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Well .. I really need some help ..
here’s my story ” if you knkw it .. skip this part “:
– I’ve been with my ex for 3 years ..
– we were madly in love for the first 2 years .. at the last year we were on and off ..( we dated for 6 monthes but we weren’t in a commitment relationship .. we broke up again for 1 month .. and then we were back for 2 months .. broke up for one month.. and got back and we were trying to work on our relationship .. but I pushed him away by putting so much pressure on him ..
– we broke up .. I started NC for 2 weeks .. then broke it when I ran into him .. then 2 weeks of NC again…
– I asked to be his friend .. he agreed .. we were talking again ..
– we met .. we made out .. he said he wants us to be friends with benefits .. I was shocked .. but I didn’t say anything●○● NOW ●○● ..
I’m talking to my ex almost daily ” usually me start talking to him ” .. he said he had feelings for me but he’s not excited about getting back together again ..
sometimes he’s amazing and doing he’s best to be with me .. sometimes he’s cold ..
he talks to me some days before going to sleep and gives me a good night kiss .. sometimes he says we aren’t a couple anymore and he doesn’t call !!
I don’t want us to be like this anymore .. I want him to start the conversation .. and I want it to be he’s idea of getting back .. not mine ..
and one last thing .. 3 days ago .. we had a fight .. he was being mean to me .. so I said : ” I’m not your GF anymore to treat me like that and I don’t have to take it .. and I’m not in love with you to forgive you ” ..
but at last we calmed down and talked about what happened as an adult .. and we said that we don’t want to lose each other anymore ..
I’m confused .. how can I change my situation here .. I don’t want to lose him .. but I can’t be treated like this anymore .. I want him to want me back as his GF .. and miss me and all ..
what should I do?Mema,
You are chasing too much 🙁 and all this is making you unbalanced, and you can feel that because you are saying I want him to want me.
I don’t think you should NC because you are in talking terms with him, but what you should do is pull back.
Keep track of who is inciting communication, at the very least it should be one and one, but it might be better if for every 2 times he initiates, you then initiate one time. But you have to patient when you first start this, it might take him a while to start initiating. You need to wait it out for him to start and when he does, you behave warm and receptive, not clingy and needy.
You need to give him room, lots of room to breathe and let him become attracted to you.
Both of you are right, you are not a couple and you are not his gf right now, let things happen be more carefree and easy going until things get more situated.
Hope this helps!Hey mema,
We’re in almost similar situations. But here you’ve been chasing him a lot. If you keep initiating conversations, be too available, you will not be able to give him any chance to miss you and feel your absence. Like try hanging out with friends all day but let him know you’re out with friends and meeting new people. This way you guys can not communicate for some inch of time and he will start wondering what must you be doing. Something like that, hope it helps 🙂
Good luck.Thanx Maria .. I know I feel like I’m putting much more effort than him .. and that’s bothering me 🙁 ..
I know he’s doing somethings sometimes for me too .. but I don’t feel it’s enough from him .. especially when he’s cold with me !!
and today .. I was with his best friends .. so .. I told him I’m with him ” we called him like 4 times with no answer.. he wasn’t home .. and his phone was at home ” .. so as soon as he got home he talked to me on whatsapp .. when he didn’t got any response from me .. so he called me .. should I wait tell he contacts me again? ..
what if he didn’t feel my absence ? .. or he didn’t talk to me?
and how long do you think should I wait before starting a conversation if he doesn’t talk to me?Thanks sticksnstones .. I go out with my friends every day .. but i spend 3 to 4 hours out max .. and that’s why it’s hard for me .. sometimes there is no connection in his city .. so we are forced not to talk .. like the past 3 days .. we barely talked all day long .. but he calls me once or twice a day .. I talk to him on whatsapp whenever im online .. or I send a message if I was out .. and that’s it .. 🙁
I’ll try tomorrow not to talk to him unless he start the conversation.. and I hope he’ll call me .. I’m really afraid that he won’t .. that’s why I’m the one who’s starting the conversation with him .. I’m afraid to find out that he won’t care if I didn’t talk to him 🙁 ..
how long should I wait before calling if he doesn’t talk to me?
andYou wait as long as necessary, and for men to take action is a lot longer than what we girls think is right.
Don’t play games, but just mirror his behavior a little bit. If he calls you answer if you are available and if not then you call him back when you can.
Here is how I would start this:
Start by calling less and see how it goes. If you normally call him every day, change it to every other day.
If he does not step up to call you more, then time to pull back even more. Start going 2 days without calling him.
Also you can set it up to encourage him to call you, for example the next time you are in a conversation with him, say something like ” Hey it was nice talking to you, my friend/sister whatever is here and we are about to out and do super fun thing, but give me a call later! :)” and then wait to see if he takes the bait.
