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Anyway, we broke up 5 months ago. I felt very embarassed to tell my parents since even thou it wasn’t my fault. I just dodged all their questions and told them it was over.
Yesterday, I was out for lunch with my dad and he finally flat out asked me what happened with my ex. And I told him! There was no blame, no reproach in my dad, instead he was so supportive! I think you need to be honest with your parents about how you really feel. They only want your happiness in the end. So talk to them! I wish I had sooner.Dear friend,
First of all, I’m sorry to hear that. I know that parents can put a lot of pressure on us sometimes, especially when there are social expectations.
I think I can more or less relate to your situation. I brought a guy home last year for the first time in my life and told my parents we were serious. After he left, my parents kept asking when will he pop the question. Instead, we broke upUnfortunately, logic usually has little to do with such decisions.
I’m sure you gave it all to your ex but maybe she just didn’t know how to receive it. In Kabbala, there’s a belief that men and women are vessels for light and love and must know both to give and receive it. Once that balance is off, it’s over. You will learn that and apply it to your life wisely, I’m sure.
I too don’t think I deserved to be dumped on whatsapp and Skype and not even get a chance to say proper goodbye. But who am I to judge, like you said it’s his life. He’s going to live with this choice and your ex with hers.I think most of us here are probably the same: we’re the happiest when making other people happy. It’s just very hard not to lose yourself in the process cuz ironically that is what often pushes our loved ones away.
I just started reading Eat, Pray, Love and a lot of it resonates with some of my experiences. I recommend it for anyone who’s doing soul searching and trying to find that balance in life…
I’ve wondered how much of those “explanations” we all got was actually true. Cuz you do ask yourself “how could s/he come to that?”Oh my, I realized now I may have sounded a bit too cruel and bitter in my previous post. Sorry for that everyone, I know we’re all looking for support and understanding here but I guess I’m at the point where I feel like just finally facing the harsh reality. No hope left and only disappointment…
You nailed it with “missing your old life” more than just missing your ex. I think all of us here are going thru the same and that’s why it’s been so hard for us… So many things in our lives were in one way or another connected to our exes that we feel like the ground that we stood on has been pulled from under our feet. It’s especially complicated when moving to another country/city or something drastic like that was involved. Unfortunately, we have nobody else to blame but ourselves for putting ourselves in that situation and building our lives around our exes. I mean I know it’s very unfair but it’s true. Even if your ex was the one who wanted you to move for/with her, do you think she would take the responsibility for it now? I kinda doubt it… It was your decision (of course influenced by your love for her) so you gotta put up with the consequences now. Sucks, I know. I was planning to move to my ex’s country too to be with him but now I’m almost happy it didn’t happen. Can’t imagine where I would go if we broke up since we would be living in HIS house to which I would have no legal rights and would have to move out of. I have friends there too and have lived there before but still it would have been devastating for me. Perhaps this is a lesson to learn for future relationships. You have to have a plan B no matter how happy you are in your relationship cuz shit just happens… In your moments of bliss you think you’ll be together forever but you can never know the future.
@ly88
Stop asking yourself why it happened, it will only make things worse. I almost drove myself crazy with that question and didn’t get any close to figuring out the answer. You will never fully understand somebody else’s intentions even if you think you know that person well. And anyway, will knowing why make you feel better? Will it bring your ex back? It may give you some closure but I don’t think it’s worth driving yourself crazy to find out.@hayz
Yes, we’ve been thru that too, me wanting to Skype more and him being busy and all. I guess that’s pretty normal. We had an 11 hour difference so I know that’s tough. My ex also started school the month that we broke up and, like you said, school + work just became more important to him. He simply couldn’t handle that while also being in a LDR.It’s not that he resented you, he just resented the whole situation. My ex also twisted a lot of the things that I said but once he got it in his head, there’s no point trying to argue. Unfortunately, I realized it too late. Could have saved myself many hours of bitter arguments.
Thanks, I’ll keep you posted on how it goes for me!
@hayz Hmm yeah, no remorse in this situation is pretty messed up. But I’m sure it will come soon.
I can’t complain about my ex not staying in touch during our LDR, he was actually pretty good at it seeing how it was his first time. We chatted and Skyped a lot and he wanted me to constantly stay in touch. At the same time, he still did his own thing with friends etc. and I was happy he was doing it although I must admit I was jealous that I wasn’t there to enjoy it with him but I didn’t want to smother him. But the last month he had a huge conference to work on and he told me to leave him alone cuz he didn’t have time for me plus he wanted some space to figure things out. Honestly, I handled it pretty badly cuz it upset me a lot and things just got nasty from there. I’m not proud of my behavior during that period. Basically, LDR sucks:((( But people make it work, you just need BOTH parties to be equally invested in it which unfortunately didn’t happen in our cases.
