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Good advice everyone thank you, I’m definitely going to not contact him for a while now. I’ll inform you first when I do!
Great to hear Amy 🙂 new people that we meet can be brilliant at boosting our ego. The times where you’re not thinking of him will get longer as time goes on!
Ask yourself this: would you ever forget your ex? Say you were in a new relationship with a new person and you were in love. Would you actually FORGET your ex? I doubt it! When someone is so important to us they stay with us in our hearts and or minds, even when we are over them. Now, there’s no way your ex will move on so soon anyway, so how could he forget you either? Even if he had you’d still be in his thoughts I guarantee it. 🙂
Yes exactly. No contact isn’t the solution or the tactic, it just gives you space to make sense of things. The distance gives you the opportunity to understand why the break-up happened and analyse what went wrong. The real work comes in working on yourself and becoming the best you. Only then will it be right to try and start again with your ex.
We all do it. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I think it’s only something you can learn to do with experience, and that’s what we’re getting now! I’ve never made the realisation before either, but it seems so obvious now. We need to set out in our minds what we want from a relationship and what our boundaries are, before we can invite someone else in. 🙂
Yes you’re definitely right there. It’s easy to blame yourself completely straight after a break up, as I did, but the distance is reminding me that perhaps that wasn’t true and we both made mistakes. I certainly wasn’t 100% happy.
We broke up at the beginning of June and I did 30 days NC, and after a couple of messages I’ve started again and I’m just over 2 weeks into NC for the second time. Time flies doesn’t it?
yes, what did you decide to do Kiya?
I’m fine, just still in no contact for the second time. The more time I spend away with him the more unhappy memories I remember, and it has brought me back down to earth a bit. Not exactly sure how I feel anymore.
Oh man, literally just now?? Is that all it said?
Haha! I just try and be honest I guess. Glad you think my words are helpful! 🙂 That’s what we’re all here for.
Ah it’s gotta be tough going on a holiday that you and your ex were both meant to go on.. but well done for going. You definitely did the right thing. Even if it was hard, I bet you’re glad you went right?
It sounds like he still has a lot of resentment towards you so I’d recommend doing NC again. Anything you say to him now will just make him put his barriers up further. He clearly still needs more time to process the break up and let go of his anger. He will let go of it – it will just take time. Some people hang on to it a lot longer than others. My ex is like that! He’s full of it. But anger is a secondary emotion, and there is always something lying underneath it. So he (both your ex and mine) has to work out what that is himself.
Oh wow, yeah him joining the military sounds really hard on you. That’s like a whole other step of separation from you. I suppose now it’s likely that he will be away for long periods of time? Did he want to join the military while you were together or is this a new dream of his?
I still think NC is the best idea for now. Take 30 days, chill out, and try not to think about what he’s doing. You will probably find the pain eases quicker this time.
Palmtrees, I think you really need to think about it and take some time out. If he wants to be with you he will respect that. I think in a lot of our cases, our relationships failed because we didn’t put up boundaries about behaviours that we weren’t willing to accept. I know I certainly didn’t.
I think you need to make sure you’re aware of what your boundaries are, and then communicate those to him when you’re ready. For example, things that you’re not willing to compromise on, such as your freedom to go out with friends, or not putting up with certain things he says during arguments. I’m not sure what yours will be but you probably do!
So until you have those boundaries clear in your mind, I don’t think you should be getting into a new relationship just yet. I think it’ll probably end in disaster if you do too quickly.
Tell us alllll about the holiday Kiya! How are you feeling about things?
Hey Palmtrees,
What do you mean by its going too fast? It sounds like things are going in a direction you’re not sure of. Have you thought about whether this relationship is right for you? Is it what you want?
So glad to hear it! 😀
Good work on the vague instas. They are so much more effective!
It starts to feel better when you stop trying to make sense of everything in your head and just get on with your life and doing things that make you happy. I think we’ve all come a long way.
Hey Amy,
Not a great deal to report on my end. I’ve been a bit up and down as usual, but the ups get better every day and the downs hurt less every day. 🙂
It was my ex’s sister’s wedding yesterday, which he invited me to a year ago. It was always the intention to go together, so that was a bit hard for me, knowing that he was there without me. But I’m trying not to focus on it. He put up a couple of pictures on Instagram so I’ve just unfollowed him on it now. It doesn’t do me any good looking at his updates, and I have no control over what he does, so what’s the point.