Also start ending the conversations 5 mins before you think you should. You need to start creating some space in between you two, so he can start missing you a bit.
let us know how it goes!Also with the example above, don’t make up stories, when you say I am about to go do super fun thing, actually have something you are about to go do, so plan on calling him before you go do it 😉
Dont worry if he does not call you or start a conversation with you because he will. Since he does call you once or twice a day, thats a sign that youre on his mind. So im so sure he will contact you. You just need to play cool. And yes, those things he did that bothered you, try taking those things casually. He’ll wonder why your reaction changed towards it. This can be strong. Good luckk 🙂
Thanx Maria and sticksnstones .. The thing is that I barely call him .. I wait for him to call .. I usually send a message .. but most of time there is no mobile connections at his town .. so when he gets the message .. we’ll be talking on IM ” me starting the conversation ” .. I tried to talk less to him on IM .. he’s talking to me now .. he sends me good morning messages and good night calls ..
and today .. his friend from different city is going to his town and he’ll stay with him for a while .. I hate this Friend ” I had a fight with him because he’s disrespectful” .. so I suggested that I don’t talk to my ex as long as this person is at his place .. and I told him that I’ll be waiting for him to contact me .. he agreed .. so we’ll see when he’s going to call ” I hope he’ll” ..
and one last thing ..
yesterday .. we were talking .. and he did something stupid .. so I told him I hate him ” like kids do when they get mad .. in a funny way ” .. so he responded saying : “but I love you ” .. I didn’t say anything back .. and continued the conversation normally ..
and he was telling me that he’ll come to my city .. so I asked why? he said : “basically I wanna see you .. and I missed your city” .. so I said : ” you admit that I’m the most important person in my city to you? ” ( said it laughing and it was kind of joke ) .. he said :” I do .. you’re the most important person to me ” ..
and today we had a fight over a silly thing so he got mad .. and I was the mature one .. he ended up apologising to me for getting mad at me and he said : “I’m sorry honey .. love you ” ..
what do you think?
does this mean he is in love with me again ?
or he’s just saying that ?
the last time he said that ( we were broken up too and I asked him what does he mean .. he said he’s in love with me but he didn’t want us to get back together because we were awful together .. but I also know that he says ” love you” to all his friends -_- )
so what do you think?Mema,
You are communicating with a guy with too much emotion and I think some of it is coming off as neediness 🙁
“The thing is that I barely call him .. I wait for him to call .. I usually send a message .. but most of time there is no mobile connections at his town .. so when he gets the message .. we’ll be talking on IM ” me starting the conversation ”
I am confused? who is sending the first contact of the day you or him?” .. I tried to talk less to him on IM .. he’s talking to me now .. he sends me good morning messages and good night calls ..”
This is good, keep it up 🙂“and today .. his friend from different city is going to his town and he’ll stay with him for a while .. I hate this Friend ” I had a fight with him because he’s disrespectful” .. so I suggested that I don’t talk to my ex as long as this person is at his place”
Here is where there is too much emotion – I would have just not said anything and waited for him to see what he did, he already knows that you don’t like this person.“yesterday .. we were talking .. and he did something stupid .. so I told him I hate him ” like kids do when they get mad .. in a funny way ” .. so he responded saying : “but I love you ” .. I didn’t say anything back .. and continued the conversation normally ”
You did good on this by not saying anything back, because we don’t know exactly why he is saying it.“so I said : ” you admit that I’m the most important person in my city to you? ” ( said it laughing and it was kind of joke ) .. he said :” I do .. you’re the most important person to me ” ..”
Even though it was said jokingly, this screams neediness, you want affirmation that you are important to him, I would have said “oh you are coming to my city, that sounds nice, I am sure you will have fun” you need to start acting a little more like you don’t care that much. He will give you the affirmation you are looking for if that is really how he feels about you, in this case we hope that after you acted like you didn’t care too much, he would have followed up with I really want to see you etc and then you could just said “that would be nice” and keep letting him be the one who is pursuing you.“what do you think?
does this mean he is in love with me again ?
or he’s just saying that ?”
we don’t know, but I can tell you we don’t fall out of love with people that quick, and the only thing we can do is wait and see, but things are looking good for now, you just have to keep getting stronger and more confident.
