Update. She wants me back.

Tami,

I think the fact you two have been intimate (not just sex but deep communication of feelings and the after sex behavior) shows that he is emotionally vulnerable. You can continue this and see where it goes, but be warned… he has trust issues, and this may be the extent of it all.

My advice is to not pressure him, but at some point discuss where you two are heading. You don’t want to be that “friend” right? how long do you think you can prolong this role, no matter how great it feels?

As of late, Idk anymore. I am slipping a bit. I have reverted back to nightmares and literally screaming myself awake. My ex reassures me that she is honest and loyal to our future, and she will do whatever it takes to prove that I am who she wants to be with. However, I can see my nightmares an anxiety is taking a toll on her. We had sex for the very first time in 9 months, last night. It was great. She wasn’t insecure. We were able to express what we wanted without her becoming defensive. The only thing wrong was my emotional connectivity. It wasn’t there. It was simply me reaching an orgasm, but in a really nice way. I think it’s because of my current fear of her liking some guy that she hit on through fb, right before I started speaking to her again. She told me that there is nothing going on, and I let it go for a few weeks. Well, they’re on the same sports team. I asked her straight up, do you have a crush or interested in this guy? She hesitated, and then, as if it were a script that she had memorized.. said the exact same lines that she gave me when she hooked up with the first guy when barely out of our relationship. She says it’s not the same, and that she hesitated because she feels like no matter what she says..I won’t believe her. I told her that her behavior has been sketchy surrounding this guy. Today, for instance, I was supposed to go watch her play her sport. The guy walked in when we (the rest of the team) were eating breakfast before everyone had to get on the bus to go to the game. There was no contact between them. They didn’t even say hi. Which was so odd to me, because she went out with her teammates a few days prior and this guy was there. And she had said that he was a really nice guy and told me about him. Now, all of a sudden, there’s a vibe of awkwardness. She sat by me at this breakfast, and I made physical contact with her. I rubbed her shoulders and her arm that had been hurting. She didn’t return any type of physical contact. She then said, after we were done eating, that she was going to go to the bathroom. I said, oh..okay I’ll walk with you because I need to go too. Well, I started off, and she didn’t follow. I looked back and she was just looking at me. I went to the bathroom, and when I came out she was in the bathroom. I waited for her, but she was weird when she came out. And again, we ended up behind this guy in line to pay for breakfast, and not one work in passing between the two of them. I asked my ex who was she sitting by on the bus to go to the event. She said she plans on getting a seat in the back, but that she will end up sitting with whoever sits down. Well, as the bus pulls off.. I can see her staring at me from the window of the bus..and then I see the guy sitting right next to her. I feel like she’s not being honest. The vibes I’m getting are too real to be just paranoia. I mean..there’s this secret teammate thing they have going on, and she “randomly selected” this guy. So, the rest of the season.. she has to buy little gifts for him. I asked was it really random or was did she choose him. She said it was random. well, she had made the comment of calling this guy her bus buddy. I asked her, “So, you are sitting with him?” She said, “No, I didn’t mean to say bus buddy. I meant to say secret teammate.” I replied, “Do you have plans to sit with him on the bus?” She said, “no. I’ll sit with whoever sits down next to me.” I then let it go.. but after I watched her pull off, sitting by him…I just feel there’s no way she’s being honest.

I told her she was a fucking liar through text, and I turned my car around and went home. I then took a nap, but woke up screaming from a nightmare of her fucking this other guy. I looked at my phone, and she said that she is extremely sad that after we made love that I would think that about her. That she wasn’t doing anything wrong, and that she wants to be able to get past all of this and be happy together. She also said she understands why I’d think the way I do, and that she realizes it’s her fault. I just replied with, “I love you. Good luck. Please stretch before you play.”

What do you guys think?

I know I have fear. The nightmares are proof. But really..am I being paranoid.. or do you guys believe in vibes? I mean, I know my ex. I’ve known her most of my life. The hesitation when I asked her about her crushing on him, the coincidental pairing up on the bus.. the message to him indicating she liked him right before I popped back in the picture..the awkward behavior at the restaurant.

She’s reassuring me that there’s nothing there, but has said that she thinks this guy is attractive. Which I found to be so ridiculous to say… but she insists that it’s not like that and she doesn’t want to have sex with him. That she only wants me as her man.

I usually give advice, but right now.. I NEED SOME. I feel like no matter what, it’s still too toxic to try to be together. Maybe what she’s done has put the final nail in the coffin, and we’re both too stupid to see it.

