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I’m sorry for digging out this old thread, but I feel I owe it to anyone who might still be reading this and to everyone who offered their advice and try help me out.
After all these years of silence, it turns out my ex unblocked and reached me out on FB again today, on Valentines Day (of all days!), with a message saying he missed our friendship and the great time we had together and asking if I was alright. Being pathologically curious, I clicked on his profile picture and saw he had been using the old picture I took all those moons ago when we were together since this past year.
I am not going to lie, this boosted my ego tremendously. I had closure before after I wrote that final message, back in 2015, but today getting his message cemented my feelings. I did the right thing back then. It allowed me to move on without negative feelings.
p.s. I don’t feel like responding, specially on this day. Maybe some time later I’ll just tell him to live a good, happy life and ask him to leave the past where it is.
I did it for myself, yes. At first, I was feeling pretty nervous not knowing what to expect after that, but now I’m really starting to feel a lot better! Calmer, like this is no longer a negative weight I need to carry in my heart. After the block, I kept wondering why and checking if I was still blocked. Shortly after I came here to find support and get things off my chest and was having trouble concentrating on other stuff. I needed answers and reassurance!
Now after the message I sent this morning, I no longer feel like I need to check if I am still blocked or have any urge to revisit our old chats, which is a really great progress for me. I think I’m finally ready to let go, I can’t tell you how liberating it is!
I probably won’t revisit this board again, as I think it’s time for me to stop thinking about breakups and the million reasons why people hurt each other. At this point, it would only hold me back and remind me why I found this site in the first place.
Thanks everyone for all your support and insights, you helped me a lot! Wish me luck! <3
Another update, if anyone is still reading.
Today I woke up with the feeling that the reason I feel stuck these last few days after I found out he blocked me is because I ended my last message in awful terms, saying he wasn’t my friend, blah blah blah and unfriending him after he apologized (it was a lame excuse, but he did say he was sorry).
So to give myself some closure, today I wrote him a text which I sent through whatsapp saying basically that I was in a pretty bad place 2 months ago, but I didn’t want my last communication with him to be negative, because it’s important to me be at peace, so I apologized for contacting him, even though I am blocked on facebook and wished him to be well and happy.
I sent this a few hours ago and I’m pretty sure he read the message because whatsapp informs me has been online after I sent the message. Also he hasn’t blocked me there, but he hasn’t unblocked me on facebook either.
I’m just hoping I can get some closure from all this and I hope I don’t regret it. I’m doing this more to help myself heal than to get any reply from him. Knowing his cowardly nature and tendency to avoid problems, I know I probably never will hear anything else. I wish I could say I feel better already, but things still feel pretty shitty. I hope time will help me overcome this.
Any thoughts into this would be really appreciated! (even if ou wish to say you don’t agree with what I did)
If he replies to that initial question, do not give any insight about how you are feeling. Be pleasant and kind, but avoid relationship topics. He needs to think you’re over him and in a good place. It will make you more desirable, as we tend to want the things we can’t have. If it takes time for him to reply, make sure it takes you even more time to reply back. Always be less emotional than him in and preferably use less words than he does. Good luck!
@peapod thanks for reading all this, I really appreciate it.
To clarify, I unfriended him and didn’t look at his profile at all during all this time and it was allowing me to heal. That is, until one fine day, more than a month later after I did it, I noticed some pictures I had in my profile were suddenly missing and then I realized those were “his” pictures, pictures he had posted and tagged me in. Like you, I didn’t know much about blocking people or being blocked on FB, so that confused me for a few minutes.
Anyway, curiosity got the best of me and I went to check his profile, which to my surprise seemingly didn’t exist anymore – it did, just not to me because I was blocked – and after a quick search on the web I realized what he had done.
So, I’m a bit angry with myself for caring so much. I was doing so well and then his block sort of made me focus on him again! It’s just like you said, he might just be competitive about who hurts who the most. And if that is the case, he might be using reverse psychology to get back at me and I fell into that trap. Or this could be really nothing… but it’s just so senseless, you know?
I didn’t try to reach him or visit his profile or make myself visible on FB through our mutual friends (only clicked “like” once on a mutual) and now he blocked me as if I was some crazy stalker – which I wasn’t. The real irony is that I only started checking his page after the block. I keep trying to make sense of it and end up running in circles inside my head. My imagination is really my worst enemy. 🙁
Well, his case improves a bit if he’s been the one initiating contact. However, I still say let him do all the work, do not reach him with sentimental stuff, please! I understand you still have feelings for him and you’re having a hard time keeping your emotions in check. I really get it. And I also imagine (if you’re like me) that this means sometimes you will feel as if you’re playing games and need to come clean. But here’s the most ironic thing ever: one of the reasons why he’s probably still trying to reach you is because you maintained your dignity and self respect by not initiating contact. If you try to reach him now, he may be deliriously happy the first few days, but then he’ll probably feel that you giving him another shot didn’t him cost so much after all and when guys don’t value what they conquer (in his case, your trust and affection) then he’ll start taking you for granted and not respecting you enough and end up doing the same stuff all over again. I hope this makes sense.