And him saying he loves you is nice, but we need to see what his actions say.hi Maria .. thanx for taking time to read my comment and reply ..
it’s him usually who start the contact … he sends me a message as soon as he wakes up .. I wake up later and reply .. then I talk to him on whatsapp after like 2 hours .. he replies when he can .. and we talk then if we both were free ..
and about that friend .. he’s going to my ex’s because they were close friends back in college and he needs a place to stay in till Sunday so he’s crushing at my ex’s .. but I don’t like this guy for my own reasons ( this guy was my friend too .. but I ended our friendship ) .. and I told my ex that he’ll be busy with this Friend ..so I don’t wanna bother him .. and I’ll give him his time .. I did say that I hate this guy .. but the main reason I said is to give my ex his space .. and that I didn’t want this guy to find out that me and my ex are talking again ..
and about coming off as a needy person .. you may be right .. this does seems like neediness when I read it again .. but he’s the one who said at first that he’s coming for me .. then I asked for confirmation and It did comes off as neediness .. I’ll work on this more .. thanx for making me notice that ..
I’ll keep working on myself .. he’s working on him self too .. and I hope he means something by saying he loves me 🙂 ..
thanx again ..
I’ll update my thread as soon as he contacts me .. hope he’ll soon 🙁●○● UPDATE ● ○ ●
today before he went to sleep he contacted me on whatsapp .. saying he missed me .. but he can’t talk now because he didn’t want this Friend to find out that we are talking too 😀 .. he doesn’t trust him anymore .. so he sent me a good night kiss and wished me a good night .. The whole conversation lasted 3 minutes and he went to sleep 🙁
I asked him to stay up with me .. he said he’s too tired .. and he has to wake up early tomorrow .. so I said ok ..
I’ll wait and see when he’ll contact me again
wish me good luck .. it’s really hard for me to stop contacting him 🙁 ..
I miss him alot .. and I’m holding my phone all day waiting for him to text me or call me 🙁 ..
what should I do about this? 🙁
I was with my family and friends all day long .. but still I was checking my phone every now and then 🙁 ..Okay, the next time he says he has to go, you let him go, ask/beg which is what it looks like. In the future when things are good between you too, you can ask him to stay up with you, right you need pull back. Leave the conversation before you think is time. I know is hard but do it for your own good, start trying to be the first one to say goodbye.
And you start settling little goals on how long you can go without checking your phone. start with 5 mins and go from there. This is an addiction you are trying to break, so is not healthy and is going to be hard, but you will be much better off in the end.I know is hard to not contact him, but is it a much better feeling when he does contact you? then you can actually feel good that he wanted to talk to you, instead of not knowing if he just answered you because he felt obligated.
Is going good so far I think, he is contacting you 🙂 and you are working on breaking off the needy vibe. keep going !
thanx Maria ..
today he was mean to me .. I told him I’m sick .. and he didn’t call me or even text me .. just 2 messages all day long .. 🙁 .. so I was really sad .. I know he’s busy with this stupid friend of him and the connections suck at his city .. but I know that he could find a way to contact me if he wanted to .. so .. I was really sad .. I said him a screen shot of one of my friends telling me that he would come to my place and stay by my side till I get better .. but I cropped the picture so he would not know who saod that to me .. when he was home 12 hours later .. he was really tired .. and I was upset .. he got upset too about the conversation between me and my friend .. but he didn’t say much ..
I was telling him something silly but it did make me feel sad 🙁 .. he took it personally .. and I didn’t back off .. and I told him that the silliest things I say should be important to him .. we ended up angry at each other .. so he told me that he wanted to go to sleep .. I make a joke so he doesn’t go angry .. he replied laughing .. he sent me a good night kiss and went to sleep ..
after that I sent him an offline message explaining what did I mean by telling him the silly thing and why it bothered me .. and that I expected a different reaction from him .. and that I’m not waiting for him to do anything .. but I’m telling him the silliest things because I trust him .. etc ..
I hope to get a good reply from him when he wakes up tomorrow ..
BUT!!!! .. here is the thing .. when we were talking.. he said that I’m always looking for problems .. and that I’m getting angry over the silliest things and he won’t take it .. and that every time he says that I’ve changed .. but I’m not.. I’m changing for the worst! 🙁
this thing is scaring me .. it’s the second time he says this in a fight .. I’ve changed .. I’m trying to communicate more with him .. to make him understand me .. but he took things personally tonight .. so what do you think?I’ve read your previous posts from the past and you seem to be running into the same problems and not listening to what the people on this forum are telling you:
1) You are still extremely needy and clingy and borderline desperate.
2) You still center your life around him when you should not give a damn and take better care of yourself more instead of thinking about what he is doing 24/7 and why he’s not contacting you.Your actions are not getting you what you want. Have you noticed that? For all you know, he could just be enjoying all of the attention you’re giving him and he knows that you’re not going anywhere and you’re ALWAYS available. It feeds his ego. You’re trying to control the situation by smothering him and driving yourself up the wall when he doesn’t do or act the way you want him to. If you REALLY want the relationship back, you have to completely remove yourself and make something else the center of your world. For real this time.
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