atea1234

hi @labound,
i just read your latest update. personally, im a big believer in following your gut. if you believe something isnt right about the situation, then something probably isnt right. that being said, i know how difficult it must be to trust her right now even if shes telling the truth.

i think you need to make a choice. you will never be able to have a successful reconciliation unless you can truly let go of the past and trust her. i understand rebuilding trust is not an overnight process, but if you want to be with her, you need to let it go and work on building a bight future, not dwelling on the past, and you have to trust her. if you cant do that, i think it will be impossible to reconcile. sometimes its too hard and we physically cant trust our partner anymore. if youre still having nightmares and are deep down trying but you cant seem to trust her, then at some point youre going to have to end things.

i think this is a really personal decision for you. if deep down you feel like you want your relationship with her at whatever cost then you need to work together to set boundaries and work on trust. but if you feel in your gut that the situation is toxic and can be repaired then its better to walk away. theres not point in trying to beat a dead horse. whichever decision you make, do what feels right to you. keep us updated 🙂

im glad you had a nice time and were up front with this guy about your breakup with your ex and how you’ve been feeling. it sounds like you aren’t really ready to date yet. i went on a couple casual dates after my ex and i broke up and had a fling that lasted about 2 months but i was up front with all the guys about how i was feeling in terms of my ex. now I’ve taken a break for a while but im starting to feel ready to date again. im starting to move on! its both scary and exciting.

i know how you feel about wanting to just slap your ex and be with him but sadly it doesnt work that way. i really couldn’t wrap my head around that. i kept asking my ex how he could throw away 7 years for the prospect of “what if” there was someone else who could make him happy. but i had to resect what he needed to do for him and let it go. there are some nice things about being single. i don’t have to answer to anybody about what im doing when or why. I’ve also spent so much time with girlfriends and reconnected and have been having a lot of fun with them. I’ve also really started to focus on school and have been doing very well this semester. of course i miss my ex and this wasn’t my choice but i can’t dwell on the negatives of this situation.

right now i do not believe your ex wants to get back, im sorry. i also think holding onto hope is really helpful in the beginning because its a crutch but eventually it does more harm then good. i held onto so much hope so whenever my ex and i would talk and meet up and he didnt want to reconcile, it was like the breakup was happening all over again. none of us can say (not even him) how he will feel in the future in terms of reconciling but in the now it doesnt seem like he wants to and thats what you should be focusing on. what can you do in the NOW to be happy? i don’t think you should pursue another relationship because you clearly aren’t happy. spend time with girlfriends, reach out to old friends, pamper yourself, shop, read, watch tv, etc. stay busy and distracted!!! when my breakup first happened, i kind of wanted to wallow and think about it and talk about it all the time but i don’t want to anymore. i like being distracted and sometimes when i think of my ex im astounded that its been a few hours that I’ve thought of him less.

in any situation there is truly no way to predict whether an ex will come back or not. moving on is a win-win. if my ex comes back, it will be my choice. if he doesnt, i am healing. i know its not what you want to hear but you can’t really “mess something up”. the ball is in his court entirely. i tried everything i could but i didnt start to feel better until i really cut contact and blocked him on all social media. i don’t hope to hear from him everyday anymore and i don’t want to reach out.

in regards to your post before this one, you need to stop saying you weren’t yourself in the relationship with him. maybe that shows he’s not the right one for you? i know how hung up you are on saying you made all these mistakes but it is what it is and its the past and you truly have to let it go. you can’t change the past and in order to ever have a new relationship with him or someone else you need to let it go. in terms of the relationship feeling distant, that happens in time. i was with my ex for 7 years and i still think of him daily but it honestly feels like a lifetime ago that we were together. its weird how that happens. but if it was true love i don’t think that fades in time. it depends how strong his feelings were to begin with. plus when you get dumped you usually process it right away but for a dumper they are probably feeling happy and relieved at first and it can take time for reality to set in. but each situation is unique.

