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honestly, at this point i dont think there are that many other options. if he doesnt want to answer your emails or make an effort to engage in conversation theres only so much you can do. i would wait and then email him a couple weeks before youll be in germany and ask him to meet up and see if hes willing to do that and talk in person. you dont want to flood him with emails if he isnt responding!
joe d, thanks for the kind words! i know relationships are complex but hes strung me along for 6 months and just isnt sure what he wants. ill always love him, but i want someone who is more sure that he wants me. he told me hes scared to recommit again because he knows we’ll never be able to break up again and it will lead towards marriage and hes not in a place to make that kind of commitment.
i definitely realize my self-worth more now. it sucks and this isnt what i wanted but it is what it is and we can all only make the best of things and move forward! no point in living in the past.
glad to hear youre doing so much better! you sound very strong and really like youre movig on. im actually doing better than i thought i would. all my sadness has turned into anger basically. honestly the only temptation i have to reach out to him is to say hateful and rude things which i will not do. i deserve so much better. i have no doubt that this is his loss. its like hes convinced himself he chose this other path and has to stick to it, so goodbye and good luck. i have no doubts that when this relationship ends he will cll me but i will not be a backup option for anyone. i do hope she dumps him and he feels some of the pain ive felt over the last 6 months. i was very proud of myself for holding it together – the last thing i said was basically goodbye and good luck and dotn contact me when you get sick of this new girl. he just cried and said “you have no idea how difficult this all is for me too”. i cut him off and hailed a taxi in the middle of this conversation.
he tries to make this all complex but its not. its either yes i want to be with you and want a future with you or no i dont. theres no “maybe down the road” or “maybe ill be in a relationship with someone else and realize how great i had it with you”. honestly he will have a hard time replacing me. i know i was a great girlfriend and we had a great connection but this is his choice so i hope he finds happiness and i do as well.
im also appalled about your ex. its one thing to not want to reconcile but to now even check in with your son is just cruel. it definitely shows bad character on his end. im glad you have a date with someone else who seems very interested – you deserve so much better! we all do.
i wish i were at the point where i could 100% say i dont want my ex back. im not quite there yet but on my way. i still have moments of fantasizing about reconciling but there are other moments i hate him and hope i never see him again in my life. i hope with some more time i can reach the point that even if he wanted me back i wouldnt go for it. im getting there but not there yet!
i think this gave me the push i need to really at least try to move on. im doing better than i anticipated. i think he had a lot to contemplate over after our conversation. personally, i dont think i would ever walk away from someone who loved me so much unless i was 1000% positive i was done and over them for some reason. he just seems lost, confused, and selfish. he wants a shiny new toy.
anyway need to keep looking positively towards the future! i am going to start dating again soon!
just dropping by for a quick update: i met up with my ex two nights ago. we spoke for like two hours. i think i was so numb and angry and out of tears, but i didnt come across as overly emotional which i was happy about. he cried on and off throughout our whole conversation.
ill spare everyone of all the details but he basically told me that he’s “happy” in the new relationship he’s in right now but that he’s very sad about our break up and tries actively not to think about me because its too painful. that when he’s with her, its “different” and there are things about our relationship he misses that he will never have with anyone else. he told me basically there are times he thinks about coming back and calling me to reconcile but if he did that it wouldve made the last 6 months of pain “for nothing” – that he set out to truly “explore” other relationships and thats what he’s doing. i told him to look me in the eye and told me he moved on and doesnt love me and he cried and refused. he told me he understands if i can’t talk to him anymore and want to cut him out but he doesnt think its necessary and he will always answer me – he thinks he “owes me” an open and honest dialogue about it all because of our history and connection and that he feels confused because being with me feels so natural to him but he’s enjoying the novelty of a new relationship. i told him its just too painful for me to be in contact while he’s seeing someone and i need to move on and and recover from this. when i asked him if he loved her, he said “not even close”. overall i left pretty confused. i asked what would make this “time off” worth it to him. he said knowing confidently im the one he wants to settle down with and he still can’t say 100%. i told him the longer he spends away from me and the more serious he gets with other girls, the slimmer the chances and its so unrealistic to think years down the road if he decided im “the one” that we can just magically reconnect.
