October 23, 2014 at 6:18 pm #12986
Dear friends (and Kevin),
I feel desperately sad. I read Kevin’s wonderful instructions, and have subscribed to his daily emails (which are keeping me going) and tried hard to implement his advice. But it is not working, and I fear that I’ll never ever get my ex back; that I’m one of those cases that Kevin warns us about: the “you might do everything right, and still never get your ex back.”
For a brief background: My ex broke up with me in April; I didn’t beg or plead or make any of those mistakes, but when we did meet there were a lot of tears (on my part) and I did send some really sad emails asking him why. He said he felt very stressed to have caused me so much pain. We saw each other on and off – as friends – I never managed to keep NC for more than two weeks at a time between April and August. But then I left the country in late August. We had one last coffee together, where I was careful to a) look my best b) keep our conversation light, carefree, fun, short c) steered clear of talking about the break up etc. He hugged me goodbye and I didn’t cry or make any fuss. We parted as friends, though I’m pretty sure he knew I was acting.
Then, I left the country, and I’m proud to say that I kept NC for 53 days – and this is when I started following Kevin’s advice in earnest. I am proud of myself for having done that. I did work hard on being happy and healthy and feeling complete on my own; and I do. But in those 53 days he never contacted me once: I moved to another country, started a new life, and he didn’t write even once to ask how I’m doing. It hurts.
FInally, I sent an email four days ago, kept it short, light, as per Kevin’s advice. He has not responded. I sent him a postcard too, last week, which he should have got by now. Not a word. I know he loved me once – before he left me in April – and we didn’t have any terrible fights or anything before breaking up. He just said, at the time (in April) that he “cared about me very much” but “didn;t love me,” and that he “has no bandwith” to give me anything. He was going through a lot of stress at the time with his work, but I’m certain now that he is no longer that stressed. I have no facebook, so have no idea how he is doing (and luckily have not been able to make any of the mistakes Kevin warns us against).
Friends, I feel shattered and hopeless. I’ve been good. For 53 days I’ve followed the plan. It’s not working. I’m giving up. Advice?October 23, 2014 at 6:24 pm #12988cj03Participant
- Total Posts: 16
Slooow down. Four days is not that long. You said so yourself that you really have no idea how he’s doing. Maybe he’s on vacation, maybe he’s busy with work, who knows. The letter could have stirred up some emotions with him and he’s just putting thought into how and if he should respond. I’m not saying he’s going to respond for sure, but at least you still have hope.October 23, 2014 at 6:44 pm #12992
I know I know. I’ll be patient and I will not write again. But given that he hasn’t heard from me in two months, it is so disappointing that he wouldnt write back right away. I’m just feeling hopeless and shattered today. I somehow held on to this “NC plan”, thinking that it would really work.October 23, 2014 at 9:17 pm #13014
sorry to hear that. keep it cool though…
my ex stopped contacting me for more than a month now and already returned all my stuff. he responds if I contact him (although I believe he’s more resistant to that); we ran into each other a couple of times lately and he talked to me (well, he couldn’t hide from me) but he does not initiate contact. in fact, he completely ignores me. I congratulated him for his success, he thanked me, but he knew I was going for an important job test and he never asked me how it went. he doesn’t care and he didn’t even care to return my gesture. not even that. he’s just showing off how great his life is now that I’m out of it, that marriage/relationships are a stupid thing, and making sweet and friendly posts about or to his LD girlfriend. (He has hidden posts from me so if I can read those it’s because he chose to). I don’t understand why he treats me like I’ve never existed, like we don’t have a 12 year bond, and like I don’t have feelings, like he’s resenting me (I even thought sending him an apologize letter recently just in case), since he’s the dumper and since he said he wanted us to be friends and keep being part of each others’ life.
I went 2 months of low-low contact, one of no contact, but updating my fb, then tried to approach him as a friend, but he’s just being more distant and sometimes really insensitive in his selfishness. So, I can’t say I have an advice for you – I don’t! I’m a wreck – but this is what I’m doing now: after being cool and sweet to him and getting nothing in return I’m going to disappear from his radar for at least a month. This is all just too painful.October 24, 2014 at 7:02 am #13064
Well I’m going to start NC again. What else can I do. But I feel so broken. I’m going to be back in his city in a month and I want so much to see him. But what can I do if he won’t even respond to my simple, friendly, fun email.
Dealing with his silence now is even harder than the almost two months of keeping NC. I was so hoping it would “work” and I just don’t think, in my case, that it is. It has only been five days now but I know him – and I know email – if he doesnt respond in five days that means he is not going to respond. I said, in my email, that I’ll be back in town in a month for an interview, and he doesnt even care enough to write back to ask me what interview, to ask me how I am, to say how glad he is for me. Nothing. It hurts so much. he hasnt heard from me in two months and I’ve been away starting a new life in these two months. I’ve been good and strong and not contacted him once. I feel broken now.October 24, 2014 at 7:05 am #13065
Bee sorry I meant to respond to you to say thank you for writing, and I’m so sorry that you’re more or less in my boat. Like you, I’m going to go “off his radar” for a month too. Unlike you, I dont even have facebook, so that’s not an issue. But I’ll be back in his town in a month and I don’t know what to do. Should I reach out to him again just before I arrive? Or not? We have a group of common friends, and I’m definitely going to try to see them when I’m in town. But do I not include him in a group email that I send out? Or what should I do? (assuming he doesnt contact me between now and then). I fly out on Nov 20th. I will keep NC till then, unless he responds…October 24, 2014 at 7:54 am #13073
yes, it really sucks, right? I’ve never felt a pain this strong.