im not sure i believe in complete “meant to be” or “destiny” either but i believe in fate. listen to how many stories if people who break up only to reconnect or bump into each other years down the road. i think we have the choice in creating our destiny. but i also believe if my ex and i are meant to be then he will come to terms with that on his own and reach out to me and i will still want him. you can’t force someone to be with you and can’t force their feelings.

you can’t panic about losing him forever. the worst is over. you’ve already lost him. don’t let him hurt you anymore. thats why its important to keep NC – for your own sanity. believe me, if a guy wants to be in touch and see you and talk to you, he will. you unfortunately have to leave the ball in his court. you also need to take him off the pedestal. i know he made you happy and you loved him and that is wonderful, but he really is not the only guy in the world. it takes time to heal a broken heart but dont think he is the only guy in the world who can make you happy. thats also too much of a burden for him. you need to make YOU happy. and when you do, you will attract someone amazing – whether it be your ex or someone who makes you even happier. the sad thing about life is sometimes we just don’t get a second chance. we aren’t guaranteed that opportunity. of course there are things about my past relationship i would change if given the second chance, but sometimes we just need to accept the past is the past and move on.

the bottom line is you really can’t change his feelings. you can sit around and obsess and hope and plan and regret but it wont change anything except for drive you absolutely crazy. at this point, there is really not much you can do. im a huge advocate for leaving nothing left unsaid and walking away only when you truly have done everything but he needs to decide internally he wants to be with you. whats helped me make peace with the situation was telling my ex everything i wanted to say to him in a letter. and then saying i was moving on and leaving the ball in his court – that i was open to discussion if he had something he wanted to say but i was done initiating.thats all that can be done. i can’t manipulate his feelings. i can’t force him to reconcile. and in fact, i don’t want to be with someone who came back to me because i schemed to do it. if he goes off and meets other girls and spends time away from me and decides i make him happiest then that will be one thing and i will see how i feel. i know theres something romantic about not giving up on someone you love but at a certain point it feels like banging your head against a wall.

if i were you i would really stick to NC until a point where you feel less anxiety, panic, and depression over this situation. see if he reaches out and if he doesnt then reach out in a few months time. i know you feel you have changed, but honestly think about if you reconciled tomorrow? would all your panic magically go away? no. you would be worried about him leaving again. you need to take time to heal and see you can be happy on your own. take him off that pedestal!

personally i would just avoid seeing him and his friends. running into your ex and his friends is awkward and its inevitable. it wouldve been nice to just smile and wave and be friendly but its over. no need to over analyze. it wont change anything. its not a mess and it wont make your ex think any different of the situation. but i would really just try to avoid these situations overall. i wouldnt go there at all anymore

i did see your longer reply. i just think it is hard to go from relationship to relationship quickly. i think its healthy for him to take some time to be single right now. he needs time to process his break up with you and also to process the end of his very long term relationship. don’t dwell on what he said around the 1 month mark. my ex told me at the beginning of january to just give him a couple of more months on his own and he would be back to me. and then he met someone he was interested in and our contact went to zero. he’s told me always to reach out when i want but he never initiates and i don’t want to talk to him anymore. things can change in a moment. you can’t think about what he said 2 months ago. he may have just changed his mind or he may be confused. personally, it doesnt seem to me like the dust has settled yet emotionally for either of you. he needs time and space as difficult as that is. sometimes people just change their minds. i waiver daily so i can’t even imagine how my ex feels. when i saw him 3 weeks ago he told me he thinks of calling to reconcile all the time but he wont let himself because he’s not 1000% positive he’s ready yet. so when i kept pushing him for answers some days he would tell me well get back together and others he would tell me to move on.

your ex doesnt know what he wants right now. so don’t focus on what he said he wanted then. and in the grand scheme of life, 3 months really isn’t a very long time to have been broken up for. don’t get hung up on the numbers. im afraid the more you talk to him when he’s confused the more difficult it will be. thats how it was for me. my ex was sending me mixed messages unintentionally because he didnt know what he wanted. now i basically told him goodbye and good luck with his exploring and if he reaches any conclusions let me know. i know how much waiting sucks but reconciliation will never work unless your ex and you are both 1000% invested in it and right now he isn’t. he’s confused. might he be one day? maybe. he doesnt know right now. i know you want to see him and talk but i don’t think he will give you any clear answers now because he doesnt know. personally i don’t think discussing it or seeing him will change anything and i think it will leave you more confused. but i know we all do it once in a while as a reality check. i met up with my ex at the 1 month mark, the 3 month mark, and the 6 month mark. now i don’t want to anymore. he says the same things all the time because he doesnt know so i can’t force answers out of him. im sorry youre going through this, it sucks. but it gets better in time.

