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Ok so a bit of back story.
We were boyfriend and girlfriend for 5 months. I know he really loved me and he went through a lot and made a lot of efforts to please me and all. I for many reasons (insecurity, being single for 3 years) didn’t deal with things right, like being a bit controlling and wanting too much time with him. Before me he was in a relationship for 8 or so years, and was alone for a short period and we started dating.
He broke up with me at the end of last year. We spoke 2 days later. I already knew I couldn’t beg or it would push him away. He said he wasn’t feeling well about himself, that he needed time for himself. When we were still dating he told me he wanted a relaxed relationship. We didn’t have that. I told him that I understood now what I was doing. That I was being selfish and insecure. I was putting my stupid little things first. And that there are things I need help with so I was going to go to a psychologist. He said that it was great but that I couldn’t change in 2 days. He didn’t want to give some time, but we could remain friends and see what happens.
We saw each other 15 days later, he had some stuff to give me and we spoke about what was going on but not about the relationship. A week later I texted and he said he had a thing I needed and I took the oportunity to arrange a meeting with him. It went really well. He was really caring and all. When he brought me home we hugged and I asked how he felt about everything. He said he was ok but missed me. That he had hopes we could work it out. He also said he know he should text more often. I hugged him a lot and was super happy. I said that when we get back it will be different. And to take it slow.
I don’t know if I scared him, or the fact that I didn’t contact him for two weeks (even on valentines day) pushed him away or what happened (he didn’t contact me but was liking my stuff on facebook). But two days after valentines day I texted. He answered and then went out and was busy and didn’t answer. Because I was so anxious to know what was happening and if he changed his mind I called and he said he had been busy. I talked about we meeting on the weekend he said that it was a good idea and we could go for a motorcicle ride. We talked a bit almost everyday that week, nothing special. And then on saturday we ended up going to the movies.
He was much colder to me. I was so nervous, at the end of the movie he gave me a bit of a hug and didn’t let go for a bit. I said I wanted things to work out. He said he wanted too. We started talking about a lot of stuff about what we think of everything and how he feels. He said he would like to get back but he is affraid things will go back to what they were and he will feel bad again. That he misses me but he feels good right now and doens’t feel ready and doesnt know if he will ever, or in weeks, or months. I could tell that he was nervous in a good way about stuff, that it still was hard for him and that he has been thinking about things.Before leaving I asked if he still wanted to do that ride next weekend and if we should keep in touch. He said yes we could do that, that next weekend he would be busy, but he would message me in a few days. He didnt do it. But I did text him at the end of last week because it was his birthday monday and I had something to give him. I made him a custom shirt btw. On monday I called and he was telling me about problems he has been having at home and it was a nice talk. I also joked about he not texting like he said he would and he joked too and said he would text this time. He did and We met yesterday for a drink. I decided not to talk about the relationship. In the beggining he was cold like last time. Then with time we got more comfortable and were having a nice talk. It was really hard for me I just wanted to grab him but controlled myself. I gave him the gift he loved it. Payed for my drink when I went to the bathroom. Took me home. I said we should go for a ride and he said yeah the weather is gonna be good. I even said we could go in the morning so he didn’t have to use the whole day and he said it was fine no problem. We got to my house and just said bye like normal no hug or at least I don’t think he tried.
So… I don’t know really. I am affraid he is seeing someone because he didn’t tell me what he was doing over the weekend and he normally does. He didn’t go for a ride. Our mutual friends don’t know anything…
Thoughts please?
Ok well I think if the reason he ended it was because of the things you did…too controlling, insecurities etc then I think you need to show him that you can be something other than. Once he sees you’ve changed then will he start to think yeh I think this can work. At the moment he sounds like he’s waiting to see the results of what you claim to be addressing with a psychologist. I noticed the contact has come mostly from you…maybe you need to step back a bit…play it a bit aloof. Also the dig about him not messaging back… Yeh it sucks but I wouldn’t dig in a jokey way…sounds like the controlling you coming back….just let it go. have you guys had the no contact period? Are you guys at the friendship stage after NC?
we never did no contact for one month. the most we went without talking was two weeks. at first he was the one initiating. but mostly me yes. since it has been two months since we broke up I don’t know if I should do one entire month of no contact but I am thinking about letting time go. it’s so hard. the reason I have been single for 3 years is I wanted to and no one ever made me want something serious. just him. he has amazing qualities. im so affraid of letting that go and just wait..
