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Yup
Even after a rebound or rebounds.
They don’t forget that easy. Memories come up. Etc
How long was the break up?
Try this for a full week:
Be cool. Don’t argue. Don’t show any frustration about not kissing. Start giving him a little more space.
Without announcing it or telling him.
He should respond more to you after a couple of days.
Even if it’s a little stubbornness, after a few days I’d be affectionate. And not just make up sex. I usually aim to kiss as much as I can. But not every person is crazy affectionate and that’s OK.
But you said your sensing a “vibe”
Could it be:
Family problems?
He had a stomach flu?
Something on the news that affected him?He should respond after a couple of days.
I know SSG. I was trying to explain it from another angle making it easier having your ex contact you after NC. Instead of just you contacting them later. Wish I could of reedited my last post and state that but I don’t think you can typing from mobile.
All in all you were cool. Especially towards the end.
Even if he’s mad, and potentially could of been a little sensitive at the time reading the top portion of the email, you showed care and extended your hand.
I added that detail in regards if the break up was REALLY bad and wanted them to contact you. Sometimes it takes some careful wording and strategy shifting some of the power to you to better your odds.
But your good overall and NC. Some say a month. And that’s ok depending on the situation and how you feel. Mine at least were 2 months.
And I was feeling a lot better at the 2 month mark until my ex contacted me. Which reopened the wound. 7 months later she recontacted me and I was a lot more successful. But playing it safe currently. It’s not easy for both parties.
But I tend to disagree pointing out last that it’s “their decision”
It’s a little unnecessary. I’d swap it with “it’s the best decision”
Simply because:
You want to show YOU think it’s the best decision. Because you want them to know you genuinely recognize there’s somethings that need to be worked on.
Not “agreeing” with them.
You want it to be genuine and for them to feel like they’re going to reach out to an improved you later on.
Not the same you that they envisioned last. Regardless who was right or wrong in the break up or the situation.
Unfortunately there is “power play” in most cases after a break up. Shifting a little power to you isn’t a bad thing.
Just my 2cents, lint, receipt and a left over skittles wrapper
lol at the “feel like I just friend zoned myself”
In my opinion I think what you said was really cool. And LEAVE it at that. Start NC.
And nooooooo way did you friend zone yourself
Same here with my ex. I’m a guy. It definitely sideswiped me as well, initially. No matter if it was her fault more or mine she was able to hold the “grudge” initially better than I.
In a lot of cases it’s not just about them “dropping the ball” running away and letting go that easy. There’s a few things to consider that can influence them and have “support” keeping that “break up” and separation going.
Could be family support, friends, keeping busy and sadly in some cases possibly other opportunity. Who will support and side with your ex. All of that while your ex is teaching you a lesson or being stubborn in the “power play” game all of that in combination fortifying the separation.
Bottom line he was a chapter in your life and you in his. It’s not that “simple” to just let go. Like a switch.
With that said, best thing is to leave it cool as possible. Say something gentle positive and cool. Then start NC.
Use that clean opportunity to enjoy yourself.
Because if you continue to beg or let them have complete control, it can get messy and more difficult to clean up later.
Keep composure. Be patient. Enjoy yourself. The power will start to shift to you. And you’ll have better control and posture when it comes. And if by rare chance it doesn’t, you’ll be in a better state anyway.
But you need it either way. Next future contact with them or not.
I don’t think she saw you or else you would get an email or a private call as a warning like you said.
But it’s funny how that works both ways. If your ex is near your area or passes it, it’s a guarantee her alertness and curiosity is raised or the feeling of panic if you see her.
Back months ago in February (4months NC) my friend and I saw a suspicious looking car one night sitting across the street from me. My friend was pulling up in his car and I noticed it as I was walking out to greet him.
I kept looking at that car and saw the car turn its heads light on and start backing up slowly out of the view. I pointed it out to my friend and he was shocked too asking who is that?
