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Hey Ann
It’s Friday evening – my favourite time to start feeling low and depressed about pretty everything so here it goes…
At times this whole thing (NC, trying to get an ex back, etc) feels so pointless; today I am haunted by many negative thoughts and visions. My situation is a funny one – I know he will not initiate contact because that’s him – he just does not. It does not mean he does not want to meet or hang out. I guess, he is a deeply insecure man with a pathological fear of rejection. So all he does is sit on his a$$ and wait. This NC for nearly 4 weeks now has made me think more about my situation and ask myself some key questions – is this the relationship I really want for myself – where I make all the moves and then it’s just me to blame for everything that fails? Is this really worth it? Should I mentally start to move on from him? At this point, I just cannot be bothered about any further interaction with this man- in fact, I have been avoiding all venues where he might be these days because I still feel so hurt and mad at him that I cannot even consider saying hello. Not now. And not sure this will change any time soon.
Ok. It makes sense now. I know how hard it is to distract yourself from thinking of this guy all the time, but hang in there..you are not alone, most of us on this board are going through this as we speak…try to stay strong and give him plenty of time to decide what he wants to do with his life. There is never a guarantee and the chances are usually slimmer in case of married people; however, I would say, let time decide. If you don’t hear anything positive from him within the next 2-3 months (without you initiating further contact), chances are, things may not change in your favour and perhaps it’s time to move on.
Hi
I am a little confused about which man you are waiting to hear from – the married guy or your former boyfriend? Have you cut all contact with the married one too?
He is your ex and he should not dictate the terms by which you live your life. Nor should he influence your decisions. If you choose to do NC, it’s your decision and you do not need to get his approval. After all, he chose to leave the relationship! I feel he is still trying to manipulate you (basically, an attempt to maintain control over you) and you should not allow that.
It sounds good to me – and I know that we should not keep hopes too high. Btw, how do you manage to distract yourself from thinking of him? Any tips? 🙂
Oh ok – I take it that you are no longer doing NC? Is your ex still seeing the other girl? How is his communication with you? Just be careful – at times I get the feeling he is pulling off some mind games here (initiating chat but then not responding, the waiting game, etc).. I have read somewhere that you should mirror the guy’s behaviour in cases like this – if he takes 5 days to get back to you, you wait for 5 to reply, and so on…
I am not worried about the 3 weeks of no contact in my situation- this guy has been living alone for the past 8 years since his divorce. He is someone who needs his space and above all, he is a workaholic. In these 8 years he has only dated one other woman (no sex) for nearly a year and that’s it. When I met him, he had been alone for about 2 years – so we are not talking the “typical male” here..LOL …He has not been dating anyone else for 1.5 years (since we first met).. What worries me more is that after such a long time of living alone, he may not see the benefit of entering a serious relationship and it bothers me because I am so crazy about him…
Hey Ann
No, not much – I have not initiated any contact for the past three weeks and it’s been incredibly hard on me; I cannot focus on work or anything else. My mind feels pretty blank. Actually, I caught a glimpse of him on the street today and my heart skipped a beat. Oh well –
From what he told me (when we still talked), next week he is due to travel abroad to visit his family and he will be away for 3-4 weeks. Him being physically away from me may help me cope better. I also hope he will use this time away to reflect on things – so all I’ve got is hope 🙂
how are things with you? Any news? Are you still in NC? How is that going?
Hey Scorpiostar27
congratulations on your 30 days of NC! That’s just awesome!
I feel you have some doubts about whether or not to reach out to your ex at this point. I personally believe that if you are not 100% sure about it yet, perhaps it’s good to wait for a while. The NC does not mean 30 days, it means any number of days/weeks/months/years until you feel mentally ready to meet your ex again.
Is there any chance to “run into her” in the near future or maybe attend a common event? That would be better than texting/email – because the brief encounter would allow you to study her body language. This in turn will help you figure out where you stand before trying anything further.
Hey Sara
This is quite a complex story – and I’m afraid you may not find answers on this board. You seem to care the world about this man and I understand. 13 years is a very long time to bond with someone even as a friend. If I were in your shoes, I would take time apart and let him sort out his issues. The reality is, he is the only person who can do this.