How was your holiday? The French boy sounds interesting!! Even if you didn’t get his number, I bet it was a nice ego boost for you, right? And it goes some way to letting you know your worth and realising that perhaps there are other people out there.
It’s interesting to hear TLV’s viewpoint of your story too.
That sounds hard! But try to ignore the bad feelings. Try and focus on all the fun things you and your friend are doing that you and your ex probably wouldn’t have done. I imagine you’re doing some different activities to what you and your ex wold have done, so focus on how much fun you’re having and how free you are! You have nobody to answer to – own it. 🙂
To be honest the answer is probably none of the above. It’s so easy to get sucked into social media, but if I’m honest he probably just uploaded a picture because.. well.. he wanted to upload a picture. I doubt it’s for your benefit. And obsessing over it is going to make you feel crappy. Unfollow him on insta and on Facebook. You can stay friends but his posts won’t pop up unexpectedly anymore. It helps, trust me! And you can always reverse it.
There’s nothing wrong with posting pictures, especially if you’ve done something really cool. But maybe stick to Instagram and keep them really vague? Pictures of scenes with non-descriptive captions, like just an emoji, and maybe pictures of drinks or animals or whatever. Try not to post any of yourself. This will probably make him wonder what you’re up to. 🙂
Happy birthday catherine! I hope you had an awesome day 🙂
Honestly, it is his loss. I really believe that. You never know what will happen in the future, but I get the sense from you that you’re starting to come around to the idea that you deserve better. It still hurts, sure, but I get the impression that you’re starting to see that he is not the be all and end all of your happiness, and you will find someone who makes you 1000000x happier someday. That might be him when he grows up, who knows! But I’m happy that you’re feeling better about things 🙂To be honest Palmtrees, you’re entitled to be a big stand-offish! If that pushes him away then he’s not worth your time. He should know you’re protecting yourself and he should accept that. If not then you can find someone awesome who will be better!
Have an amazing time Amy! I’m sure it’ll be the perfect distraction 🙂
What have you been texting about? Are you generally having positive conversations or arguing? Does he usually initiate the conversation or is it you?
How long ago was it that you broke up the first time and got back together? Did he make any improvements with talking about his feelings during that time? Or do you think he is very much still the same now as he was way back then?
It’s hard for me to say, and no-one can really make that decision except you. I think you have to consider how all this is affecting you right now. If you are feeling like you’re in a better place now and you’ve done NC for a while, then there’s no hard in seeing how things go, especially if you’re talking and are on good terms. However, if he’s being resentful and mean to you a lot, or if he is just using you as a way to big up his ego, then I think you should try and move on.
Sometimes relationships are just not going to work, because one person simply refuses to change or accept that relationships need compromise. I think you’re doing really great with showing him how you are different, but you have to ask yourself, and answer honestly: has he changed? More importantly, would you be able to realistically have a good and healthy relationship if he hadn’t?
I just meant that they were sent in the very early hours of the morning and he was quite clearly drunk or on something. There were a lot of mixed messages in them, and I’m trying not to read too much into it because I don’t really want to give any value to them. He jumped around from being mean, to blaming me for not accepting him, to saying he was wrong for me, to then saying he was not right in the head… a load of stuff. He’s utterly confused at the minute and I wish him well. If he wants to lash out that’s fine but I won’t accept it forever.
I’m past the winning him back stage in the sense that I know I can’t. I’ve accepted that our old relationship is dead. If we were to ever get back together we would both have to act differently and it would have to be a totally new relationship. It’s not impossible, but it’s easier now to accept that it might not happen.
Ah Catherine try not to worry about that. Loads of people use social media as a means to get their anger and resentment out. I’ve thought about doing it multiple times – I’m just mature enough not to! It doesn’t mean anything. He will change it soon enough.
He knows you’re looking and he obviously wants you to see it. That shows he cares for one reason or another. Hold onto that?
Palmtrees, I started NC at the beginning of June and I did just over 30 days. I sent him a message after that to which he responded twice. He only replies when he’s drunk so far though. He’s said a few weird things in the messages so I’m leaving it for a while.
I think I’m only going to respond if I get a sober message. The way he’s contacted me so far just tells me that he’s still angry about something, so it’s no good trying to talk to him yet.
I’m doing okay. Mostly I’m just used to not having him anymore and I’m trying to move on. I still love him but I know that there’s not much I can do to get him back, he has to work through things himself and reach out to me once he’s figured things out.
