Terrified of intimacy; 5 years of mixed sig Can I still tell him I love him?

Kaila, you’re definitely not being rude. I know very well how frustrating my back-and-forth swinging can be. Imagine my therapist, who has been dealing with this for 3 years! And I’m sick of myself, too… it’s very hard to live this way.

I don’t want to stay in Italy without the prospect of being with him and, no, I don’t truly want this to continue indefinitely. That’s the fear talking. But it really would be a terrible idea to move back to the States without a secure job. My home country is expensive as hell and I’ve been living on Italian wages for the past few years…

You all have been so incredibly supportive and helpful; Kaila, your insight has been utterly invaluable. What I really appreciate is that you all seem to respect the relationship he and I once had. I know it was a million years ago but it has impacted me so profoundly. It’s nice to hear other people say that maybe I could have meant something to him, too, even if it was long ago.

I’ll try to keep the waffling to a minimum on here but bear with me; this is five years that is coming to a close. I’ve been consumed with terror over this man – first of intimacy and then of rejection – for so long. Sometimes closing the chapter seems just as scary as the rejection. Yes, I’m basically a walking ball of fear. This is not behavior that is fit for a 35 year-old woman.

Tell him I love him first. Okay. I’ve gone through a couple of potential scenarios in my head as to how this conversation might come about but I’m trying not to make master plans; it’s been my experience that things with him never go down the way I expect. I guess right now I’m more kind of thinking of what I want to tell him.

Hi, Starlight, thank you for the concern. The news about Paris has everyone freaked out; are there any safe places left in the world?

Kaila, as I was writing that thing about “nurturing my self respect” it struck me that by doing so, I am also limiting occasions to see him outside of school and possibly have “the talk.” I guess it’s a fine line between desperately hunting him/hanging around him and closing myself off.

Why does he act this way? I don’t know. My therapist used to think it was because he was reacting to my behavior but I’m no longer so sure I have any effect on him. Yes, it’s true that we both have ALWAYS had a hard time being consistently cool around each other but I have reasons, dammit. I have never had this experience with anyone else. A friend is consistently chill and happy to see you, right?

I don’t know if he’s just stressed out about something in his life (work? more drama with his ex?) and it’s making him act weird, but he’s definitely been nervous these past couple of weeks. We have had some nice one-on-one encounters in the past month (chatting in front of the perfume shop, hanging out alone listening to music while he tried to play a song I like on the bass; him showing me how to play the guitar) so I don’t think he’s upset with me or disgusted by me. Last Tuesday was weird …. I know I promised I wouldn’t give play-by-plays anymore but this is just to give you an idea of what I’m talking about by “weird”:

I got to school and he was hanging out in the front by himself. As I approached, I saw him look at me for a second, but then he pretended not to notice me; he just kept staring up at the air ducts. I got to the door, two feet away from him, but he kept pretending he didn’t see me. Finally I said, “Ahem. HEY.” He pretended to finally notice me and smiled: “Oh, hi.” I said, “What are you looking at up there in the air ducts?” He said, “Oh, there’s so much to do around here…” He was clearly nervous and there was this awkward tension between us and I thought, “this is stupid” so I said, “Okay. Well, enjoy. See you later” and I went inside to do my lesson. Later when I came out, his friend J – WHO IS ALWAYS NORMAL AND HAPPY TO SEE ME – asked me if I wanted to see the movie short that he and F are writing the soundtrack for. I said okay. J took me inside the office, where F and D (another musician) were working on dubbing some tracks. D – WHO IS NORMAL – said hello to me immediately. F – WHO IS NOT NORMAL – pretended I wasn’t there. J and I watched the video; from time to time D came over to talk to us. After the video finished, D and J continued talking, and then another musician, PG, came in and started teasing me. F was pretending to clean the equipment – he pretends to clean when he’s anxious – and not acknowledging us. Finally, I had to go home so I told everyone goodnight – PG and J hugged and kissed me goodnight, because they are NORMAL. I said, “F. Goodnight. I like the music you and J wrote.” He said, “Thanks,” – again, not turning to look at me.

“How are you?” I said.
“Fine.”
“Really? I wouldn’t know. I only see the back of you.”
He turned his head halfway to the side and smiled: “I must kindly ask you to leave. I have work to do.”
“Okay,” I said.

And I went home.

Okay, so it’s not just me reading too much into it then? I’ve been asking myself if he’s just stressed/insane and his weird behavior has nothing to do with me, but it does seem like that weirdness was pointed at me, right? Even if you’re stressed, you say hi to people normally, right? Especially if you’re supposed to be friends. But he was deliberately pretending like he didn’t see me – why? And then later on! I thought maybe he was cranky because he was trying to work and his friends and I were distracting him but 1) it was Js idea to bring me in there which he wouldn’t have done if he knew F was on a tight deadline 2) D was working with F and he had no problems talking to us 3) I was actually the quietest person in the room; it was more his friends who were making noise. And yet, he told ME to leave. So wtf?

I can’t tell if he’s just a moody son of a bitch with mental problems (I have recently seen him ignoring other people when they try to interact with him) or it’s something I’ve done. I KNOW that there’s an affection between us that doesn’t go away, despite him acting at times like I matter nothing. It’s like it gets buried under so much background noise. Maybe this is a good thing to lead off with when I talk to him – a starter topic that could potentially open the door to telling him everything?

There are no plans. I’m half heartedly looking for jobs and am getting nowhere.

I do not intend to ask him out. He doesn’t like it when i do. I guess i am hoping for one of our encounters where he is open and happy to see me. My therapist thinks i need to tell him i’m leaving. She thinks that is what will give me the closure i need to move on. She thinks i haven’t fully committed to leaving because i’m still holding on to the idea of there being a chance; that that’s why i haven’t told him i’m planning to leave.

I feel very numb to him lately. I’m mad that he’s so weird and treats people badly when he is stressed. I’m a good person. I deserve to be treated well consistently.

I will probably see him tonight.