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Yes it makes sense for him to initiate it. Men are so confusing haha. It’s so hard to tell what they’re thinking or why they’re doing something. A lot of the time I don’t think they even have a reason. To be honest it sounds like he loves you, he’s just being a bit immature. Your whole story sounds like you have a good chance though, it’s just a shame he has to put you through all this hurt first. If you honestly think he’s worth it then good luck with NC this time, and I really hope it works for you.
If you change it I don’t think he will take that as you not wanting him. He knows what he means to you. You’ve told him countless times. It will just show him that you’re respecting the space right now and if he wants you back the ball is in his court. Do what is right for you.
I’m not sure. I thought about deleting him but then I thought that would look petty. I’ve just completed my 30 days NC, which has felt like forever and also went by in a flash at the same time. I’m in a good place, but I don’t think I’m quite ready to contact him yet without coming across as needy. I also need to work out exactly what I’m going to say. I may even give it another month. So watch this space I guess!
Hey Amy111, that does seem a bit strange that he hasn’t removed your relationship from FB. It could either be because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, or it could be because he doesn’t want to let go of you.
If it’s upsetting you, I think you should remove it. Or at least set it to being blank. That might even give him a reality check that he’s lost you!
Facebook is such a weird part of a breakup. My ex hasn’t deleted me off it either, which is a bit confusing. When we broke up he pretty much told me not to contact him, but he hasn’t blocked me or anything like that. Do you think it’s because he just hasn’t thought about it? Or is he still hanging on to us somehow?
It’s not that – I just know exactly what you’re going through and it’s frustrating to see you mess it up for yourself! It’s super confusing and your brain will try and trip you up, but you have to stay strong. It’s hard, but next time you feel yourself being weak, post on here instead. 🙂
Sounds like she’s just trying to get a reaction out of you.. which is probably a good thing for you.
Don’t ignore her completely. Tell her you need time and space right now and she shouldn’t contact you for a while, then continue with no contact.
Why would you do that?!
I’m hesitant to put a lot of energy into giving you any more advice if you’re just going to ignore it. There are hundreds of people on here following the no contact rule. It’s called NO CONTACT!!!!!
By all means do whatever you want, but doing the same thing you’ve been doing thus far (messaging her all the time) isn’t going to bring her back. What makes your mates experts exactly? They have a lot of EXES? Do you see the problem with that? Yeah, that doesn’t scream expert to me.
I’m afraid if you’re serious you’re going to have to stop contacting her again and start from day 1. Or else ignore that advice and do your own thing and good luck.
Hi guys,
SH, you need to remember WHY your ex isn’t contacting you. What would she look like if she started texting you all the time straight after you broke up? That’s right, CRAZY!! And she doesn’t want to look crazy. She may well be missing you, but she has the sense to take a step back and think about whether this relationship is right for her and can be fixed. If you don’t give her that space she will never work it out. Pretty sure you don’t want to be crazy either right? Thought so. 🙂
Amy111, I just read your story, and I’m sorry things haven’t worked out a second time. That must be really hard. You say it’s about commitment scares; what did he say exactly? It sounds a bit like he wants to have his cake and eat it too… which is very damaging for you. He needs to figure out what he wants and stop messing you about. One thing you can do is start NC. You don’t have to remove your FB relationship but I would recommend deactivating your profile for a while. This way you will stop the influx of information from him, and you will stop providing him with information about you. It’s likely he will try and contact you after that, but I think you should stay strong and take some time to figure out whether this guy really is who you want to be with.
It’s so easy to do, so don’t beat yourself up over it! We all feel weak and feel like our exes will move on, but honestly 30 days is not that long. If anything, she will be thankful for it.
I don’t know about the 3 weeks thing, it feels too soon. I’d say if she contacts YOU after 3 weeks then go for it but if not, you should really stick to 30 days at least.
I bought the guide about a month ago when my ex broke up with me, and to be honest it has really kept me going and helped me see myself and my relationship in a whole new light. Kevin gives away a lot of him information for free, but the worksheets in the guide make you feel like you have someone with you throughout the process. They really helped me right at the beginning when I felt I was completely alone.
You can’t really compare your relationship to anyone elses. If 30 days of NC pushes someone away, they really never cared about you at all. I haven’t read any cases like that, and you shouldn’t really expect that to happen to you. After all, you can always explain why you did it when it’s over and if you reconcile. Also, she hasn’t contacted you right? If she was so bothered about being ignored then you would have something to ignore… right? I bet a lot of these cases you refer to are people who’s exes never stopped talking to them and felt ignored when the NC started.
