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Hey guys I need help cause currently I am in despair after my fiancee (13 years relationship) left me in a very bad way. 2 months after that I still can’t cope and it seems to get worse (apart from that I have had depression issues before).
I am 34 she is 32, we were living together for 9 years. I always thought this is it, we were good together but as it is in long term relationships there was less bliss and more real life from day to day. It is not like I didn’t pay attention – I was caring, thoughtful, always there to support, flowers with no occasion just to make her happy. Unfortunately I got into some financial trouble because of my father and it all got me into depression. I become less active and had periods of sadness and no energy – obviously. That was about 2 years ago and lasts. She was really concerned and tried to help me, support. But I think she couldn’t cope anymore – can’t blame her but on the other hand we were the closest to each other so who should I ask for support if not the closest person?
About 3 months ago I came to the UK cause the company wanted me to work here in the office. We both decided that this is a good chance and I should go and wait for her to join later (as she is a doctor on the finish of her specialisation so she has to stay back home for some months yet). We both wanted to come here and build future. I came to prepare the ground for us. Everything seemed fine, we were in the contact on Skype almost everyday talking, even intimate stuff. Then she went to Portugal to visit her student sister. It was all good until she came back home. For first 2 days she didn’t have time to talk to me on Skype, then it came to a small txt fight on whatsapp and she wrote some disturbing stuff about me being better without her etc. The Next day we had a talk and it came out she wants to have a break/she doesn’t feel this anymore/she treated me like a brother for few last months/wanted to break earlier but didn’t know how to do that. And that she met a guy in Portugal, slept with him and it is because she fell in love.
I was her first man, we were good together, wonderful sex and same interests and morals and now it all came on me shocking. I don’t think she fell in love cause she is not 15 and she knew him for few days. I think she really wanted to break and needed an impulse – and got it (she said that at some point too). Anyway she did apologise, she did feel bad and all, but she didn’t regret it and her decision to break is final. That all happened on Skype and whatsapp with me being alone in foreign country…I thought I know her, she was not that kind of person, and now she appeared like someone with a heart of stone.. Anyway unfortunately I did beg her to rethink it and that I could forgive her but we must try to work it out. Of course with no success, she didn’t want to talk to me and told me she needs time and space and we are both free.
After about a month I went there had a talk with her (it pissed her off when I arrived at the beginning)- I was calm, but I tried to convince her and I think I was needy. I took my things from the flat and just said it is a mistake and that she took care about her. She was also in a bad condition it was very painful.
She didn’t talk about her decision to anyone, her parents and her sister ar as shocked as me but it was hard even for them to talk to her. As she was closed to any talking/ advice.Anyway we had no contact since the middle of November – she didn’t care what is going on with me in spite of that she said before that she will be worried about me and stuff. We have a dog together whom she has to give her parents to take care of (cause she works a lot) and because of some issue with the dog I had to txt her (few days ago) what is the problem. She was nice but distanced and didn’t even ask how am I. Unfortunately the next day we had a chat again and I said I miss her.. She said she misses me too but wants some time to rest and doesn’t want nothing now. It is about 2 months since the ‘breakup’ and I see (imagine) she is still ok with that. And I’m in total despair.
Is there any chance of getting her back? I know I have to get my shit together, and rethink if she is worth it. But I just wish I could see throughout her cause it is all so painful now to think she is over a 13 years relationship just like that..
I’m having tough times now cause it’s the Xmas and New Year and stuff. I did manage to stop myself from sending her Xmas wishes (although don’t know is it good? Anyway she didn’t send me anything either – like she totally forgot about me).
It’s her birthday in January and I will be around – first thought to visit her and try to talk like adults about our options – but still am not sure.Please advise anyone cause I can’t stand all the thoughts in my head anymore.
