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Dear SM, don’t let his actions dictate your happiness. You did a great job doing nc after your move, but perhaps you forgot to take into account that he might not reply and that no matter what the outcome was going to be, that you were going to accept the breakup. Accept it, and embody that feeling that you are moving on. When you return to his city, everyone should notice how happy you look and hope well you’ve moved on. We gotta take care of ourselves. So, now you should stop expecting him to reply and start thinking about being happy and being single and welcoming the possibility of dating other men. You can do this, but you gotta let go. You gotta stop hoping and move on with your life. Sure, you can send him another reminder before you leave, but know that you may not like the outcome.
Stay strong, we are all on the same boat. You are not alone. We are all here together.
TravelBug, thank you so much for writing and for the good advice. You’re absolutely right, though it is hard for me to hear.
I do need to accept that he’s never coming back to me, and I know I need to move on. I don’t quite know how to do it; I still love him, and it is so hard to accept, and to extinguish all the hope that had been lurking in my heart through all these months, even during the two months of NC.
I will make sure to look and feel genuinely happy when I’m back in his city for a brief visit at the end of Nov. I will see our common friends but I will not contact him at all, ever again. If he writes back by then, or comes along with the others, then great. If not, I will just relish the chance to be back in my old city again, and try not to think about him. I have allowed the break up to destroy my happiness and peace of mind for too long, for half a year, in what should be the best year of my life. I’ve moved to a great new country and should feel happy and excited at the new adventures I should be having here. Instead, I spend my nights crying about him, thinking about everything, remembering little things we used to do together, obsessing about why he left me (mornings when I wake up are the worst, like for you, TravelBug). I have followed Kevin’s advice but some days are harder than others. I can’t imagine actively seeking someone else out right now but I have been going out with new friends and, well, if some guy approaches me then I’ll not turn him away. My ex is the one I want, and he’s the one I love, but, well, if he doesn’t want me and doesn’t love me and doesn’t value me the way I do him, then, so be it. The sad thing is that he was the one who chased me, for almost a year, and when we finally got together he told me he was so happy. I suppose that is life.
It is hard, it is so hard, but it is better to get rid of all my hope and keep NC up, not for one month, not for two months, but for life.
I hope TravelBug that your next week of NC will be easier than the first. You deserve better, we all do.
Thanks SM! Yes, you HAVE to allow yourself to move on. If it convinces you to think that he has moved on and you should too because he didn’t reply, then believe that. I spend my time here in the mornings because I feel sad in the morning. When I come here, I’m reminded that I’m not the only one and it helps me to stay strong and continue nc. One day, I won’t need to come here anymore for that mental support, I’ll wake up with a peaceful heart that’s not broken anymore. This morning was better than yesterday morning, so it’s getting better.
I think you should explore the new country. I went on a travel adventure by myself in El Salvador and Nicaragua. I just got lost and found my way back, made new friends, went to new places, and reminded myself that I was happy without him. You have to start believing that life is still good without him. That you are still happy without him, you don’t need him to be happy. Be strong, be brave, and welcome new experiences in your life. Live for yourself, not for anyone else or the absence of anyone else. Our exes didn’t care enough for us, so we have to go on living our lives and find someone who will care for us. Our exes broke our hearts and dumped us like we are used tissue paper. We are NOT disposable! We have to know our worth! We can’t allow anyone else to do that to us again. Get strong, really really strong! And become the best version of you…
We’ll get through this! I’m already feeling strong enough to take on the day! I won’t allow myself too be weak the rest of the day. I’m going to go pack for my move and you should Google some new things to do in your new country. You are lucky to be living in a new country, take advantage of it! I want to know what plans you make, go do it, NOW! Right now!
I know it hurts. I broke up with my ex due to stress and depression so as a man I know how it feels to see your partner in pain from my pain and to not have any mental bandwidth.
I dont know him but if he’s still not responding, things may still be a foul in his life. Starting a new forever NC may be best until he reaches out. Good luck, I’m tright here with you.
