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Hey @seldog09
Well I asked him to message me more and skype because I thought he could do it more. I think the distance kiiled it and this other girl sniffing around. Also he was stressed with uni and I was stressed and down and think he felt pissed off at that and resented me for not letting him deal with uni and thinks I didnt want him to enjoy himself. Which isn’t true as he has seen all the messages I said about me hoping he had free time for fun.
I know things would have to be left in the past, it just hurts that he was such a great guy and we were so good together always happy and laughing and to think he gave up on me and our relationship so quickly and started something with this girl that there seems to be no future in and only knowing her for some months where as we had been together for over a year and planning our life together.
Aaah break ups. So hardAnd here is the followup to my story.
So I was back there in my home city to visit parents and friends. I got a ticket much earlier – it was supposed to be a visit to my ex-fiancee’s Bday which was on the 15th..
All was going pretty good – it was already about a month of the 2nd NC period – I was in a good mood and feeling quite confident and decided to move on myself. And I actually had ‘a date’ on Saturday – which went pretty good, heh.
I’ve decided not to see my ex and reduce my contact with her to text simple Bday wishes and ask her to bring rest of my stuff to her parents’ so I can take it from there without meeting her.
She seemed ok with that, was polite and all, I was cool. She couldn’t find one of my things so we were texting back and forth but nothing other than about the stuff and about the dog (I took the dog from her parents and was staying with me for the few days). I had a small chat with her father while taking the dog from him – which was not nice but I’ve decided not to worry about it – and I pushed a veeery brief info that I’m seeing someone already (which is true) and it’s going good for me and I don’t care anymore.
Then on the night before my flight home she texted me that she has found my stuff in the cellar and will bring it to her parents – she texted that at 3 am, lol. Then asked why am I so angry that I didn’t want to meet her and anything.
In the morning I texted that I don’t think there is any purpose of us two meeting anymore – and she replied that she wanted to talk about the dog (it is all because she has found it difficult to take care of the dog being alone, working etc. but she wants to keep the dog).
I told her that I already told everything to her father and have nothing more to say about it.
She replied ok and she will not bother me anymore and that she is surprised I talk to her that way (indifferent) and what is wrong with me and she thought “we can talk like adults” (yeah right – read my first story anyone). I said “you must be kidding me” – she said that I was different when contacting her before (I was very nice and interested to her) – so I said that she treated me different before also (when we were together that is) and that I am normal/neutral to her. She replied ok and maybe we should’t talk. I didn’t reply to this.
In the morning unfortunately I went to give the dog back to her parents and take my stuff from them.
I had a conversation with her father which pissed me off – let’s say he started to put the most of the blame on me etc. and blackmailed me about the dog – that I might not see the dog anymore etc.
I must add that my ex’s mother is still in a bad condition/worse than I thought – depressed because all what has happened and on meds. I’m very sorry for her but it was not my decision after all and I am the one who suffered in the first line.
OK and here is where I probably made a mistake (in terms of my mind comfort).
I was pissed because of my ex’s father so I texted her and told her I don’t like the blackmail and I hope she will take a good care of the dog.
She replied that I could talk to her personally and not her father and that she wanted to meet but I didn’t. Yeah but she never mentioned she wanted to meet!
And said she doesn’t know what about the dog and it is my decision and she doesn’t want to argue – wished me luck and safe trip home.
I was still pissed (about the dog issue) so told her ok let’s meet now outside for a minute (my she was at her parents’ and they live just by my parents so..). She agreed.
So we met. I was cool – showing no neediness or sadness (as I actually didn’t feel any of this),
she seemed cool also, not happy, not smiling – just calm. We were talking about the dog and she said that she thought we would meet for a coffee or something (yeah but she didn’t offer that before herself). Then it all went back to what has happened between us. She said she didn’t contact me during Xmas cause she thought it would renew the pain and give me hope or something. And she waited for me to send the wishes as well. She said that she heard that I’m seeing someone and she want’s all the best for me.
