad to hear things are going well and the ball is now in your court for how to proceed with your ex. i can understand your hesitation – im sure after 9 years you still love her and a part of you has wanted to reconcile for a long time, but i can imagine its hard to get beyond the pain she caused over the 9 months. more importantly, im glad you moved on and are happy with yourself and with other things in your life. i think in time you will know what works best for you.
are you thinking of reconciling? when do you think you will make a decision?
im really very happy for you! I’ve taken a lot of your advice to heart and i also right now (at the 6 month mark) feel focused on me and whys best and less obsessive over my situation. whatever you decide, i know you will be happy!
@LAbound I am happy for you. It’s so great to see these stories once or twice a week. It really gives us hope 🙂
If you can check my thread. If atea says you give good advice, I would like to have some other viewpoint from a male with good advice like you https://ebpforums.com/boards/topic/he-says-he-would-like-to-get-back-but/
@LAbound: i remember your posts from before and i think its great she wants you back ! and even better that you are happy and confident with yourself! and that you decided to take time and see how it will continue and about your feelings and for the therapist it’s also a good idea. and the fact you put yourself and needs and work first. By the way, i hope she really sees changes in you, and that you see changes in her and then decide upon your feelings. best thing to take it slow, as you did. good luck and keep us updated 🙂
I am very happy for you @LAbound.You were patient and gave lot of advice,wish you most and more…
I am on 62 days of NC and my g/f has only contacted me only once to get her resume that’s it and checked how I am doing.
Not sure how things will be at my end but I am so happy to hear your story.Good to hear from you. I have been off the site here for a while but a nice Story to come back to.
It was inevitable really that you 2 would reach this Point. The fear is tough alright. Fear of failure or fear of doing the wrong Thing. It is tough.Tell me, are you living with her again in that City? Or do you have your own place? I would imagine having your own place would be perhaps a better plan at the start, albeit more difficult.
Well done and good luck to you both. You deserve it.
Gemi,
I think you should definitely stick to No Contact. It’s really hard, but you can do it.
I guess I should ask, how long were you two together? How long did you date before you were officially “together”?
Some people, depending on their personality type, can’t handle too much added pressure outside of their own personal struggle. If he was having stress from work, and then you added to that when you lost your job.. it is understandable that problems between the both of you would arise. Being a solid person, able to stand on your own two feet and help with the weight of stress is important for the both of you. Seems like that was really unbalanced. Also, it seems like you understand this. That’s a good thing.
He is emotionally immature. It’s up to you to take the reigns and force him to grow up just enough to see that his behavior is not only immature, but unacceptable. Your love matters, and you should show him that you refuse to waste it on someone who acts indifferent when you are willing to give it. After he gets the much needed clue, you two can eventually work on maturing together. I’m sure you’re not completely innocent. none of us are! lol Breakups and love are straight up messy and can bring out the worst in people. But it can bring out the best in people too. To me, breakups are a blessing. They uncover the beautiful and the ugly.
With that, I have to say your man acts from the ego. This isn’t a good sign. My ex acts from her ego as well. She turns into a child (or did anyway) when her ego was bruised. If you love him, let him go. It sounds crazy, but letting go can be the saving of something that, in your case, seemed really special and passionate. Letting him go will force him to open his eyes if he really loves you.
At this point, if you keep giving in to him.. you will become a bigger doormat. Never let anyone make your love seem worthless. NEVER! You deserve real, beautiful, passionate love.. and if he can’t man up and give it to you.. you will find it with someone else.
One of the heartaches I get when I read certain stories on here, usually come from the people that don’t realize their worth. Know yours! I know what you had was real. You’re hopeful of a future where you can once again be wrapped up in his arms and feel the burning passion that was there before. But you have to understand that love and sex can act as a drug. It is a drug, to be honest. There is a chemical reaction that happens with females when they have sex with a guy. The reaction makes them feel a strong emotional attachment. Going for no contact will help you break this addiction and approach the situation with a clear mind and heart. It will also give him time to wake the fuck up.