If he doesn’t even reply to your friendly emails ignore him. Do not include him in the group email, go see your friends. If by chance you ran into him (can happen but don’t over think it) act nicely and friendly, act and be the happy you, but don’t drag the conversation, just a brief catch up, a little chat if he responds well, and then focus on your friends, the ones who actually talk to you. you’re lucky to still have them, I lost all our mutual friends. some avoid me, some ignore me, he was the link between us, but there’s no reason for them to be act like this.
the first time I ran into my ex I just wanted to keep talking to him forever but I knew one: I couldn’t and two: I was with a friend (I’m trying to find new ones but not only I can’t relate to anyone, this guy really is possessive and annoying). So this friend started to act jealousy, my ex kind of looked weird when he saw him, and then I missed the moment. This guy was constantly nagging until my ex said: “well, I have to go”…it made me want to delete that guy!! on one side his nagging made me not drag the conversation, on the other hand I didn’t stop the talking in a nice way. I was stopped after this nagger push my ex away. After that we pretended we didn’t see each other the rest of the night, even though we were facing each other many times. I saw him turning face to me and looking at me and then he left like he was mad, fed up or annoyed by my presence. We saw each other after that and I kept the same friendly and happy attitude, but I felt like he’s just doing me a favor. even if he may feel some jealousy to see me with guys, he doesn’t want me around. He’s just being polite. The next day his fb is all about his LD gf (and she reacts) and he’s great life…
so…honestly, don’t feel bad for not include him in your friends group. You’ve tried, you showed him you’re there and you’re cool but he’s not making an effort.
let’s be strong.October 24, 2014 at 6:56 pm #13193
Thank you Bee for the advice, and for taking the time to read and comment. I’m so sorry that you’re in a similar situation. For me, it’s day 6 (since I wrote to him after keeping NC for 53 days), and no response. I don’t know what to do. I’m so sad.
I will be back in his town in a month. I will keep your advice and write to all my friends and try to meet up with everyone, but I’ll not write to him again. Not unless he responds to me.
(yes, I’m lucky that all our friends are my friends too; not one of them has “dropped” me as a friend, but we’re all in our 30s, so I think that just comes from maturity… not sure how old you are but I’d be shocked if people in their mid-late 30s “drop” or “side” with one person after a couple breaks up; at any rate, that’s not the case with me. he has some really good guy friends who are closer to him than to me, and I’m sure they feel a bit awkward around me , but not enough to forgo our friendship. For which I’m grateful)
I just can’t believe he hasn’t written back. Kevin, if you’re reading this, please advise. What should I do?October 24, 2014 at 6:59 pm #13195otheroneParticipant
- Total Posts: 156
in a couple of weeks/month/months, send him a text or email? just something casual. youve probably given him a lot to think about..
could you give me some advice on my situation?October 25, 2014 at 8:47 am #13259
🙂 so be shocked: we’re in our 30s and 40s (more 40s). they are very self centered. They don’t waste time with people who do not benefit them, but I miss them. At least I miss the social life I had, to be surrounded with people who like the same things I do, with who I could be myself to a very good extent, miss the familiarity.
Now, without wanting to give you false hopes or increase your pain, only based on how my ex acts – politely though he couldn’t care less about me -: the fact that your ex doesn’t answer you can mean he still feels something. on the other hand he can be emotionally busy with someone who is physically around and he doesn’t want to show her he’s still attached to you.
My ex answers me and doesn’t initiate contact, because he doesn’t care and doesn’t want me back, and because he’s in a LD relationship, so they can’t control each other that well and demand who they can and cannot talk to. however, he doesn’t interact with me on social media, maybe because he fears she can see it, maybe because he fears his friends’ reaction (I’m starting to believe he played the victim after the break up and his friends told him he was better off without me. I made the mistake of telling his friends what he did to me and of course they now think I’m a witch. they don’t care if I’ve suffered in silence, they think I’m a witch for finally letting out some things…so I guess I screwed things a LOT)
Just in case, when you meet your friends: look GREAT! like you were when you met your ex and better. If he sees you, he’ll remember the good old but improved you. My didn’t care, but he complimented me. He said it’s obvious that guys fall easily in love with me. Good right? 🙂 no, because he doesn’t care. However, do look great. It will make you feel like a winner, no matter what happens.October 25, 2014 at 9:05 am #13262JCsquaredParticipant
- Total Posts: 2
Staying positive should be one your top priorities. Take this time to focus on yourself. This could be a great time to learn more about what makes you happy and do more of that. If After 60days and still no contact from him. I would move onOctober 29, 2014 at 8:31 am #13839
Nine days and still no response from him. I am being strong and keeping a new NC.
But my heart is broken anew. So, my conclusion is that NC doesnt work , guys; not always. I suppose I have no choice but to move on. But I love him still.October 29, 2014 at 8:49 am #13843pixie25Participant
- Total Posts: 40
This is the reason why I am avoiding texting my ex, for fear of rejection again.
Instead of looking at the negatives though, you should congratulate yourself for having the confidence to reach out and going for something you want 🙂
(i’m 47 days no contact)October 29, 2014 at 12:31 pm #13873
Keep going, Pixie25! It’s a really terrible feeling to contact the ex after almost two months of NC and get no response back. So, if you can manage it, I’d advise you to keep NC forever… it hurts too much to cross off the NC days, one by one, to feel proud for getting to two months, and then to reach out to your ex, as Kevin suggests we do, and find that there is no response at all. If you can, keep it up forever!
And thank you for reminding me to be proud of myself for having tried; but I’d gently suggest that you – and anyone else who might be reading – don’t.October 30, 2014 at 3:43 pm #14086
Ugh. Heart breaking all over again. Not a word from him, it’s been over ten days now.
Losing all hope. Shattered. Discouraged.
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