Delayed/Repeated NC

Good girl! I’m going to go running in a bit as well!

I cried everyday for over a month. Yesterday was the first day I didn’t and it’s been 6 weeks since the breakup. I still have moments of sadness but less and less everyday!

Hi Pixie, Just wanted to say, take a deeeeeep breath before you break NC. Maybe keep my situation – which you already know of – in mind before you write to your ex? I too, kept NC for 53 days, then wrote him a casual, fun, short email – following Kevin’s instructions as closely as I could – and it’s been 13 days and NO response from him. It might not be the same for you, of course, but just keep it in mind that he might not respond, and that might plunge you back into the deepest despair. Whereas now you’re better and stronger than before. So think about it. I’m not saying don’t write – you should do whatever feels best and right – but do take a deep breath before you make the move! Maybe a text rather than an email? Kevin actually suggests that. Either way, GOOD LUCK, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you. Let us know how it goes, if you do break your NC.

Hi Pixie25, very similar to your situation: the last conversation I had with him before the 53 day break was actually a meeting, over coffee, where we met to say bye (because I was leaving town/country). I followed Kevin;s instructions then too: looked my best, kept the conversation very light, did not mention relationship/break up at all, and made sure I was the first to leave. He hugged me goodbye and I kept it a very brief, friendly hug. I could have sworn he wanted to hug me closer, and maybe even kiss me. He looked deep into my eyes, but I just waved and walked away and didn’t look back. I was SOOOOO proud of myself for that. He’d said that day that he would write to me. He didn’t, and hasn’t. I’d left him a handwritten note and a book as a present (for his birthday, which was coming up) in his office, which he would have found pretty soon after our coffee . He never wrote to acknowledge the gift; he never wrote to ask how I’m doing in this new life; he never wrote, period. For 53 days. Then I wrote – two weeks ago – to mention casually that I’ll be back in his city/country for a week in end Nov, and it would be fun to meet up with some other friends. No response. It is baffling. I don’t know what to do. But I’m not contacting him again.

Good luck to you, whatever you do. Just don’t let it destroy you, if he doesn’t respond if you send him an email. Maybe a text would be better? (I didn’t sent him a text, as he wouldn’t know my new number – as I;m in a new country now – and I thought email would be better.) I’ve no idea what;s going on in his mind. It’s been many months since our actual break up (April). Maybe he just doesn’t care about me at all. That is the likeliest scenario, if I’m being perfectly honest with myself. I have no hope any more. And I’m resolved not to ever contact him again unless he reaches out to me.

I’m OK with that, and I have accepted that we’re never getting back together. I’m in pain, but I’ve accepted the reality.

Hope it helps you a bit to hear my sob story! But I hope yours will have a much happier ending than mine.

Hi Pixie25, you know, now that you’ve said a bit more about your story, I think your situation is actually far more encouraging than mine – and I don’t think your last exchange, 53 days ago, was “a mistake” at all. It’s a good sign that he responded, and a great thing that he said he missed you, and it is great that you left it at that and didn’t follow up or respond in any way. This means you took all your power back!

I agree that he is sending you mixed messages, but I don’t think your case is perhaps as straightforward as mine – I really think my ex doesn’t love or miss me at all, and probably never did; I think he just feels bad that he hurt me so much, and probably feels guilty too, and doesn’t want to see me ever again. I think when we met for coffee he was really saying, in his own way, sorry, and the fact that he didn’t actually kiss me means a lot.

In your case, I do get a sense that your ex is struggling with his decision to break up, and trying to be consistent (Kevin explains that guys really want to do that), trying to figure out what he wants, but still holding on to you.

I think it’s wonderful that you’ve been able to keep NC for 53 days – you should feel proud of your strength – in your situation, I’m not sure I’d have managed it. Now, break it, but make sure not to say anything like “I miss you” “I love you” “why did you break my heart” etc – nothing about the relationship or breakup, nothing emotional. Just reach out as you would to a friend. See if he responds. One text, that’s it. Can you maybe come up with something that reminded you of him – as Kevin suggests – and just say, for ex, “hey I walked past x today, or saw Y today, and it reminded me of that time we’d done Z. How’re you doing”
Something like that?

WOW! Good girl!!! Why are you panicking?? Four replies is GREAT! I didnt even get one 🙁 🙁 I’m so jealous….!
What did he say? What did you say initially?
Maybe dont respond for an hour or so?

Just wait it out, don’t write again, hopefully he will write to you. If he doesn’t, maybe in a few days send him another text? Maybe you’re already at the stage where you can playfully create a sort of texting relationship, and then, after a few days, see if you can try to meet? Or maybe that;s just too much too soon. For now, just enjoy the fact that he responded, immediately, and keep him guessing. Follow Kevin’s advice! keep your cool. Remember, you can’t show him that you want to get back with him! Good for you for trying!