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@Marin thats really good 🙂 talking about the relationship isn’t something that should happen until you have built the connection again dn y’all are thinking about being back together, after that you have to talk about the relationship to make sure the bad stuff doesn’t happen again and you will be both in a different place to handle that talk. If you do it too early then their defense goes back up and breaks down all the work and the no contact.
@awesomeness814 i have done no contact with my ex before (about a year ago) we didn’t really speak for 3 months basically (but i went abroad to travel and be in a long distance relationship). It was 2 months i talked, and then i returned was still in the relationship but we became close friends during that time again and then fell back in love so its more than possible, you just have to reset your systems, and no contact is basically like a freezer for your feelings. It puts those feelings on ice so they can be thawed out and heated up later. But contacting them ruins that, kills their feelings and makes it really hard to bring back. Have to have faith in the process and be patientMaybe there is something you can talk about thats more of an update? If y’all have anything in common still. Oh i just thought about this, in reference to the towel you can make a joke out of it.
Hey! I was cleaning and stumbled on my beach towel that says, “The beach is my happy place” it made me think of you and how you always say that. Haven’t been able to find it, wouldn’t be surprised if you snook in and took it lol
Oh just because I know you have been waiting for this haha, I know my ex would reply to just about anything I send, but people are different so its hard navigating “the perfect reach out”.
But if you feel like he won’t reply, don’t rush it. Take your time and think about it. Maybe we can brainstorm more options haha I know all the advice usually says reach out and say something relating to an old memory, but i feel like thats pretty tough to do. I think that should be saved for the second text, and the first should be more “friendly” and neutral, unless you know what is going on their side of life. Like if they are with someone, are they going through rough times, are they happy ect.
its good to start no contact, but in your case i wouldn’t tell him you aren’t going to talk to him. if you have him on fb and stuff, you have to stop contacting him, start changing your profile pics or pics with him etc. Start showing you are good without him WITHOUT explaining ourself or your feelings. that is very important because it will give him understanding and make him less emotional and not feel the need to chase you, he is comfortable being your friend and kind of having a piece of him that you have, but if you take that away he will miss you more and better chance of him reaching out more
Not going to lie, I’m nervous for you haha
Your text sounds good though, by what you have said about him. That is a really positive memory. I think an exclamation point after the quote for what the towel says would be good. Just because it kind of shows some energy and gives off the vibe that you are happy and you genuinely was surprised you found it. Reading the text without it just kind of gave me that “you making an excuse to talk to me” vibe like you have another motive. But putting the excitement in it kind of takes the pressure off little of him feeling like you are going to lead this convo in another direction.
Thats what i think though 🙂
My friends ex used to tell her that all the time, and i think it really is the job causing some stress, but i think it is an excuse to not address the problems and work them out with you. She eventually broke it off with him, and he def came crawling back to her (which she wasn’t receptive of) but in your case if you move on i think i would kick that bucket and wise up eventually but you can’t be hanging around letting him put you through the emotional damage of waiting for him to make a decision.
It is hard because you are fresh in it @Ras217 but no contact is super important, there are a lot of benefits, but the main one is so that you don’t get super emotional and mess things up, you have to think with a clear head. Also after no contact your feelings for each other settle in a way. Like i said, i became much close with the recent ex even though we was in relationships because the feelings of being together wasn’t there but we still grew closer to each other, had we not had time apart that wasn’t possible.
Its really tough concept to grab because your emotions are involved, but so many people have done it and aren’t bs’ing you on that. have to have some faith 🙂 because doing it yourself with no plan and support to keep you logical and focused is tough and can lead you to make emotional and damaging choices
but trust me, it may seem like forever but you will feel better again when the storm cloud clears 🙂
exactly! its the biggest mistake haha
but i will say my ex and i have been on “no contact” before.
I left for 3 months and we didn’t talk, i was actually in another relationship and we got over each other. When i came back we became friends again and both of us was in relationships, but after not seeing each other for so long it was fresh feelings, and we feel in love pretty hard again, that time it was really on my terms. This time is basically on hers, so its worked before, it was messed up because we was both in relationships with people that didn’t make us happy and took basically a year for that to end, and it was very emotional during that time. So when we finally dated it was already too much emotional problems that never went away.
Mainly i wasn’t emotionally available but didn’t want to hurt her feelings anymore by not dating her, it did way more harm than good because i never took the time to get over the relationship that i just got out of (her relationship ended 2 months before mine and she was over it)
so hopefully this is the last time “bad timing” gets in the way. Regardless if we get back together or not though, i have learned ALOT, and i know ill be okay.
