Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
I honestly have no idea about the future. A long time has passed now but miracles can happen 🙂 I too hope things will get more concrete between you and your ex soon.
Perhaps he is just stressed out due to his exams – give him some time and see what happens when he moves back. Things should be progressing a bit more then if you guys are on the right track.
I ran into my ex recently and to my surprise, he told me that he had got a gift for me from his travels (pretty unusual for him, btw). Then we had a pleasant conversation and I asked him how his travel was. He replied that “things were quiet” so I inferred that he might not have been in a great “mood” to have fun. haha (devilish laugh!) We then agreed that we should catch up soon. It’s his birthday next week and now that things are looking up once again, I am thinking of getting him a gift too. Any thoughts?
Hi Leogirl
any new updates since your last post?
sorry, been totally out of the picture for a while – got busy with work and other things. I do agree that some of his views were a little bizarre though…
Hard to say – I have been asking myself the same thing about my own situation over and over again and I do not have an answer. Besides, love alone is not enough, you know? This guy may love you but then there may be other things going through his mind – for example, compatibility issues, long term perspective, sharing same goals in life – just to name a few…these days, I feel that love is often overpowered by excessive calculations/judgements. You should not beat yourself up because you do not have control over these things anyway.
Hey Jackie
One week is not much time and neither is even one month…we women tend to freak out if we have no communication with the guy for one month while this is absolutely normal for many men out there. Remember, he said he was not ready for a relationship. So if he came back now after just one week and told you he was ready, would you actually believe him? I would not. Try to distract yourself from what seems to be like a waiting game (in reality, there may be no game at all and who knows, this guy is peacefully moving on with his life meanwhile..). The sooner you start accepting the reality (that he may not return or it may take a long time to hear from him again), the earlier your recovery can kick off. Easier said than done, I agree, but I am sure you can do this. Good luck!
I think you have already conveyed to him that you want to meet up. The ball is in his court now and it’s on him to make it happen. I would not do anything else.
Hi
In reality, you do not owe her anything. Her request may be genuine or she may use this as a way to check what’s going on and why you have been silent (obviously, she is intrigued about it and cannot understand why you do not keep chasing her). Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and say her request is real. So if you want to send her what she asked for, do it in your own time. If you make it a priority and do it NOW, she will take it as a sign that she continues to have enormous power over you. You should avoid giving out that message.
Your answer to her request was good, in my opinion. Take a few days or a week from now and then send her the stuff. But keep it polite and very short – and if she tries to make further conversation, you can choose to not respond anymore and just keep moving on. I remind you, you owe her nothing at this stage.
Good luck with your recovery! You are doing amazing!Laura
When men say that a relationship is over, you should listen because they are telling the truth. According to him,
– he is a soldier and that means he will leave Korea when his deployment is over. This means he does not want to get too involved with anyone because that will break his heart. Selfish, I know, but people often think like this.
– he is on Tinder because he is away from home and feels lonely – so he just wants to hook up and have some fun, possibly without the girlfriend-type commitment. Nobody can blame him since Tinder is pretty famous for quick hookups and nothing else, so this guy is doing nothing wrong.
– I am also getting the vibe that your relationship has fizzled out and he has been moving on ever since the breakup. That tells me again that he did not really want a commitment with you. So he seems to be moving on pretty easily which I know, hurts as hell.
Given the points I have made above, I doubt NC will ever change his thinking and behavior. Well, he confessed everything to your friend and, as hard as it may be, you should use the NC to help you move on. From the information you provided in your post, I think you are wasting your time on this guy.
It’s unfortunate that this has happened to you. The way I see this is you are not to blame. Here are a few points that you could consider:
– guys often get cold feet when they feel a relationship is getting too deep, too fast. They don’t feel ready to deal with the commitment and they start pulling back. For us, women, this is hurtful and insensitive; it’s hard to understand why. What’s worse is that most of these men will not even openly admit to being commitment-phobes. So in a way I do appreciate this guy for coming out in the open and being honest with you.
– when a guy tells you he is not “ready”, then you should take his words at face value. He is not lying. If he is not ready, there is nothing you can do to “convince” him to return other than respect his need to be away and hope that one day he will realise how much he misses you and wants to be back together. In fact, if you start begging or pleading with him to reconsider, this will only backfire and push him further away from you.
