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I guess it depends how close you are to H. If a close friend of mine was suffering, I’d want to know about it. But if you think it might put him in an awkward position or blow your ex’s chances of keeping in good with P then it’s probably better to keep silent. If H asks you about your ex, you could say, “I haven’t seen him in a while. He’s been focusing on work.” It’s not a lie, right?
This thing with P is interesting to me. I understand your position; I have a lot of Ps in my life. If only we could make ourselves love them… how much easier life would be. Sometimes I think my ongoing heartbreak with F is bad karma for how many Ps I’ve disappointed over the years. 🙁
I just think it’s so strange that P never picked up on the chemistry between you and your ex. Usually people in love are jealous and can sniff out potential competition a mile away. Why do you think P has never accepted it when you’ve told him that you will never be together? Have you been direct enough? I know it’s hard to hurt them but sometimes you’ve got to be crystal clear and even remove yourself from the situation if it’s what they need to get over you.
Years ago, one of my Ps wouldn’t accept the truth (let’s call him J). We were coworkers in New York and I knew he had a crush on me; I wasn’t interested at all but always tried to be kind. I moved to Japan and got into a serious relationship but I chatted online with J frequently and despite the distance and my unavailability I could feel that he still wasn’t over me, especially when I went home for the holidays. I confronted him a couple of times about his feelings for me and he always said I was delusional/full of myself and I’d say, “okay, great, sorry I offended you” but then time would pass and I’d always feel his love for me again. I was so frustrated and he was frustrated and we started fighting all the time. Then, a mutual friend told him that I had said I was only using him for an ego boost – a baldfaced lie. While it might have been a cruel lie, however, J believed it and stopped talking to me. We didn’t talk for almost a year; I guess he was putting me in NC. But that year of absolutely zero contact/zero hope was what he needed to get over me. We started slowly chatting again and now we’re better friends than ever because we are actually real FRIENDS now; he has no more hidden agenda.
I know you value P as a person – just as I have always cared about any guy who has had unreturned feelings for me – but sometimes the best way you can be their friend is to definitively remove the hope through words and by actions. Using your ex as a cockblock SHOULD have worked but P didn’t even appear to notice. As long as he’s “friends” with you he’s going to think there’s a shot… especially if you hide your relationships from him. Do you want to lose another shot at love for fear of upsetting P?
I think P. isn’t stupid and I’m convinced that in the past he liked to play dumb and only hear what is convenient. If he picked up the chemistry, he pretended he didn’t. He assumed we were all friends who liked to hang out, but he always interfered and wanted to join us both if he heard we were spending time without him – which pushed us to hide our dates from him.
The first couple of times I rejected P., I think he convinced himself that if he stuck around long enough, I would change my mind about him. The last time I was a bit cruel and explained it to him in a way that I am sure convinced him. He cooled down significantly after that and eventually stopped contacting me (coincidence or not, this was shortly after I deleted my ex from FB). He was NC for about a month (I didn’t try to reach him either) and this Sunday he tried to call me out of the blue to see how I was doing.
The more I think about it all, the more I am convinced that my ex is a player. He only wanted me because I was the forbidden fruit and by the time I said I wouldn’t go around P.’s back and would rather tell him and just own up the relationship, he backed off his pursuit. He liked the chase and then I made myself easy by constantly showing him I really cared for him, slipping up whenever we were together and compromising my principles.
Knowing that I will meet H. in the next few days really messed me up because it made me relive everything that happened all over again. Although we’re really good friends and used to confide practically everything, H. is also friends with my ex (they are brothers-in-law after all) and he knows him longer than he knows me, so I think you are right: the best thing is to shut up about it and look happy, so if he for some reason reports something to my ex, he won’t have the satisfaction of knowing I’m in the dumps.
I’m really trying to move on and forget about my ex. Rationally I know he is wrong for me and that I deserve a lot better. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things that passed and can see them now for what they really were. He’s a power player and enjoyed having my attention, but that was it. I’m at that stage where I am angry with myself for being so fooling and angry at him. The petty side of me wants him to hurt as badly as I did and realize what he has lost, but I know that will never happen because I was stupid and made myself vulnerable. I wish I could start dating again to get over him, but in my country things aren’t easy like that (no dating sites – there are a few that are mostly for sexual hook ups – and I’m just not that kind of woman), so I guess all I have to do is occupy myself with other stuff and hope for the best.
I don’t know about your ex being a player and only being interested in you because you were “forbidden fruit”; I think it was probably more that he was attracted to you but on a less serious level than you were attracted to him. I think he was maybe having some fun/indulging his attraction to you but wasn’t looking for anything serious and the consequences – harming his prospects in your country, hurting you by leading you on – became too real and when you said you wanted to go public, he bailed. There are so many different levels of attraction; sometimes we assume that if a man is attracted to us and enjoys spending time with us that it means he wants to be with us seriously.
I half-wonder if P tried to win your ex’s loyalty as a way of cockblocking YOU. Is that too diabolical? Anyway, it seems like limiting contact with him is a good idea. He’s got WAY too much power over your life for someone you’re not even interested in….