Just have a plan and STICK TO IT BY ALL MEANS.
will say helping other on the forums helps greatly, you even learn stuff about yourself. So during the time of no contact i encourage to continue helping others with their struggle it will give you strength to stick to it yourself.
My ex is a very forgiving person though and carrying, not very stubborn, so your ex will be a lot tougher to break through, make sure you let us know how the contact goes when you do it!
nooooo i have had to RESTART, which is why I’m pushing so hard to not crack haha, my ex will talk to me after no contact that isn’t a problem or a fear i have. But what I’ve learned from breaking no contact, the past 30 days, she tells me everything that i wanted to know but didn’t have faith in. She was missing me, and i feed her, she wanted to talk, and i talked, etc. Slowly giving her emotional independence. So the process was working, and instead of thinking about the bad feelings she felt “we just had bad timing, i still wanna workout” but contacting off sets all those feelings that bring her back in.
I went over a week without contacting, and she brought up her son to me, and it hit me pretty deep because i love the kid, and even though she says he ask about me all the time it didn’t mean she wanted me to see him etc she was just being emotional. So i feel into a trap and after talking it just made her feel better about herself and feeling on top.
So I’ve had to go to no contact all over again, wasted 30 days not sticking to it, or talking every 4-5 days. But ima be on vacation for 2 weeks so that’ll make it way easier, after being through the process enough i finally accepted, contacting really changes nothing
I felt that same feeling, but you are giving HIM emotional independence, which isn’t brining him any closer to you. It is just a sucky reality after the break up. The natural urge is to give it all to this person and show how much you care, but they already know that. It changes nothing for you, honestly. You want to be in a relationship again. I tell myself “I rather not talk to her for 30 days and have her for a life time than be comforted for 30 days and be questioning the rest of my life”
don’t have to be so extreme haha but thats what it is, 30 day is REALLY short in respect to your life and even the year, but it makes all the difference. if you look at it that way you will be good on feeling more confidence in going through it
Leave respectfully, don’t leave mean. Just have to say you appreciate the help, but you need time to figure out what you want, you aren’t mad at him or anything and you are okay with the break up but you need some space.
He can’t get mad at that, and if he does its because he is emotional and we react like children who can’t get the candy they are asking for.
if you aren’t contacting him, he will calm down and he will sit and think about you, and what he has done wrong, and what you have done wrong etc, he will go through the same process you are. but you will be on top again because YOU made the decision to put space for YOU and it isn’t about him anymore which will make him want to chase, if you stick to not contacting him
Okay i reached out to me ex, and asked them to remove me from her songs daycare contact list (because seeing him in my email made me really emotional and made me want to contact her all the time) i sent that message and didn’t reply. She was basically done with me before that, but when that happened she saw me doing stuff for myself, and she was wanting to talk again (WIN RIGHT!) no….. i feed into that we talk abit, long story short it gets emotional, the casual talk leave and the relationship talk comes up again, and i say stuff about how i care about her and her son still and I’m still motivated to do stuff because of them. She says “I wish you would have said you was doing it for you”
so basically the WHOLE 30 DAYS that i didn’t do no contact, i knew all the things to do to re attract her but i let my emotions get in the way, and everytime i did, she would say something like “I’m glad you messaged me, i was really missing you” and i shoot myself in the foot everytime because she was basically saying every time “What you was doing was working” and by contacting it just keeps messing it up if you don’t have faith in the process
i spent basically 30 days not committing to no contact, and now emotionally my ex is more distant, after going through all the up and down phases. It sucks because you start to think “DANG IT IF JUST DID NO CONTACT THIS WHOLE MONTH I WOULD ALREADY BE BACK WORKING ON US AGAIN” but i was chasing the temporary feelings and wondering too much about what my ex thought, or felt i was being mean ect. But you have to do it for you, the same way when you are single and not involved with someone, you aren’t doing stuff to please someone else and that attracts people to you. You just gotta do stuff for you and he will be attracted and want to add to that, but not NEEDING him but allowing him to add to your happiness that you already have on your own grows the love, the real thing
Thats a great ending, but yes he will miss it more if he isn’t getting it form you. I def wasn’t ready for the relationship when i got into it, but because my ex kept pursing me it was only causing more problems because the fact its a lot of emotional thinking when you are chasing him. He will start to only think about the feel good feelings you give him, but not the relationship. You can tell him you need space, but you sound exactly how the relationship was with me after we broke up. There was still phone calls and flirting, we even made out a few times. Then the other side of that comes in, where the “I’m not ready” finds its way back, and then you are back where you started and it will hurt, because you have put a sort of expectation in your head since things have been going well. He can’t miss the relationship if he is still getting it. Which he is, just without the title
