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Well, that kind of happened to me too in college. And it happens all the time. When a man says he’s nor ready for kids, marriage etc. read “I’m not ready for that with you”. But it doesn’t mean he won’t do it with someone else. My ex was like that too: he didn’t start calling me his gf right away even thou we were serious and exclusive. And it really upset me but he told me he needed time, he’s not used to that etc. Eventually he started calling me his gf but it took a while. And marriage was a taboo subject for us because he thought it was too soon, how can we know blah blah. We got in a huge fight about that cuz he thought i was pushing him and wanted to get married so I could stay and didn’t have to leave the country. I did want to marry him but only because I really loved him, I swear! In retrospect I understand it must have looked suspicious to him but I explained it, I apologized and said I didn’t want to put pressure on him and everything. I asked my parents not to push and pressure him when he met them. But the damage was done, he kept thinking I had a hidden agenda. And he even told me “How do I know you really love me?” These things are so hard to get right, you really never know:( You can live with a man for 10 years and then he can go marry someone else in 6 months. So I wish I could tell you that our exes won’t do that but how do we know? But that’s why I say I don’t want to know. I don’t want to torture myself thinking about it. And you shouldn’t either! What is meant to be will be, worrying about it won’t help or stop it.
I’m turning 31 in 2 weeks. I absolutely agree with you that it’s very hard to find someone who will truly love you and you need to hold on to such people. And of course we made mistakes and we’re not perfect. I wasn’t fully honest with my ex and did some things I’m not proud of, I agree. But these are all things that you can work on if you want. Some things are really beyond repair: cheating, loss of a child, drugs, domestic abuse. That’s serious shit. But everything else is just really small stuff that you can work on if you truly love someone. I really believe in that and I’m sure you do too. The problem is that we’re not on the same page with our exes about it. They either don’t love us enough or are just too lazy and foolish to work on good, solid relationships. Either way for us means we need to move on.
I don’t know what’s the deal with my ex now and frankly I don’t wanna know. The less I know the better. I don’t need information about his life, what use do I have for it? You’re right, there’s no guarantee his relationship will work out. But I’m not going to wait to find out. I still have feelings for him and if he wanted to give it another try I would but I don’t want him to think that I’m always available for him. That’s why I cut him out of my life to show him that he really lost me.Yeah I figured you live in California since you go skiing in Tahoe (something we were planning too but didn’t go in the end!).
We met in 2013 and dated for a little over a year. I’m back in my home country now, we broke up 6 months after I came back. Long distance just made it so much more complicated.
Last time I spoke with him was 8 months ago and he told me he was dating someone. I don’t know if they’re still together. Last week he really surprised me cuz he sent me a nice message (let’s reconnect, let’s be better to each other, I hope you’re doing good blah blah). No word for 8 months and then this… I don’t think there’s any chance for us of course, I’m too far away, it’s been too long but he’s still on my mind a lot. I’ve made great progress in these 8 months and I’m truly focused on my future now. But he brought up some old memories when he wrote to me and I’ve been a bit blue these days.Yeah we went to Mexico, Cyprus, Turkey and all over California cuz that’s where we lived (he still does, I left). We had an awesome bday picnic for him in Santa Cruz when we first started dating, it was really quite nice. He used to tell me it was the best bday he ever had. And now he’s got someone else to celebrate his bdays with. Life is funny, ain’t it?
It doesn’t hurt to say happy bday. Nothing wrong with being polite. Just don’t write him a long diatribe, “Happy birthday” is enough.That’s a perfect plan! I’ve been traveling a lot since our breakup and it helps a lot! And when my ex reached out to me recently he said his brother has been showing him FB pics from my travels. Ha! I hope he’s green with envy that I’m going to all these places without him. We loved to travel together and at first I really missed him when I traveled but eventually I got over it. You will too!
Aww, if I made you laugh, I’m happy! Trust me, there will come a day when you will laugh again and feel better.
