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Hi, my boyfriend of ten months broke up with me yesterday kind of out of the blue. I really thought he was the one, but he just got out of a ten year relationship when I met him. That wound hadn’t healed yet and we were going to be just friends with benefits when we first met. But I ended up falling for him, and reluctantly we decided to be in a relationship after some nudging and prodding. I don’t think he really wanted to, but I think he did it to keep me in his life because I made him happy. He said he loved to hear me laugh and it brought joy to his life. We were perfect together as far as getting along and be with each other effortlessly. We had great chemistry, amazing chemistry and even though he want ready, he said that he made space for me in his life. He took job in a different city but I’ve been able to go see him every other week. Even though we loved each other but I knew that he was still hurt from his ten year relationship with his wife, so I felt like I was waiting for him to give himself to me completely. But, not much changed in the ten months since we first started hooking up and now he lives far away and broke up with me because he realized that he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship with me (even though we were). I’ve caught him communicating with other women who on match.com and almost walked out but couldn’t give up on this special connection we had (which is rare to find, and he agrees too). Anyway, is there hope for us? I know I only want to hear a “yes” and it just happened yesterday so I’m still in shock and indisbelief because I really thought I was special enough that no matter he wouldn’t leave me because we were so freaking good together in everything we did. What I did wrong is that sometimes I would send him these long angry texts about what’s bothering me and how he doesn’t communicate with me enough (dive we became long distance lovers), but I think I knew I was lashing out because he wouldn’t completely commit too me and I knew he wasnt whole heartedly there for me. I was very living and affectionate to him, but ever since I saw him communicating on a dating website, I didn’t trust him and have been insecure. I know I love him and am totally heart-broken, and can’t stop crying but I have convinced myself to maintain no contact for thirty days. I know I need this time for myself and get myself together, but I feel this void and I tend to become very emotionally dependent on my boyfriends.
Anyway, this thread has been helping me a little to stay motivated and to get up and hit the gym but I can’t seem to do that yet. It’s only been a day. But I’ve been out with my friends yesterday and plan to hang out with them again today to stay distracted and to laugh and remember that everything is good and it shall pass. But today has been hard since it’s kind of hitting me that we have broken up.
Thanks for listening. I don’t want to bog my friends down with my sappy love story too much because I feel like I’ve exhausted them with my break ups over the years. I am going to be 32 soon, and I can’t seem to find a guy I love who loves me back the same way and is willing to get married and have kids. What am I doing wrong here? I’m such a sweet person to my boyfriends and I have a great personality and am good looking…is there hope for me? Or am I falling for the wrong guys?
Any words of encouragement, hope would be much appreciated. I am so tired of heart breaks…I feel like I love too much and expect the same in return. This guy seemed to be capable of that, but here I am…
I’ve already gotten on okcupid and started communicating with some guys. But I know I’m not ready to move on, and I am not ready to receive my box of belongings, or delete our pictures, or send his key back…I want to hold on to the hope that he’ll realize he had made a mistake and would like to come back and commit to me with his whole mind, body, and soul but then again, I don’t know who this person is that just broke up with me yesterday. I didn’t think he ever would.
I could go on writing, but I know what I need to do which is to maintain no contact even if he calls/texts me. But it’s hard. Glad to have a place like this to write. Thanks for listening.
Hey. I was in a relationship for 4 years and then a close friendship for another 5 years so about ten years total. Then last year I met my exgf and it was not easy. It wasn’t that I had feelings for my exgf but after that long people get into habits and routines and its difficult to let go. From what you say I do not think it is… You didn’t do anything wrong. He doesn’t sound ready to commit and is probably afraid of failing at a new relationship.
As for yourself just try to focus on you right now. The gym and friends are good ideas. Don’t force yourself with OKC if you are not ready. And yes start NC, if you meant something then your ex will be thinking of you and reach out.
Start NC.You should follow the 5step plan.Since you broke up yesterday,its gonna be even more powerful.
Good luckHey a.z can I have your opinion on my latest post “Not so successful”. I could really use your kind of insight on it. I’m very confused.
Yes, I already started nc. Even though when we had the breagoom call, I tried to convince him not to, but by the end of it, I said “ok, have a great life.” I didn’t mean it obviously, but I think I wanted him to think that I was truly planning to move on, even though I am not ready for it yet. But yeah, I’m staying busy with friends…going to the gym tomorrow and meeting up with friends again. My life is still good, even though I have moments of weakness and I cry, and I might still be in denial. But, I’m doing the best I can and I think I’m doing pretty good!
Bguarino, thanks for telling me it’s not my fault. That made me feel better, because I keep thinking about what I did wrong. And that maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.
Good night, day 2 done! 28 more to go! Thank God for good friends and you guys for listening!
@bguarino: I think I just got on OKC so I can start to feel good about myself by the attention I receive. And I think going out on a date can be a great distraction (even though I’m not ready yet).
Day 3 of NC…its hard in the mornings for me, but I was able to get some sleep last night, so feeling a little more rested today.
