How to fill the void?

Hi Karina

If your boyfriend moved on in just 28 days, the truth is, his feelings may never have been so strong to start with. Trust me, nobody who is truly in love can move on so fast.
Has he entered another relationship? Is he dating someone else?

I know you are hurting and very upset. As a result, you will not think clearly right now.
So take time away from him – start NC immediately but do not do it just with the hope that one day he will realise that he is love with you and will come back. Do it for yourself – you are the one who was emotionally abused by this man, you are the one who needs to recover. If I were you, I would pack all the things he gifted me into a box and put it away. It helps focus away from him. When you start the NC, resist the temptation of contacting him – do not do it. Instead, talk to your family or best friends, pour out your sorrows to them. Start going out more, get some fresh air from this entire story- perhaps you can travel somewhere, maybe visit some relative in a different town or country? Take up something you wanted to do – maybe learning something new, going to the gym, or a dance class…socialise with your friends more.
You will see that life will get easier once you survive the first few weeks without him.

There are no fixed guidelines on how “to fill the void” – you will need to experiment and see what works for you. Everyone is different in their coping strategies. Whenever I feel hurt and upset, I write letters to my ex – and I never post them. I tell myself every day that I am strong enough to get over this, that by all signs he may not love me as much as I love him so why would I want to be with someone like that in the first place? That would never work out anyway… this self-talk works wonders for me; while it does not make me happy, it keeps me from wanting to reach out to him.

See what works for you. Good luck!

I think both of you are hurting a lot at the moment and there is no point trying to talk and ask for explanations. He will not be able to explain to you much right now. This is why, doing a long NC will help both you understand what went wrong with the relationship. If feelings are intense and the connection between you two is strong, there is nothing to worry about; he will also want to see you again in a few months and perhaps give the relationship another try. But you need to be patient, mind your own life for now and stop chasing him for explanations. It’s not only a waste of time but also a waste of energy and strength. Start focusing on yourself (without him) – take it one day at a time and you will see, things will start getting better.

Dear Karina,

You are not alone in this! My ex told me the exact same things: I don’t love you anymore, I’ve moved on, you’re not good for me, I love someone else. I know that every time you hear that, your heart drops and you want to rip it out of your chest. And yes, he did move on very fast, making me question the intensity of his love to begin with. Did he never love me? Does he love her more than me? Is that possible? You can drive yourself crazy with these questions. Your wounds are still fresh, I’ve been in this no man’s land for almost 2 years now. So allow me to share some advice from someone who’s been through this already.

First: don’t ever blame yourself! It’s not your fault. Of course you made mistakes. But it’s never one person’s fault. And remember, you loved him no matter what, you accepted him with all his mistakes and vices. Why couldn’t he do the same? Why was it easier for him to give up rather than work thru issues? I think that tells more about his personality than yours. Did he communicate well with you when you had fights? My ex totally shut me out every time we argued, he never wanted to talk about it and preferred to ignore issues until he “calmed down”. So it’s no wonder that he prefered just giving up and moving on fast when things got rough. You need to accept it and stop blaming yourself.
Second: you need to mirror his behavior. He moved on? Tells you he’s done? Do the same. Disappear from his life completely. No contact, no social media, just disapper. I did that for 8 months and I can’t tell you how much that helped. Not only was I able to truly move on but for the first time in 1,5 years since we broke up he just reached out to me last week. He probably realized that I moved on and it must feel strange to him. Must feel weird that I’m not begging, trying to talk, telling him I still love him etc. It doesn’t mean he wants me back of course but at least he’s curious. At least he sees I’ve changed and maybe he respects me for that. I guarantee your ex will reach out too if you stop talking to him. But by the time he does, you will already be a new person and you won’t feel the same anymore, trust me.
Good luck and stay brave and strong!

