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Hi all. Just to say that I saw my ex last week a couple of times, as I had to go back to the States and to the city where he lives for work. It was the first time I’d seen him since I left the States in August. He left me last April – so, almost ten months ago – and I’ve been shattered and really struggling to deal with it ever since. OUr relationship didn’t even last that long (Feb-April) but we’ve been friends for years, and I fell deeply in love with him. I’ve written about all that here previously. For now I just wanted to say that it was such a jolt to see him. He said he was genuinely happy to see me. He also let slip that he’s seeing someone else and that he’s very happy. He wasn’t rubbing it in my face or anything, it was a response to my asking if he’d met anyone. I told him I’m seeing someone too (not true!) and I made sure not to react at all to the news that he’s seeing someone else. But I feel shattered and hurt all over again. He’s not the type of person to have random rebound relationships; he’s only had serious relationships all his life. So I;m sure this one he’s in is serious. Oh god it is so awful. He left me – at least what he had said back then – because he felt he couldn’t give me anything, he had said that he “had no bandwith” for love. So now he has that bandwith, for someone else?? When he knows full well, despite all my pretending otherwise, that I love him still? I live in another country, half way across the world from him. It is all so awful and sad. I’m never getting him back. I knew that last April. I knew that last August. I know that now. Of course there are other men out there. But he was the one I really and truly loved, and still do. I have nothing to comfort me now – even though I had no hope at all for months – because even time doesn’t help. It has been ten months. I still cry about him.
I dont know what to do. I guess I’ve got to just keep living and just keep pretending that I’m fine. I cant tell any of my friends because they will think it’s ridiculous – and because they all think that I got over him LONG ago, as I should have done.
I followed all of Kevin’s advice. It still doesn’t help.Hey TravelBug, just checking in here after some weeks off, and wondering how you’re doing. Hope all is well, and hope that you had a good christmas and a good start to the new year. Hope you’ve been having a fun time with the new guy, and not thinking about the ex AT ALL. I’m doing much better than I was, haven’t contacted my ex at all in about two months, and am being strong and positive and looking to my future, and feeling grateful that I’m where I am. But I still love him and miss him and think of him, almost every night and morning. Oh well. With time I hope that will stop. I’m finally ready / hoping to meet someone new… I think that will really help me in moving on. I think/hope that it’s helped you too!
I think it’s great that he’s been initiating contact, and that he sent you a christmas present out of the blue! What a huge improvement from last year! I think your instinct is right about the meet up: don’t press him about it; act cool and above-it-all. I hope it happens, but you should not press him about it. Let him set it up, if he really wants to, and if he doesn’t, then just wait and be patient. The key here is to signal to him that you don’t care…which is not true, of course! Good luck, and keep us posted! I hope that by now you’ve already met him and it went well!
Almost two months since I last heard from my ex. He didn’t write to wish me for christmas, new years, or my birthday. I didn’t write either. It’s so sad. I know for certain now that he is forever out of my life. I still love him. But I will never contact him unless he contacts me. I have to go back to his city in Feb for another brief work related visit. I will see our mutual friends, I will send an email out to people, but I will not contact him.
Pixie25, as for a new man, I hope you’re right! I’m so tired of being alone and being sad.UGH UGH UGH
SOOOO hard not to contact the ex at this time of the year. But I’m staying strong and resolved not to write to him unless he does first.
Trying my best to enjoy myself. Am with family, which helps. But still think of him every night/morning, and still regret so much not being with him.
How are you all doing? Here’s wishing all of you all the very best for the year ahead…That’s really good news Pixie25 and I’m so happy for you. Things seem to have progressed quite a bit since we last exchanged updates on this board. Good for you, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed for your meeting in Jan. Play it cool; try not to get your hopes up too much; and try just to enjoy spending time with him. DONT bring up the breakup or anything from the past unless he specifically wants to discuss it. GOOD LUCK. And, as for sex, I think your instinct is absolutely right. But if it ends up happening and you enjoy it then, well, why not?
Let us know how it goes! I’m rooting for you..!
As for me, no news at all from my ex; not even the briefest of greetings for christmas/new years. I’ve decided not to write either, unless he writes first. We exchanged emails in Nov and that was it. He doesn’t want me, that’s absolutely clear. I really hope 2015 will be a better year for me. I’ve spent so much time crying about this guy… god…
Hope 2015 will be a better year for you too!How you doing Pixie25? Did your ex and you finally meet? I hope things are OK on your end.