he told me he owes it to himself to give this girl a fair shot. i basically said goodbye and good luck. i am actually surprised at how well i held it together in front of him. i was glad to see him show some emotion to me because he’s seemed so emotionless throughout. im so angry at him and still really miss him but im at the point about not knowing how to feel – after everything thats happened i don’t think i could ever have a future with him. but at the same time, picturing a future without him seems awful too. just not a great place to be in. for now im staying nc indefinitely as I’ve really said everything i wanted to. he told me he was going to send me a long letter this weekend detailing all his thoughts when he has time to really concentrate on what he wants to say but honestly i don’t have it in me to read an emotional goodbye letter from him right now. i think if he does send it, i wont read it for a couple of weeks until i feel more settled.
hope you are all feeling ok today!
no im not saying its over. no one can answer that. unfortunately you have to give it time. i think “giving up” in a way is a good thing. you don’t have to give up your love for her or your hope to reconcile, but you can give up trying to get her back. i don’t think you should try to get her back while she has a boyfriend. i think you should stick to nc and really work on and focus on yourself. no one knows what will happen a few months down the line – there is always a chance, but right now the best thing you can do is let it go and focus on you.
if and when her relationship with this guy ends, you can step back in. but for now don’t let her have her cake and eat it too. if she wants to be with this other guy she shouldn’t get the privilege of still talking to you
i think you should stop thinking of this guy as a “rebound”. my mom had the same boyfriend for 11 years and met and married my dad 6 months later and they are still married 30 years later. plus, she knew him before. she may have already have feelings. maybe their relationship will last, but maybe it wont. don’t obsess over it.
i don’t think you should initiate any conversations with your ex while she’s in a new relationship. its too painful and its not really considerate to her new guy. if she reaches out to you just be upbeat and friendly and if thats too hard for you just tell her you can’t.
its a good sign she still wants to keep in contact but its hard to know if any of that means anything. its best to cut contact and focus on moving on. if her new relationship ends, you can possibly revisit it then.
im also shocked that not one of us reconciled! i thought for sure one of us would have. i agree belle, we need to look to the future as being happy and not dreading it. i too feel like my ex isn’t worth of me. i felt he really didnt appreciate me and in reflecting back i don’t think he ever really loved me as much as i loved him. im very giving and i always gave and he took. i think i deserve someone who values me more. i want to be secure and be with someone who never wants to let me go.
grief is definitely a process. i promised to give myself a few more days and then to stop obsessing. im going to make a rule to not discuss it with my friends anymore and every time i find myself obsessing, trying to divert my thoughts. i need to get the possibility of reconciliation out of my mind. i think i just need to recognize this is a hard time in my life but things will look up eventually.
i know my ex wont come back either and i also feel like he didnt stay with through thick and thin. he just kind of bolted when things started to get more serious. i also think im getting to the point where i wouldnt even be able to take him back – not after he’s committed himself to another relationship. its all too weird. im not worried about the nc now because its too painful to talk to him anyway. i am meeting up with him tonight for a final goodbye. it will be emotional for sure.
i feel the same as you! i hope my ex falls in love with this new girl and she breaks his heart and he knows exactly how I’ve felt all these months. i treated him so well, completely got him, accepted him for his flaws. he didnt appreciate it. im furious. i hope this girl breaks up with him and he spends many years lonely and single and regretting this choice.
i also need to move on and now i genuinely want to. i want to open myself up to love with other people.
sending big hugs to all of you for helping me get through this!!!
aphrodite, im right there with you. i feel so weak again. i don’t think i grieved the relationship properly the first time because i was so sure it was temporary and held on to false hope for so long. when i was sad i used to tell myself in a few months things will be different. i was just prolonging the inevitable. i have realized that even if he does come back down the road, our relationship is too far gone. i have so much love and so much hatred all at once. and just so much confusion. he kept alluding to how temporary this was. truthfully i don’t think he planned on meeting and falling for someone so quickly but i think thats just life. i also have been crying nonstop, not eating, not sleeping, etc. but i need to move on. i hope ill remember how painful this feeling is and anytime in the future i want to reach out i will remember how utterly crushed i feel now and it will prevent me. i feel like a debbie downer too. i just want to wake up a year from now and have this nightmare be over. i too feel like i can’t be excited about the future and its awful. im so young and have so many other great things going for me. i shouldn’t be so hung up on someone who truly didnt love and value me the way i deserve. reality catching up really sucks.