Dear Karina,

You sound like you are making up excuses for him. I don’t know your relationship of course but a man who criticizes you because of what his friends say? Give me a break! He’s 41 and can’t make his own decisions? Just listen to yourself. You don’t want a man who’s easily influenced by other people. My ex’s friends also didn’t like me, one of them apparently said “she’s too smart for you” like it’s a bad thing. At least he said he defended me and told that person to mind his own business but still. His family didn’t like me and in the end, they got to his head. He became distant, uninterested, said we’re not a good couple etc. What our exes both lack, no matter how nice and loving and compromising etc. they are is maturity. This is simply not mature and consistent behavior. You’re saying you didn’t compromise because he let your friends criticize you? Girl, you don’t need to compromise on that! Of course you have every right to get upset over that. My ex criticized me a lot too: what I ate, decisions I made, that I didn’t love and respect him enough, that I had a foul mouth etc etc etc. They hide this behind “concern” for us but you need to be careful to see the line between real concern and hurtful criticism. And you can’t see that while you’re in that relationship. You need to distance yourself and stop idealizing the other person. Anyway, he sounds really confused now so give him and yourself some space.

Karina, you and I are soulmates girl! I’m also European and was dating this guy when I lived in the States and my story is very very similar to yours. I also cooked for him and his friends, we threw parties together, including for Halloween and Thanksgiving, all his friends loved me, his brother did too, it was great. I didn’t have problems with his friends like you did.BUT I’m also very emotional and impatient and jealous and he didn’t like that either. Same thing he told me: “You’re too much,you’re too open minded (he comes from a very conservative background so that’s something we always struggled with) blah blah blah.” I’m sure your ex is a very nice person, so was mine. That’s why we loved them in the first place. But there are two problems here: a) they don’t know what they want or b) they don’t think long term and only spend time with us until their friends/families begin to interfere. Again,both are signs of immaturity. And you made a very good point: he ALWAYS knew you were like that. And he still took one year to figure out you weren’t good for him? My ex did the same thing to me: he knew all these things about me but eventually they became a problem (he remembered them all later too!). He told me: I thought I could get over these things but I can’t. Sounds like your ex is hinting at the same thing: you’re too complicated for him. To me that’s a sign of insecurity. So he wants someone who: fits his life, fits his friends, doesn’t get jealous, likes being criticized, doesn’t get emotional, in short, doesn’t cause any trouble. What else? He may as well date a blow-up doll. I’m sure he’s a good man and he’s been good to you and you think you can change him – but his demands sound a bit unrealistic.
As to your point about his friends – yes, they don’t want him to have a life so they can hang around his house and drink his free beer. My ex had a lot of friends like that – hanging around his house, drinking beer, eating his food, playing video games, making a mess. I wanted to kick them all out and I would if we lived together. I’m sure they wouldn’t be happy with that.
Anyway, if you guys get back together, he needs to stop being a pussy (excuse my language) and finally get a life without his loser friends.

Aww, if I made you laugh, I’m happy! Trust me, there will come a day when you will laugh again and feel better.
It sounds to me like he already told you NO, and you were the one who asked him to think about it. I know because I did the same thing: I asked him to take his time to think and he said he would but it didn’t change anything. If you want my advice, don’t ask him anything. He’s not going to change his mind in a week. Assume from now on that he’s gone and start acting that way. Don’t say, “one more week”, “one more month”, you’re only extending your denial (I know, i did this!) Right now he knows you want to talk, he knows you want him back but he’s over it. I know the type: if he’s made up his mind and you keep wanting to talk, he’s going to get sick of it. Leave him alone and see if he comes back to you. Surprise him: don’t do what he expects you to do. Don’t talk, don’t call. It may help or it may not. But think about this: even if you get back together, you will have the same issues. Guys like our exes are picky, perfectionist and very full of themselves, that’s why they let relationships go easily. He’s 41 and still single (my ex will be 36) – there’s a reason for that. He’s looking for a perfect woman who will fit all his criteria – good luck with that! Think about it: it’s not going to be easy to build a lasting relationship with such a man but if you love him, you have to decide if it’s worth it.

That’s a perfect plan! I’ve been traveling a lot since our breakup and it helps a lot! And when my ex reached out to me recently he said his brother has been showing him FB pics from my travels. Ha! I hope he’s green with envy that I’m going to all these places without him. We loved to travel together and at first I really missed him when I traveled but eventually I got over it. You will too!