Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hey Leogirl
thanks for the dose of optimism 🙂
I am trying to keep an open mind and expectations low. As I always say, there are no guarantees. Officially, we are not in a relationship although neither of us is dating other people. We try to meet up regularly and have fun – that’s all I’ve got as of now 🙂 However, If I look back, there were all these months when I would avoid him like the plague and I would not exchange with him more than 2 sentences – now we talk, smile and hug.At times I feel we are not really moving forward; and when I am about to lose hope, he comes up with some stuff that makes me wonder. For example, about a week ago, we were planning to go out but I was not sure if he could make it as he had a huge workload. To which he said, no problem, I can make adjustments so that we can go out. I was stunned as he never said this when we were dating before and actually, his constant lack of time for me was the main problem for our breakup last year. Now, for the first time, I can see his effort “to make adjustments” and I want to believe it’s a positive thing. Any thoughts?
Hi
To build a solid relationship, you need mutual trust and respect. Reading your story, I feel that you guys may be lacking in this area and hence all the problems arising in your interaction. You wrote “I know there are deeper issues that he is not telling me..” this shows you do not trust him. On the other hand, he comes across as emotionally unavailable and this may justify why he acts as a commitment phobe. It is a hard situation but not all is lost here. If I were you, I would first draft a letter telling him clearly what you want from a relationship, how you feel that your needs are unmet by him and you are not happy with what he’s been offering you so far. Post the letter and then start a strict NC on this guy. Try to do it for at least 6-8 weeks. This attitude is likely to trigger renewed attempts for contact from his side but you will need to stay strong. After all, what’s the point of him contacting you if 1) he has not worked on himself and 2) he is not ready for a serious relationship with you that involves respect and mutual trust?
Following my suggestion may or may not get your ex back (there are no guarantees, unfortunately) but I can assure you that it will make you stronger and more confident about yourself so that one day you are in a position to decide what is best for you and your happiness. Good luck!
hey, I have been following your story and I can imagine how shattered you must be feeling at this moment. The impression I got (as an outsider, you could say) is that this guy likes the thrill of the chase and the moment he is about to get what he has been chasing, he is no longer interested. He fulfils the definition of a player, in my eyes. If you look at what happened – he wanted his ex because she “was hard to figure out”. In order to have her, he has to put in a lot of chase and sweat because she simply “is not sure” about entering another relationship with him. Guess what, if a relationship had happened, he would most likely have ended up leaving her as well because, hey, he got what he wanted, the chase was over and so was the thrill. Now the question for you: do you want this kind of man in your life? You seem to be a woman who wants to settle down and enjoy a rather stable family life with the man you love – well, the “wife material” you mentioned in your posts. I can tell you for sure that you are wasting your time with this guy who does not share your goals in life and, not trying to be cruel here, maybe never will…I know, it’s not what you want to hear but take it from me, I am older than you by a decade (LOL) and I have had my share of players and bad boys. They broke my heart over and over, made me put on weight which even today I am still trying to lose. If you can help it, don’t do this to yourself – you are young and you have so many opportunities ahead of you, why choosing to dream of someone who simply is not in your league and does not deserve you? Think about it. And one more thing which you could take as advice if you wish: I feel that all the contact with the common friends keep you from your recovery “from him” because there is always a hope out there that one day, one of these people will tell you something positive about this guy, that maybe he wants to come back to you, etc…you get the point. If I were you, at this point, I would politely ask these common friends to stop mentioning about him going forward just because I care about my sanity and want to move on. I know it’s hard, you are doing very well for the state you are in. Good luck!
Everyone is really different and not everyone prefers texting as unbelievable as it may sound these days 🙂 in my case, texting does not work at all and I would never try it. In a way, I like that because texting can easily drive me insane, I just hate its dynamics…if you and your ex are used to texting, then go for it. At the same time, I would use it sparingly especially if you plan to reconnect and try to make it work in the long term. As Leogirl commented on my story, getting your ex back is a process that will take its own sweet time and we need tons of faith and patience 🙂 keep us posted!
So have you texted him? If you have not yet, I may have a piece of advice here; it’s basically what worked for me.
first, let me say that NC does not necessarily mean 30 days, nothing more, nothing less. NC means no contact for as long as necessary, and it can be anywhere from one day to months or even years – depending on the situation. I reconnected with my ex again after 5 months and though we are not “together” as of now, things seem to be moving in the right direction albeit slowly, very slowly. Again, no guarantees.
Now, especially after he blocked you on social media, I would not text him out of the blue after 30 days to “break the ice” and try to reconnect this way. It almost feels like you have been waiting for the 30 days to go by so that finally you can type him a message. What I would do though is try to make it look more like a coincidence – simply “run into him” one day or happen to attend the same event, or run into him through common friends, you get the gist.. – I know, it sounds a bit devious but hey, at this point, you really have no idea about the state of mind he is currently in…If you do get to “run into each other” and have some fun/light-hearted small talk, you can decide on your next step based on his reactions/body language. This is what I would personally do; it could save some heartache; again, different people have different approaches; you should know your ex better than us. Just for the record, that’s what I did with my ex and it worked for me. Good luck and keep us posted.
What you need to realize is that this relationship started off somewhat on the left foot. You were in a relationship with someone else and he was married. You knew he was married and still chose to go ahead with it. From my past experience, this set-up is bound to trigger unbearable pain to you – pain that he still has a wife and lives with her, pain that he may never commit to a solid relationship with you, pain that he fails to acknowledge his feelings for you. The list can go on. Has he got a divorce yet? How serious is he about getting one? At times I feel he is looking for excuses to justify his lack of action but still get to have the “amazing sex” with you. Besides, if he can get physical intimacy with you WITHOUT getting a divorce from his wife, why should he bother? I would say that all comes down to what you really want from this guy. Do you want him as your committed partner? If yes, I would draft a letter saying what you want from him and that you are getting the feeling based on his actions that he may not be ready to reciprocate and you guys may not be on the same page right now. Basically I would convey the message that I respect myself enough to break this vicious cycle and that I deserve more than what he has given me. After that, I would do a strict NC on him for at least 2-3 months. I know, several websites suggest 30-day NC but from my experience, guys generally need more time than that to process what’s happening. In case you have not read my story, I stayed away from my ex for over 5 months. We started seeing each other again about two months ago and so far so good. Moreover, if you are scared that giving him 2-3 months of NC will make him forget you or not want to be with you, then, I can certainly tell you that he was never yours to start with and perhaps it would be best to seek closure and move on. If he truly cares for you and wants to keep you in his life, he will man up and grab you before someone else does. Good luck!
I agree with Leogirl here. It could be a start of something new between you two but at this point you can only speculate as to what this might be. Do you want her back? If you want her back, send a reply but keep it focused on the present, light-hearted and fun. Also try to keep your expectations low (easier said than done, I know), enjoy the ride and see what happens. Any time you guys could catch up in person?
Thanks! I am fine with taking things slow but at times I suspect he might seek friendship/companionship. I get pretty confused when he starts staring into my eyes and complimenting me… I was hoping he would spell things out (he usually does) but since he hasn’t yet, I guess I’ll just have to go with the flow and see what happens.