just wanted to update you all: my ex is in a relationship with that other girl he was seeing. i genuinely was shocked because he told me so many times how he just wanted some “alone time” to focus on him. i really didnt see it coming. plus i thought he would compare any girl he dated to me and it wouldve made him miss me more. clearly not the case. we’ve been talking about things via text over the last few days and he’s been so cold and formal to me – something he’s never been in all the years I’ve known him. finally last night i broke down telling him he has no idea how badly he’s hurt me and i hope this girl is worth all the pain he’s caused. he sent me a response basically saying now that he’s with someone else he feels weird talking to me the way we used to and he doesnt know how to act and is sorry for hurting me. im going there tonight to get the rest of my stuff and say goodbye in person. i feel like early days of the break up – not eating, not sleeping, etc. but i hope this will give me the push i need to really move on
KD1988, im sorry and i know this goes against the main point of this website, but the only advice i can give you is to move on. if your ex wants you back, he will let you know. we have all been suffering and struggling through this and trying to win our ex’s back for 6 months or longer and none of us succeeded. the only success story I’ve seen around here that seems legitimate is LAbound’s and that only happened 9 months after he and his ex broke up and she only came around once he sent a goodbye letter (for himself, not to win her back), and actually went nc to heal himself and move on. its really random who reconcile and i know it happens, but i also know it is rare and you can really drive yourself crazy trying to analyze, predict, and sway your ex’s decision.
i wish i wouldve jut started moving on from day 1 and not scheming to get my ex back. i know you think its your fault but you were having medical issues and it was your ex’s fault for leaving you at a vulnerable time. my best advice is to try to move forward and heal if he wants to then he will come to you. i sent a goodbye letter to my ex last night and he claims he will answer today so we will see but i have zero expectations. i think he will tell me he will always love me, that he values our relationship, but that it just ran its course and thats something i need to accept. i don’t think theres really anything any of us on this site can do but move on. so sorry youre going through this and i can’t be anymore optimistic than this.
belle, thanks for the support! i feel sad but more free in a way. he can’t just go in and out of my life as he pleases and i do feel after this much time he should know if he’s ok being away from me permanently and if he is, then sadly our connection wasn’t as strong as i thought it was. i will always be amicable with him – i think he is a great guy and i know he respects me and my feelings. im interested to hear what he has to say. he has known all along I’ve been on the sides waiting and i don’t want to be his backup girl. if he can’t say to me after hearing this that he doesnt want to lose me for good then i really have to say goodbye and good luck to him.
i have to have enough respect for myself to not live my life thinking he could come back at any moment. ill never move on. i truly believe whatever is meant to be will be but that is up to fate. he’s made me feel like a backup option and i don’t want to be that for him. i will be amicable if we ever bump into each other and maybe somewhere far down the line i will try to be friendly but i feel like i need to respect myself enough to not be strung along. i shouldn’t settle for anything less than 100% from him and he’s been kind of stringing me along while he’s seeing someone else which is not 100%.
this will be a long, hard road but im proud of myself for finally sticking up for me. i need to stick with it now! i thought my letter was extremely powerful and i was really proud of it. I’ve read it over 100x and cry every time. im sure he was crying undoubtedly. i would post in here but a little too personal for a public forum!
belle, im happy to hear youre doing well and sound optimistic! good luck on the new job!! i am sure there will be plenty of good things headed your way for you and your son. i hope you enjoy the tinder date this week!
unimare,im sorry to hear it. im glad you and your ex seem to be on good terms. some guys just suck – actually majority of them! im sorry you had a bad experience this weekend and can see why that would upset you. but you seem like a positive person and like you handled everything breakup related so well and i am sure you will find someone perfect for you soon out there.