Hi all, just checking in after some days off this site. Trying but struggling to not think about my ex during this special time of the year. Makes a difference knowing that so many of us are in this together; struggling with the same thoughts and cravings and sorrows and doing our best to overcome them as best we can. Just want to say thank you to ALL of you, and to Kevin, for keeping this site going.
I’ve not heard from my ex since the exchange I mentioned earlier in this thread. I’m not expecting him to write at all. Still, it would be so nice if he did. But why write? To ask me how I am?dear TravelBug, how are you doing? I don’t think it’s terrible that you broke NC, you did it the right way, keeping it light and casual. I’m glad your ex responded immediately! Imagine how difficult it would have been if he hadn’t… now leave things at that, and see if he reaches out to you in a few days. He might. But, in the meanwhile, remind yourself that you are strong, and getting stronger every day, and that you know in your heart that you don’t want to be back with him, because you deserve better. I;m so glad you’re seeing someone new; just be honest and gentle with that new person, take things slow, and just enjoy yourself. It is hard to fall in love with someone new when you are still in love with – or trying to get over – someone else. So don’t force yourself to feel anything that you don’t. Just try to have fun, and enjoy yourself with the ne guy – don’t break his heart though!!!! – and if you ex writes to you, then great. If he doesn’t, even better. Stick to your NC and your resolve. But I think, all in all, it was good that you sent him those photos and got a response. It’s really odd that he didn’t ask how you are, but maybe he feels sad and guilty about having hurt you, and doesn’t want to give you any hope ? In which case, that means he’s a good guy, not trying to lead you on in any way. Just try to think that, and think that whatever he’s doing, he is doing it with the best of intentions.
I hope that helps you.
But, in the meanwhile, HAVE FUN with new guy, and check in here every time you’re feeling sad. You’re NOT alone…Hi Pixie25, wow, did he really phone you for the first time in months? This MUST mean that he is genuinely missing you. Why would he do that? You know him better than any of us: do you really think he would be cruel enough to just do that to play with you? I hope, for your sake, that he’s not, and if he is, I hope that that realization might help you finally get him out of your life. But if it’s the former case – ie that he genuinely misses you – then I’d suggest you keep doing what you’ve been doing; do respond to him when he initiates contact (but don’t initiate yourself), and keep your conversations and exchanges light and fun. DONT bring up anything emotional, don’t talk about the breakup, and see if you can, following Kevin’s advice, get him to see you?
I think the fact that he’s calling and texting is really a positive sign; you didn NC for as long as I did – 50+ days – and he didn’t reach out to you even once then. The fact that he’s doing so now must mean something. I don’t want to give you false hope, I know how dangerous that can be, so I’ll repeat here that only you can judge the sincerity of his actions, because you know him.
One last thing: If he doesnt respond, don’t worry too much about it, maybe he’s busy at work?
Maybe he’ll call you again today! Maybe… I hope… that he’ll agree to meet you soon. I’m excited for you, and will keep my fingers crossed for good news. Keep us posted!
And if he doesn’t, and if after phoning and texting he just disappears again, give it a few more days, and then really see if your heart can take this constant “up and down” for much longer….
Either way, I’m here for you, and will be checking in frequently…Pixie25, no, new man for me in time for christmas, alas! I wish! (Though I don’t really wish, given all I’ve written above). It’s going to be hard, but I’ve got to get through them alone. I was reading one of Kevin’s emails again – the one about the “scarcity” vs “abundance” mindset, and I fear I really belong to the former camp. I don’t think there’s an abundance of men out there for me; I don’t think it’s possible to fall in love a hundred times with a hundred different people. Maybe some people can, maybe their hearts are big enough. Mine isn’t. I’m 37 – almost 38 – and I can honestly say I’ve only loved four men my entire life. I’ve had crushes and flings with others, but love, only four. And I fear that my last ex – the one who broke up with me in April – might well be my last. I know I shouldn’t think that way. But I do. And a big part of me thinks that that is a good thing, because I cannot bear to go through this pain and suffering again with someone else…
TravelBug I will write a proper response on your thread, but just wanted to say here that I know it’s hard, when you love someone, when you really love someone, to find love anywhere else.My ex left me eight months ago, and for the past eight months I haven’t looked at another man. I just don’t want to. My friends keep telling me I should go out there and look for a new guy, they keep saying I’m beautiful and charming and any man should be lucky to be with me. But I’ve never been the sort of girl who has gone looking for love; I;ve never done internet dating or any thing like that, and I shudder at the thought of even trying to start. But the bigger problem is that I just don’t want to be with someone else. I wish I could be with my ex, but not the way he is now, the way he was then. I know it’s a dream and it will never ever be, and , as I said before, I wouldn’t ever get back with him, unless he were to come begging (which I know he won’t). We live in different countries, separated by an ocean. It will never happen. But I just can’t let go of all the love I have for him. It’s been eight months, and I still wake up every morning thinking of him; I still go to sleep every night thinking of him; I still cry , though far less now than before. I’m so tired of the pain and the longing. I just hope it will go with time.