If he does love you and wants you back, he will need to up the ante and prove it with consistent actions. This means texts are really just a feeble attempt, something anyone can do when they have enough alcohol in their system. By all means reply him when he reaches you (always with less affection!), but don’t ever take the first step. Ever. You are now the unattainable woman and you’re more desirable than ever. Showing your vulnerability at this point will end up biting you in the long run.
@peapod first of all, thank you for sharing your story and I’m really sorry you’re going through this rough period
I think reading the old texts really stirred something inside you that, in my opinion, should have stayed buried. Time has made you forget horrible stuff (our coping mechanism makes us forget so we don’t stay miserable for the rest of our existence), so now you’re left with mostly good things. But the truth is that the bad things obviously outweighed the good at some point, otherwise you guys would still be together now.
I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I think in your case he messed up badly, he even admitted he fucked up. His words. And worst of all, he knows he did wrong, but so far he hasn’t reached out to you to put things right, he only reciprocates when you go out of your way to tell him how you feel. I’m sorry, but this seems all backwards. He should be trying to win YOU back, not the other way around. And in my opinion, until he does, I don’t think you should even contemplate a recovery plan. He’s really not worth it (up until the moment he isn’t). I’m not saying he is a bad guy or that he doesn’t like you. It’s just that he doesn’t like you enough, he doesn’t love you as you deserve to be loved.
So, in your place, I’d skip the loving texts (which you already sent multiple times in different occasions), package his stuff and send it without a note whatsoever. Get rid of reminders and stuff that may cause you to relapse again and resume all the other stuff you were doing that was helping you heal. Become whole again and try to forget he exists. If by some reason he does contact you, ponder if you still want him then and if you do, let him work all the way to win you back. Remember, you are worth it! Good luck 🙂
You’re absolutely right, Penelope. Thank you for getting back with such an articulate, intelligent reply. I deserve better than caring about what these dorks do or think or feel. It’s what got me in trouble in the first place!
I think I’ll add H. to my NC contacts now… LOL. Seriously, of course I’ll reply if he ever decides to say something again, but after all this mess I’ll never ever go out of my way again for any of these three stooges. I’m done!
Honestly, woman, now you’re just making excuses again to chicken out about your decision.
I agree with the others. Tell him you love him and then, depending on how he takes it, consider how you should inform him you are planning to leave. Again, you’re doing this for yourself, to be free, not him. Everything else will work itself out, even if it’s hard in the beginning. Be brave and strong! Do it! 🙂
Well, it turns out things could get even worse than they were.
My friend H. during his visit to my country, for the the first time ever, couldn’t find time in his schedule to visit me. I didn’t ask explanations, but he went out of his way to explain in detail all the things he would be doing that would keep him busy so we couldn’t meet. Namely that he was going to a soccer game with his nephew this afternoon and later tonight would have dinner with my ex (it’s my ex’s birthday). I told him it was ok, that of course I’d be sad not to see him, but it’s life.
Now comes the strangest bit: although he is going through a rough time (his marriage is on the rocks and he hasn’t confided in anyone yet but me), on Thursday he told me he didn’t want me to be disappointed in him for not meeting him and added that he wants me to keep being the same person as I always was and keep being his friend. I know this is a bad time for him – which is why at first I thought he’d definitely want to have a coffee, but his behavior (not meeting me) and his words really made me feel something was very off. I told him I only expected that him not meeting me right now had nothing to do with me not talking to G. (my ex). I didn’t say anything else and after this, he never replied again.
Now, just a few minutes ago on FB, I see H. posted a group photo with him, his nephew AND my ex hanging out at the soccer match! I know my friend H. doesn’t mean any harm and he probably didn’t mention anything in the chat so I wouldn’t be sad, but I can’t help feeling a bit hurt by all this. I don’t even know if they talked about me or not, they probably didn’t. But if they did and H. is acting this way, I fear this cut-off with my ex might have cost me a close friend. At this point, I don’t even know if I should like the photo or not and what message does that send. My ex has me blocked still, so I know he wouldn’t see my like on his account… argh, I’m overthinking all this, I know! And for such a stupid thing!
Anyway, I think I’m over reacting because of that damn photo: I just wasn’t expecting to see my ex in it… and now there he is looking happy and relaxed while I’m left feeling miserable and alone. A few months ago, a visit from H. was always a celebration. We would have all been together at the match having a blast. Now I’m here trying to concentrate on a report and feeling rejected by one of my best friends and that awful ex.
