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Hi all! This is my first ever post here, despite being a frequent reader. I found this site a few days after my breakup back in August, and it was a tremendous help to read Kevin’s blog and emails and all of your posts. I still pop in from time to time as I’m going through my healing and I figured it was time to finally post something myself. Perhaps to get some advice but more importantly just for the therapy of sharing my story. God knows my family and friends are sick of hearing about it so maybe someone here will be happy to listen!
My ex and I dated for 7 or 8 months, from December 2014 until this August. We were madly in love and things moved faster with him than they have with any other guy I have dated… he met my family at 3 months, I met his at 5, we said I love you at 4, and at 6 or 7 months he came with me to my hometown to see where I grew up and met all of my friends and family. We were talking about moving in together just before we broke up and had just started to talk vaguely of things like marriage and babies, although we treaded on those topics lightly. Despite how fast it was moving, it all felt right. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been happier.
Then all of a sudden, one day in July, mere days after we talked about moving in together, he sat me down at a bar, asked me how I was feeling about our relationship, and then unloaded a laundry list of reasons why he wasn’t happy and felt like we should break up. I panicked and begged him to give us a chance. It seemed so unfair to suddenly break up with me without having brought up any of these concerns before. He eventually reluctantly agreed to give it another shot, although I was leaving for a 2 week trip the next morning, so really giving us another try would have to wait until I got back.
We texted every day during my trip. I wrote him a letter on paper that addressed many of his concerns and I mailed it to him while I was still gone. He told me many times he still loved me and was looking forward to me coming home. However, the night he picked me up at the airport, we went home to talk about us and it was pretty clear within a few minutes that he was already done. We both had a good drunken cry in each others arms, and he stayed the night in my bed, although we kept our clothes on. The next morning he rolled over to me and said “baby, I fucked up”. I told him that I had fucked up too, to which he responded, “no, you didn’t”. I knew that moment that he had cheated, although it took a few minutes to coax the details out of him. He said that it was only once, with a random girl at a bar, and it had happened before he had ever tried to break up with me, right after he had come back from visiting my hometown (I was still out of town for a few more days). Although it’s become pretty clear that there were so many things he lied about, so I’m not sure how much of what he told me was the truth.
That morning is the last time I saw him. I tried to do a NC period, but wasn’t ever successful at a full 30 days. I went a week, then 10 days, then 18 days. Early on I sent an email with a few last words I felt I had to tell him, because I knew then either I wasn’t ever going to talk to him again, or if I did the next time I talked to him I wanted it to be light and small talky, I didn’t want to have to bring up all of the past baggage, so I tried to get that out of the way early on. He responded saying how sorry he was for hurting me so much, it killed him to hurt me, etc. That was back in late August or early September. More recently we have been texting, just short conversations every week or two. Just once I told him I was drunk and missing him, to which he responded that not a day goes by that he doesn’t think about me. Other than that though, our convos have been light– eg he congratulated me on taking a big exam a couple weeks ago, or I wished him happy back to the future day last week (one of his favorite movies).
All this time I’ve waffled on whether I even wanted him back if it was possible. At first of course I did, then for a time it seemed like all of our issues were too much to get over. I started a new job shortly after our breakup, and turns out that his ex before me actually works in my office (we live in a large US city, so this is a pretty weird coincidence!). I finally told her about him a few weeks ago, and just in our short conversation in the office hallway she made me feel so much better about him– she seems to think he is pretty messed up, and she congratulated me on making it out of that situation alive. She said that he is just a stepping stone to better things. I believed her and for a while there I was feeling pretty great. I’ve been enjoying time with friends, bought a new house, loving my new job, even have been dating a little. I’ve been doing everything right to get over him…
And then yesterday for whatever reason I wanted to find some info that I was pretty sure was in our texting conversation from like April, so I scrolled back through all of our texts, something I had successfully avoided doing since our breakup… terrible idea! It brought everything crashing back, and seeing that evidence of how happy and in love we were…. and now I feel like I’m back to square one. I am having sex with someone (just like a friends with benefits situation) and I went over to his house yesterday when I was feeling so sad, hoping it would make me feel better, and I ended up crying during sex! Yikes! I feel like if he were to want to give it another shot I would take him back in a heartbeat. I still have some of his stuff and am going to be moving soon, so I was planning on mailing him his stuff next week. Now I am thinking about putting a letter/card in there that hints at how I am feeling to see how he responds…
Anyway, I don’t know if I have any specific questions, but if anyone has any thoughts or advice feel free to share! Thanks for reading this ridiculously long post!
