SM

Good luck with the meeting next weekend, Cassie, and just try to keep in mind the advice that Kevin gives here. I know your situation is different because you’ve already met him, but you can still implement some of the things Kevin says. At any rate don’t sweat it too much, just enjoy the meeting, but you’ve already made it clear you want to get back with him so I’m not sure how you can pretend otherwise now! Best to just be yourself, be honest, but avoid having a “relationship” conversation with him unless he himself brings it up. At least that would be my advice.

I’m sure you were great. Don’t worry. The important this is that you contacted him and he responded. Now give it a few days, maybe even a week. Let him be curious about you!

Nnubc, keep going, I know it;s hard, but we’re all here rooting for you. You will get through the pain. Just take it one day at a time. It’s great that you’re going to the gym, meeting family, going to church, thinking of writing in a journal; all these mean that you are actively working on yourself, learning to become yourself again, finding happiness in yourself. Whatever works for you, whatever makes you happy, whatever distracts you from thoughts of your ex, do it. Slowly you will make new friends – maybe at the gym, maybe at church, maybe through family – and slowly, but surely, you will feel better and better. Keep up the NC. At least for 30 days. Keep going! you can do it!

Hi Pixie25, you know, now that you’ve said a bit more about your story, I think your situation is actually far more encouraging than mine – and I don’t think your last exchange, 53 days ago, was “a mistake” at all. It’s a good sign that he responded, and a great thing that he said he missed you, and it is great that you left it at that and didn’t follow up or respond in any way. This means you took all your power back!

I agree that he is sending you mixed messages, but I don’t think your case is perhaps as straightforward as mine – I really think my ex doesn’t love or miss me at all, and probably never did; I think he just feels bad that he hurt me so much, and probably feels guilty too, and doesn’t want to see me ever again. I think when we met for coffee he was really saying, in his own way, sorry, and the fact that he didn’t actually kiss me means a lot.

In your case, I do get a sense that your ex is struggling with his decision to break up, and trying to be consistent (Kevin explains that guys really want to do that), trying to figure out what he wants, but still holding on to you.

I think it’s wonderful that you’ve been able to keep NC for 53 days – you should feel proud of your strength – in your situation, I’m not sure I’d have managed it. Now, break it, but make sure not to say anything like “I miss you” “I love you” “why did you break my heart” etc – nothing about the relationship or breakup, nothing emotional. Just reach out as you would to a friend. See if he responds. One text, that’s it. Can you maybe come up with something that reminded you of him – as Kevin suggests – and just say, for ex, “hey I walked past x today, or saw Y today, and it reminded me of that time we’d done Z. How’re you doing”
Something like that?

Hi Pixie25, very similar to your situation: the last conversation I had with him before the 53 day break was actually a meeting, over coffee, where we met to say bye (because I was leaving town/country). I followed Kevin;s instructions then too: looked my best, kept the conversation very light, did not mention relationship/break up at all, and made sure I was the first to leave. He hugged me goodbye and I kept it a very brief, friendly hug. I could have sworn he wanted to hug me closer, and maybe even kiss me. He looked deep into my eyes, but I just waved and walked away and didn’t look back. I was SOOOOO proud of myself for that. He’d said that day that he would write to me. He didn’t, and hasn’t. I’d left him a handwritten note and a book as a present (for his birthday, which was coming up) in his office, which he would have found pretty soon after our coffee . He never wrote to acknowledge the gift; he never wrote to ask how I’m doing in this new life; he never wrote, period. For 53 days. Then I wrote – two weeks ago – to mention casually that I’ll be back in his city/country for a week in end Nov, and it would be fun to meet up with some other friends. No response. It is baffling. I don’t know what to do. But I’m not contacting him again.

Good luck to you, whatever you do. Just don’t let it destroy you, if he doesn’t respond if you send him an email. Maybe a text would be better? (I didn’t sent him a text, as he wouldn’t know my new number – as I;m in a new country now – and I thought email would be better.) I’ve no idea what;s going on in his mind. It’s been many months since our actual break up (April). Maybe he just doesn’t care about me at all. That is the likeliest scenario, if I’m being perfectly honest with myself. I have no hope any more. And I’m resolved not to ever contact him again unless he reaches out to me.

I’m OK with that, and I have accepted that we’re never getting back together. I’m in pain, but I’ve accepted the reality.

Hope it helps you a bit to hear my sob story! But I hope yours will have a much happier ending than mine.

Hi TravelBug, good for you! Keep being strong, even if you feel sad today, don’t let it overwhelm you! Good for you for going out and having fun and realizing that there is fun to be had without your ex, and that the anniversary is just another day. It really is. And never mind if you got a little drunk; as long as you don’t get sick or drink too much that you lost control, no harm in just letting go a bit and having fun – but safely – with friends.

I hope something fun happens with the hot German guy! And even if nothing comes of it, I hope it will give you some positive impetus to keep being strong and reworking your life without your ex.

I hope you will find someone else who will give you what you deserve and want and need. I hope the same for myself, though I don’t have much hope. I’m older than you – 37, almost 38 – and at some point I have to realize that it is not necessarily a “given” that I will find a life partner.

But, again, having been alone for much of my adult life, I don’t feel I need that. I would have loved to share my life with my ex, and spend the rest of my days with him, but I also know that I don’t need a man; certainly not a man who doesn’t love me. Nor do you; nor does anyone.

I’m glad to hear that you won’t give your ex another chance unless he comes begging. That is exactly the attitude I’m trying to have. I know that will never happen – he will never come back; he hasn’t even responded to my casual email yet (it’s been 13 days now, so I know he’ll never respond, and I will not write again) – and you know what, it’s better this way. Unless he writes begging to see me and get back to me, I’d rather never hear from him again. This is something I knew intuitively, but thanks to you and what you write above, I know it for sure. So, thank you TravelBug for your wisdom again!

Hope you have a great day and a great new week.