Thank you so much for writing, ndubc. Your insightful post really made me think, and I’m very grateful for that. You made me realize that I haven’t spent enough time feeling compassion for my ex, who is – or was – in a difficult place in his life when he left me. Unlike so many others here, he never cheated on me or did anything too horrible; there were no fights; no arguments; just this distance that he put between us because he felt overwhelmed by stress. He told me at the time that he has “nothing to give”, and feels that he has, as I’d said in my initial post “no bandwith.” It was hard to hear then, and just as hard to hear now. Because I could have helped lessen his burdens, if only he would have shared them with me. I could have held him at night, and made him feel less alone in the world. If only he would let me. But he didn’t, and he doesn’t, and I have to accept that. I should be grateful that our breakup wasn’t as terrible as some of the others here – I can’t even oimagine what it must feel like to be cheated on, because no one has ever done that to me in my life – but it is so hard, it is so so hard, to go from being adored , and the object of someone’s desire and adoration, to this. The way he used to look at me, I don;t think any one has ever looked at me like that before. And to go from that intensity to this nothingness – twelve days and still no response from him; and seven months since our break up – it is just so hard.
But thanks, ndubc, for the advice, and the insight, and the compassion, and for reminding me to be understanding towards him.
I’m trying to make my way forward in my new life with no anger towards him. But the pain is sometimes overwhelming, still, after over six months. I wish I could say I was doing better, but I’m not.Like my relationship, I never cheated on my ex … we actually had a good relationship. Stress and depression are a killer. Looking back, I wish I would of let her be there for me because even after we broke up, for 4 months, I was just depressed missing her. I did that to us.
Compassion is always good but remember do things for yourself and be happy. I’m trying to do the same.
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I was also in similar depression from career related stress. I neglected my own family and cut friends out of my life. I didn’t have a relationship at that time but probably that would get sucked up in that mess as well. It is probably easy to say I could have reached out to them and looked for support instead of going through that tough phase but I couldn’t avoid it. My family, especially, tried their best but I couldn’t get out of my cacoon and I felt more and more insecure. I was mentally weak. What made me get over that phase was my effort to realize what was important to me. It took 2 years but I finally turned the tables around and started working for my dream, my goal. And I’m not ashamed to admit that duration was necessary for me to evolve as a human being. I cannot find that experience elsewhere.
I’m telling all these things because I realized my ex is also going through a similar situation. Even when we were together, she was under a lot of pressure due to career related concerns and some more. What happened was, the little arguments we had became unbearable. It made her more insecure. She had to cut one source of stress/pressure out of her life. And it became me. I don’t blame her for that. I embraced that fact. I wish I didn’t do those mistakes and be there for her right now but it is what it is.
I did the NC, I messaged her going through Kevin’s guidelines but she ignored me. I did one last attempt, this time to reflect on the love and care she had for me. I got a mild response from her, telling me to move on for myself. She is just not ready. NC works as in ex missing us, but as far as relationship and communication goes there is nothing we can do about it except wait for them to clear their confusion, that is if you have the will and patience to wait.
Going back to what I said at the beginning, I really wish some of my friends would reach me out now. But they moved on. My ex used to tell me to not say I’ll love her forever. She said she didn’t believe the words, she only cared for the act. Eventhough this happened in bliss stage, it carries a lot of valuable information. Now, can I be strong enough to wait for her? I already feel like I cannot move on completely before I see her move on. That is why I decided to go on NC indefinitely until things are cleared and she’s seen the end of the tunnel. I still care for her but I accepted the break up and know that we may never get back together. I’ve been doing a lot of self improvement, broadening my horizon. If we do meet some day, both of us will be whole different person with new experiences and a touch of nostalgia.
As for what we should do in mean time, I realized I can be happy being single as well. Before I met her, I was also a happy, fun person. Hence, I attracted her. I don’t need to jump into a relationship to find ‘that’ again. I don’t need that. Being single is perfectly fine. This may come as a false hope mode, but it is true.
So, back to square one. Just work on yourself to be happy and reach that inner peace. That is the only way things will proceed. These whole guidelines, ninja tricks are just there to show you the way. In the end it’s up to you.