I guess maybe I do have a couple questions…
1. What do you think about getting back together with a cheater? Based on my story specifically? I know that my friends/family are very against me getting back together with him and I’m curious if there’s anyone out there with a different opinion.
2. If I do want to get back together with him, what’s the best way to try to make that happen? While I never wrote a “magic letter” I think I have already communicated with him most of it’s components– that I have accepted the breakup, that I am doing well (better in fact), etc. And also I have gone a little beyond that to let him know that I miss him and he has reciprocated. Should I try to say more in the note next week (like be more clear about my feelings rather than hinting) or suggest meeting up and then bring it up in person? Or should I just continue being coy and letting him make any moves?
Quiet in here 🙂 but it’s ok I understand. Sometimes I read others’ posts asking for advice on their situations and I’m like “I have no freakin clue what you OR I should do, that’s why I’m here!”
I’m gonna send my ex a package with a note in a couple days and looking for some feedback on the note before I send it. I guess i’m trying to open the door for some kind of reconciliation or meeting but without coming right out and putting it all out there…I want it to seem like I’m over it and fine, but entice him to want to get together. Easier said than done probably. Here goes…
X,
I’m starting to pack for my move and wanted to send you some of your stuff that was still at my place.
[Book he lent me that fell apart but I’m still sending back to him] kind of fell apart on me as I was reading it. Sorry about that. Great read though! I’m still working on [another book he loves and recommended but didn’t lend to me]
I bought [video game he always wanted to buy for the two of us to play together while we were dating but never did, maybe because he didn't think I would actually play with him bc I'm not that into video games] that night we went to your Best Buy and obviously never got the chance to give it to you. I can’t return it anymore, so I hope you can still enjoy it.
Let me know if you think there is anything I forgot. If you could get my stuff to me when you get a chance I’d appreciate it (at least the lingerie). My new address will be [address].
Hope you are well and happy. I probably shouldn’t tell you that I still miss you, so I won’t.
-Y
What do you think? Too much, too little? Too cold, too warm?
Specifically looking for feedback on the last couple parts. Should I add after I give the address “if you want to mail it” or leave out the address entirely? Or is that too obvious a nudge to have him suggest to return my stuff in person? Do the last couple sentence open the door enough to meeting up without sounding desperate?
Also, I had originally thought about putting some cash in the book that broke if he wants to replace it but that seems a little pathetic. I’m already going out of my way to send him his stuff. He broke my heart, I feel like I can break his book without buying him a new one.
@peapod first of all, thank you for sharing your story and I’m really sorry you’re going through this rough period
I think reading the old texts really stirred something inside you that, in my opinion, should have stayed buried. Time has made you forget horrible stuff (our coping mechanism makes us forget so we don’t stay miserable for the rest of our existence), so now you’re left with mostly good things. But the truth is that the bad things obviously outweighed the good at some point, otherwise you guys would still be together now.
I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I think in your case he messed up badly, he even admitted he fucked up. His words. And worst of all, he knows he did wrong, but so far he hasn’t reached out to you to put things right, he only reciprocates when you go out of your way to tell him how you feel. I’m sorry, but this seems all backwards. He should be trying to win YOU back, not the other way around. And in my opinion, until he does, I don’t think you should even contemplate a recovery plan. He’s really not worth it (up until the moment he isn’t). I’m not saying he is a bad guy or that he doesn’t like you. It’s just that he doesn’t like you enough, he doesn’t love you as you deserve to be loved.
So, in your place, I’d skip the loving texts (which you already sent multiple times in different occasions), package his stuff and send it without a note whatsoever. Get rid of reminders and stuff that may cause you to relapse again and resume all the other stuff you were doing that was helping you heal. Become whole again and try to forget he exists. If by some reason he does contact you, ponder if you still want him then and if you do, let him work all the way to win you back. Remember, you are worth it! Good luck 🙂
Thanks Theresa, don’t apologize for being blunt! I can take it and it’s nothing I haven’t already heard from other people in my life. I do think you are probably right about most, if not all, of that.
I do just want to clarify, the texting has mostly been initiated by him, not me. And when he texts I usually wait several hours or a day before responding, whereas he always responds to mine immediately. Which leads me to wonder if perhaps he is wanting to open things up again but is holding back. So i guess i’m just trying to find a way to invite him to pursue me without actually pursuing him, because I agree he should definitely be the one to try to win me back!
I do think you can move on together from a break up. send mii your email and I’ll send you the name of this great book I read. you both have to be willing tho. and it’s going to be hard but it’s up to you guys…. may I ask how old you both are..