so i decided last night that i no longer wanted to be on a string carried by my ex. i wrote him a goodbye email – for closure purposes. i basically told him he doesnt “owe” me anything in terms of keeping an open dialogue, and told him i don’t need anymore answers for why he’s made this decision. i told him i don’t blame him for everything that want wrong in the relationship but blame him for walking away and looking for something better elsewhere. i told him i tried to be understanding to him wanting to date others but that in time its just made me realize how he didnt care for me in the same way that i cared for him. i told him how i thought our connection and relationship was really special but since he clearly feels the same way he felt on day 1 of the break up I’ve realized he doesnt feel the same way. i did mention i think he will have a hard time finding someone who loved him and understood him and was as forgiving as i was. i also mentioned how i know meeting young comes with its complications but that i always felt it was right regardless of our ages. i apologized for what i felt i did wrong in the relationship and told him that im thankful for everything I’ve learned from this. then i mentioned some of our favorite memories, some things i would miss, and told him that i don’t see a future for us anymore. i ended with saying how i thought our relationship would prosper at this point in our ives but i expect his decision. i told him i think our relationship set me on a path to become a great person and that i recognize how strong the love was i had for him and i will never settle for anything less and hopefully i will find it again. i told him its been tough for me to realize that he never loved me quite as much as i loved him and i now need to move on completely because its clear he doesnt think im “the one” or he would never let me go for thos period of time. i told him i wish him the best and i recognize he has chosen another path. then i thanked him for everything and told him to please not respond with more emotionless bs – that he didnt need to respond if he didnt want to but only if he had something of substance. i said i would block his number if he didnt respond soon.
an hour later he replied: Wow. That letter brought tears. It was beautiful, sad and hopeful at the same time. I have a huge project due for work tomorrow so I’m cramming but I want to give you a serious response–one that you deserve. Please don’t block me just yet, I want to give you the response that letter deserves tomorrow when I have time to think about and concentrate on what I’m saying.
so, i will keep you updated if he answers me later tonight. i feel kind of like early days of the breakup but now that i know he’s seeing someone else and its been 6 months i think i just need to move on and get out of my head that this is temporary otherwise he will keep telling me “who knows what the future holds” for years until he is seriously with someone else and i will have wasted years waiting for him. its very very hard to accept but its the reality.
i will keep you all updated. thanks for the support!
belle, it was really strange. he was really cold to me last week when i reached out so i texted him yesterday asking why. i wouldnt say he was cold yesterday – its definitely just a weird situation. he told me to keep reaching out whenever and he owes it to me to keep an open and honest dialogue but he definitely was not as friendly as he was in the past. he wasn’t rude or nasty he just seemed like he was trying to be very neutral and politically correct in a way. his responses came off almost as robotic – like he said everything he’s “supposed to”. i know he’s seeing someone and i didnt want to put him in an uncomfortable situation with her either. he was just very vague about how he’s feeling overall which i guess in a way he has been all along. i know he thinks were very young and should both be dating others right now. its the same thing he’s said from day 1. but like I’ve said we had a great relationship and a clean breakup so i don’t think he will ever tell me its done for good. he will always leave the door cracked open and it will be my job to close it eventually.
i felt very thrown off from our conversation. i honestly did think so many weeks of nc would make him reconsider if he was ok not having me in his life but i think he is determined to date other girls regardless of if i reach out to him or not. if we do reconcile, i think it will be a year or two from now which i think is more along the lines of what he’s thinking. i need to shut out the last bit of hope in my mind though. i completed the 7 weeks nc and was feeling so much better and felt awful after i reached out. it feels weird to know he’s seeing the same girl still after all this time. he did tell me he would be in touch over the next few weeks about catching up and getting together so i will see if he initiates that but i definitely will not. i wish i would just meet someone to make me forget all about him honestly.
i think im still really struggling over the fact that he wants this time away from me. i know what we had and i know how special it was and we had this goofy side of our relationship that i know is hard to find. i know he has all the same memories as me and he knows how well we worked together so i guess im still really in shock this is what he wants, even after 6 months. i thought for sure he would’ve been back already. im going to wait to see if he reaches out to get together in the next few weeks and if he doesnt i think by beginning of may i will send him a closure letter. i just feel like i can’t live my life in limbo. i know i just need to cut contact indefinitely but it really stings. nothing is worse than losing a best friend.
my dating life is nonexistent at the moment! im not seeing that guy anymore – it just kind of fizzled out. i haven’t really felt so ready to date i guess. i know i need to get back out there but im just starting to feel kind of ok on my own and just didnt really want to rock the boat. the last two flings I’ve had just kind of made me miss my ex more.
