LauraH

Hi Elmira

I was reading you story and was stunned at how identical it is with mine. This is my story! My eyes literally welled with tears as I read some of the things you went through. Like you, I have been through this struggle with a very similar guy for over one year now. Here are a few points.

First, stop blaming yourself for something you did not do. Sadly, your ex is emotionally unavailable and no matter what you do, you cannot change him unless he sees a reason to change on his own. His hot-and-cold behavior drove you to extremes. No, you are NOT a stalker, you are a human being who needs some attention, care and affection – something he refused to provide but expected from you.

Second, he is a terrible emotional manipulator – (just like my ex); he knows very well how to make you do what he wants and for how long he wants. Try not to fall for it again. The scenes you described of him kneeling down and sobbing have left me speechless…I can assure you, he can pull all this off and even more if need be.

I will tell you what I keep telling myself every day (and still find hard to come to terms with )- he appears to be selfish and emotionally unavailable in that he is not ready to make any space in his life for a relationship with you. For my ex everything else seemed more important than me. When we were on a date, he would leave me early because he had an important call to attend and had to return to his office. To get to spend just a little time with him, I constantly had to plead, beg, squeeze myself into his schedule. This madness started to take its toll on my self esteem because it made me feel I was completely worthless to him (or else why he would not actively try to spend some time with me, I kept wondering…); like you, I have never been a needy, clingy woman but my ex’s behaviour triggered that. That’s when I realised something was terribly wrong. I was becoming someone I didn’t know. So I stepped back and cut all contact. A few months later, we resumed talking but I still could not see any clear evidence of him improving his behaviour. I felt he was trying to manipulate me into believing he had, but he could not sustain it for long. He did something really hurtful a couple of weeks ago and ever since I have stayed away from him. People do not change just because we want them to. I am beginning to feel some sort of emotional fatigue as a result of experiencing the same nonsense again and again…

Sorry I do not have encouraging words for you. Normally I never go down without a good fight for what I want, but cases like this yours and mine do not really give you many options. I know you are hurting terribly and you will for a long time. The advice I have for you is continue your NC and try to move on. It will save you some heartache in the process. On a brighter note, he may realise that he needs to change to be with you and and that would be fantastic. However that’s his problem and his change, so he will need to take care of it on his own. If he DOES change, then there is a hope. But as of now, this hope looks dim to me.

Sounds pretty positive to me. Did you guys talk about meeting on Thursday? How did he react?

Hayley,

Your ex appears to be furious and he is taking revenge by deleting your contacts and other things. Do not let this affect you. He may do it on purpose to hurt you. He is the one who broke up with you so there is not much you can do right now other than step back and allow him to cool down. That’s where the benefit of the NC comes in – both of you can take time apart and reflect on the causes of your breakup and how you can make things better the next time around. Time heals many wounds; if true feelings exist on both sides, your ex may try to get back in touch later on. If he does not, then you will need to accept the reality and move on with your life.

If I were you, I would stay away from the social media madness for a while – because it plays with your mind to the extent that it can get obsessive to keep checking on him and his activities. This will only stall your progress in moving on.

I would write something like this – here is an example…

“Hey, X – wazzup? Cant make it on Thursday, sorry. Got a full plate before leaving town. Raincheck for July? ”

if he says yes to July – reply with a positive tone:

“Lovely, looking forward to it”
and leave it at that.

I would wait until Wednesday evening to send this out – because you never know, you may get second thoughts about it and want to show up…Keep your options open for now..

Hmmmm…it’s a hard decision, indeed – maybe it would help taking some time to reflect a little before this meeting; ask yourself a few questions:

– what do I want/expect from this meeting?
– could he have changed in such a short time and is repenting it all? (unlikely, but…)
– what can he possibly tell me now that 1) I do not know already or 2) is credible/reliable for the future?
– if the meeting goes miserably, how will I cope after that?

And most importantly, if you choose to meet him, it helps to tell yourself beforehand that no matter how hard he may try to provoke you, you will NOT be nasty and b*tchy; instead you will respond with a smile and a positive attitude (you can of course cry later on when you are alone but he should never know!). You will be surprised – guys love to bring out the worst in women during a breakup so that they can throw it back at them later… Don’t fall into the trap, you will thank yourself down the road 🙂

Hi Ann

Two months is a long time and your ex could use it to figure out where he stands. I hope he will. Nevertheless try not to keep your hopes too high though… Just make sure you see clear evidence that he is a changed man and genuinely cares and wants to be with you in the future. Easier said than done, I know.

I am sure this experience will make you stronger and give you a different perspective of relationships in the future. Re-building your self-esteem is far from easy but I am sure you can do it if you set your mind to it. Once you survive the first few weeks of NC, you will sense some inner peace and even some relief. This will help you reflect on what transpired between you two and how you can do it better the next time around when you meet someone amazing. Good luck!