I was rather calm and confident but unfortunately told her some unpleasant stuff also and maybe showed I have anger inside. At some point she became sad and started to weep and told about her mother that she is not well and is worried also about how I am (her mother).
Then we just went our ways – and I returned my ‘new home’.
But all this made me very sad and brought back everything. In my mind I keep seeing her standing there sad and weeping, I think she has lost weight she didn’t look too good, her eyes were ‘grey’ – without the spark. I was feeling better before – was sure I want to move on and started not to care about the past and about her. But now she is in my mind again and I feel so horrible about all this – I try to remember what she did to me and she made my suffer the horror and so I shouldn’t worry about her and her mother right now. But I can’t – I feel broken again 🙁
I feel all this (meeting) was a mistake.
Few hours later I texted her that I didn’t want it to go that way and that I am sorry I told some unpleasant stuff and it was because her father irritated me with his talking. I wish her the best and I want to shut that door. And that I wasn’t going to see her but I have a letter/email I wanted to send – and still can if she wants to read it.
She replied I can send it and apologised for hurting me and not contacting me before.
As you can think my letter was something like the magic letter – before – but at this point I actually lost my interest in reconciliation and didn’t really plan to send it anymore. But after all this I edited it a bit and sent it to her yesterday evening.
If you guys are willing to read my letter and tell your thoughts about it – I’d be happy to post it here for you input.
Anyways in spite of the fact I feel a bit brought down and try to get back up again – I feel like I regained the power in the relation with my ex. I don’t know if she replies my letter and I do not wait for that. But to be honest it was painful for me seeing her weeping (she didn’t say anything about reconciliation I don’t see she would think about that) I just hate to see her hurt 🙁
Sh.t I feel like my heart is bleeding again:(
And here is my letter to my ex. It was supposed to be ‘the magic letter’ before but now it has become something like a closure letter I don’t know…
”
There is so much I wanted to say to you, talk about all what has happened but now that some time has passed and after you just cut me off I’ve decided there is no point – that is why I don’t want to see you.
I don’t know what you feel and am not sure if you know it either. What did you mean when you said you don’t love me – love in a long-term relationship is something different than holiday crush and fucking. I did love you and all the things I was doing for you – now you say it is standard in all long-term relationships, yeah right – were the sign of my care and love for you.I never wanted to make you unhappy, you know I’d never hurt you, I’d give my life for you – I didn’t know you were feeling that bad in our relationship. I was looking at our last photos after all this and you didn’t look unhappy. It is a pity that you didn’t talk to me about it before – not during an argue when people say things they don’t really mean to.
Anyway if you were feeling that bad about our relationship and you thought it all over – and it is not just a self-justifying for the cheating – it was obviously better to break up. I just feel sorrow that you did it this way – it was a huge shock for me as I’d never ever expect you to act like this. I don’t think I am a bad person an I just didn’t deserve such a treatment.
I know it is not all black and white situation and the fault is in both of us but I think you were a bit unfair in your judgment and what you said. What ahas that you missed in me? I gave you my time and attention, I cared about you, gave you support, we have had mutual plans for life. I went abroad to work here for the future of both of us – and after what has happened it all is a waste and I see no point.
My depression and financial issues with my parents those are temporary troubles – I fight it.
I know it took time but why did you do all this now when I’ve sorted most of it – as I promised you – by the end of the year. There are all kinds of problems we come upon in life – is that the way you will always behave in the future? Were those the major reasons why you’ve written off what was between us? You want to erase all we’ve been through these 13 years?It is still me – the one you’ve met back then on the walk with Dee //her dog//, the on who came visit you in Croatia with the tent //I was travelling to pick her up after her student exchange there//, lightened up the candles on the rocks of that little bay at night //she sooo loved this surprise – and her girl friends the next day when they’ve found the rest of the candles – they didn’t know who’s were those but were greatly impressed//, the one who used to support you through all your university and was there to listen all the grievances about how bad they treat you at work..