It sounds to me like he already told you NO, and you were the one who asked him to think about it. I know because I did the same thing: I asked him to take his time to think and he said he would but it didn’t change anything. If you want my advice, don’t ask him anything. He’s not going to change his mind in a week. Assume from now on that he’s gone and start acting that way. Don’t say, “one more week”, “one more month”, you’re only extending your denial (I know, i did this!) Right now he knows you want to talk, he knows you want him back but he’s over it. I know the type: if he’s made up his mind and you keep wanting to talk, he’s going to get sick of it. Leave him alone and see if he comes back to you. Surprise him: don’t do what he expects you to do. Don’t talk, don’t call. It may help or it may not. But think about this: even if you get back together, you will have the same issues. Guys like our exes are picky, perfectionist and very full of themselves, that’s why they let relationships go easily. He’s 41 and still single (my ex will be 36) – there’s a reason for that. He’s looking for a perfect woman who will fit all his criteria – good luck with that! Think about it: it’s not going to be easy to build a lasting relationship with such a man but if you love him, you have to decide if it’s worth it.Karina, you and I are soulmates girl! I’m also European and was dating this guy when I lived in the States and my story is very very similar to yours. I also cooked for him and his friends, we threw parties together, including for Halloween and Thanksgiving, all his friends loved me, his brother did too, it was great. I didn’t have problems with his friends like you did.BUT I’m also very emotional and impatient and jealous and he didn’t like that either. Same thing he told me: “You’re too much,you’re too open minded (he comes from a very conservative background so that’s something we always struggled with) blah blah blah.” I’m sure your ex is a very nice person, so was mine. That’s why we loved them in the first place. But there are two problems here: a) they don’t know what they want or b) they don’t think long term and only spend time with us until their friends/families begin to interfere. Again,both are signs of immaturity. And you made a very good point: he ALWAYS knew you were like that. And he still took one year to figure out you weren’t good for him? My ex did the same thing to me: he knew all these things about me but eventually they became a problem (he remembered them all later too!). He told me: I thought I could get over these things but I can’t. Sounds like your ex is hinting at the same thing: you’re too complicated for him. To me that’s a sign of insecurity. So he wants someone who: fits his life, fits his friends, doesn’t get jealous, likes being criticized, doesn’t get emotional, in short, doesn’t cause any trouble. What else? He may as well date a blow-up doll. I’m sure he’s a good man and he’s been good to you and you think you can change him – but his demands sound a bit unrealistic.
As to your point about his friends – yes, they don’t want him to have a life so they can hang around his house and drink his free beer. My ex had a lot of friends like that – hanging around his house, drinking beer, eating his food, playing video games, making a mess. I wanted to kick them all out and I would if we lived together. I’m sure they wouldn’t be happy with that.
Anyway, if you guys get back together, he needs to stop being a pussy (excuse my language) and finally get a life without his loser friends.Dear Karina,
You sound like you are making up excuses for him. I don’t know your relationship of course but a man who criticizes you because of what his friends say? Give me a break! He’s 41 and can’t make his own decisions? Just listen to yourself. You don’t want a man who’s easily influenced by other people. My ex’s friends also didn’t like me, one of them apparently said “she’s too smart for you” like it’s a bad thing. At least he said he defended me and told that person to mind his own business but still. His family didn’t like me and in the end, they got to his head. He became distant, uninterested, said we’re not a good couple etc. What our exes both lack, no matter how nice and loving and compromising etc. they are is maturity. This is simply not mature and consistent behavior. You’re saying you didn’t compromise because he let your friends criticize you? Girl, you don’t need to compromise on that! Of course you have every right to get upset over that. My ex criticized me a lot too: what I ate, decisions I made, that I didn’t love and respect him enough, that I had a foul mouth etc etc etc. They hide this behind “concern” for us but you need to be careful to see the line between real concern and hurtful criticism. And you can’t see that while you’re in that relationship. You need to distance yourself and stop idealizing the other person. Anyway, he sounds really confused now so give him and yourself some space.
Dear Karina,
You are not alone in this! My ex told me the exact same things: I don’t love you anymore, I’ve moved on, you’re not good for me, I love someone else. I know that every time you hear that, your heart drops and you want to rip it out of your chest. And yes, he did move on very fast, making me question the intensity of his love to begin with. Did he never love me? Does he love her more than me? Is that possible? You can drive yourself crazy with these questions. Your wounds are still fresh, I’ve been in this no man’s land for almost 2 years now. So allow me to share some advice from someone who’s been through this already.