And then the car started moving forward and drove out down the street. As the car passed under the corner street light we saw 2 women with long hair staring at us as they were driving away!! We didn’t get a point blank 100% confirmation but we were both certain it was her with probably one of her girlfriends passing by my house. They probably were in my area that night and thought to pass by and check it out.
My neighborhood is generally quiet and it was suspicious. Especially for it being in the middle of February.
My ex doesn’t drive or have her license. And the silhouette of the passenger looked exactly like her.
My gut instinct is usually right.
NOW months down when she called me drunk she said she made a friend with a female coworker who had a break up too. And she would constantly bring me up to her when they were talking about their backups. So they were nourishing each other. Going out after work etc.
So later on in our conversation she said she was in my town not long ago with family having lunch and admits she likes my area.
So I asked her if that was the only time she was ever in my area because I saw a suspicious car back in February one night lurking out of shadows by me and saw 2 woman in that car.
She giggled and laughed saying no it wasn’t her. But I know her by now it was a guilty giggle. She cracks up when she’s lying when she’s getting caught.
What’s up Joe. Its late and I apologize if I babble here but that’s normal to drive past. But don’t do it anymore.
Because believe me you don’t want her to catch you! She knows what your capable of because you surprised her before.
So don’t think she doesn’t have eyes in the back of her head when she comes home or leaves.
Paranoia would start to freak me out if her neighbors caught a “suspicious” car lurking from shadows and tell her. Because you never know and don’t be surprised how people (ex’s) will tell other neighbors even strangers on the street about a major break up.
I did the same with my ex 2 weeks before we officially broke up. We had a scuffle 2 weeks before and I came by her unannounced she was shocked. But we walked around sat and spoke and she was cool. And she admitted she liked it that I came like that but she remained stubborn wanting “space” for couple days to teach me a “lesson” then she was getting “hot” and she came by earlier than expected and everything was great between us
Sorry for detail but we had marathon intercourse like 4-5 times or a f*ckathon that day with that smaller “reconciliation” But then 2 weeks later we had a major argument when I caught her in a lie and next day we argued again over the phone. I was still stubborn about it the following night.
And that was that.
See we like to think in a way it’s being harmlessly romantic and that they’ll appreciate it inside of them seeing us unexpectedly and they will but you just never know in the fallout phase…
As she could be coming down settling from being mad and hurt OR her emotions could be rising hating you more… then turn that against YOU telling EVERYONE that she saw you!
And then it makes the situation more of a mess to clean up.
Important to note, is that during this fallout phase with doing NC, she is starting boil. Whether she’s simmering down and starting to miss you or holding firm keeping the grudge rising emotionally “hating” you with regret “baggage”
Chances are in my opinion like with my ex, she’s going to be very tempted to contact you. And impressed that she didn’t see you pop out of a bush respecting her space.
You’re fine in my opinion. 2 weeks is nothing. I’d definitely reestablish NC.
You showed a little care and interest. No biggie. But start NC.
Saving grace and most important aspect in utilizing NC is being cool leaving something gentle positive and alluring. Then starting NC with that last imprint.
This way its easier and less awkward for them for interception contacting you when you don’t expect it.
It’s hard I know. Trust me. I have my ex’s new number now but I started NC now.
We broke up last year in September. We had NC and she contacted me 2 months later out of no where in November. About 2 weeks us having contact she changed her number when I offered to be friends at least. She said no way she can’t.
7 months later I get a private call one night then her drunk texting me saying its her and “its been awhile” I was drunk too that night thinking it was one of my friends playing a joke on me pretending to be her because I didn’t recognize the number. So I left it alone. And she text “I hope your on your way to marriage”
About a week later I get another text from her saying it’s her. I said call me she said she can’t “it hurts”
She called. Saying she missed me and wanted me to come over and she tried so hard these months to get over me. I said me too.
Not we’ve in contact since. She’s been hot and cold. Trying to press my buttons to reconfirm her “hate” for me since we broke up. I’m not giving her that.
Then she says all she wants is “closure”
After a year? If she’s supposedly “completely over and moved on”?