The one who walked you to the parking lot with Kiwi //our dog// every morning when you rushed to work and picked you up there in the evening when you were returning home tired and with your heavy handbags.
Relationships change, evaluate – it never stays as it was at the same beginning – wine, chit chat and fucking. There ALWAYS comes the everyday life don’t you understand that?
But please don’t say that you’ve don’t things for me too cause I KNOW THAT – but it was not me who dumped you, I’ve never cheated on you and I can’t even imagine how could I make you hurt like that. Just some time ago I missed you like crazy and I desperately wanted to sort all this out. But I did lots of thinking – are you worth all this what I was through because of you last months and what side of you I’ve been shown. You acted mean and like a 15yo immature girl. You went for your holiday trip and what – some sleazy guy said some nice words and done nice things and suddenly you are in love? You felt like a woman? That is so trivial don’t you really see how it looks like? The guy used you and the fact you were in this point in life when you’ve had doubts about us. Back then I’ve seen many of his girl friends from his FB making those sweet selfies with the guy and I’d never think you could be one of those…
I want to believe that you’ve never cheated on me before – that was the one and only time. But I’m not sure anymore. Honestly I’ve tried to understand what were you feeling and why did you do that.
I really don’t feel any hate towards you and I don’t want revenge – I forgive you. For myself cause it looks like you don’t need it and you don’t care much. But I will never forget this lesson.I searched advice and read psychological articles and it all forms a coherent in some kind of a relationship pattern. Now I know that because of me being all around you, doing everything for you, sometimes being needy and clingy you’ve seen me as a pussy, a week man and lost all the interest and respect for me. You’ve lost interest and started to drift away and then on your trip came the final impulse – that sleazy guy. But what kind of person you must be to do that to me – did I ever hurt you like that?
I just can not understand if you were emotionally distant already – so why when I was far away already you talked to my like ‘my Anna’, even intimate stuff on Skype, you called me your ’tiger’ – it is not the way to act for a person who wants to distance herself.
But it comes out you are sure of your choice and you don’t miss ‘us’. Your place under my arm. Remember every time we were spooning in bed you always said it is your place by my side and you fit there perfectly.I regret that you weren’t willing to give ‘us’ a chance here //in another country after we both move// starting something new and trying not to repeat the bad pattern.
I know what is that you expect from me in terms of my lifestyle – and I’ve already made changes, and the life here is different but you didn’t want to listen to me – it looks like I wasn’t worth of giving me/us a chance. You prefer to ‘try others’ now and you think it is all going to be perfect.I’ve already started to get out of the hell I’ve been for the last months. Of course I’m not a happy man but I try to think positive – that there is something in this life for me.
Anyway I’ve came up to terms with your decision.I didn’t know that your mother is worried about me / and she shouldn’t be – it is enough that my parents are worried. I am terribly sorry she is not feeling well because all of what happened and I hope she will recover soon.
But now I have to think and care about my parents – now it is just them left around for me.It hurts me a lot when I see you sad and unhappy and I sincerely wish you all the best.
Go sort you life out and search for happiness. Maybe you’ll finally find it – but you should look for it inside you because no other person can give you happiness.
”Sorry for the length of my posts I hope someone will get through heh.
Any comments welcome. I am not sure how will she react. I wanted it to be polite and soothing somehow but I think there are some bitter words also.Hey,
You handled it pretty well. It would’ve been better just to meet up with her since it was the second NC period anyway..and you felt pretty good about the situation. Speaking with her father only agitated you.
I’d like to inquire as to why the father was so shitty toward you? Could it be because your ex isn’t really handling the breakup as well as you thought? Maybe she doesn’t look so good because of her mother’s condition and the fact you two broke up.
The letter was a great idea. I think if you provide her with comfort (and having some control over the situation) you may open the door to reconcile. If that’s what you choose.
Hang in there.
Thanks LAbound.
