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GOOD LUCK!!!! GO FOR IT!!! Look your best, don’t overthink it, remember we’re all rooting for you!! Report back to us how it goes. DONT talk about relationship or getting back or anything like that. Just keep it fun, casual, keep a hint of mystery about yourself if you can. I know, i know, easier said than done. But I’m sooooo excited for you, and also soooo jealous, cause I’d do anything to have dinner with my ex on Sunday 🙁
Hi ndubc, first things first, kudos to you for getting off that couch and for reaching out to old friends again. It sounds like you’ve been through a really tough couple of years, and you have every right to feel depressed and anxious. Anyone would in your situation. I hope the financial problems (your mothers and yours) are under control, and even more importantly, I’m glad your health is better. Take care of your physical and mental health FIRST, and your finances too. The ex problem can take a back seat for the moment.
Now, for the ex: It really helped me to read your story, because, in many ways, I think I’m on the “other side” of your story, in that, I think my ex left me because he felt under a lot of work/family//financial/health stresses too. It might just be that he simply didn’t love me enough to stay with me through all that, but, whatever the reason for his leaving me, it’s clear that you left your ex because of all your stress. You simply felt overwhelmed by your life, and you did what you thought was best for her. I think it would be best for you to keep a strict NC – 30 days at the least, maybe 60 days – and then perhaps send her an email, or even better, a hand written letter, explaining everything that you’ve explained here. But NOT MENTIONING anything about getting back, not even a hint of that – read and follow Kevin’s instructions as well as you can – just write to her a heartfelt letter explaining why you let her go. And apologize for keeping things from her. Don’t make it too long. Maybe two handwritten pages max. Send it to her, don’t mention anything about meeting or getting back or anything like that. And see if she responds. At least, that’s what I’d suggest you do.
But I’m not sure I’m in any position to be giving anyone any advice, because I followed Kevin’s instructions to the T, keeping NC with my ex for 53 days, working on myself, working hard to feel genuinely happy and content in my life, and then I wrote to him, and no response, and – there we go – back into the most soul-sucking sadness.
But, good luck to you, and keep looking after yourself, and remember, you’re not alone. We’re all cheering for you!
Thank you so much for writing, ndubc. Your insightful post really made me think, and I’m very grateful for that. You made me realize that I haven’t spent enough time feeling compassion for my ex, who is – or was – in a difficult place in his life when he left me. Unlike so many others here, he never cheated on me or did anything too horrible; there were no fights; no arguments; just this distance that he put between us because he felt overwhelmed by stress. He told me at the time that he has “nothing to give”, and feels that he has, as I’d said in my initial post “no bandwith.” It was hard to hear then, and just as hard to hear now. Because I could have helped lessen his burdens, if only he would have shared them with me. I could have held him at night, and made him feel less alone in the world. If only he would let me. But he didn’t, and he doesn’t, and I have to accept that. I should be grateful that our breakup wasn’t as terrible as some of the others here – I can’t even oimagine what it must feel like to be cheated on, because no one has ever done that to me in my life – but it is so hard, it is so so hard, to go from being adored , and the object of someone’s desire and adoration, to this. The way he used to look at me, I don;t think any one has ever looked at me like that before. And to go from that intensity to this nothingness – twelve days and still no response from him; and seven months since our break up – it is just so hard.
But thanks, ndubc, for the advice, and the insight, and the compassion, and for reminding me to be understanding towards him.
I’m trying to make my way forward in my new life with no anger towards him. But the pain is sometimes overwhelming, still, after over six months. I wish I could say I was doing better, but I’m not.Go TravelBug! That’s great news, good for you. I’m so glad you feel as though you “have your self” back. That is a hard fought victory, and I’m proud of you!
I hope the guy you went on a date with last night will turn out to be a good and positive and fun influence in your life, and turn into a good friend, or maybe even something more, who knows? Either way, have fun, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you! And thank you so much for your wise words and encouragement to me.
Wish I could say I was doing as well as you, but, oh well. I have taken your advice and have been writing a lot in a journal about my feelings. It does help with the pain. And yes, I’m doing my best to get to know the wonderful new city and country that I’m so lucky to find myself in now (I’m in the south of France!). I do wish my ex could be with me, discovering and exploring it all with me, but I’m very happy to be here anyway. Most people would kill for the chance I have to live here, and I remember to feel grateful for that everyday.
Tears this morning for me too, in bed, when I woke up. oh well. Saturdays are hard. I’m in my seventh month now of the break up. And 12th day of new NC.
You’re not alone bguarino! Don’t contact her, whatever you do. Try to distract yourself and don’t think about that day one year ago. You are right to feel angry towards her, but with time that anger will lessen. And , as Kevin says in one of his emails, you will never get closure from her, people don’t give each other “closure” when they leave them. Think about other break ups in your life – maybe one instance where you did the leaving. Did you give that person “closure”? Maybe you did, but you can’t ask for it. And what will you hear? I hope she will contact you herself, but till she does, stay strong, and make plans for your move – good luck with that – and your new life in a new place! All the best to you. Dont feel alone, we’re all with you! And in the same damn boat.
Dont do it Pixie25 – don;t write to him!!! I completely understand all the anger you’re feeling. He should not have given you mixed messages. You are right to feel angry, but dont give him any power over you by writing angrily to him now. Keep up your NC, and if and when you do break it, keep it light and casual, like Kevin says we should. If you want to get him back I feel that is the only way (though, in my case, sadly, I followed Kevin’s advice to a T and it didn’t work; I never heard from my ex – after 53 days of NC – and I wrote a light and casual email after all that time, and he still didn’t respond. So I really must give up now). It’s funny, I feel that our situations are so similar: my ex chased me for several months, almost a year, till he got me. He was so keen and so ardent that I gave in, and fell quickly hard and fast in love with me. I think all he really wanted from me was the chase; he didn’t want a true and lasting grown up love; he just was like a child after a christmas present. The moment he got it, he didn’t value it any more. Well, not the moment; we had some happy months, but I have no other explanation for the break up, as we had no fights or disagreements – we were not together long enough for that – he just lost interest. And it is so hard to realise. Anyway, sorry for going on and on about my situation. I hope you can be strong, and whatever anger and hurt you’re feeling, don’t express it to him. Keep up the NC! I’m rooting for you!