I did say I changed and all but he can only see that if we try. What do we have to lose? Just try and if it doesn’t work it doesn’t work. I want to know too. I am not certain…
Most of all I sweated the small stuff a lot. It weren’t biiig issues all the time. And those two weeks were in between the meet up we had where he was very nice to me and sweet, and the time we went to the movies and he was cold. For those two weeks he was liking my stuff on facebook and after that he hasn’t liked anything
Yeh I understand that he will have to give it a go to know you’ve changed…but think about it from his point of view…don’t forget this will hurt for him too. So before giving it another go with the possibility of getting hurt again…he’s going to want to know you’ve definitely changed somethings for the good. Otherwise he just won’t even go there! Id just take a step back…he hasn’t really experienced life without you because youve never had the no contact. Maybe you should just say that you understand why he ended it, it’s not what you want but you need to know whether he’s going to give it a go or not because you’re dragging it out. Maybe give him some time to think about it it have a chat about it together. He’s either willing to fight or not? For your own sanity I thing he needs to say yes or no. If no you need to move on! If he’s unsure a chat about what he is unsure about might be a good idea.
I do understand why he ended and I don’t think it was right for him to do it that way, but it could actually be the best thing for us if we tried again. if we don’t try again we will really never know what could happen. I know most people say this. But we were together for 5 months. We were still learning and adapting. In a relationship many years ago I was super jealous and possessive. It ruined my relationship. I learned and promised to never do it again. And I never did. Unfortunately I made the mistakes of not trusting fully, being insecure, not commiting emotionally 100% to the relationship and to put it first instead of my little stupid issues that were all in my head. And those are things I can totally change.
I am going to give it time. Live my life. Trying to do the same I did the first month. Focusing on my self, being spiritual, meditate and hope for the best. I went to an interview today and yesterday I told him I was going and he was really happy and encouraging. That is another thing. He has a really safe and good job and I am kind of lost, frozen in time, really late in life. But really. So it was good for him to see that I am looking and going forward 🙂 So I am going to live my life keep some contact and stuff maybe and see what happens.
I was actually gonna give him a birthday card yesterday. I wrote about wanting things to be ok between us and remain friends. I said I was sad to know he remembers the bad more than the good and wrote some things we did together that we loved and how I would never waste an opportunity and that I hope he feels ready someday stuff like that. But things were not bad and not amazing yesterday so I thought maybe I shouldn’t put any more pressure and just let it be so I didn’t give him the card. But I could just say I forgot. Do you think I should give it?
Keep the card positive! Birthdays are happy times and if you’re upbeat and positive in the card it will make him smile. You’ll make him smile-this is what you want. I wouldn’t put anything in it about your relationship etc. just wish him a great day and hope he gets everything he wishes for. Something positive.
Yeh I think you’re right. Don’t focus so much on him and focus on you do some new things maybe? Something you can then tell him about! You sound very much like me and my relationship. I was with my ex for 6 months-best connection I’ve had in well ever! I think my insecurities kinda encouraged an argument and he ended it saying we aren’t on the same page. I tend to always see the negative in things. So I ruined it! I feel there’s no going back for me but you guys seem good -I mean you chat regularly and do things together. How did you manage to get him to meet you after the break up? I feel I need to see my ex face to face so I can chat to him but don’t know how to intimate something without him thinking its a date or something? Or a ploy to talk about us? I think If we saw each other it would stir some feelings again but I don’t know how to get to that? Do you have any advice? How did you do it if you don’t mind me asking?
My dear, I don’t mind at all! You are being so cool and supportive. I wish I was as strong as you. Maybe we could exchange some form of contact? Email, skype… I am all for talking here but if we are in kind of the same situation maybe we could support each other more regularly that way.
But well first of all, I understood why he was doing it and I did beg him not to break up for the only 15 minutes he was with me after doing so. Then I never did it again. We talked after two days as I said and I was calm, clear headed, nice, trying to keep things light. I understood him so he didn’t have to push me away or be resistant. We even hold hands and hugged. We broke up nicely. I actually wrote him a letter before our meet up saying everything I wanted him to know in case he never wanted to see me again. I told him how much I valued him and the great things I see in him. How I was so wrong in dealing with the relationship. I wished him well and that he kept being the great person he is. And told him I have been loving him the whole time although I never said it. It was a good letter from the heart and still I was being rational and positive. Two days later he texted me thanking me for the letter saying it was hard to read but he appreciated it.