I’m in the wrong place, I’m not trying to get back with anyone, I’m trying to move on. I came here because I was trying to find closure and some answer that could explain my ex’s past behavior and I found the people on the forum kind and intelligent, so I stuck around. And I know he won’t be back… and even if he did in any shape or form, I already convinced myself I deserve better 🙂
Hi Alicia, I read your other topics and it seems you’re going through a really tough time. I’m so sorry!
In my opinion, I think the whole point of doing NC is that you get to have that time to focus on yourself, to grow confident again, regardless of what happens at the end of that period. Yes, there is a chance of him no contacting you again, particularly when:
1- he was the one who broke things off.
2- In your other posts you also said he could be dating someone else – an old friend, which would make it easier for him to not think about you as much.
3- He untagged your photos 7 weeks after the breakup.I don’t know your ex, but I’m sorry to say things are looking pretty grim at the moment in terms of getting him back. However, I do know that you shouldn’t contact him again unless he does. The more you contact him, the more he will be convinced nothing has really changed and will feel empowered by any signs you show him of needy behavior (such as texts, etc). The ball is currently on his court and if he doesn’t reach out, it’s really his loss. Believe that. The best thing you can do right now is look in the mirror and start falling in love with yourself and actually make yourself a priority because you’re fabulous. Soon enough, you’ll start to attract people who can see that too. I really hope things work out for the best in your case. If he doesn’t reply, don’t be sad for too long, i just means he never really deserved you and there is someone else out there who will benefit from his stupidity! Good luck 🙂
I half-wonder if P tried to win your ex’s loyalty as a way of cockblocking YOU. Is that too diabolical? Anyway, it seems like limiting contact with him is a good idea. He’s got WAY too much power over your life for someone you’re not even interested in….
I agree with you, and this is the reason why I never tried to reach P. during this NC. P. always acted like a really nice guy. Too nice, in fact. So nice that he insinuated himself in my life to the point where I found myself lying about a guy I was dating.
Writing this makes me realize I’m really tired of men and their BS. If only I knew the half of what I know now I wouldn’t have spent my time with those two! 🙁
Penelope, reading your posts makes me so emotional (in a good way), you have no idea! Perhaps it’s because I’m passing though this difficult time with my horrible ex and feeling disillusionment about men in general that the romantic side o mewants to counteract my cynicism and hope for something magical to happen… so if your story had a happy ending, it would somewhat restore my faith in men! (Ok, I really was just kidding about this last bit)
Seriously now, I do feel you are in the best frame of mind right now, for someone deeply in love as you seem to be. I don’t even know you, but I’m really proud to witness your journey and how much you have grown. It really isn’t about the men in the end an how they reply, is it? It’s how you conduct yourself and how you feel about yourself that really matters. No matter the result, I think you’ll manage to get through this feeling better about yourself and stronger than you’ve ever been.
Please keep us posted, we’re all rooting for you!
p.s. I only wish I had visited this site before I made so many mistakes. I certainly have learned a lot from everyone here
I think P. isn’t stupid and I’m convinced that in the past he liked to play dumb and only hear what is convenient. If he picked up the chemistry, he pretended he didn’t. He assumed we were all friends who liked to hang out, but he always interfered and wanted to join us both if he heard we were spending time without him – which pushed us to hide our dates from him.
The first couple of times I rejected P., I think he convinced himself that if he stuck around long enough, I would change my mind about him. The last time I was a bit cruel and explained it to him in a way that I am sure convinced him. He cooled down significantly after that and eventually stopped contacting me (coincidence or not, this was shortly after I deleted my ex from FB). He was NC for about a month (I didn’t try to reach him either) and this Sunday he tried to call me out of the blue to see how I was doing.
The more I think about it all, the more I am convinced that my ex is a player. He only wanted me because I was the forbidden fruit and by the time I said I wouldn’t go around P.’s back and would rather tell him and just own up the relationship, he backed off his pursuit. He liked the chase and then I made myself easy by constantly showing him I really cared for him, slipping up whenever we were together and compromising my principles.
Knowing that I will meet H. in the next few days really messed me up because it made me relive everything that happened all over again. Although we’re really good friends and used to confide practically everything, H. is also friends with my ex (they are brothers-in-law after all) and he knows him longer than he knows me, so I think you are right: the best thing is to shut up about it and look happy, so if he for some reason reports something to my ex, he won’t have the satisfaction of knowing I’m in the dumps.
I’m really trying to move on and forget about my ex. Rationally I know he is wrong for me and that I deserve a lot better. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things that passed and can see them now for what they really were. He’s a power player and enjoyed having my attention, but that was it. I’m at that stage where I am angry with myself for being so fooling and angry at him. The petty side of me wants him to hurt as badly as I did and realize what he has lost, but I know that will never happen because I was stupid and made myself vulnerable. I wish I could start dating again to get over him, but in my country things aren’t easy like that (no dating sites – there are a few that are mostly for sexual hook ups – and I’m just not that kind of woman), so I guess all I have to do is occupy myself with other stuff and hope for the best.
