Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Leogirl
I too share this hope. Even though at the bottom of my heart I know for a fact that my ex is not the right man for me, I cant help hoping that one day he will just reach out, sincerely apologize and make my heart melt again. It’s natural to hope…
At the same time, I know him and he rarely does apologize and if I try to be realistic, it’s just impossible to sustain a healthy relationship with someone like that. The emotion-reason conflict is killing me…how old are you two?
Maybe she is not ready for something too serious. From her behaviour, I gather she may not be looking to settle down anytime soon …I don’t want to sound negative here but I reckon that one day she got enough of bad treatment/arguing and she felt she deserved better. So she left you. I cannot blame her.
At this moment you can only cut all contact and give her space and time to decide what’s best for herself. Meanwhile identify your weaknesses in this relationship and actively work to address them. Just getting her back without working on yourself first will not result in a solid relationship.
You need time and perseverance. It looks to me that you may have some anger issues that you need to address. Physical abuse is a crime, I once dumped a boyfriend for twisting my arm. I never looked back after that despite him pleading with me to take him back. This says it all I guess
Seek professional help if necessary and try to become a better man if you want a chance at happiness, either with her or someone else.
Hi
you know what they say, “hope dies last”. I can understand that you keep hoping one day he will return to you. And he might. For a while. Then he may leave again if he finds “better” opportunities elsewhere. So I am asking you: “Are you ready to deal with these blows on a regular basis? Can you afford to go through this ongoing hot-cold process with a guy whom you cannot rely upon?” On the other hand, if you look for nothing serious with him and can take it easy, probably as friends with benefits or something, this looks like the ideal way to go. That’s what he himself may be looking for.
Sorry I cannot be positive about him – but I can recognize this pattern from a mile …they only cause grief and suffering.@ Soupy
Hi, thanks for asking…
I have been feeling pretty low for the past week – in fact, I posted the update on Leogirl’s thread – and I will copy and paste it here (as I should have) –
here it is:
I am going through a rough time myself. My ex and I seemed to hit it off pretty well for the past 6 weeks or so when last time an unpleasant incident happened. I made some food for him (he does not cook) and when I waited to give it to him, he suddenly accused me of playing some game on him; suddenly he turned around and entered his office building leaving me there with the food container in my hands, feeling humiliated and stupid. When I finally had some time to myself, I spent it weeping. That happened last Wednesday; after the incident, I texted him asking what was going on. He thanked me for the thought (of cooking for him and bringing it over) but he does not play “the game”. I replied that I was confused about the game he was talking about. Nothing further ever since. I know he is busy but of course, he could at least send an apology. Nobody works for 12 hours nonstop. At this point, I am pretty determined to let this be for the time being – he just does not have the right to behave so disrespectfully towards me. If I ignore the incident and behave as if nothing had happened by initiating something, I basically convey to him that I am fine with all the crap he is pulling off. Which I am not. Silence should speak volumes, far more than arguing and justifying…Unless he does something to apologize (which he may not based on past experience), this is the end for me.I’m thinking of this every day and as much as I would like to be with this man (I am still crazy about him and his childish behaviour hurts like hell!), I am doubtful about the future.
Finally – I have detected a subtle pattern in his behaviour: each time I get closer to him (both physically (hugs) and emotionally – actually we have never had sex), he seems to be pushing me away through some artificially-created drama – like the one on Wednesday. The irony is, there has been an intense physical attraction between us for over a year and it has not subsided at all. So then, why is he such a fool? I guess, I will never understand…
any thoughts?
Laura
I think both of you are hurting a lot at the moment and there is no point trying to talk and ask for explanations. He will not be able to explain to you much right now. This is why, doing a long NC will help both you understand what went wrong with the relationship. If feelings are intense and the connection between you two is strong, there is nothing to worry about; he will also want to see you again in a few months and perhaps give the relationship another try. But you need to be patient, mind your own life for now and stop chasing him for explanations. It’s not only a waste of time but also a waste of energy and strength. Start focusing on yourself (without him) – take it one day at a time and you will see, things will start getting better.
Hi Karina
If your boyfriend moved on in just 28 days, the truth is, his feelings may never have been so strong to start with. Trust me, nobody who is truly in love can move on so fast.
Has he entered another relationship? Is he dating someone else?I know you are hurting and very upset. As a result, you will not think clearly right now.
So take time away from him – start NC immediately but do not do it just with the hope that one day he will realise that he is love with you and will come back. Do it for yourself – you are the one who was emotionally abused by this man, you are the one who needs to recover. If I were you, I would pack all the things he gifted me into a box and put it away. It helps focus away from him. When you start the NC, resist the temptation of contacting him – do not do it. Instead, talk to your family or best friends, pour out your sorrows to them. Start going out more, get some fresh air from this entire story- perhaps you can travel somewhere, maybe visit some relative in a different town or country? Take up something you wanted to do – maybe learning something new, going to the gym, or a dance class…socialise with your friends more.
You will see that life will get easier once you survive the first few weeks without him.There are no fixed guidelines on how “to fill the void” – you will need to experiment and see what works for you. Everyone is different in their coping strategies. Whenever I feel hurt and upset, I write letters to my ex – and I never post them. I tell myself every day that I am strong enough to get over this, that by all signs he may not love me as much as I love him so why would I want to be with someone like that in the first place? That would never work out anyway… this self-talk works wonders for me; while it does not make me happy, it keeps me from wanting to reach out to him.
See what works for you. Good luck!