Today, I came to the realization that I don’t want him back just the way he was. I don’t think he was ready, and he wasn’t completely there for me emotionally which is why I was hurt at times and lashing out because I wanted more. I do want him back, but only if he comes to the realization that I am the one, and the connection we had is worth fighting for. But I am filled with doubts and losing hope because I think that I was his rebound relationship and now he’s gone forever. It’s so sad, but I think he did the right thing even though he caused this heartbreak. But, is there hope that after 30 days of no contact he’ll be ready for me? Isn’t it too soon for him to be over a ten year relationship? How do I fit into this equation? Or do I not fit into this equation and move on with my life?
I am scared, and sad, and lost.
Day 4: I’ve started listening to “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. I got the audiobook for free on Audible/Audiobooks if you are interested. It’s surprisingly very calming. I woke up pretty rested (as I took two sleeping pills last night) and without a lot of thought. But as I started to move around I’m reminded of him with things that are attached to him. I see signs of him everywhere, in everything. It’s hard, but I am off to work today for the first time since the breakup. Hope it goes well.
As always, I am grateful that I have this blog to come to, it helps me to read others stories and write my own.
Sending love and peace to all of you out there.
S
Day 5: Mornings are always hard…I wake up with this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach…I had some breakfast and just forced myself to go on a walk. The weather is beautiful which made me sad and happy at the same time. Happy that I got to experience it, and sad that I can’t spend days like this in his warm embrace. We used to cuddle ALL THE TIME. Which is something I loved about him…it was the happiest place on earth for me. Just the thought of never experiencing that kills me, and my soul deep inside. Can’t help but cry at the thought of it. But I am crying a lot less now…at least not bawling anymore like I was. I know he’s thinking about me too, and missing me, but it’s sooooo hard to not talk to him, and have that comfort of knowing that he’s there for me. I wish I could hug him and cry till I felt better, but I know I can’t.
He hasn’t contacted me. I didn’t delete him from Facebook, but he doesn’t really do much on it and I haven’t checked his Facebook once. I post random stuff, not anything more or less than I usually do, just my usual stuff. I guess, I just want him to think that I’m fine in case he checks it. I don’t know how long it’ll be till he contacts me, I told him I would never be friends with him out of anger when we had our breakup talk over the phone. And the last thing I asked was…”so you’ll be fine if I go sleep with a guy tonight, right?” To which he said “yes.” I know I shouldn’t have said that, I should have been more graceful about it, but I can’t change that now.
I miss him, I wish he would try to contact me so I know he hasn’t forgotten about me. I wish he would call to tell me that he’s miserable without me in his life and ask to forgive him for breaking up. But, I don’t know if he’ll ever do that. He’ll probably mail my things back, and I’ll probably break down again seeing those things…I told him I wasn’t ready to get my things back, hope he doesn’t send them until I’m strong enough to handle the last nail in the coffin.
So many thoughts, does be have them too? Or is he having a blast getting drunk and hitting on other women?
I think I’m getting stronger day by day. But every morning I have to start the process all over again.
Anyway, life is still good and worth living for. I am thankful to be alive on this beautiful sunny day.
Love.
S
Listened to one of his voicemails from June and it broke my heart again. Guess I’m still obsessing. I don’t think he’ll try to contact me. He’s too strong and mature and composed. Not an emotional wreck like myself. Why can’t I be a cold hearted bitch?
Hey. I read your recent posts and I am right there with you. I know what it is like to find little things around the house. My ex posted sticky notes around one day before she left for work, just cute and funny messages, and I thought I got rid of them all but found one and it led me back to that day.
Try to focus on reasons why he is not a good fit. Remember you don’t have to get over him, you just need to get to a place where you are strong and do not breakdown at the thought of him. We are in this together, everyone on this site, in more or less the same position and feeling the same thing. :).
I was talking to my best friend last night, it was the end of day 5 of nc for me, and I was so rational about how this is not a good time for my ex and I to be in a relationship together because he’s not ready to be with someone and needs time alone to sort through his feelings from his ten year relationship. He still had pictures of his ex in laws on his computer screensaver, and I knew that was a sign that he wasn’t ready but we had such a great connection and it felt do warm to be held by him, that I proceeded with the relationship. Anyway, after saying to my best friend last night, how I won’t give up on the hope of being with him someday…but I will not wait either, but rather move on with my life because he needs more time. But this morning, I am filled with regrets of how I forced him into coming to this conclusion by being unhappy and constantly telling him that I wanted more (even though I wasnt exactly sure what I wanted)…but like you did @Nevergiveup, we shouldn’t have to fight for their love. It should be given freely to us. If they are able to give up on us, then obviously there’s something fundamentally missing or they can’t see it right now. I also feel like he doesn’t care enough, otherwise he would have reached out, right? I am also starting to feel jaded about being in misery. Maybe the best thing is to let him go..I feel like he should date other women to realize that what we had was something very special. But it hurts none the less, specially after dreaming last night that we were back together and in my dream I felt so happy being with him again. Waking up was sad this morning, like most mornings…but you just have to keep living.
It’s ok to be mad, I think it’s part of the process of letting go and coming to the realization that you’ll be ok without him/her. It’s part of the 5 step process.
I wish I had an appetite. I can’t eat. I haven’t felt full in the last 6 days. I eat just enough to keep me moving, but my body just doesn’t want food.
Here is a great article:
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