I know you have invested a lot of your emotions in this relationship and that’s alright. If nothing too bad has happened between you two and you have separated in decent terms, chances are high, this guy will one day return to you if his feelings are strong. But you need to be patient. Start the NC, give him plenty of time and space – a few good weeks or even 2-3 months – during this time, do not wait by the phone or stalk him on social media. This will only make you go crazy. Instead, try to focus on yourself – go out with your friends, travel, learn something new, visit the gym more often.
Finally, there is little point feeling anxious that he may never get in touch with you again. I can assure you that this guy will not forget you during the NC; in fact, the NC will make him think of you far more often than you think. If his feelings are strong yet he is afraid of dealing with reality, most likely he will return once he has processed everything in his mind and knows what to do next. On the other hand, if you reach out in a couple of months and he does not respond or his response is just lukewarm, then you’ve got your answer anyway and you can start moving on.
Good luck!
Reading your story I am getting the impression that you started caring more for her after you actually lost her. It looks like you took her for granted for a long time but she put up with it and went along, but not indefinitely. The problem is that your behaviour was killing the “spark” slowly but surely. So when she told you that there was no spark, you’d better believe her. The loss did not happen overnight, contrary to what you think.
She looks like she is moving on and trying to re-build her life and frankly, I cannot blame her. I was once in her situation and boy, it’s painful when the guy does not give a damn about you…Needless to say, we broke up and never got back together despite my intense feelings for him.
The best you could do is work on your own issues first and give up the thought of trying to get her back for now. Because even if you do, chances are it may not last.
Sadly, people do not change unless they themselves see a compelling reason to change. I mean, yes, they often act as if they had changed for a while until they fix their current problem (getting the ex back) and then slowly they lapse into their old selves. And that’s the most common reason why it’s incredibly hard to sustain the relationship even after getting your ex back.There is no magic trick to get this girl to come back to you. She may or may not. However, if you take time out to learn from your mistakes and improve yourself, you will know how to make the most of the next opportunity that comes along.
His response makes things so much easier on you as you do not need to reach out first 🙂
so that problem is now solved.I feel it’s great that he wants to talk whether it’s good or bad news. Without talking you will constantly struggle figuring out what the hell is going on with you two. So wait for a couple of days and respond in a light-hearted manner that talking is a great idea and help him arrange time/location.
See what he responds and then let’s take it from there 🙂
I think you have handled things pretty well minus sending that “closure” letter. I have learnt through experience that it’s great to write countless letters but never actually send them. But you did, so lets look at where you stand right now.
– there is something suspicious about your ex – something does not add up. He started behaving odd a long time ago and the first vibe I got was that he might be interested in someone else, possibly someone from his school. I am not saying that he was actively cheating but perhaps, emotional cheating and possibly waiting for a chance to break things up with you in order to get more involved elsewhere. Any thoughts of whether this could be true?
– if he is not interested in or seeing anyone else, then he is either really confused about what he wants in this relationship or he is no longer emotionally invested as much as you are. Frankly speaking, his talk about how you may be heading into different directions is most likely just BS, a diplomatic way out and I would not buy into that.
– I understand you want him back now however first of all, take some time to think about the points I have listed above. You are the best person to evaluate the situation and the dynamics of your interaction with him. I get he is a poor communicator but that is not a legitimate excuse for him not to reach out to you.
Since you guys come from the same town, I think it will be easy to run into each other during holidays. That’s the best way to test the waters before diving in. Try to “run into him” and then have a casual chat, see how he acts towards you, whether he is just being polite and avoids looking straight into your eyes, OR whether he is relaxed, fun, makes intense eye contact and compliments you. This will help you figure out how to move forward.
Personally I would not text/call/email him at this point because you already sent out the goodbye letter. If you do, he will think the letter was a just ploy to make him panic and reach out to you. As a result, your future actions may lose credibility in his eyes and you do not want that.
Nothing.
If that happens, it can mean – 1) you both need more time apart, talk about a few months or even a year or more to process what happened. Or 2) your ex no longer feels strongly about a relationship and as a result is moving on.