Hey Vk
This news should actually help your emotional recovery and get over this girl for good. You see, as I wrote before, she is not worth your tears and pain. It will take you some time to regain your peace but I am sure you can do it.
Hi Leogirl
that’s sad. You must be hurting a lot. My take on this is he is not at a stage in his life where he would be ready to commit to you or anyone else. His acts tell me he is not serious and he does not realise (yet) that he is about to lose you for good. I would do indefinite NC on this guy going forward.
Just to add to misery – I am going through a rough time myself. My ex and I seemed to hit it off pretty well for the past 6 weeks or so when last time an unpleasant incident happened. I made some food for him (he does not cook) and when I waited to give it to him, he suddenly accused me of paying some game on him; after that he turned around and entered his office leaving me there with the food container in my hands, feeling humiliated and stupid. When I finally had some time to myself, I spent it weeping. That happened last Wednesday; after the incident, I texted him asking what was going on. He thanked me for the thought (of cooking for him and bringing it over) but he does not play “the game”. I replied that I was confused about the game he was talking about. Nothing further and today is sunday. At this point, I am pretty determined to let this be for good – he just does not have the right to behave so disrespectfully towards me. By ignoring this, I am just showing him that I am fine with all the crap he is pulling off. In other words, unless he apologizes (which he usually never does based on past experience), this is the end for me.
I know I have hijacked your thread – sorry – let me know your thoughts.
Meanwhile, lets stay strong and believe in ourselves. This too shall pass 🙂
good luck to you.Do you have any close family members or a best friend to whom you can turn for for emotional support? I feel you need to reach out to someone (apart from this woman).
I feel she is behaving erratically with you and thus stirring your emotions further. I know, it’s easy to say but it’s pointless to obsess over someone who really does not deserve you at all – I take that from your posts. Sorry for being harsh, but I cannot see here a single evidence that she has love for you; no way! when someone loves, he/she behaves totally different from how she acts towards you. So be kind to yourself and save yourself further heartache. I sincerely doubt she could ever sustain a long-term relationship with you.At this moment you are so vulnerable and hurting and your self-esteem is pretty low.At this point you think she is the only woman on planet Earth for you. It’s understandable, we all on this board have been in your position. But it’s up to you to decide if this is the life you want to live in the future (chasing after her each time she throws a bone at you and putting your heart on the line whenever she decides on a whim to unblock you again for a day or two) OR you want to start making some changes to a better self – someone who can get out of a toxic relationship with someone abusive and who can re-build his strength of mind, confidence and optimism.
In the end it’s your call but I would suggest you take time out and think of all these things deeply. You would be surprised with the outcome.Hi
Nice to hear that you have kicked off your NC – it’s not going to be a smooth ride but you can do this! Good luck and keep us posted.
I know it sounds harsh but all you could do to preserve your sanity is cut all contact with this man and move on. Even if he comes back for yet another chance, ignore his attempts. It looks to me that this man has placed you on the backburner and only returns when he runs out of options. Sorry, but I cannot think of anything else to justify his behaviour. If you want to be happy again, learn to live without him and focus on your personal growth.
Sorry, I just saw that you were asking for advice on how to survive the NC period.
First, try not to look at it as a magic trick that will return your boyfriend to you in 30 days. That may or may not happen. The NC period can be any amount of time from one day to years…each person is wired differently and requires a different amount of time.
Second, the NC period is designed to help YOU get over the excruciating pain you are feeling right now and start looking forward to a future that may not include your current boyfriend. Take this time out to grieve – I used to cry almost every day for the first two months following my breakup. Then start re-building yourself – set your own goals to pursue- for example, increase your fitness level, get a qualification or a better job, learn a language or travel to a place you always wanted to see. These are, of course, examples you can customise based on your background and interests.
Third, reaching out to your network of close family and friends helps a lot, especially in the initial stage of the NC. Having someone to talk to, someone who is non-judgemental, means the world, really. Do you have a best friend or a family member that you can call late at night when you feel lonely and desperate?
Finally – and this is my own opinion, I would erase all contact information of this guy – no more social media, no phone number (having it makes it easy to reach out each time you feel weak). If you have common friends, I would politely ask them to stop mentioning anything about him because you are trying to move on.
Hope this helps, good luck!
I do not know your full story but perhaps I can give you some insight into what’s going on. First, let me say that I understand the pain you are going through. I also understand that you are terribly upset and frustrated right now that things have not worked out the way you wanted. How old are you btw?
In my opinion, at this stage no matter what you do and how hard you try – pleading, begging, crying, arguing, etc – will not bring your boyfriend back to you. Why? Because these acts have told him that he is dealing with a needy, desperate woman who would do anything, just anything, to be with him. Interestingly, research in this area has shown that guys do NOT want these women because they scare the hell out of them. Men want women who are incredibly confident, independent (can be happy on their own without a guy around if need be), busy with their own lives and FUN. As soon as they feel that a woman becomes a burden to put up with, they back off and run away, because, hey, they have never signed up for this in the first place!
Coming back to your situation – the earlier you understand that you cannot do much to rescue this relationship at this moment, the sooner you can kick off your recovery process. I am not saying here that your boyfriend will never want to get back to you, no; in fact, if you genuinely give him time and space as well as take your own time to work on yourself (basically, become the woman described above – independent, fun, confident, and so on), I can assure you that this guy will return to seek you out if he has true feelings for you. If he does not, it’s his loss not yours because by then you would have moved on with life and perhaps met someone amazing.