Maybe a new man will come into my life suddenly, and help me forget my pain, but I can’t bring myself to go about looking for it. I can’t help but thinking that isn’t the healthiest way to live: like an addict trying to get off one drug by replacing it with another…Sounds like you are trying really hard, Mema, and bravo and “bon courage” to you. Since you don’t initiate conversations, but he seems to contact you every day, it does seem to me that he wants to keep you in his life, but maybe not as his girl friend. I do think this false friendship thing is perilous, in your case, because he seems absolutely sure that you want to get back with him. The only way this false friendship can work is if you signal to him that you’re OVER him completely, and would under no circumstance get him back. I don’t know the guy or you, obviously, but I do think a better strategy, for your own peace of mind, might be to be a very distant friend. So DONT reply every time he texts you. Dont speak to him late at night or first thing in the morning. Dont write emotional, even jokey, things to him. In short, don’t make any of your contacts with him any different than with any other male friend you have. I KNOW it’s really hard but I really believe it’s the only way. In fact I’d say that if you could restrict contact with him to only once in two weeks – note, I;m not saying “do NC” – I’m just saying be distant and cold with him – that would be great.
I know you’re in Syria as i’ve been reading along with all your posts – though this is the first time I’ve written on your topic – and I feel for you, and I hope that things will be ok for you very soon. Hurrah for passing your master’s exam, and for having friends, and a social life far apart from him , and for going to the gym and taking care of yourself. Maybe all of this will make you realize that you are really wonderful, and deserve someone who treats you as you deserve to be treated. I know he used to treat you that way before. But he doesn’t now, and until he does, he is not worth your attention. Why would someone as wonderful and accomplished as you want to be with this guy, who I’m sure is great, but doesn’t treat you right?
Think about this carefully, and respond whenever you can: you deserve better. We all deserve better. If he can’t see how wonderful you are, then you need to be with someone who does. Or alone. I think it is better to be alone, even for life, than with someone who doesn’t love us the way we want to be loved.
Be strong mema, and write here by all means as regularly as you want, if it helps you, but stop being in touch with this guy every day. It is a toxic situation, and you need to step back and recover yourself.
Good luck! We’re all cheering you on, and we’re all in the same boat as you, more or less (except in my case I dont want to be with my ex ever; no matter how much I love him. I refuse to be with someone who doesnt love me. And so I don’t want “my ex back” in any way. I only came to this website to help me deal with the pain and grief.)Mema I’ve just read this post and some of your other sand I will have to say, honestly and gently, that I agree with TristanJad: you sound absolutely obsessed with your ex, and this has been going on for far too long. Believe me, I know how it feels to love and long for someone for months, but there is really no point in your coming to this forum and posting the same things over and over again, and getting good, honest advice which you never seem to follow. If you really want to get your ex back – and at this point, if I were you, I’d be questioning WHY I would ever want to be with someone like that – you need to seriously step back, read all the advice that Kevin and others have given you, and stop contacting your ex, stop responding to him, restrict all your contacts with him to the barest of bare minimums. Maybe one or twice in a month, max. This is not NC advice – as you’ve already done that – this is advice for you to restore your life and your sanity. What is your job, may I ask? Can you throw yourself into work, or let some other passion and interest and friendship take the place of this obsession you have with your ex?
You don’t seem to have followed Kevin’s advice at all – in the main page of this website – to take the time for yourself, to rebuild your life, to become happy and healthy without your ex. Did you write down all the pros and cons of your relationship with him? If so, take a hard look at the cons column, and remind yourself of how toxic this situation is. It certainly sounds that way to me, and, for your sake, I hope you stop posting on this website that frequently, and stop thinking about your ex so much. Go out and live your life, Mema, and things will get better with time. I promise. But you have to want to get better.Nothing since I last wrote to him. But I have no hope anyway, so this doesn’t make it any worse. I’m still in love with him. But I know now that I will never take him back, and I also know that he will never want me back. I know now that he never loved me. It is bitter to know that. but I’d rather know that, than keep daydreaming about a future with him, and clinging on to some hope. I have no hope, and that’s better, for me, than hope.