I haven’t moved back to his country and not sure if I will any time soon (I’m looking for a job there but it’s extremely tough). I’m not worried about it, just gotta do what is best for me right now. If I ever go back, I have a group of friends there and will be able to lead a good life without him. If he wants to come back into the picture, I’ll be happy to give him another chance as I still have very strong feelings for him.
I don’t think his life without me is that bad or ever will be. He’s pretty well-off with a great job and a good social circle and although he told me often that I made his life much better and more meaningful, I don’t exactly expect him to be depressed without me and come running back. He’s simply not the kind of a person to look back and regret his decisions easily. Unless I show up in his town looking hotter and happier than ever, I’m afraid there’s no chance in hell he’ll start thinking what he’s missing. Then again, who knows… As they say where I’m from: “Another person’s soul is always in the shadow.”
That was a bit of a rant, sorry about that:) Hope things work out for you too!
I told our mutual friends that I didn’t want to hear anything about my ex from them or anyone else. Luckily, they’re amazing and they understood. They were my friends first and I introduced him to my ex when we were together. Now I’ve moved away and they’re in the same area so still hang out from time to time. I found that a bit awkward at first but realized that if I didn’t know or hear anything about it that solved the problem. We’re adults so if anyone wants to hang out with him I’m not gonna throw a fit about it but I don’t need to know how great he’s doing without me… That said, I don’t wanna lose MY friends on top of losing him.
Please take everyone else’s advice and speak to someone, it DOES help! Cry, vent, scream, do whatever makes you feel better at that moment. I know it feels like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel but there will be one day!
@Maria Thank you so much for your words, I know you’re right. My ex did tell me that he didn’t know what to expect from me in the future and that he didn’t believe I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again. So at this point, he’s set his mind on us not working together. I’m doing NC and focusing on myself to become a better person who learns from her mistakes not just for his sake but for my own. Maybe some day he’ll see that…Wow, that’s pretty crazy shit that your ex ran off with your friend and moved to his country with her! Definitely sounds like a rebound to me, what’s more it sounds like he simply put her in your place in the plans YOU made together. That must have really sucked for you! I think some men are just weak and can’t wait for too long for one woman (they want instant gratification). I’m pretty sure my ex didn’t jump into a new relationship right after we broke up but honestly it didn’t make it any easier for me.
Good for you that you’re enjoying your new life! I’m also the same: lived and traveled in many different countries and feel very confident outside of my comfort zone pretty much anywhere. Maybe these guys just can’t handle us since we’re such cool chicks:) Also it’s awesome that you have your ex’s family’s support. Unfortunately in my case my ex’s family was very much against me (although they didn’t even know me but they’re just very conservative and wanted him to end up with someone from his own culture!) I suspect it also had an effect on him since he started acting up after visiting his family back in his home country.
What you said about your ex knowing he treated you badly but not acknowledging it is also true. I think my ex is doing the same, acting like nothing happened and outright refusing to acknowledge that he hurt my feelings. He simply shuts down any conversation about it and acts as if he’s the “good guy” and handled everything so well. Of course nobody wants to think of themselves as a*holes even if they act that. Don’t worry, what goes around comes around and if he’s wronged you it’ll haunt him one day. If he doesn’t look as happy with his new gf maybe it’s because deep down it’s already bothering him. He can run away from everyone but not from himself…
Very similar situations here, met my ex while on a fellowship year in the States but had to leave after 6 months of a blissful relationship since my visa ran out. We decided to stay together and planned for me to move back so I could live with him. He has a stable life there so it was out of question for him to leave it behind for me and move away. Anyway, we decided it would be best for me to go back and we managed to keep our long distance working pretty well with the help of whatsapp and skype. He came to visit me and met my parents and we were planning to go on a Eurotrip or me to visit him for Xmas. So things were going very well, he kept telling me how much he missed me and we made plans for our future when suddenly (after he came back from visiting me and his family afterwards), things started going downhill. He started telling me he felt depressed that I wasn’t there, picked fights, was very critical of me, told me I wasn’t trying hard enough to go back etc. It got to the point that he set a deadline on our relationship. If I didn’t manage to go back by November that would be the end of it as he didn’t want to wait forever. Red flag right there but I missed it. Mind you, finding a job in a foreign country without any support is extremely tough and he wasn’t really doing much to help me out except complain. When I brought it up, he initially agreed with me and then said he was gonna try to be more helpful. I thought it was a good sign and he finally understood what I was going thru but some time later an old issue came up and we got in a huge fight and soon after that he broke up with me. Told me he didn’t feel any love for me anymore and the distance made it worse and he resented me for the way I bossed him around, told him what to do etc. etc. Basically, it all sounded like a lot of bs and that he just wanted out and came up with all those excuses to make it look like it was my fault. My friend told me he wasn’t ready for me and seemed very unsure about our relationship in the last month. My world came tumbling down obviously since I really thought we were gonna make it thru hard times and really hoped he was the one (he had also told me I was his soulmate). Turns out I was wrong.
