Dumped after 13 y realationship :(

@hayz

Very similar situations here, met my ex while on a fellowship year in the States but had to leave after 6 months of a blissful relationship since my visa ran out. We decided to stay together and planned for me to move back so I could live with him. He has a stable life there so it was out of question for him to leave it behind for me and move away. Anyway, we decided it would be best for me to go back and we managed to keep our long distance working pretty well with the help of whatsapp and skype. He came to visit me and met my parents and we were planning to go on a Eurotrip or me to visit him for Xmas. So things were going very well, he kept telling me how much he missed me and we made plans for our future when suddenly (after he came back from visiting me and his family afterwards), things started going downhill. He started telling me he felt depressed that I wasn’t there, picked fights, was very critical of me, told me I wasn’t trying hard enough to go back etc. It got to the point that he set a deadline on our relationship. If I didn’t manage to go back by November that would be the end of it as he didn’t want to wait forever. Red flag right there but I missed it. Mind you, finding a job in a foreign country without any support is extremely tough and he wasn’t really doing much to help me out except complain. When I brought it up, he initially agreed with me and then said he was gonna try to be more helpful. I thought it was a good sign and he finally understood what I was going thru but some time later an old issue came up and we got in a huge fight and soon after that he broke up with me. Told me he didn’t feel any love for me anymore and the distance made it worse and he resented me for the way I bossed him around, told him what to do etc. etc. Basically, it all sounded like a lot of bs and that he just wanted out and came up with all those excuses to make it look like it was my fault. My friend told me he wasn’t ready for me and seemed very unsure about our relationship in the last month. My world came tumbling down obviously since I really thought we were gonna make it thru hard times and really hoped he was the one (he had also told me I was his soulmate). Turns out I was wrong.

I’m still trying to go back to where he lives, not for him but to pursue better options for myself. I don’t know if we stand a chance if I move back there but I’d love to go back to what we had since it was absolutely wonderful. We made each other very happy. How can I trust him again after this thou? I guess we hadn’t been together long enough (13 months) for him to make up his mind if I was worth the trouble but he kept telling me he loved me and wanted me back and wanted us to live together and try to build a life. Maybe I’m too old fashioned and take this stuff too seriously but we’re both adults (29 and 34) and I thought if a person says something at this age they stick by it. I know I wasn’t the best gf at a distance and I wasn’t there when he got lonely but it wasn’t my fault. He should know me better than that. Besides, we’re all human and I may have showed him the ugly side of me when I was depressed, unemployed and missing him badly but that’s also part of me that he’s got to accept it. I can’t always be the happy, funny person he met and fell in love with. So don’t blame yourself for “not being the same person and looking negative”. We all act differently depending on our circumstances but your essence doesn’t change. If he knows and values who you really are, he’ll love the negative, depressed and grumpy you just as much. I’m sure he’s not an angel either (my ex sure wasn’t but that didn’t make me resent him!)

To cut this short, even if our exes come around and want us back (for example when we’re back in their cities), we should really give it a second thought before accepting them. If they’ve dumped us once already, who’s to say they won’t do it when s*** gets rough again? It doesn’t mean they’re bad people, I still love my ex and think he’s a wonderful man that any woman would be lucky to have but they simply didn’t have the balls to come through for us. Whatever it is, do not blame yourself and just try to focus on the positive things in your life.

@hayz

Wow, that’s pretty crazy shit that your ex ran off with your friend and moved to his country with her! Definitely sounds like a rebound to me, what’s more it sounds like he simply put her in your place in the plans YOU made together. That must have really sucked for you! I think some men are just weak and can’t wait for too long for one woman (they want instant gratification). I’m pretty sure my ex didn’t jump into a new relationship right after we broke up but honestly it didn’t make it any easier for me.

Good for you that you’re enjoying your new life! I’m also the same: lived and traveled in many different countries and feel very confident outside of my comfort zone pretty much anywhere. Maybe these guys just can’t handle us since we’re such cool chicks:) Also it’s awesome that you have your ex’s family’s support. Unfortunately in my case my ex’s family was very much against me (although they didn’t even know me but they’re just very conservative and wanted him to end up with someone from his own culture!) I suspect it also had an effect on him since he started acting up after visiting his family back in his home country.

What you said about your ex knowing he treated you badly but not acknowledging it is also true. I think my ex is doing the same, acting like nothing happened and outright refusing to acknowledge that he hurt my feelings. He simply shuts down any conversation about it and acts as if he’s the “good guy” and handled everything so well. Of course nobody wants to think of themselves as a*holes even if they act that. Don’t worry, what goes around comes around and if he’s wronged you it’ll haunt him one day. If he doesn’t look as happy with his new gf maybe it’s because deep down it’s already bothering him. He can run away from everyone but not from himself…

@hayz Hmm yeah, no remorse in this situation is pretty messed up. But I’m sure it will come soon.

I can’t complain about my ex not staying in touch during our LDR, he was actually pretty good at it seeing how it was his first time. We chatted and Skyped a lot and he wanted me to constantly stay in touch. At the same time, he still did his own thing with friends etc. and I was happy he was doing it although I must admit I was jealous that I wasn’t there to enjoy it with him but I didn’t want to smother him. But the last month he had a huge conference to work on and he told me to leave him alone cuz he didn’t have time for me plus he wanted some space to figure things out. Honestly, I handled it pretty badly cuz it upset me a lot and things just got nasty from there. I’m not proud of my behavior during that period. Basically, LDR sucks:((( But people make it work, you just need BOTH parties to be equally invested in it which unfortunately didn’t happen in our cases.

I haven’t moved back to his country and not sure if I will any time soon (I’m looking for a job there but it’s extremely tough). I’m not worried about it, just gotta do what is best for me right now. If I ever go back, I have a group of friends there and will be able to lead a good life without him. If he wants to come back into the picture, I’ll be happy to give him another chance as I still have very strong feelings for him.

I don’t think his life without me is that bad or ever will be. He’s pretty well-off with a great job and a good social circle and although he told me often that I made his life much better and more meaningful, I don’t exactly expect him to be depressed without me and come running back. He’s simply not the kind of a person to look back and regret his decisions easily. Unless I show up in his town looking hotter and happier than ever, I’m afraid there’s no chance in hell he’ll start thinking what he’s missing. Then again, who knows… As they say where I’m from: “Another person’s soul is always in the shadow.”

That was a bit of a rant, sorry about that:) Hope things work out for you too!

@hayz
Yes, we’ve been thru that too, me wanting to Skype more and him being busy and all. I guess that’s pretty normal. We had an 11 hour difference so I know that’s tough. My ex also started school the month that we broke up and, like you said, school + work just became more important to him. He simply couldn’t handle that while also being in a LDR.

It’s not that he resented you, he just resented the whole situation. My ex also twisted a lot of the things that I said but once he got it in his head, there’s no point trying to argue. Unfortunately, I realized it too late. Could have saved myself many hours of bitter arguments.

Thanks, I’ll keep you posted on how it goes for me!