TravelBug, thank you so much for writing and for the good advice. You’re absolutely right, though it is hard for me to hear.
I do need to accept that he’s never coming back to me, and I know I need to move on. I don’t quite know how to do it; I still love him, and it is so hard to accept, and to extinguish all the hope that had been lurking in my heart through all these months, even during the two months of NC.
I will make sure to look and feel genuinely happy when I’m back in his city for a brief visit at the end of Nov. I will see our common friends but I will not contact him at all, ever again. If he writes back by then, or comes along with the others, then great. If not, I will just relish the chance to be back in my old city again, and try not to think about him. I have allowed the break up to destroy my happiness and peace of mind for too long, for half a year, in what should be the best year of my life. I’ve moved to a great new country and should feel happy and excited at the new adventures I should be having here. Instead, I spend my nights crying about him, thinking about everything, remembering little things we used to do together, obsessing about why he left me (mornings when I wake up are the worst, like for you, TravelBug). I have followed Kevin’s advice but some days are harder than others. I can’t imagine actively seeking someone else out right now but I have been going out with new friends and, well, if some guy approaches me then I’ll not turn him away. My ex is the one I want, and he’s the one I love, but, well, if he doesn’t want me and doesn’t love me and doesn’t value me the way I do him, then, so be it. The sad thing is that he was the one who chased me, for almost a year, and when we finally got together he told me he was so happy. I suppose that is life.
It is hard, it is so hard, but it is better to get rid of all my hope and keep NC up, not for one month, not for two months, but for life.
I hope TravelBug that your next week of NC will be easier than the first. You deserve better, we all do.
TravelBug your posts really do help me, and make me realize that I’m not alone. I’m still heart broken over a breakup that happened over six months ago – six months! – and I’m mad at myself for letting it/him destroy me and my peace of mind for so long. Over half a year. It’s just too stupid. We werent even together that long but, god, how I loved him, and how good I felt when I was with him. It’s just so hard to accept that he didn’t ever love me – I’m sure of that now – and doesn’t miss me at all. It’s shattering. I wish I hadn’t reached out to him after keeping NC for two months. I hope you won’t reach out to to your ex either, not even after two months. I know you’re early in your NC stage, but I hope you’ll keep it up – way beyond the prescribed 30 days – and I hope you get stronger and better and happier every day. You will keep being an inspiration to me.
If you can do it then I can too. I hope. It’s just too terrible to lose so much of one’s self to someone else’s indifference.TravelBug, I’ve been following along with you and reading your notes, and just want to say that your writing is a huge comfort to me, and your determination to be better and stronger is an inspiration to me, in my own heartache. I’ll keep reading, and I hope you’ll feel better and better.
I’m sort of in the same boat. I was proud of myself for maintaining NC for two months; I did everything Kevin suggests we do; then finally wrote a light, casual email to my ex – whom I still love with all my heart – ten days ago. He never responded. I also sent a postcard from the city where I am in now. (I moved overseas after our breakup). He didn’t acknowledge it. Like you, I have to accept that he’s not coming back, and like you, I want to be strong and move on. I adore him and think of him (like you, in the mornings) but I’ve always been a very independent person and I’ve never needed anyone – certainly not him – to make me feel happy or complete. Thank you for your honesty here, and keep writing. I hope it helps you to know that there are others in “the same boat”, who are taking solace and encouragement from you.Ugh. Heart breaking all over again. Not a word from him, it’s been over ten days now.
Losing all hope. Shattered. Discouraged.First things first, I’m so sorry to hear about your accident and I hope you’re well on the road to recovery now. Take care of yourself, mentally and physically!
Now, about your ex, I think I’d advise you to keep up, if you can, a casual text/email correspondence with her, and maybe, after a few weeks of text/emails, see if you can get her to see you (keep it casual, follow Kevin’s instructions on the website ) . DONT ask her about her feelings for you or anything like that – read Kevin’s instructions and try to follow them as best you can! (I did, not that it did me any good 🙁 )
Good luck.Pixie, I replied to you in my original post but I’d just reiterate here what I said there: if you can stand it, keep NC on for at least another 60 days. It hurts too much to not get a response after such a long break – this is my situation – and he knows how to contact you if he wants. Maybe you can write on Christmas/ but if he doesnt reach out on your birthday, don’t let it destroy you. Be strong. Write a casual and cheerful email at Christmas/New Years wishing him well, and see how it goes. Good luck, and keep us posted. BE STRONG.
Seems like you’re well on track to getting back with him. I’d just play it cool, and see where things go. Don’t bring up the past, dont have any heavy relationship conversations just yet. I’m sure there’s a lot you need to discuss, but just wait and be patient and let him come to you. Lucky you! Wish I could be in your situation… I’d give anything to have my ex kiss me again 🙁
Keep going, Pixie25! It’s a really terrible feeling to contact the ex after almost two months of NC and get no response back. So, if you can manage it, I’d advise you to keep NC forever… it hurts too much to cross off the NC days, one by one, to feel proud for getting to two months, and then to reach out to your ex, as Kevin suggests we do, and find that there is no response at all. If you can, keep it up forever!
And thank you for reminding me to be proud of myself for having tried; but I’d gently suggest that you – and anyone else who might be reading – don’t.