I know exactly what you mean. I was dumped last Friday after 14 years because she wanted time for herself and although we had planned on getting married, some financial trouble on my end currently prevents that. She has been talking to a guy out of state she knew when she was little but hasn’t seen in 30+ years, and wants to see where that goes. I think the two are the same in that 1) they have always been in a relationship and have never really been single and 2) they have been with us a long time but never saw the relationship moving forward very fast.
I think that they need time to see that life without is isn’t going to be all they thought it will be, plus we need time to get are lives together physically, emotionally and financially. If they really loved us, and I believe they did, when we get our act together they will want back in.
If I were you, I would let her know you will be in town around her birthday and you don’t want her be surprised if she sees you around. Don’t ask to see her. If she wants to see you (and she most likely will) she will somehow let you know after you tell her.Similar background for me too, guys. My ex also said she wants time away from that relationship before reconnecting. And wants to remain friends. (I shut that down)
Our relationship lasted almost 9 yrs and we were each others first. She made comments that she didnt know herself without me. That she wanted to explore life without me and have a limitless life. Which hurt because I never put restrictions on her. Im not the jealous or insecure type and she did whatever she wanted. I also entered a state of depression, I had no job, barely making it through school. She always spoke of having marriage and babies but I wanted to wait due to finances. Then we started to fight. She was barely out of the relationship when she slept with someone else and thought this person could be the one. It lasted just over a month.
My ex still wants me in her life, but is in a serious relationship with someone new. Ppl tell me it’s another rebound.
My ex hasnt taken time to digest the breakup. Went from me to her first rebound back to me, then to her new relationship. She “wants to see where it goes” but the way she speaks about the new guy, she is just content. Shes not in love or having excited feelings about him. She just says she enjoys and looks forward to their hangouts. Theyve been together just over a month now.
I laid everything out for my ex (after being broken up for 7 months) that I want to date her. Not be in a relationship but date as if we are just meeting for the first time. She kept thinking relationship with me as I kept saying date me. And it didnt go well. She became stressed out and hostile. So I knew that she still held on to the negative more than the positive…and I needed to wait longer. She said it would have to be a year before she considered it. I told her im not going to be her friend. She talks to me as if we are more than friends and told me i soothe her soul. Friends dont talk like that to each other. Then, in a facebook message, I told her never to contact me again. That I dont blame her for everything however I do blame her for a few things. And I left it at that. Idk if we will ever speak again.
So, my advice is to not speak to her. NC for a long time. There’s websites that say false friendship to attract ex back, but in my case that cant happen. Ive been her “friend” since the breakup and it hasnt worked. So I am going NC, getting my life right, and after some time.. possibly two years, I will see where she is at in life.
I hope by telling you my story, you can find comfort knowing you arent alone, and you can use it to help create a roadmap of what you feel you should do.
Our advantage of being in long term relationships is that there is a very strong bond created. It takes a lot to destroy it. And it is our greatest tool and biggest weakness in this entire process.
I was dumped from a 10 year relationship. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone in this!!
I agree with @LAbound on what you should do. Ultimately it’s all up to you though.It will get easier. It’s only just begun to get easier for me now and it was over in September. It can take a long time but the very best advice is to get new hobbies, be social even if you feel rubbish, continue to be social even if it was rubbish and journal to get all your feelings out.
For example you could journal for 15 or 30mins a day where you have to journal for 30 days. You’ll be so sick and tired of writing about her and the situation that at the end of it you will strugge to come up with stuff to write.Getting over an ex is like getting over an addiction – and I think it helps to see it in that objective manner. So let’s kick the habit and see where we are in the future
Thank you for replies!
Dondi I think you are right as for the 2 points you’ve given.
Well it is quite “funny” when I was shocked to hear about the breakup I told her I was giving her time and attention, I was there for her, doing stuff at home, making dinner/ supper when she got back late from work, just thinking of her – and she just replied something like “well I’m sure it is that way in all long term relationships”.So yeah I’m quite sure that she might get disappointed sometime and might rethink. The thing is that I’m not going to wait here while she is ‘trying’ with other guys. And I want her to know that – if you want to go testing there is no way back. Something like “if she loves you she will eventualy come back” doesn’t work for me.