I hope this helps. Maybe it’s not exactly what you’re looking for. I’ll be around to answer any more questions as often as possible. Stick to NC! No matter what.
@atea
Thanks for all the positive words! Most days, I think, “Wow.. this can be something amazing.” And other days, I think, “Why should I? She did some really messed up things, and I know now that I don’t need her. But I do love her.” lol I will make my decision after we have visited with a therapist to work out some forgiveness issues I have right now.
I do not take out any aggression on my ex. I make sure I approach any concerns in an intimate way. For example, we lay together in each others arms and talk about things calmly. Never blaming or getting upset. It’s a great way to communicate and makes her want to be understanding, and it helps me see that she has matured over the past year.
Happy sixth month mark! lol Are you still in contact with your ex, or sticking with NC? I’ve been away for a bit, sorry. =P
I’m glad if my advice has been helpful to you. And I know that you’ll end up being happy no matter what. You seem like such a great woman. Any man would be lucky to have such a person!
I’ll be around as often as possible to respond to you. 🙂 hope your day is a great one!
Tami,
Thank you for all the great, positive words! 🙂
Kalicooldude,
In a lot of cases, mind I don’t know your story, time and space is what is needed. She cared enough to see how you were. Just continue to make positive changes in your life and stay strong!
Patrick,
I live with my ex. She has a spare space, and she has agreed not to pressure me too much about a relationship. The first night I came to stay with her, it was so awkward. lol I just played it cool and calm. She wouldn’t stop staring at me, and so I asked, “what are you staring at?” She’s like, “I want to ask for a hug but I’m afraid you’ll say no.” lol It was oddly nice to see her so vulnerable to me. It’s being going great, and she respects my need for space and all that good stuff. We’re having a lot of fun together. Thanks for the positive words.
@LAbound, always good to hear from you!! what you described about how youre feeling is exactly how i feel although i don’t really have a choice right now since my ex doesnt want to reconcile. but a lot of days i feel like im still so in love with him and think about what a powerful and strong relationship we can have in the future if we both take this time apart to really work on ourselves and confirm were better together than with other people. but then other days i feel like i deserve to be with someone who would never break up with me and who wouldnt put me through this hurt and want to date other girls and want to be without me for a significant period of time. im torn right now on if i even want him to come back. i can’t imagine never being with him again but also can’t see how i would ever forgive him. lots of decisions to be made. i believe if its meant to be, it will be. you will find the right decision for you.
im glad youre not taking any aggression out on your ex. if you want to start over and build a new relationship then it really needs to be from scratch without getting angry and dwelling over whats happened. arguing about the past wont accomplish anything. im glad you communicate openly and your decision now is if you love her enough to forgive and if youre capable of that forgiveness. its really tough.
the 6th month mark is actually better than i thought! i would say things really started to pick up for me about 6 weeks ago. i turned a corner and feel good. i definitely still have bad days and sad moments and love and miss him but im focusing on me and im doing really well. i have a great time spending time with my girlfriends, had a fun fling, am kicking ass in all my classes, and find myself happy overall and not obsessive over what he’s thinking and what he wants. we are no longer in contact. we haven’t spoken in just over 6 weeks minus one slip up. this past weekend i had a bit too much to drink and texted him that i missed him. he responded 24 hours later apologizing for not answering the night before but told me he didnt know what to say and was shocked to hear from me and he hoped i was doing well. i replied apologizing and explaining i was drunk and he told me not to apologize and to please reach out whenever. i sent him a really long heartfelt text about how its really sad how awkward and cold things are between us right now and that I’ve accepted the reality of the situation and he was right that things were for the best and i didnt see it until i took a step back and that im not really sure what i want for the future but he will always have a place in my heart regardless of the outcome and i hope we can catch up soon. he didnt respond so the next day i told him to disregard and its just easier when we don’t talk. he responded right away apologizing for not answering sooner and told me he just felt really sad reading my text and understanding the reality that we are kind of like strangers now. he apologized again and told me he was glad i was finding peace with the situation and hopefully we can get together soon. i texted back and said the reality of the situation is really sad but it is what it is right now and who knows what will happen in the coming months. he basically just said yeah thats true lets get together over the next few weeks and catch up. he seemed kind of cold and distant in his responses to me. im not sure if its hard for him or what but i thought it was weird. i feel ok regardless. i know i am fine no matter what happens. i didnt go nc to manipulate him or make him think anything differently – just for my own sanity. i feel much better not talking to him surprisingly. it was too hard and it kept reopening the wound for me. i have a birthday coming in 6 weeks and i know he will reach out then so i guess i will see how his tone is and if he wants to hang out.