Well I think that was a good way for us to end in a good manner if we didn’t I am sure I would have pushed him away. He also said he could remain friends and see what happens but that we need this time now. We both got to that conclusion in the end. So that is the main reason why we are talking still. I am really affraid of the idea it might change :/
I can tell you everything but maybe if you told me in more detail about your situation I could tell you what I did that might work for you. I have been reading a lot as well so maybe I know of something you could do. But from the little you said, either try to be friends by inviting him to hang out with common friends (if you did that before). Or if you would just like closure try to arrange a meet up and if he doesnt respondm say you are disappointed in him. These are just ideas for now, they need more thought and planning though. I can help you as much as I am capable 🙂
And by the way. the first two times we were together to give each other stuff. Actually something that hurts thinking about is, after the first time we saw each other he said “text me so that I remember to search for the phone I have to borrow you”. I didn’t text him for a week. When I did, I was really positive, had just got my gym membership, and actually my first message that day was to ask him about a restaurant we went. So you know, I wasnt texting randomly. I had a reason why other than our relationship. And then started talking about the gym. Right away he said he found that phone so he could give it to me. I took the opportunity to ask him out the next weekend because I saw he was really eager to see me. After that I never made any excuse anymore. I just texted, asked him out. Maybe that’s when it started going wrong… Now that I am thinking bout it.. But I can only think how to make it go right again from now on
Honestly I think he really does like me a lot. And he broke up so the decision is on his shoulders. That is not always easy either. And I need to show him that he needs to wake up and give it a try. Someway. Somehow
See I often wondered whether I shouldd write a letter….but I never know whether it’s a good idea-some people think it’s nice but other people say it would creep them out? So I don’t really know? Your ex seemed like he didnt find it creepy though if he texted to say thank you? I just don’t know what’s for the best? I only knew him for 6 months and things progressed so fast it was like a whirlwind and then before I know he’s ended it. He ignored me for a very long time though while I was trying to work out whether he had ended it or not? Which hurt so bad. How can you ignore someone you love? We met in October and right before xmas he told me he loved me. He seemed smitten with me. I just don’t know what happened? I feel there’s more to it than meets the eye because the argument was so silly!!
Your ex seems to still care though…he’s very involved with you still hanging out and meeting you etc. it’s been a month since I’ve split and we have had a couple text conversations and that it. I didn’t even wish him happy birthday when it was his birthday in feb. He’s contantly in my thoughts and if I thought the argument was big enough to end it over I would give up but I feel it’s not enough to throw it all away! I feel I need to prove to him we were on the same page and he’s taken one little argument as “we aren’t on the same page” it’s like that overrides all the good!! Grrrr
I don’t have Skype but email sounds good? Are you happy to post here your name address though?
Oh, there is no way to delete or message members… I see… I don’t know then… if you have any idea let me know.
Now… did he ever say something about you not wishing him a happy birthday? I guess he didn’t really want to remain friends either right? That seems so odd… is he a nice guy at all? Or is he just one of those guys that says he loves you and doesn’t really feels it?
What do you think he means about same page? Maybe you wanted a commitment and he didn’t^?
No he didn’t mention it. I asked him afterwards after 3 weeks of no contact whether he had a nice birthday and he chatted about it. He’s not one to go all out on his birthday-he doesn’t like the fuss. Well I misunderstood what he was saying in an argument. So I think that’s what he means because we obviously misunderstood each other. He was an amazing person. He bought me an expensive watch for xmas I’m talking £200 range watch and we had only been dating since October. He bought me a rather expensive necklace too. We had texted everyday all day since the day we met. He used to say things like “I blow him away” and “can I keep you forever”, the week before we split he wanted to get me a key to his flat. It just seems so rash to end it all over a misunderstanding via text. We were totally smitten. we’ve had 2 text convos in two weeks and he says things like “remember I’ll always be here for you” I don’t get this??? Is that just a phoney line or something? I’m at the point now where talking to him hurts because I miss him so I don’t know if I can keep this up to get him back! Don’t you find it hard seeing your ex all the time-does it not get disheartening when you’ve just had a really good day together? He responds to my texts and is chatty and helpful but I don’t know how to ask him to meet without it sounding too forced!
Hum… ok so you do talk. That is a good thing. Can’t you think of anything like, did you guys hang out with mutual friends? Do you have something that is his? Did he told you he would help you with something or give you or borrow you something before you guys broke up? Is there somewhere you can accidentally meet?
It does hurt a lot now! More and more each time. Before I didn’t expect a thing. Now after him saying he wants it to work out and because we didn’t keep up with each other nor got closer, everytime i’m with him im searching for signs, I am more nervous, and I think “is it today I will get to kiss him?”. Yesterday I got home and just cried. But then I got over it and I need to be over it, keep my mind calm and clear so that I can keep fighting
He still has some toiletries of mine that I had there when I stayed over. They aren’t anything expensive though. He said he would give me advice whenever on cars…I am wanting to buy a second hand car and I don’t really have a clue what to look out for so he offered to help. I could always ask if he would come and look for cars with me. I never met any of his friend or family so we don’t have the any common friends. We only saw each other once a week really as we are both fairly busy…he has a little girl from a previous relationship too. We talked about meeting each other’s friends and family just never got around to it.
Awww bless you. I don’t know how you do it. I really don’t. I have given up so many times in my head because it hurts just talking to him. You’re doing a good job though so keep it up and just don’t push anything. let it go naturally. Have you spoken to him recently?
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