All this need for time and space is just bullsh.t – as for my relationship – cause she had time for herself, she could go out with her girlfriends, she could go to conferences (while some of her married friends couldn’t cause the husband didn’t like that). She had all my trust.
I’m on NC now – didn’t send xmas wishes, and didn’t get any from her (hurts cause I keep thinking how can she just let go a person whom she lived and loved for 13 years!?)
The thing is as I said I will be in the town around her birthday – and will have to contact because of our dog ( I need to see the dog:)) and some of my stuff still is at her place. I’am not sure how will she react – she might give me the dog and my stuff via her parents so not to see me – but last time we’ve met (when I came for my stuff and to talk about all this sh.t) we anded quite “friendly” so I don’t think she will be avoiding me.
There is still some time for me to work on my confidence and my view on this so I will see if I want to talk to her about us or just let it go – depending on her reactions when we meet. Do you think I can try to talk straight about trying to renew the relationship and the future? I think if she will keep giving me this bullsh.t talking about time and space I will just let it go. Just want to try one last time I guess…Oh and here comes another thing about the hypothetical reconciliation – I live in another country now – was supposed to prepare the ground here and wait for her to finish her specialisation and join me sometime in fall. And even if we would both decide to try again – I don’t know how can we prevent ‘drifting away’ after all that happened and beiong in such a distance. Plus she has lost my trust in her..
I started to search the internet for advice and read some psychological stuff on women and it all messes my mind. They say women are just about emotions and you can’t try to talk to them with logic and stuff. I was always trying to keep good communication, we were talking about everything, we were true and honest. I would never think she could act like that. Not even talking about cheating but about her true feelings before.
I’m sure you guys know how painful it is when you are with someone for years and you feel like this is it and you know the person and then suddenly it all falls apart and you don’t recognise your partner anymore..
Yes I agree the bond in longterm reletionship is strong but it blows my mind and I keep thinking how can she just let it go and is not even interested how am I doing how do I spend xmas (totally alone). She seems so cold, selfish and distant 🙁
Everyone keeps telling me to let go that she is not worth it if she has done it and acts that way etc. but it just doesn’t do anything for me.
I even tried to date girls, had sex with other but that was no relief and my thoughts went back to my ex 🙁Thanks Aphrodite a journal might be a good idea as I still feel the need to let it all out and so many thoughts about all this situation in mind. And when I sort my thoughts maybe it will help to gain some perspective and see if I really want her back.
The good thing about NC is that it is kind of moving on in the sense you dont feel the raw feelings you did initially after the breakup. And you find you can be happy and can live without her.
I went through similar emotions when I found out my ex gave up on us and slept with someone else. I felt betrayed and rage. I went into rage mode several times in front of my ex which did nothing but tell her to get rid of me because the last three fights we had, I lost my temper. Which I had only done a handful of times in my entire life because stress and pressure.
Anyway…I guess what it comes down to (at least it did to me) we can either dwell on what our exes did, which will ruin any chance of us getting them back, or we can understand that they are humans with needs and can be just as hurt as we are. And use that understanding to create something beautiful to where nothing like that happens again.
Yep I understand what is the main purpose of NC – but it has been 2 months since this all happened and I am still in such a pain and all – I just hope it gets better with time but right now I still can not imagine my future life without her. Even if I keep telling myself what she has done and how she behaved.
And though I didn’t want to contact her during xmas myself (or do not contact first) – she did not contact me – although she knows I am here all alone. I really don’t think she is playing with me and the thought that someone whom you’ve been through 13 years just doesn’t care a sh.t about you is such a pain – it literraly crushes my heart to think about it.
LAbound I really try and can understand what she did and why. That is why I still think about trying to get her back – I could just tell myself ‘ah fuc.k that wh.re’ and move on. But I still care and tell myself she also needs help with all this cause she is lost. I just can not understand how could she just cut me off from her life like that. I don’t know if she hurts or really moved on. Still can not believe it. I thought there is a strong bond after all this time together – and you can not get over it just like that.