Well, his case improves a bit if he’s been the one initiating contact. However, I still say let him do all the work, do not reach him with sentimental stuff, please! I understand you still have feelings for him and you’re having a hard time keeping your emotions in check. I really get it. And I also imagine (if you’re like me) that this means sometimes you will feel as if you’re playing games and need to come clean. But here’s the most ironic thing ever: one of the reasons why he’s probably still trying to reach you is because you maintained your dignity and self respect by not initiating contact. If you try to reach him now, he may be deliriously happy the first few days, but then he’ll probably feel that you giving him another shot didn’t him cost so much after all and when guys don’t value what they conquer (in his case, your trust and affection) then he’ll start taking you for granted and not respecting you enough and end up doing the same stuff all over again. I hope this makes sense.
If he does love you and wants you back, he will need to up the ante and prove it with consistent actions. This means texts are really just a feeble attempt, something anyone can do when they have enough alcohol in their system. By all means reply him when he reaches you (always with less affection!), but don’t ever take the first step. Ever. You are now the unattainable woman and you’re more desirable than ever. Showing your vulnerability at this point will end up biting you in the long run.
i agree with wat @teresaa said about dont reach out with sentimental stuff but you know him better than we do. is he the type to not reach out even if he wants like my ex is the kinda person to punish himself when he thinks he did something wrong so when we broke up he felt that i was better off without him because i deserved better and if he feels that i am with others or doing better he would not contact mii.. but if i said hi to him. thats all it takes and he is initiating everything.. so its like he needs permission from mii first.. so if he is like that then maybe leave a note saying hi hope everything is going great for you ! Here is your stuff and thats it.. if you want your stuff then ask if it is possible to get it. if he can send it to you or idk lol wat do you guys think?
Yes starlight, I think you are expressing it better than I am, I think he might need permission from me and I wonder if I’ve been playing a little too hard to get when he reaches out. He knows that he made such a huge mistake and is punishing himself for it, I just don’t know that he would try to reconcile even if he wanted too without me giving him some sign that it’s ok. But I don’t know…..
I’m thinking I will send the note (I feel like I have to explain the broken book and the new video game, plus I really do want to get my stuff back! He has my brand new lingerie!) but perhaps without the sentence about still missing him.
OK, just put the package in the mail! I ended up sending a note that was pretty much the same as above, but minus the sentence about missing him, and I also didn’t put my new address in. Mostly because the closing date on my house just got pushed back again and I don’t know when I will be moving and that was too complicated to put in my short note. Plus even if he sends it to my old address after I move it will get forwarded to me, and there’s no reason for him to have my new address. But this also leaves it open for him to suggest giving me my stuff in person… he’s kinda lazy so I almost wonder if he’d do that just to save himself a trip to the post office, lol.
The post office guy said it should get there tomorrow (seems super fast!) so we’ll see. Now I’m debating sending a text just with a heads up that it’s coming. I don’t know what he will think just finding a package on the front porch from me without knowing about it ahead of time…
OK so I texted him last night (since the package should arrive today), something like “just a heads up, put some of your stuff in the mail today”. He was like “I had stuff at your place?” Ummm yeah. He then said “I think everything of yours here is stuff you don’t want but let me know”. Stuff I don’t want? What is that supposed to mean? I mean, I want all my stuff, it’s just a matter of how important getting it is. Like I have a bag of toiletries (that I literally restocked with a bunch of new stuff the day before we broke up) that he gave me for my birthday. Or a mixing bowl I left there. All of that I want but it’s not that important that I need him to send to me. But the lingerie on the other hand, was brand new, why the heck wouldn’t I want that? I’m just not sure what he meant by assuming I didn’t want it. Like does that mean I probably don’t care enough about it or I have a bad association or whatever and truly would rather not have it? I’m probably over thinking this. And now feeling a little awkward about having to ask him to send him my stuff, like that probably wasn’t completely necessary to do. After he said he would get it packed up and sent to me I was just like “thanks, no rush”.
He also complemented me on my Halloween costume (posted a pic on FB that got like 50+ likes and many comments) which was of a character from a TV show we used to watch together. I told him it was a last minute costume since apparently I already own everything that she wears and he was like “yeah, I recognized everything you were wearing and it reminded me how awesome your wardrobe is”. Not sure how to take that, especially since this character is pretty dorky. I asked him what he was for halloween and he sent me a pic.
Anyway, I guess we’ll see if he contacts me after getting the package. It’s kind of funny that he doesn’t remember that he had anything here so I guess everything will be a surprise!
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