LAbound

Tami,

I think the fact you two have been intimate (not just sex but deep communication of feelings and the after sex behavior) shows that he is emotionally vulnerable. You can continue this and see where it goes, but be warned… he has trust issues, and this may be the extent of it all.

My advice is to not pressure him, but at some point discuss where you two are heading. You don’t want to be that “friend” right? how long do you think you can prolong this role, no matter how great it feels?

As of late, Idk anymore. I am slipping a bit. I have reverted back to nightmares and literally screaming myself awake. My ex reassures me that she is honest and loyal to our future, and she will do whatever it takes to prove that I am who she wants to be with. However, I can see my nightmares an anxiety is taking a toll on her. We had sex for the very first time in 9 months, last night. It was great. She wasn’t insecure. We were able to express what we wanted without her becoming defensive. The only thing wrong was my emotional connectivity. It wasn’t there. It was simply me reaching an orgasm, but in a really nice way. I think it’s because of my current fear of her liking some guy that she hit on through fb, right before I started speaking to her again. She told me that there is nothing going on, and I let it go for a few weeks. Well, they’re on the same sports team. I asked her straight up, do you have a crush or interested in this guy? She hesitated, and then, as if it were a script that she had memorized.. said the exact same lines that she gave me when she hooked up with the first guy when barely out of our relationship. She says it’s not the same, and that she hesitated because she feels like no matter what she says..I won’t believe her. I told her that her behavior has been sketchy surrounding this guy. Today, for instance, I was supposed to go watch her play her sport. The guy walked in when we (the rest of the team) were eating breakfast before everyone had to get on the bus to go to the game. There was no contact between them. They didn’t even say hi. Which was so odd to me, because she went out with her teammates a few days prior and this guy was there. And she had said that he was a really nice guy and told me about him. Now, all of a sudden, there’s a vibe of awkwardness. She sat by me at this breakfast, and I made physical contact with her. I rubbed her shoulders and her arm that had been hurting. She didn’t return any type of physical contact. She then said, after we were done eating, that she was going to go to the bathroom. I said, oh..okay I’ll walk with you because I need to go too. Well, I started off, and she didn’t follow. I looked back and she was just looking at me. I went to the bathroom, and when I came out she was in the bathroom. I waited for her, but she was weird when she came out. And again, we ended up behind this guy in line to pay for breakfast, and not one work in passing between the two of them. I asked my ex who was she sitting by on the bus to go to the event. She said she plans on getting a seat in the back, but that she will end up sitting with whoever sits down. Well, as the bus pulls off.. I can see her staring at me from the window of the bus..and then I see the guy sitting right next to her. I feel like she’s not being honest. The vibes I’m getting are too real to be just paranoia. I mean..there’s this secret teammate thing they have going on, and she “randomly selected” this guy. So, the rest of the season.. she has to buy little gifts for him. I asked was it really random or was did she choose him. She said it was random. well, she had made the comment of calling this guy her bus buddy. I asked her, “So, you are sitting with him?” She said, “No, I didn’t mean to say bus buddy. I meant to say secret teammate.” I replied, “Do you have plans to sit with him on the bus?” She said, “no. I’ll sit with whoever sits down next to me.” I then let it go.. but after I watched her pull off, sitting by him…I just feel there’s no way she’s being honest.

I told her she was a fucking liar through text, and I turned my car around and went home. I then took a nap, but woke up screaming from a nightmare of her fucking this other guy. I looked at my phone, and she said that she is extremely sad that after we made love that I would think that about her. That she wasn’t doing anything wrong, and that she wants to be able to get past all of this and be happy together. She also said she understands why I’d think the way I do, and that she realizes it’s her fault. I just replied with, “I love you. Good luck. Please stretch before you play.”

What do you guys think?

I know I have fear. The nightmares are proof. But really..am I being paranoid.. or do you guys believe in vibes? I mean, I know my ex. I’ve known her most of my life. The hesitation when I asked her about her crushing on him, the coincidental pairing up on the bus.. the message to him indicating she liked him right before I popped back in the picture..the awkward behavior at the restaurant.

She’s reassuring me that there’s nothing there, but has said that she thinks this guy is attractive. Which I found to be so ridiculous to say… but she insists that it’s not like that and she doesn’t want to have sex with him. That she only wants me as her man.

I usually give advice, but right now.. I NEED SOME. I feel like no matter what, it’s still too toxic to try to be together. Maybe what she’s done has put the final nail in the coffin, and we’re both too stupid to see it.

Tami,

Thank you for all the great, positive words! 🙂

Kalicooldude,

In a lot of cases, mind I don’t know your story, time and space is what is needed. She cared enough to see how you were. Just continue to make positive changes in your life and stay strong!