Hi Kiwi,
I’ve been dumped from an 8 year relationship, we were a day or two away from signing the contract to buying a house together. I sold my house etc… The whole lot down the pan just like that.
What did I do? I responded to an old ex drunkard text message and my now current ex doesn’t want to know me anymore. I’m the blame for the whole worlds disasters, for his crappy life, and everything inbetween.
Why I still want to be with him I’ve no idea.
NC has been great because it pulled me out of the intense raw feelings I had, the desperation and tears.
In the 13 days I now feel I can cope, yes I keep looking at my phone and wishing but im ok. I’m dealing with it.There is more to my story of course but just to let you know that there are a whole load of us that feel exactly like you do.
Thanks Belle. Yes I know there are more people with the same problem – and almost everyone of them thought – just as me – that their relationship is for a lifetime and the partner is “the one” etc. I’ve red many stories so far – and I’ve read yours. Some of them seem more “crazy” than what has happened to me. I know people get over and move on and some get back together – this is life and I believe bad things that happen to us just make us stronger.
I just hope this will not affect my future relationships – in a bad way – that I will be able to trust someone and will not change my attitute towards women and the way I treat my partner.
If someone reads this – it looks like we have survived all this Xmas time 🙂 Now just one week till the New Year and will see what it brings. Wish you all good luck whatever you decide to do with your situation.
If you are interested I will post the follow up to my story – probably after 14th of January cause that’s the time when I think it will all decide.
Till then NC!I just got to know that my ex mother is in hospital with heart problems after suffering from neurosis after all that situation. It was her father who informed my parents cause he had to ask them to take care of “our” dog for some time.
I’m still on NC and was not contacted also.I feel terrible because all this but it is not my fault right? It was not my decision and I am the one who’s been suffering right?
I like my ‘to be mother in law’ and I know she also can not accept what has happened and obviously does not support her daughters actions. But she – me ex does not want to listen to anyone – does not care of anything. I’m moving towards just forgetting about this ‘person’.I’m sorry to hear about your troubles.
It’s terrible when families get involved like that.
I’m sure that your ex mother medical problems were not brought on solely by the situation but had underlying problems that has just surfaced because of stress right now.Some people don’t know the stress they cause to another person. They are unaware totally and would not accept blame. You know, people push us away for reasons and it’s up to us to understand that. It’s all a learning curve finding out how people work.
Hope things get better.
Thanks Belle.They say time heals but it seems like things are getting worse in my head. I have no contact with my ex but can not throw it all from my mind and feel it all drags me down to depression. I should be ‘rebuilding’ myself but it is so hard to get over with when you’re alone with no one around to support.
Yeah, that’s the way forward.
I’ve come to the conclusion I can’t walk away nor can I move on. I’m happy with that. I’m going to improve myself, become more attractive and see where I am in a months time. There is no way I can move on like he wants me too. We can’t turn off emotions just to suit. If we could, this forum would t exist.I’ve not spoken to anyone about my problems, a few of my friends know we’ve split but you know, they’ve got their own lives and not got the time to spend hours listening to me.
I’m on my own and that’s that.
Hello everybody, here some info that could make you feel a little better and keep you motivated. You’re not alone, you may feel that your situation is the worst
in the world, I felt the same way.I’ve been dumped by my ex-girlfriend a month ago from a 8 year and half relationship.
I’ve been doing non contact since the second day of the break up. Until now I don’t know nothing from her.
@LAbound like you, we’re “kind” each others first, she told me that she saw me like a friend and didn’t feel the passion, but still loved me.
To keep it short she lost the attraction big time, I became more needy and insecure on the last year, it was a vicious cycle. When she break up with me I couldn’t
believe I thought I was gonna die.I agree with you @LAbound when you say the advantage of being in a long relationship is that the bond is strong, for that I feel the non contact period
Should be longer.Anyway, I have the luck of having a very good friend which I talk a lot and helped me lift my confidence.