Cantsum,

The hardest part, for me anyway, was not understanding how she could walk away after 9yrs. And immediately go for another person. It took what seemed like ages to wrap my mind around. I understood she wasn’t happy, and I understood that our situation wasn’t in the best interest of both of us. Does that excuse her behavior? No, but it does give insight to why she did what she did.

Your ex cares for you. Believe that. She had given legitimate reasons why she wanted the breakup, and all you can do right now is respect that; keeping yourself healthy and as happy as possible in the process. I think it shows a lot of strength that you havent hit her up, and honestly.. you did the right thing removing her from your contacts and facebook. She may see it as you being mad (hell, you probably did it out of anger) but it’s also about self-love. Being able tempted to look at will most likely lead to pain. I say, hang in there. Keep yourself busy. Let her deal with her schooling and personal issues, and sometime down the road.. (give it a few months), see how she is. No pressuring her..no questions. Just see how she’s doing. And go from there. I’m certain she misses you! I’m certain she cares for you!

Chin up. It does get better. Even in my situation that started out so shitty and miserable has turned into a positive opportunity to make the happiest life I’ve ever imagined. And I don’t even need my ex to accomplish it. Which brings me to my situation.

@Atea, @Kaila,

So, late last night, I had this urge to look through my ex’s phone history. My ex has left her phone out for me several times, telling me that she wants me to look through it so I feel secure that nothing is going on behind my back. Well, that was directed at texts, but I felt an urge to go through history. Upon opening history and scrolling, I was hit in the head with what I believe is a strong sign that she has been lying about her interest in this guy. She has looked at his facebook pictures A LOT. I mean.. A LOT! In the past few days, especially. I asked her about it, and she didn’t say much at first. The only thing she said was, “It’s not like that.” and she turned around. I told her that I don’t know anyone that facebook stalks a “friend” like this. She said that she doesn’t want this guy, that she wants me, and that she’s attracted to him but they’re only friends. I told her that their interaction and her looking at his pictures this much is a cause for concern, and it’s completely unacceptable to me. She got quiet for a few minutes and said, “I haven’t done anything wrong.” I told her that just because she hasn’t formed an emotional connection or had sex doesn’t mean she’s not doing something wrong. In my eyes, to covet another while trying to be with me is WRONG. She said that she has told me how she felt, and that I can believe what I want. I told her that what she says and how she has been acting is contradictory. I made points about how what she’s said about this guy and the guy she first slept with is a mirror image, and that I don’t trust her. And then I asked her why she was looking at him so much if there’s no interest like that, and she said, “I like looking at him!” and then a few seconds later said, “you know I didn’t mean that I was just talking. I don’t know why I look at his pictures.. I look at a lot of people’s pictures.” In which I replied, “That’s not what your history shows.”

We went around in circles a couple of times with it, but I made the decision that I can’t be with her. I don’t want her. Definitely not right now. I think she is lying to me about this person, and I refuse to be with someone who is coveting another person. It’s so unacceptable to me that she is looking at his pictures that much, that she has been acting sketchy. I don’t care if she says she only wants to be with me and have sex with me… that doesn’t mean she isn’t interested in someone else. It just means she wants someone else to enjoy while having the perks of a steady, long term relationship. I’m not interested in that. I want a strong, intimate, honest relationship where I am the sole interest. I told her that I do not want to be with her, and that she can pursue whoever she wants.

What’s really amazing to me is how strong I am. I didn’t cry. I barely hurt, and I think the hurt is really just me being annoyed that she doesn’t get that it’s not right to be “fancying” another man while trying to be with me. She just kept saying she wasn’t doing anything wrong, and that she knows how she feels and I have nothing to worry about. But I feel that I do. Even after I said that I don’t like their interaction or texting each other.. she didn’t say anything. No offering to stop communication and only have contact during their practice.. which is another indicator (something she did in the past) that she doesn’t want to let go of this guy just yet.

The biggest point to be made, no matter what I write or what happens down the road:

If you can’t trust them, don’t be with them.

It’s a code to live by. And I have tried to trust her. She goes out with her teammates and friends. She leaves without me.. I don’t spam her with “where are you texts” or ask to facetime. I don’t badger her if she’s late.. or anything like that. I just happened to go through her history and found a red flag.

On a lighter note, I am back into meditating. After last night’s discovery, I had to. lol I didn’t want to be negative and angry. I slept really well, surprisingly! lol I’ve had nothing but positive thoughts (aside from this post) bout the prospects of a happy future.

I’m not sure if it will help if we go to therapy, or if there’s even a point to it anymore.