Hi niyesuh. Thanks so much for writing and for sharing your story. I empathize with you and am glad that you are feeling better and stronger now. I’m glad you’re going back to being the happy fun person you were before you met your ex, and before you went through your depression. I’m sorry your old friends seem to have faded from your life, but why not try reaching out to them again, casually? And then explaining what happened – your depression, your break up, etc – as you do here? If they’re real friends they will understand and forgive and welcome you back into their lives. If they don’t, they’re not worth keeping anyway. Go out and make new friends!
As for your ex, you show a lot of maturity and compassion for her. I hope she might come back to you one day, when she’s ready. In the meantime, keep up your NC. How many days of re-NC are you in now? I’m on my 12th day. It’s hard, but my heart sank when I saw what she wrote to you about “moving on for yourself.” I’d rather not contact my ex again if that’s all I hear from him. I think permanent NC is best, as you yourself say, unless they themselves reach out to us. It’s hard, but it’s much better than the alternative, which is getting a response which is cold and distant. Kevin says we should try to casually “meet up” with our exes. Well, how do we do that if they don’t want to! It’s awful. It’s better just to never contact them again. At least that way we take some of our power back.
Be strong niyesuh, and go out and make some new friends! You’re not alone! We’re all cheering you on!
@niyesuh
That was super motivating. I’m glad you’ve evolved as a person. Even after all of this time you still feel for her , thats amazing.
I never really knew what love was until I met my ex… I’ve said it to other women but never really experienced it till I fell in love with her. So reading your experience reminds me that real love exists… you cannot move on until youve seen she has. I totally feel you on that. Good luck on growth and who knows what can happen.
Chin up 🙂
If u feel like crying let it out and time your tears, I found that helped me
If I cried for 20 minutes, the next day I have to cry less than that!
What was it that you last texted your ex? Maybe it just wasn’t as effective as it could beDid a lot of crying today. Not feeling great. Will write him another brief email now. Dont think it will do any good. Dont think I should keep coming back to this website. It just prolongs the misery. I’m finding it so difficult to cope. It’s been seven months. I can’t take it any more. I’m just so tired of feeling miserable. I just want the paint o stop.
Hi Pixie sorry didn’t read your message. I don’t know if I can bear to time my tears but I definitely spent a lot of time crying today, really howling. But I wont cry tomorrow. If I cry again I’ll try to make it less. Thanks for the idea.
I wrote to him – an email, not a text – two weeks ago. He didn’t respond. It was the first time I’ve contacted him in 53 days, and I said I’d be coming back to his town, shared some good news, sounded fun, kept it light and funny and short, etc. everything Kevin advised. He didnt write back. How can he not write back? it is so rude , on top of everything else, to not respond to an email for so long. But I know people are bad with emails. It’s not just him. People prefer texting but I can’t text him as it would be too odd – he doesnt have my number here and he wouldnt even know who it’s from.
Oh god this is all so crazy. I cant believe I’m sharing these incredibly personal details of my life with complete strangers.
I dont know if I’m going to come back to this site. It’s not helping. Nothing is helping. Not even time is helping. It’s been seven months, and i’m still in pain.SM, if this site is not helping than take a break. You have to do what’s best for you. We all know the feeling when you feel totally helpless and nothing makes the hurt better no matter what we try. We’ve all been there, some of us are still there. I think you may be clinging on to some sort of hope in the future and not able to let go. There’s nothing any of us can do to speed up the process.
A few things that helped me is mediation and yoga. I listened to meditation to help me sleep at night. I took bendryl to sleep at night. I wrote in my journal everyday, several times a day. I took a vacation alone where I didn’t know anyone which forced me to talk to people. But it really is upto you whether you can muster up the courage to move on or not instead of waiting to hear back from him. Stop waiting, move on. If he writes back, you can figure out what to do. But it’s very rude that he’s not writing back just to be polite. I don’t know why, but people are all different.
I’m sorry you are not in a more emotionally stable place. It must be because you reached out and expected a certain result but the outcome turned out different.
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