im sorry for the way your ex treated you at the end. its really mind boggling to me how people we loved so much can turn into strangers. it must hurt a lot. im proud of you for getting through 30 days nc though – i think the initial month is the hardest. i hope all good things come out of this for all of us. its just really hard to extinguish that last dwindling of hope. i feel torn because on one hand i know how special it was what we had, how hard it will be for him to replicate and i have a gut feeling this isn’t the end and he will be back, but on the other hand im not sure if that feeling means anything or is just stupidity and stubbornness. like you said we just have to keep living life one day at a time and let things happen naturally.
aphrodite, im glad you went to see him. im sure it must be painful coming back and not knowing if he will contact you or if/when you’ll see him again but im glad you gave it your all and can walk away leaving it peacefully and let go with love. you truly did all you could do and i know you will be a breakup warrior and get through this. like you, im hoping theres a great reason this has happened to me because I’ve yet to see one 6 months later.
mike and i have been emailing! ill let him say his piece but no real change in any of our situations it seems. both of you feel free to email me anytime 🙂 my family and friends are done discussing this so i try not to talk about it anymore but it feels good to let things out occasionally!
hi everyone! a couple minor updates on my end. i hadn’t spoken to my ex in 7 weeks and last saturday night i drunk texted him telling i missed him. he answered sunday night and was incredibly cold and awkward towards me. he was nice but very stiff and formal and thats something i just wasn’t really used to since he previously had always seemed happy to hear from me. i basically poured my heart out (once again), telling him im doing well and starting to move on but a part of me really can’t let him go and that i do miss him and hope we can catch up soon. he was pretty cold again just saying yes we can and he hopes all is well. it was eating me up all week so i texted him this morning and flat out asked him why he was so cold.
his response to me was basically that he’s still with the same girl he’s been with for the past couple of months – that he’s trying not to have things be too serious but they’re definitely “exclusively” seeing each other and so he didnt want to lead me on in any way and didnt know how to act around me and what he should or shouldn’t say. i asked him some tough questions – if he sees this being permanent, if he thinks this other girl is a fling, etc. and he told me that he can’t go into anything with her or with any other girl with the mindset that it wont last because its not fair to anyone involved and he once again reminded me that he has no idea what the future holds and can’t predict how he will feel after a certain amount of time but for now he still feels he needs to “explore other paths” and i always deserve his respect and he owes it to me to keep an open and honest dialogue and wants to communicate and told me about 100 times to please reach out whenever and he’s always happy to discuss things. he did say he would be “in touch” about getting together for lunch or dinner or something to catch up in the next few weeks but we will see if he initiates. i told him im leaving the ball in his court to act how he feels appropriate based on his circumstance.
in short, the situation hasn’t changed since day 1. my 7 weeks of nc did not make him reconsider anything. i don’t plan on reaching out just because its too hard for me right now. i feel i left things wide open for him to contact me if he wants to see each other or talk. i really don’t know what to think at this point. i think im getting stronger and am happier overall but i just can’t get it out of my head that he’ll be back and i can’t accept this is permanent and its something i need to do. i just need to start beginning to figure out how.
hope you are all doing ok!!
Kaila, good for you! Thinking about your future and focusing on your studies is the most important thing. Im glad you’re starting to have happier days. It does take time and you really will be fine either way.
My ex definitely is in jeopardy of losing me for good. I feel myself moving on more and more everyday and o think he can sense that. If he’s okay letting me walk then he clearly isn’t the one. If he realizes he doesn’t want that then I left the ball in his court to let him know. I really would be happy to see him and catch up. There are many positives I would love to tell him about my life! I left the ball in his court to message me if he wanted to get together in the next couple of weeks so I will see if he initiates. I definitely will not initiate anything.
Im glad you recognize past mistakes – it’s definitely important. I recognize I wasn’t perfect either but no one is. I know what I would do differently next time around with him or someone else but overall I think I was a great girlfriend. I admire your persistence but just remember your emotions are top priority and of it is meant to be then it will somehow work out. I tried a lot with my ex for the first 3 months. We spoke a lot about the relationship, I tried to be light and friendly, tried to hang out but he clearly wasn’t ready so I had to walk. I will say it was wasier to turn my back on the situation knowing I did everything I possibly could have to make it work. Just don’t push too hard – you don’t want to jeopardize your dignity!