your advice really was so great! i didnt see it at the beginning but i think you said you turned the corner around the 5 month mark and thats what happened to me. i will always love my ex but i love myself more and the key is to focusing on me and my own happiness. if he comes back then great. if not i know in time there will be something else great in store for me. thanks for the kind words! i try to be mature and understanding always. i am and will be fine no matter what the future brings.
i really hope youre doing well and are so happy! please feel free to comment and advise and come back and read updates whenever you get the chance!
Dear LaBound,
Hope you are doing well ! you seem to be a very confident person 🙂 I wonder if I can ever be that way ! I would like to. My ex and i are both 24, and I guess somehow immature. your advice helped me a lot. i was really depressed when i last commented. now i am better. happier. in the last few days, i have been trying to keep myself busy and happy. meanwhile in 3 days of not talking my ex came to meet me at 2 in the night and said he cannot stay without me, i ended up crying and punching him like a stupid 3 year old. he was laughing and trying to contain me all at once. wen we were both relaxed, i asked for some time. to be honest, i am not sure i can trust him anymore. you can love a person like anything, yet a broken trust is so hard to mend. i am taking that time out.last 2-3 days, he has been trying too. we both falter a lot. we both fail. we both are a lot impatient. but i guess he is starting to try to make time, and i am trying to be less aggressive in approaching the issue. lets see how it turns up. if it works out, i will be a lucky girl. if not, i will be very sad but in time learn to be happy again. your story is an inspiration 🙂 thanks !
@LaBound can you help me out?
@LaBond: youre welcome. By the way after reading your post to atea. About forgivness and this. I believe that if you want to forgive someone for something in the past, it is best if you forgive her for yourself. Why? Because YOU DESERVE PEACE WITHIN YOU and by forgiving others you get to have peace in yourself.The bad memories in past make you only anxious and scared in my oppinion. There is a saying: “Fear prevents life, not death” if you know what I mean. and if you do see her changes and that she has matured over this year my oppinion is you could give it a try with her especially if you love her (love wins over everything)and if she agrees to see a therapist and when you will you will really be able to believe her that she is willing to try hard to get you back. I really wish you all the best.
By the way me and my ex have been friends now for a month and last two/three weeks we have been friends with benefits. I understand this could be a mistake,but tbh I see changes in his attitude and all. We also lay in bed and talk calmly. and god we have so much fun together seriously. Now again we hang out every day and even when me or him is in bad mood we make each others day better, while before we just made each other more annoyed and stressed. At start we didnt hug or lay together and cuddle a bit, but now he always is puting his hands on my head and plays with my hair and this cute stuff =) he even slept over this weekend two nights. and when he comes to my place he comes for coffee and talk, its not like we get to do it every time he comes. He started to text me first also. And also he sees how ive changed and improved for the better and he is telling me how cute this is and how funny i do that, and how i blabla… my ex is a very hard characther to understand and coope with…+ he doesnt like people. like litterally dislikes people and believes noone can be trusted , you cant even trust urself completly.. but he did say few days ago that he thinks i actually am able to be trusted, tho not completly but way more than others… Idk, i want to be together with him again and kiss and hug him when i feel like, as before and tell him i love him. But I know if i will mention anything he will just… slip away, so idk i think it is best if i stay like me and day by day show him the improvements i made in last months and hope for him to fall in love with me again and that he asks first for trying again. Do you maybe have any advice for me please?
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.