I’m still trying to go back to where he lives, not for him but to pursue better options for myself. I don’t know if we stand a chance if I move back there but I’d love to go back to what we had since it was absolutely wonderful. We made each other very happy. How can I trust him again after this thou? I guess we hadn’t been together long enough (13 months) for him to make up his mind if I was worth the trouble but he kept telling me he loved me and wanted me back and wanted us to live together and try to build a life. Maybe I’m too old fashioned and take this stuff too seriously but we’re both adults (29 and 34) and I thought if a person says something at this age they stick by it. I know I wasn’t the best gf at a distance and I wasn’t there when he got lonely but it wasn’t my fault. He should know me better than that. Besides, we’re all human and I may have showed him the ugly side of me when I was depressed, unemployed and missing him badly but that’s also part of me that he’s got to accept it. I can’t always be the happy, funny person he met and fell in love with. So don’t blame yourself for “not being the same person and looking negative”. We all act differently depending on our circumstances but your essence doesn’t change. If he knows and values who you really are, he’ll love the negative, depressed and grumpy you just as much. I’m sure he’s not an angel either (my ex sure wasn’t but that didn’t make me resent him!)
To cut this short, even if our exes come around and want us back (for example when we’re back in their cities), we should really give it a second thought before accepting them. If they’ve dumped us once already, who’s to say they won’t do it when s*** gets rough again? It doesn’t mean they’re bad people, I still love my ex and think he’s a wonderful man that any woman would be lucky to have but they simply didn’t have the balls to come through for us. Whatever it is, do not blame yourself and just try to focus on the positive things in your life.
Dear co-member of the broken hearts club,
Just like most people on this board, I absolutely feel your pain. I too have been struggling with pain and misery since my ex broke up with me in September (did long distance before that). The distance played a huge part and things just got out of hand eventually. Long story short, I’ve tried to move on but I feel dead on the inside even after so many months. He is on my mind day in and day out and I dream of him almost every night. He says it’s too late for some things and in the 5 months we’ve been broken up he hasn’t initiated contact even once, only replied when I reached out with my desperate attempts to get him back, which needless to say failed miserably. So like so many of you, I’m also wondering: why won’t he come back if he misses me and give us another chance? The big question in my mind: is he holding back because of the distance or he’s really moved on? He’s recently told me something that really confused me and made it sound like the reason we broke up wasn’t even the reason to begin with or isn’t that big of a deal anymore. But he also added that he doesn’t care anymore and past is past… No hope????
@Maria You say he won’t find anyone else who will love him as much as I do. I’m absolutely sure of that but what good does it do if he doesn’t see it? How many other women does he have to go thru to realize that? I don’t want to be “the last resort” he goes back to when all else fails. I’m just afraid that it would only make me resent him… I also agree that giving yourself fully to someone just isn’t appreciated in the end. I have to admit that my ex was a very giving person too and that made me want to reciprocate even when he grew distant and cold.
@Ly88 My ex is also a very sensitive person who doesn’t like to deal with difficult and conflict situations. I know I’ve screwed up a couple times and caused him unnecessary stress at a point in his life when he was also struggling with school and work. So, just like in your situation, he chose to eliminate me as a source of stress. The problem is that you and I don’t understand how a person can give up on something so wonderful so easily, right? The truth is, we just don’t see it the way they do. And the more you try to contest their point of view, the more they will resent you and think you’re just being selfish. In a way we are being selfish because we just want them to love us and stick with us no matter what else goes on in their lives because that’s what we would do. But people are different. This is the way they deal with stress and you can’t change that. So either they realize that riding out the storms together is easier or we really gotta move on and find someone more stress-resistant and reliable in life. Do you really wanna spend the rest of your life with someone who gives up on you at first signs of trouble? That’s what I tell myself when I get really desperate about my breakup.Finally, I have to say this site has been a wonderful source of consolation and support for me. Thanks everyone!