You said you were worried about him dating someone else. Well, this may sound a little harsh but if he can find someone else so quickly and date her, then he may not be the guy for you in the first place. Try to stop worrying about things you cannot control.
If you back off for a while, chances are this may prompt him to take action and get a grip on his situation.
Hey Sara
You kept mentioning that he “cares” about you but I would like to point out that “care” does not necessarily equal “love”. Is he in love with you? When did he get divorced? Could it be that his relationship with you was more of a rebound after his divorce? more details would be helpful…
Also, I get the feeling that he suffers from depression/anxiety – have you encouraged him to seek help?
Hi
First, congratulations on the two weeks of NC! How are you feeling now?
Second, I recommend that you ignore her for the time being as hard as this may seem to you. I know, it’s very tempting to jump at the opportunity she just threw at you, but don’t get fooled. People do not change over the course of 2 weeks. Besides, I have serious doubts about this woman and I fear that by getting back in touch so quickly, she will hurt you deeply again.
Try to stay strong and ignore her attempts to contact you. She has put you through a lot of pain and tears – it’s not fair to allow her to sail back into your life so smoothly. I would say, give yourself time without worrying about what she will think or do. You guys are no longer in a formal relationship and you have your own life to re-build for now. In a few weeks, see where you are and perhaps this time apart will help you decide on the next steps.
Good luck!
LauraSorry about your painful experience. Not sure if it helps but most of us have been there and done that. You did pretty well in the process and this guy just got eliminated because he was not up to par. Take this as a valuable lesson that online dating has given you and I am sure you will be much wiser next time around 🙂
Juan,
Your behaviour has not been great and I am sure you know this already.
here are a few points-– you should give her time and space and also use the NC period to address your own issues; for one, you appear to have a serious anger problem. Seek a therapist and try to work through it.
– when you first broke up with her, you did that because in your subconscious you were not ready to commit to her. This was your way out. What you did is understandable, many of us get cold feet at one point or another and that’s absolutely fine. However, the way you handled the situation was not fine. It damaged your relationship with this girl big time and she is severely affected by this. She is now anxious and thinks that one day, if you guys ever get together again, you will probably do the same when you feel like it. It may not be true but that’s how her mind thinks now and you cannot change this.
There is a lot of damage already done in this relationship, however, perhaps not all is lost. If there are intense feelings on both sides, there is a chance that you guys can build a new, stronger relationship in the future. But as of now, there is no magic trick you can use to get this girl back. At this time, quite understandably, she wants nothing from you. You have hurt her too much already and if you want to help her, you need to leave her alone. You guys need a long time apart to work on yourselves before anything positive can happen again.
Hi
First, you come across as pretty young and inexperienced. Online dating is a harsh world and you seem totally unprepared for it. You should know that the majority of men that date online are not serious – hardly anyone signs up on these dating sites to find their “true love”. The reality is that most of these men will have on average 5-8 women in their lists whom they talk to. Some of my friends who are into online dating told me that it’s typical for a guy to date one woman for a couple of weeks, then move to the next, then return to the first after about a month, and so on… Since there is always a possibility to find someone “better”, or at least that’s what online daters believe, it’s hard to settle for just 1 woman. It seems to me you have fallen into this trap.
I do not want to sound harsh here but I suspect this guy to be a player and just wanting a roll in the hay with you or any other woman he can get through the online site. I cannot see any evidence of feelings from his side. On the other hand, you did overreact but you did so on the basis of his hot-and-cold behaviour which would drive any woman insane. The reason for his behaviour is lack of true feelings – if he did not get you when he chased you, he just dropped you and started looking for other women. When you began to chase him back, by that time he had already got someone else that looked more promising.
In a way, your reluctant behaviour in the beginning has saved you a huge heartache in this case. I strongly advise you to act the same going forward as this helps you filter out the douchebags. I can assure you that this man does NOT deserve you. Nothing has happened between you two so you should be able to get over him in some time and look for someone worthy. Try to read more about online dating and its dangers before getting into it because it requires great skill to navigate.