kaila, i felt the need to answer your post because one of my best friends is in a similar situation but she is on the dumper side. she had a long term relationship that ended after about 5 years back in august. the break up was due to them becoming long distance. about a month later she started dating a guy who we had all been friends with growing up. their relationship progressed really really quickly and no one could believe how quickly she got over the 5 year relationship and how much she already loved the new guy. well she broke up with him last week after 6 months and it sounds similar to your breakup. she told me she ended things with him because he was insecure and sensitive and also jumped to conclusions and they began fighting a lot. he had never been in a long term relationship and i think that maybe caused some friction because he didnt know how to act. anyway he was devastated about the breakup and cried, pleaded, begged, etc. she said it was way too soon as she’s obviously sad but reality hasn’t set in yet to see if she made the right choice.

she was really stressed from him continuing to contact her. finally on thursday he sent her a text saying he recognizes that he made a lot of mistakes and wants to take some time to mature and grow and he hopes they can revisit in the future but for right now she’s right and he respects her decision. she thought that was incredibly mature of him and now is taking some time to really think about what she wants. she has very mixed emotions because i think she is also just now starting to process the 5 year relationship ending because she jumped into a new one quickly.

i really think that every situation is different and unique so i don’t want you to base your decisions off this story but it reminded me of you. I’ve read your recent updates and i think the best thing you can do right now is to tell him you respect his decision about the breakup and feel like you could use some time to grow and mature on your own but you want to keep the line of communication open so that there could be a possible reconciliation down the line if you should BOTH decide thats what makes you happy. then you should really take a step back. i know being patient and waiting is virtually impossible and i know you think the longer that goes on the harder it will get to reconcile but i don’t believe you’ve healed enough from the first relationship ending yet. i think you need to really work on getting to a point where you feel this is HIS loss. i know you made past mistakes – everyone has. but him getting mad at you for this reason is in my opinion very selfish. he broke up with you. he’s lucky youre still wanting to reconcile. even if you did ignore him on purpose, you would have every right. i think some time and space without pushing or trying too hard would be really beneficial for you both. you need to see if you will gravitate back together naturally. he knows how you feel and he knows you want him. you’ve said your piece and now give him some time.

good luck 🙂 hope youre feeling ok

i actually feel the best I’ve felt in the 6 months! i think i finally got the closure i needed for now to want to step off this crazy emotional roller coaster ride. i said everything i wanted to and right now i don’t want anything to do with my ex. last week i had just a small setback for a few days but i really feel fine now. again, not sure what the future holds but for at least the next foreseeable future i really just want some time away from him.

we don’t use that group anyone really! most of us have left the boards. i think its healthy to get away sometimes. i write back only with small updates or when i have some free time to help some other people with their situations but i don’t think any of us in that group have a want to discuss our situations anymore – we all just want to put them behind us and move on so that conversation is kind of closed except for some small updates and catch ups here and there.

hi joe,
glad things are looking up for you! its too soon to reach out after the 30 days since she explicitly asked for space and said she was scared of the situation. you need to give her more time. 30 days in the grand scheme of things really isn’t long. wait 2-3 months total before reaching out. hope youre feeling ok!

i wouldnt call it a “bad idea”, but just dont be shocked or devastated if he doesnt want to add you or skype or doesnt want to talk. based on his lack of responses to your emails, im kind of understanding that maybe its too hard for him to really engage in conversation right now. obviously im no expert but i think if i were in your position i would email him when you are coming and see if he would like to get together. it seems like skyping might scare him off a little right now and he doesnt seem like he really wants to engage in a whole series of conversations.