First: don’t ever blame yourself! It’s not your fault. Of course you made mistakes. But it’s never one person’s fault. And remember, you loved him no matter what, you accepted him with all his mistakes and vices. Why couldn’t he do the same? Why was it easier for him to give up rather than work thru issues? I think that tells more about his personality than yours. Did he communicate well with you when you had fights? My ex totally shut me out every time we argued, he never wanted to talk about it and preferred to ignore issues until he “calmed down”. So it’s no wonder that he prefered just giving up and moving on fast when things got rough. You need to accept it and stop blaming yourself.
Second: you need to mirror his behavior. He moved on? Tells you he’s done? Do the same. Disappear from his life completely. No contact, no social media, just disapper. I did that for 8 months and I can’t tell you how much that helped. Not only was I able to truly move on but for the first time in 1,5 years since we broke up he just reached out to me last week. He probably realized that I moved on and it must feel strange to him. Must feel weird that I’m not begging, trying to talk, telling him I still love him etc. It doesn’t mean he wants me back of course but at least he’s curious. At least he sees I’ve changed and maybe he respects me for that. I guarantee your ex will reach out too if you stop talking to him. But by the time he does, you will already be a new person and you won’t feel the same anymore, trust me.
Good luck and stay brave and strong!So if they are in a relationship, it can’t mean anything, right? It’s all just innocent?
Sounds very similar to my situation: a FB message out of the blue with some sort of an ask/well wish etc. Honestly, we’re both probably reading too much into it. Which just shows that we still care for these people and feel flattered/hopeful that we’ve been on their minds. Sometimes when you wish so hard for something to happen and then give up (I gave up 8 months ago) it happens unexpectedly. I think we’re too shocked at the moment to react the right way so my advice is to take some time before taking this further (assuming you want to do that).
Thanks for sharing your insight! you got me wondering about this whole thing with guys wanting to get back together for sex. I’m currently talking to my ex after a 6 month NC and I can tell he still wants the sex. he’s complimented me on how hot I look and asked to send him pics etc. no need for more kinky details here:) well I don’t want him back just for the sex although I miss it like hell too. I want our relationship back with the sex and the whole package. he’s told me he doesn’t want to get back together and just be friends but now clearly sending me different signals. so as a guy, would you say I should give up or can I use the sex appeal to reignite our old feelings? I don’t know whether to feel flattered or disappointed that he still wants me in a sexual way. I’m not interested in being friends with benefits.
@ellie yes, it’s hard to act happy when you’re not but making someone feel like shit doesn’t help the situation either even if they really are being shits. trust me he doesn’t feel like a superhero now either but it honestly sounds like he’s just confused if he’s giving you all these mixed signals. in my experience, the best thing to do in such situations is to step back for a while. not forever but for a while. regroup, distract yourself and then come back to it later.
@Mj awesome that you’re meeting up with her. good luck!@ ellie96 you are totally overreacting right now. I made the exact same mistakes with my ex. whenever he wouldn’t reply to me I’d write him these long messages on how he’s basically an ungrateful son of a bitch and ignores me after everything I’ve done for him blah blah. well guess what it doesn’t work. instead of making him feel guilty about it, you’ll only push him away more. guys love to feel like superheroes, not ungrateful assholes that aren’t good enough for their gfs. that works the opposite way. I’m not saying you shouldn’t express your disappointment but not by throwing in his face how great you’ve been to him and how much he’s hurting you now. because there are two options: either he knows it already and you’ll only make him feel worse. or he knows it and doesn’t give a damn in which case he’s a jerk and doesn’t deserve you anyway. so be a little more subtle and calm about it.
@Gingerone I agree with Oshi that you should just focus on yourself, not how she’s feeling. I think we’re all in the same boat here wondering if our exes still have feelings for us but hiding them. But I’ve come to realize that even if they still care but deny or hide it, it doesn’t actually make a difference to us. I mean what does it really matter knowing he cares but doesn’t show it? He’s still not with me, still doesn’t want to be for whatever reason. So let it go and give it a break until she’s ready to come clean about her feelings or not. At this point, it’s her decision. You could certainly try asking her again after a while.