Well as for her father’s attitude – we’ve had a talk about all the situation with the breakup and whos fault was it etc. I think some time before he was more understanding towards me and full of regret of what has happened. I think now he is more concerned about his wife’s health and the dog issue. He is very hard to talk with cause he hardly accepts any logical arguments (he was always like that). And my ex is his doughter afterall so he is sorry for her and concerned about her future obviously. Anyway I can not tell how is she coping by his behavior – I didn’t ask and he wasn’t telling anything about that.I’m sure she doesn’t look good because of her mothers issues and she works a lot and is obviously tired. As I said it was hard for me to see her in this shape and weeping. It is not my intention to make her hurt so… Anyway she didn’t say anything about her being wrong or about reconciling. I think she want’s to stay friends and in good relations but I’m not sure if it is what I want. Last two weeks I was feeling good and quite confident about me moving on without her but this meeting has thrown me off balance – but I didn’t let her see that.
For now the letter has been sent and if nothing occurs I plan to go infinite NC from my side.
Maybe what needs to happen is her mother to improve..and some really good communication between the both of you over a period of time.
If you have moved on to an extent, and she doesn’t want to get back together right now, you can build communication and trust through false friendship. Doesn’t mean you have to be around her all of the time, or talk to her tons… but she may need a trustworthy, gentle friend right now. Just something to consider. In the process, you can show her what a “pussy” you aren’t!
I’m sure she will write you back or respond in some other way.
Well the thing is that I am not sure if I want her back anymore – and do I want to keep any contact with her not mentioning the friendship. Maybe it is a stage / a part of the process and it will eventually pass to another stage in which I would like to be friends. I don’t know. Right now after my visit I got a bit confused.
Her mother was positive that we will sort this out and that my ex just needs some time and space… yeah but that was 3 months ago and it looks like nothing has changed in my ex’s mind. I know she (her mother) worries about me and our relationship obviously – and the news that we’re not going to reconcile will surely not help her recovering:/ Now at the end of our short meeting my ex said in tears that she has to tell her mother that we were nice and friendly to each other otherwise she’ll ‘not be well’.
What do you guys think of my letter itself? Is it ok or is there too much grief and blaming?
I’ve tried to keep it cool and not to hurt her. Actually I wanted to soothe her a bit after our meeting – I felt sorry for her and her mother. I was so indifferent towards her – I think that is the way to go according to all advices but I don’t feel good about it right now:/ When I think of it now I’d like to hug her… damn I’m loosing it…
your letter could’ve been better. there was a finger being pointed within it, and to me it read that you still have forgiveness and healing to do.
Both people in a beak up go through pain and confusion. That’s why the letter is supposed to be a sign of your awareness coming through of what you could’ve done better and that you understand her need to step away from the situation. In my opinion, the letter is supposed to be step toward reconciliation and at the very least healing so that the lines of communication can open with a fresh start and new outlook.
Your letter had quite a bit of negativity in it.
Yes I thought there is a bit too much negetivity.
This letter was supposed to be a goodbye letter as I started to feel better with all this situation – but then I’ve decided not to send it but just stick to infinite NC.Now after seeing my ex I was feeling bad/sorry for her and decided to change the letter a bit (yes it is more cool and polite now haha) and send it through.
Anyways yes I think there still is more work ahead untill I will be totally over it.
It’s all a process Kiwi. No matter where this goes, you’ll be a happy and fulfilled person. Especially if you strive for it.
Keep us posted 🙂I’ve just got a response for my letter.
It is written in a strange official manner and expains her point of view and decisions/ apoligies. She wishes me luck and hopes that some day when I get better we can meet and talk normally.She is in this new “relationship” ( with the guy she cheated me on – in the end).
He is few years older, has a 9yo doughter and they live like 3000 km away.
But she says it is a decent man and has serious plans towards her… Yeah right.Anyways I have to say that after our short meeting and talking I stared going down again. And today my self confidence is quite low.
I think this is over for now and I should move on.
The way I see it Kiwi, is that she is testing other areas right now.
Notice she said that when you get better you two can meet up and talk normally? That letter, man. lol
Moving on is what we all have to do for the betterment of ourselves. It doesn’t mean not strive for a new relationship with our exes, but get to a point where we are better so we can get them (or someone even more suited for us) back.