Patrick,

I live with my ex. She has a spare space, and she has agreed not to pressure me too much about a relationship. The first night I came to stay with her, it was so awkward. lol I just played it cool and calm. She wouldn’t stop staring at me, and so I asked, “what are you staring at?” She’s like, “I want to ask for a hug but I’m afraid you’ll say no.” lol It was oddly nice to see her so vulnerable to me. It’s being going great, and she respects my need for space and all that good stuff. We’re having a lot of fun together. Thanks for the positive words.

Gemi,

I think you should definitely stick to No Contact. It’s really hard, but you can do it.

I guess I should ask, how long were you two together? How long did you date before you were officially “together”?

Some people, depending on their personality type, can’t handle too much added pressure outside of their own personal struggle. If he was having stress from work, and then you added to that when you lost your job.. it is understandable that problems between the both of you would arise. Being a solid person, able to stand on your own two feet and help with the weight of stress is important for the both of you. Seems like that was really unbalanced. Also, it seems like you understand this. That’s a good thing.

He is emotionally immature. It’s up to you to take the reigns and force him to grow up just enough to see that his behavior is not only immature, but unacceptable. Your love matters, and you should show him that you refuse to waste it on someone who acts indifferent when you are willing to give it. After he gets the much needed clue, you two can eventually work on maturing together. I’m sure you’re not completely innocent. none of us are! lol Breakups and love are straight up messy and can bring out the worst in people. But it can bring out the best in people too. To me, breakups are a blessing. They uncover the beautiful and the ugly.

With that, I have to say your man acts from the ego. This isn’t a good sign. My ex acts from her ego as well. She turns into a child (or did anyway) when her ego was bruised. If you love him, let him go. It sounds crazy, but letting go can be the saving of something that, in your case, seemed really special and passionate. Letting him go will force him to open his eyes if he really loves you.

At this point, if you keep giving in to him.. you will become a bigger doormat. Never let anyone make your love seem worthless. NEVER! You deserve real, beautiful, passionate love.. and if he can’t man up and give it to you.. you will find it with someone else.

One of the heartaches I get when I read certain stories on here, usually come from the people that don’t realize their worth. Know yours! I know what you had was real. You’re hopeful of a future where you can once again be wrapped up in his arms and feel the burning passion that was there before. But you have to understand that love and sex can act as a drug. It is a drug, to be honest. There is a chemical reaction that happens with females when they have sex with a guy. The reaction makes them feel a strong emotional attachment. Going for no contact will help you break this addiction and approach the situation with a clear mind and heart. It will also give him time to wake the fuck up.

I hope this helps. Maybe it’s not exactly what you’re looking for. I’ll be around to answer any more questions as often as possible. Stick to NC! No matter what.

You have a good mindset about it all. You’ve been so calm seeming (which I’m sure you’ve had weaker moments) but I really do think you’ll be great in no time.

One of the things I was open about with my ex was that I think maybe I should date others. She doesn’t want me to, but she is really understanding about my feelings. Which is so odd considering the last 9 months. lol

Don’t concentrate on how long it will take him. It could be sooner than expected or later than wanted. And who knows.. maybe you won’t even care in the next few months because you’ll be living a happy life and totally focused on yourself.

She sent a really long fb message.. and then text that said she understands my need for space..and she is going to do whatever it takes to prove to me that we can be together..and that she has changed. She explained a lot, again. And she said that a fog lifted, that she stalked me on twitter where I was happy, cute and confident…saying funny things and uplifting things..and she said it made her see positive changes. She then said she’s changed too and looked at the guy she was dating and said to herself, “Me and **** have made all this progress and I’m wasting my progress on this guy who isn’t worth it. Who I don’t see myself with in the future.”

I am not giving in quickly. I told her that I don’t feel the same way about her. And I don’t. I’ve come to realize that although I do love her immensely, I am not as in love with her as before. I told her that we can form a friendship down the road, and see what happens but that I enjoy where my life is going and I won’t risk it for her or anyone else. She is really proud of me. I am the “boss” she used to see me as. A confident, happy person with ambition. She is different too, but I am so confused Atea. It seems so abrupt, and I dont want to dive right in because she’s done this before. She has been asking me to come home through text the last few days.

I don’t think NC is necessary right now, but I told her I want space from her..and that constantly speaking and talking of a future puts unwanted pressure on me so we can chit chat every once in a while.. but anything more is not what I want right now.

She seems to understand, and she said she will do what it takes. I am going to throw a test at her though. I am going to reply to just a few texts messages, and then go silent for about a day or so. I want to see what she’s going to do.

Oh yeah.. I told her even to be friends we need to go to therapy. She agreed, and now because I told her I don’t feel the same anymore.. she really wants me to go so I can try to rekindle those flames I used to have.

haha Life is crazy, Atea.