Also, about him blocking you as a way to hurt you or because he’s confused… I just don’t know. He’s not an idiot; he know you unfriended him because he was so cold about your aunt’s passing. He knows YOU were hurt because of something HE did (or didn’t do). What would it have really taken to man up and make it right? Either he truly didn’t care or he was afraid that if he showed you he cared he’d be leading you on again. I have no doubt that he was attracted to you and valued the time you spent together, but I think him blocking you was more to remove the temptation to contact you and lead you on further/hide his own business to avoid hurting you. After all, just because you unfriend someone doesn’t mean you can’t still creep them on Facebook…
I half-wonder if P tried to win your ex’s loyalty as a way of cockblocking YOU. Is that too diabolical? Anyway, it seems like limiting contact with him is a good idea. He’s got WAY too much power over your life for someone you’re not even interested in….
I agree with you, and this is the reason why I never tried to reach P. during this NC. P. always acted like a really nice guy. Too nice, in fact. So nice that he insinuated himself in my life to the point where I found myself lying about a guy I was dating.
Writing this makes me realize I’m really tired of men and their BS. If only I knew the half of what I know now I wouldn’t have spent my time with those two! 🙁
woow sorry you had to go through that. but you should definitely not talk to either of them except if it’s important or once in a blue moon when you are comfortable and have move on. This was a learning experience and I’m sure you grew from it so try no to regret too much. cause it helped you mature and now you can go forward and not repeat it. now you learned some of the things you would like from your next relationship
Well, it turns out things could get even worse than they were.
My friend H. during his visit to my country, for the the first time ever, couldn’t find time in his schedule to visit me. I didn’t ask explanations, but he went out of his way to explain in detail all the things he would be doing that would keep him busy so we couldn’t meet. Namely that he was going to a soccer game with his nephew this afternoon and later tonight would have dinner with my ex (it’s my ex’s birthday). I told him it was ok, that of course I’d be sad not to see him, but it’s life.
Now comes the strangest bit: although he is going through a rough time (his marriage is on the rocks and he hasn’t confided in anyone yet but me), on Thursday he told me he didn’t want me to be disappointed in him for not meeting him and added that he wants me to keep being the same person as I always was and keep being his friend. I know this is a bad time for him – which is why at first I thought he’d definitely want to have a coffee, but his behavior (not meeting me) and his words really made me feel something was very off. I told him I only expected that him not meeting me right now had nothing to do with me not talking to G. (my ex). I didn’t say anything else and after this, he never replied again.
Now, just a few minutes ago on FB, I see H. posted a group photo with him, his nephew AND my ex hanging out at the soccer match! I know my friend H. doesn’t mean any harm and he probably didn’t mention anything in the chat so I wouldn’t be sad, but I can’t help feeling a bit hurt by all this. I don’t even know if they talked about me or not, they probably didn’t. But if they did and H. is acting this way, I fear this cut-off with my ex might have cost me a close friend. At this point, I don’t even know if I should like the photo or not and what message does that send. My ex has me blocked still, so I know he wouldn’t see my like on his account… argh, I’m overthinking all this, I know! And for such a stupid thing!
Anyway, I think I’m over reacting because of that damn photo: I just wasn’t expecting to see my ex in it… and now there he is looking happy and relaxed while I’m left feeling miserable and alone. A few months ago, a visit from H. was always a celebration. We would have all been together at the match having a blast. Now I’m here trying to concentrate on a report and feeling rejected by one of my best friends and that awful ex.
Teresa – facebook is the WORST! But remember, the thing about facebook is that it’s just photos. People post what they want to convey, not what actually is. How many people do you know who are going through crappy times and yet only post photos of themselves at parties, as though their lives are a blast? I myself don’t have a relationship status on my FB because there’s no “broken-hearted/doomed to die alone” option… but my feed is just pictures of food, music videos, and funny stories about my students or writing. From FB, you could never tell that I cry myself to sleep nearly every night.
That picture isn’t the full story of what’s happening with H and your ex. Nor is it the full story of what’s happening with you and H. But I’m starting to notice a pattern in all of this; you, to keep your ex and P happy, keep quiet about your relationship with your ex. You, to keep your ex, P AND H happy, don’t say anything to H about your relationship with your ex. It seems like you have a habit of sacrificing what you want to try to please other people and get NO benefits from doing so. At least this particular crew!
My feeling is that H knows about you and the ex. I could be totally off base, but like you said, it does seem weird that for the first time ever H can’t hang out with you and that he’s hanging out with your ex instead of you today. Sure, it’s the ex’s birthday, but there was a time when you’d have been at the soccer match, too, right? And H’s email to you seems overly detailed, which I’d take to be an indication of guilt (so at least there’s that).
I think it’s time to stop bending over backwards to please these dorks and take care of yourself.
You’re absolutely right, Penelope. Thank you for getting back with such an articulate, intelligent reply. I deserve better than caring about what these dorks do or think or feel. It’s what got me in trouble in the first place!
I think I’ll add H. to my NC contacts now… LOL. Seriously, of course I’ll reply if he ever decides to say something again, but after all this mess I’ll never ever go out of my way again for any of these three stooges. I’m done!