Same as me he was dumped after 8 a year relationship (2 years ago). To make things worse there was some cheating involved in the final days of their relationship.
In the first 3 days after the break up he only ate a small cheese sandwich (he was alone in another country) he cried like a baby and he told me that he
was so close to throw himself out of the window just to end his suffering.A week later with tears in his eyes he closed his fist and with all his rage he smacked againt the wall and he promised that he’ll become stronger and improve his life and make his ex regret the day she left him.
Guess what, a year later she regretted big time, her life isn’t that great now, she dated a couple of assholes.
On the other hand my friend has a excellent girlfriend which loves him deeply.His ex told him that it was all an illusion, she thought that it was for the best, I guess that the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
My friend still admits that has feelings for her, but he would never hurt his current girlfriend going back with his ex. His goal was achieved, she regretted!Happened to another friend of mine too, dumped from a 7 year relationship, a year later she comes back crying. He told her the following:
“A year ago I couldn’t imagine my life without you, now I can’t imagine my life with you!” She cried like a baby.What those two my friends had in common? They become a better man and became happy, their exes became re-attracted! Unfortunately for their exes they had really moved on.
Back to me, I’m focusing in myself, I already lost some body fat and gained some muscle, bought some great clothes, restored my social life. I’m really focus
in self-improvement, changed my diet completely, I changed some things that initially I thought impossible, and still I feel I can improve much more.
Is it easy?! Hell no, far from it!! But the pain of the discipline is nothing compared with the pain of being dumped by the women you loved more than life itself.Think like this, anytime you contact them and you aren’t feeling real good you’re pushing them far away, it’s true, I’ve seen it in another relationships.
Our best chance of getting them back is non contact and a LOT of self improvement. Don’t be friends of you ex! Just don’t! Use only false friendship in the last
stage of getting them back.My friend already told me that he’s 90% sure that my ex will regret the day she left me, he tells me that I look better than the time when I was with my ex.
Still, now a month later I don’t feel prepared to contact her, it’s too soon, I will wait at leat more 3 more months.
I have a checklist that I need to do before contact her. I’m not confident enought…yet.
I really doubt that she contacts me, she is very proud, let’s see.Don’t get me wrong I still feel a lot of pain, is normal, but use this pain as a fuel. I’m guessing you’ll do anything for going back with your exes. This is it,
the price you need to pay, you best bet. Just do it!This is the law of nature, only the strong survive, you see it everytime in the jungle when the lion kills the zebra, diseases, etc, life is not fair, period.
It’s the same with relationships. Love is beautiful but it is cruel if it wasn’t, nobody would leave nobody.Here a post that helped me a lot: http://www.powerfulintentions.org/forum/topics/yess-you-can-attract-your-ex
And here’s a motivation video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JAHAFvcr2o#t=45 😀
Happy new year
Napoleon,
Thank you so much for your post. Im sure it will put a bit of life back into many (including me) who have been or are (because of the holidays) having a rough time and fluctuating emotionally.
I believe the holidays have been hard because my ex is spending them with her new guy. People have said it’s another rebound, but you never know.
I think theyve also been hard because it has been very tough getting on my feet. I still dont have a good social life (I moved away from the few friends I had to get away from my ex) and I had to quit the job I had due to moving out of a relatives house and in with my sister.
I feel pressured to improve as quickly as I can. Idk why I feel that way but I know it’s probably the biggest reason for my anxiety.
I am not actively trying to get my ex back but Im not completely over her either. I wrote a note telling her I was moving on so she would feel my loss. Up till then, she figured she’d be able to feel the comfort of me being around while getting the new excitement others could provide. I felt like not knowing what life was withput me was not helping me.
Since then, I feel less stable. There have been quite a few sad days.
Anyway. Thank you all for sharing.
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