I have moved on from my relationship. Almost 9yrs with my ex. I felt betrayed on more than a few levels. My ex has sought me out repeatedly, but I am in such a good place… I can control my emotions, and I don’t give in to her. I bet it stuns her because before, in the relationship, and after the breakup…I gave in to her so much. lol I was a mess. But I got better. I became stronger, and I can finally see a future without her. That’s where it can turn around.
Finding ourselves and healing can attract so much. Not just our exes but opportunities and happiness.. the possibilities are endless. We open ourselves back up to amazing things. That’s a beautiful things, and I am extremely confident that you will get there. You will get to the point where you see or hear from your ex and you won’t have relapses. You’ll appear wiser, more confident, emotionally steady.. and you may attract her back. But fuck.. at that point you might realize you don’t want her.
Yes she said it was hard for her to read my letter – but as I said it wasn’t supposed to be the ‘magic letter’ (thus I’ve tried to plant few positive anchors in it-to bring back good memories of me/us) but some kind of a closure letter. I’ve sent it now just because I felt sorry for how our meeting went and I felt sorry for her being sad and all. I wanted to give some explanation to why have my feelings and my behaviour towards her changed.
Now I feel it was a mistake to see her – and it was something I didn’t want to do – I didn’t reach out- the circumstances kind of made me.
@LAbound you commented I handled the situation rather well – and yes I felt like I took the power back after my visit in the city as I wasn’t needy or clingy but I was indifferent and maybe not too nice (she wrote that I appeared angry and nervous – but it was the situation with her father and our dog that made me really angry). But today I fell like I’ve ruined all my “getting better” work 🙁 I mean after her letter I can see she is doing “fine” and I stopped being sorry for her. But I myself feel broken again 🙁 Lost it…Obviously I am /and was not over all the situation yet (2 NCs of 1mnth length) and maybe seeing her moving on without regrets hurts me deep down. Anyways message to other ppl here – DON’T CONTACT your ex if you are not 100% sure you’re ready – or you’ll get hurt again.
As for her “new relationship” – I think it as an absurd /rebound?/ because :
1. she has met the guy on her holidays – when we were still officially together and I wasn’t aware what’s coming – and he was her Couchsurfing host /yep…/
2. I’m pretty sure it is now a LDR cause he lives in Portugal and she’s 3000 km away in another country. And the’ve seen each other literally for just a few days- on her holidays/ I am not sure if they’ve spent NY eve together but I am quite sure she has no time for travel right now and the guy has his own stuff to run.
3. He has his life /doughter, business/ in Portugal and she has to finish her doctor specialisation in another country. So she has to stay there for at least 9 months and even then she has to keep working + study for her big final exam – and I don’t see any future for her in Portugal, lol.
4. She engaged in this new relation without any bereavement after our 13 years together. I am aware that – if it is true – she might get emotionally distanced from me sometime before – but is that enough to get fully healthy detached of that strong bond we’ve had? In the letter now she wrote that when I was gone abroad she didn’t miss me – she was rather “euphoric” – and worried about this feeling.
No wonder that her mum is so extremely worried about all this and her daughter’s future that she got into depression – but it had and still has no impact on my ex’s perception. Well it is her life, let her have it.
@LAbound could you remind me how long did it take you to get in the place you are now? I’d sooo like to be in the same point with my feelings.
I only just got to feel better few days after the NY eve so..Thank you for you input.
Do you think I should reply something to say that ‘maybe one day’ etc – to keep the lines open for possible future or just go silent?
Today she has sent me a photo of our dog. She knows I love and miss the dog that is why. Later we texted a little – I just wanted to apologize for some harsh words I said before and for that she felt bad about our relationship (as she said she felt bad and the love was gone). And she apologized for how she has ended the relationship etc. But told me her feelings to all this situation and towards me haven’t changed – she doesn’t feel love anymore.. Well I think it is over and nothing is going to change that.
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