Thoughts like that are just going to make you contact her, and then you’ll be back to square one.
Thought I’d provide an update.
It’s my 30 days NC this week. It has been very reassuring to have a date to look forward to, and knowing that you have stuck to NC for at least a month. At the beginning I couldn’t wait for it to be over, but now I’ve gained more perspective, I think I’m going to continue it for a bit longer. Perhaps even another month.
I’ve definitely been going through the break-up cycle of emotions and grief. Sometimes I’m furious, other times I’m sad and down, but then I’m happy and actually proud of myself and my life. Kevin called it a rollercoaster… it certainly has been!
I haven’t heard from my ex and I didn’t expect to. He needs to space as much, if not more, than I do. SO much about our relationship has started to make sense to me, and I reckon he’s probably going through a lot of the same emotions and epiphanies that I am. Therapy has also been really useful (as out Kevin’s emails and worksheets) and I can already feel myself becoming a better person, a better communicator and it’s really great.
Of course I’m still sad, I still miss my ex. But I’ve also started to realise the abundance mindset.
My self esteem was on the floor a month ago, but now I realise it didn’t have to be. I have endless opportunities to find someone who loves me and who is right for me. This person might be my ex, and it might not be. Only time will tell.
Anyway, I just wanted to update anyone that’s on this board who is currently feeling down during NC because it DOES GET BETTER! Even if you haven’t reconciled yet, or maybe you never will, it still really does get better.
As I said my self worth a month ago was really, really low. But it’s amazing how resilient we are. I literally never thought I’d feel better again. I was wrong!
I’ll update again if I decide to contact him. I probably will, but it won’t be for a while.
Yes I think that’s right. Good luck! I hope things work out for you. Keep us updated with what happens!
I think that wouldn’t be a good idea.
Yes, she will definitely be sad and going through a lot of emotions.. but if you both go to each other when you’re feeling bad because you don’t have anyone else, that’s not a loving relationship, that’s a co-dependent one.
Co-dependent relationships are intense and they feel good at the time, but ultimately they are toxic.
You and her both need to lean on other people, or learn to deal with your own insecurities and problems. Problems like expressing feelings – she will only learn to do that on her own. Being with you didn’t prompt her to sort it out, so maybe she will pursue help now.
Everyone feels like their ex will move on and forget about them, or be angry that they’re not contacted during NC, but it’s not that way at all. If you are there for her during this time, you are continuing on the road of being co-dependent.
This sounds harsh, but it’s also not your problem. If she has no-one, that’s her issue to sort out. Humans are incredibly resourceful, and she will make new friends I’m certain of it.
If you get back together, then you can explain why you did NC if she is upset, but I bet she will understand why you did it and she will agree that it was the best thing for you both.
You can’t know, and to be honest she probably doesn’t either. That’s why you both need space, so you can figure it out. You will have a better chance of her regretting the decision if you stay away for a while.
Hey,
Sometimes it’s good to get some perspective! Glad you feel slightly better. Of course, that’s not to give you false hope, but it’s important to remember that the relationship is between you and her, no-one else.
Hmm, well I’m not sure what country you live in, but you can often get financial support for therapy. If you visit a doctor they might be able to refer you and you can get support from the government / health service. Worth looking into anyway! There also might be group sessions in your local area which are often free.
If it’s not likely to happen, then that’s fine. Meditation sounds like a good idea. Have you tried yoga or pilates? I find those are both good for clearing my head!
Hi SH,
Well done for staying strong! The first few days of NC are the hardest, but you have all the right reasons for doing it, so just keep reminding yourself of that.
We all have friends who will say a lot of things throughout a relationship. Let me ask you this: Has anything that any of your friends have said ever had any impact on your own feelings or the decisions you’ve made about your love life? I’m gonna guess the answer is no! Friends are brilliant for support but ultimately their opinions don’t matter. Trust me, nothing her friends say to her will have any impact on what she ultimately decides to do.
It’s so easy to think that she will move on and forget about you, but it’s not the case. I’ve been on both sides of break ups in the past and neither is easier. It’s always difficult. Even if you *know* it’s the right decision, you still think about the other person constantly for a fairly long time. So don’t fret!
The best thing to do is keep on doing what you’re doing. Have you thought about seeing a therapist? I started seeing one a couple of weeks ago and it has already helped enormously. It’s amazing how much you can let go of when you’re talking to an impartial person. There will definitely be a deep-set reason behind why you’re so angry all the time.