Last thing I said to her is I don’t think I can help with that closure she’s seeking but I’ll be here anytime to talk. However I’m not interested in us having discussions about us having dated other people over the months since we broke up nor do I want to argue.
Then I started NC right after. 2 weeks now. Its tough because there’s nights I want to text her. And she’s anticipating that I will but I won’t.
I thought the same with my ex that she wouldn’t call me. Then she called from a new number 2 months down after we broke up calling drunk and crying.
Then she changed her number after 2 weeks being in contact.
7months later this past April, night before Easter she called private and text me drunk. Saying:
“Hey its me” “its been awhile”
and when I didn’t respond (I was drunk that night and confused so I left her texts alone initially thinking someone was playing a game pretending to be her) she text:
“I hope your on your way to marriage”
Joe, its completely normal about not getting aroused with other women like you did with your ex. Same with me. I couldn’t finish a lot of times during the act with other women months after my ex and me broke up. (Sorry for detail but to give some brotherly perspective) my ex and me were the same very sexually active. As you can imagine “finishing” wasn’t a problem. Sometimes under 2 minutes.
What we are definitely experiencing is the absence of comfort we had with our ex. Mainly we were used to them.
I guarantee, once time goes on, and we find another person and fall in love, it will be as great. Rare instances, maybe not. But most likely it will be.
Your in the flames still Joe. Its extremely fresh. And months down to a year you’ll still think of her.
When your ex calls 10 months down like mine did, its going to reopen the wound.
A lot of Joy at first being happy she called, mixed with a lot of analyzing and head scratching. And then being hurt again when she’s being hot and cold. Hot and really cold.
I’m currently now in NC because she pissed me off with our last conversation recently. I can’t deal with the mind games.
I have her number. But I’ve put my foot down and started NC.
Now is the time to be patient Guilia and wait awhile. I think it went great.
First, what he’s most likely thinking.
1) He recognizes your being:
-friendly
-interested2) He’s feeling good and is left with a positive thought of you.
What not to do now
-Call him anytime soon. Wait at least a week with no contact unless he contacts you.
I wouldn’t want it to seem that your getting desperate and showering him with too much attention. A little void and mystery will be more attractive I think.
Picture this time as giving him water. He’s hydrated now. In time he’ll start to get a little thirsty. Then hand him a glass. But giving a glass after glass when he’s already “hydrated” now might be too much.
I’d be patient and wait a bit. In my opinion. Other than that its looking good in my opinion.
Yeah it’s hard to combat that chess move when they’re acting cool and professional while attacking your weaknesses.
Best thing again, is to keep composure. Because if you get weak, she’ll have material and ammunition to gossip to everyone while making herself look better and making you look like an idiot.
Dry her out. Give her nothing. Chances are she’ll start looking to dip her paw in your glass of milk. In due time.
Same here Dara.
I actually put a sticky note as a background wallpaper on my phone from an app to remind me to keep composure whenever she drunk calls or texts me. I get really close to the “point of no return” during most of our conversations.
She constantly accuses me that I probably slept with a lot of women. I deny it and try to change the subject for the sake not to argue. She then tells me about guys she saw around at the store that particular day and winked at one and he winked back etc.
I stay calm. Like a kung fu sensei.
But obviously it eats me after we hang up and the next day reviewing the conversation in my head.
She planned to come by and stay the night by me a couple weeks ago. Then days later backed out saying “it’s too dangerous because we’ll drink and will start asking each other questions who we slept with” and that she’ll tell me who she slept with but when it comes to asking me that I wouldn’t tell her and she said we’ll start to argue.
I told her that she was right. That I wouldn’t tell her who I slept with. Because what’s the point of it. Just to argue?
Nor do I need her to tell me that she’s been dating and seeing guys since we broke up. I already had a hunch about it thanks I don’t need a confirmation or any details.
Put a note app as your background to remind you to keep composure. It doesn’t always work but it helps.