Like I said earlier, FB is the devil ! I deleted mine after my first break up with the ex because even if I would have deleted him I would still see pictures of him on events through Mutual friends.
Anyways, I think that at the time you de-friended him he didn’t really think about the fact you did. Sometimes (and not wanting to generalize) men start to think about someting, or start to get bothered about something later on and take action.
The fact he removed tagged pictures isn’t even a bad sign, it shows some kind of anger whIch shows he still cares. Someone who doesn’t care wouldn’t be bothered, I have friends dating new girls who still have all the pictures of their ex on FB simply cause they don’t care. If they delete our stuff … and block us … They care !
My ex even blocked my mom when he saw she deleted him.
Thanks for all of your thoughtful comments on my situation, I figure I should try to help you with yours!
My guess on the facebook blocking is that rather than it being something logical (like he wants you to not be able to see certain pictures or whatever), he just was hurt or ticked that you unfriended him, so he wanted to one-up you by going a step further. BTW I didn’t even know blocking was a thing on facebook, I had to google it when I read your post! Also, how do you know he blocked you? Just that he doesn’t come up when you search his name or what?
I agree with Penelope that it sounds like your ex has talked to H about you. That hurts so much to lose mutual friends on top of everything else 🙁 hopefully the situation with your ex will have cooled off enough the next time he comes to visit (or maybe your ex won’t be in the country any more?) and you guys can be friends again.
@peapod thanks for reading all this, I really appreciate it.
To clarify, I unfriended him and didn’t look at his profile at all during all this time and it was allowing me to heal. That is, until one fine day, more than a month later after I did it, I noticed some pictures I had in my profile were suddenly missing and then I realized those were “his” pictures, pictures he had posted and tagged me in. Like you, I didn’t know much about blocking people or being blocked on FB, so that confused me for a few minutes.
Anyway, curiosity got the best of me and I went to check his profile, which to my surprise seemingly didn’t exist anymore – it did, just not to me because I was blocked – and after a quick search on the web I realized what he had done.
So, I’m a bit angry with myself for caring so much. I was doing so well and then his block sort of made me focus on him again! It’s just like you said, he might just be competitive about who hurts who the most. And if that is the case, he might be using reverse psychology to get back at me and I fell into that trap. Or this could be really nothing… but it’s just so senseless, you know?
I didn’t try to reach him or visit his profile or make myself visible on FB through our mutual friends (only clicked “like” once on a mutual) and now he blocked me as if I was some crazy stalker – which I wasn’t. The real irony is that I only started checking his page after the block. I keep trying to make sense of it and end up running in circles inside my head. My imagination is really my worst enemy. 🙁
Another update, if anyone is still reading.
Today I woke up with the feeling that the reason I feel stuck these last few days after I found out he blocked me is because I ended my last message in awful terms, saying he wasn’t my friend, blah blah blah and unfriending him after he apologized (it was a lame excuse, but he did say he was sorry).
So to give myself some closure, today I wrote him a text which I sent through whatsapp saying basically that I was in a pretty bad place 2 months ago, but I didn’t want my last communication with him to be negative, because it’s important to me be at peace, so I apologized for contacting him, even though I am blocked on facebook and wished him to be well and happy.
I sent this a few hours ago and I’m pretty sure he read the message because whatsapp informs me has been online after I sent the message. Also he hasn’t blocked me there, but he hasn’t unblocked me on facebook either.
I’m just hoping I can get some closure from all this and I hope I don’t regret it. I’m doing this more to help myself heal than to get any reply from him. Knowing his cowardly nature and tendency to avoid problems, I know I probably never will hear anything else. I wish I could say I feel better already, but things still feel pretty shitty. I hope time will help me overcome this.
Any thoughts into this would be really appreciated! (even if ou wish to say you don’t agree with what I did)
Well I would never has sent that text via Whatsapp, if I were to do that and he would not respond I know I would go through hell staring at my Phone every 10 minutes to see if he responded …
It actually takes guts to do it, so I’ll give you that.
If you did it for yourself and to get over the situation, I can understand why you did it.
I just hope you don’t feel bad now for doing it.Stay in NC now, and if he does reach out I wouldn’t even reply.
Let him be.
Not wanting to generalize, but we know men Always come back …
Just leave him alone, give him time to do whatever and one day, probably when you’ll be over him he’ll be back …I did it for myself, yes. At first, I was feeling pretty nervous not knowing what to expect after that, but now I’m really starting to feel a lot better! Calmer, like this is no longer a negative weight I need to carry in my heart. After the block, I kept wondering why and checking if I was still blocked. Shortly after I came here to find support and get things off my chest and was having trouble concentrating on other stuff. I needed answers and reassurance!
Now after the message I sent this morning, I no longer feel like I need to check if I am still blocked or have any urge to revisit our old chats, which is a really great progress for me. I think I’m finally ready to let go, I can’t tell you how liberating it is!
I probably won’t revisit this board again, as I think it’s time for me to stop thinking about breakups and the million reasons why people hurt each other. At this point, it would only hold me back and remind me why I found this site in the first place.
Thanks everyone for all your support and insights, you helped me a lot! Wish me luck! <3
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