Nice Joe! And you’re OK just try to avoid your ex. I’ll get into that in just a second. Long post.
The break up is still fresh. I wouldn’t put too much thought with the new girl as it’s still very early. Just continue enjoying each other and building on that.
I was fortunate enough to meet a great woman a week or so after my break up. I met her by luck one night through my cousin. She’s related from my cousin’s side of the family. Dated for about 2 months basically seeing each other on a daily basis. I was up front with her from the start that I just came out of a long relationship and didn’t want to rush into anything. Fortunately she was mature about it and didn’t care until she wanted a relationship with me later as time went on.
I told her I think she’s great but I still wanted to continue to build on our friendship. Thankfully she was very understanding but we eventually took time off. We’re still in contact with each other and plan on meeting up this weekend.
That woman went well. The next woman I started dating afterwards did not. She was very jealous and pushy.
Now, back to the front with the ex.
For one, your ex is most likely anticipating your going to pop up, out of no where out of a bush. It’s definitely good she didn’t see you.
I did the same with my ex and I’m glad she didn’t see me. Eventually we saw each other at a bar over a month after our break up while I was out with that woman and my friend. I was shocked but played it cool. We didn’t say anything to each other. My ex left shortly and gave the cold death look to the woman I was with. I’ll get into that later when I make my own thread.
Joe,
1) If and WHEN you receive that text or phone call… DO NOT BURN THE BRIDGE.
Don’t say anything that will get to the point of “no return” when the contact gets uncomfortable or heated.
2) Don’t give your ex any ammunition or anything to confirm her “hate” for you. Or gossip to her family and friends for “support”
You want to leave her thinking with some positive thought and feeling. To where she will “bite the bullet” and contact you. Regardless of past “baggage”.
3) You want her to be unsure. To start boiling over time and contact you again. And again.
Trust me I want to say some mean things but I know I’ll lose the match. And my ex calling me months down for “closure” to move on, that’s what she’ll want. An excuse to reconfirm her “hate” for me.
Joe your story is nearly IDENTICAL to mine. I’ll make my first thread with more detail and a finale at the end to make you throw up. But thought to add a snip as your situation is about the same. Trust me, I was at the deaths door too. Changed number etc.
Me: 30
Her: 322 years together. Lived together.
Break up: her.
Reason: build up of bickering/arguing
When: last September.Total time of seperation: 11 months currently.
Contacts during 11 months: 2. Both her initations.
No contact first 2 months. Out of the blue in November, Sunday, I get 2 private calls and hangs up. Then 3rd call finally she spoke and started bickering drunk. Wanting me to come by. I didn’t make it.
2 weeks contact went from civil to disastrous. She changed her number.
7 months later (after me dating multiple women still constantly thinking of her, her too with guys) she private calls then texts me drunk.
I was a little shocked, and drunk at the time too thinking one of my friends were playing a joke on me.
2 weeks later with no contact she texts me at 2am saying its her. And calls me drunk. Again to come by. This time she was REALLY wanting me too. By then it was almost 4am and I had to get up for work. I couldn’t make it.
Now past 3 months we have on and off contact. Drunk texting EACH OTHER. Hot cold hot cold. Few weeks ago her wanting come by to spend the night. Next days cold. With threats she’s going to change her number again.
WHO CALLS someone 10months down looking for “closure” if they are supposedly “completely done” with the person? So I took it as she was just “gaurding” her emotions. I still think so too.
Joe, go no contact. Your only chance. The more you stay quiet and hidden, the more she will think of you. The not knowing will bother her. Especially if she’s anticipating some sort of contact from you. And doesn’t get it.
She’ll start to boil over time.
She’ll catch herself one day in a lonely or depressed state and contact you. I’d give it 95% chance she will.
Be prepared and careful. Don’t lose the ball and bombard text her and gnat it. She’ll be turned off. Trust. I messed up. Got lucky months later. But I still slip up and gnat it here and there. Hence is why I’m here to avoid the deaths door again.
