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Just a minor update. We are still together. We moved in together and she told me that she has never been happier with our relationship. I guess I did something right.
What I would do is meet in two weeks, be happy and unaffected by everything. Work on yourself. In the meeting, do not talk about the relationship at all. Then after the meeting, regardless of what is said or what happens, go NC for a month. I think that saying anything now about not wanting to meet would just make you sound like you are pouting.
Update: We are together again. We have been for 6 weeks. She has changed and is being pretty good. I don’t know how long it will last this time, but of course, “permanently” is the goal, otherwise what is the point?
She did like the flowers. We’ve been talking and seeing each other when we can.
Today she said it. She told me she wants me back. She said she has wanted me back for a while but only today has she mustered the courage to tell me.
I am still skeptical, but opening up gradually. I told her that I think we should keep seeing each other and keep talking. I told her that I don’t intend to see other people. It wasn’t quite the answer that she wanted but she is alright with it.
The site here suggests that you should go on at least one date during NC. I don’t think it says anything about having sex.
However, I can say that for me, seeing someone else and having sex during NC did help a little. If you do, I’d be careful not to rebound. I would not advertise it if you have seen anyone else when you end NC. It’s really none of her business anyway, as you two are broken up.
I saw her again on Sunday and we talked a bit. We agreed to take it show and see how things go. I would not say we are officially back together. I don’t know if this is going to work out or not, as I am not sure that she has changed enough. Time will tell. She may also go back to her boyfriend too. It’s very early to tell.
I am having flowers delivered to her on V-day. It seemed like a good idea when I ordered them yesterday, but now I am wondering if it’s too much too soon. Oh well, what’s done is done, and we’ll see how that plays out.
I met her for dinner.
Predictably, she’s had serious issues with her relationship. They are on a break right now. It was his idea to split like this, but she told me the time apart made her realize she doesn’t want him back. They haven’t moved in together yet but he has some stuff at her place, still has a key and such, and there is other baggage to unravel that could take a while.
After dinner she suggested that she doesn’t want the evening to end. I wanted to test if she was serious so once outside I moved in to kiss her and she kissed back passionately. At least I wasn’t in the friend zone. We went to my place and she spent the night.
I talked to her today. I’m not sure yet what will happen. She may just have needed a night with me to realize she wants to go back to her boyfriend, or maybe this will help her end things with him because she has realized she was rebounding. And not only was she rebounding with him, he was rebounding with her too, worse than she is.
In any case I don’t know that we will get back together, or that we even should. I made no promises except to say that we can see each other again. I know I need to be really careful from here. The jury is still out as to whether she will get back with her boyfriend or not. If she does, then it’s time for me to be gone for good.
In my message I brought up good things from the past. She was happy to hear from me and said she missed me. She said she feels the same way about the past when things were good, and said she misses the way we were, and said we should talk about that (whatever that means). She said she wants to talk on the phone and have lunch with me.
However, she suggested she is still with the guy, and that he will know it when we have lunch or talk. Also, from something she said, I have a feeling she wants to put me in the friend zone. I suppose time will tell what happens here.
I wouldn’t overthink this one. Sometimes friends means she isn’t attracted, but sometimes it means she met someone else and you’re a backup plan. Neither is good, but if you are OK with being a second choice to her, it wouldn’t hurt to go NC for a month and check back in though.
I’ve been friends with women I have dated before, but women can’t expect to just unwind the clock back to friendship after having sex, so I usually say no to that. It doesn’t work that way, not with me, anyway.
One way that thinking of the good times in the past benefits me is to help me have higher standards for future relationships.
I don’t know if she is still dating or has moved in with the other guy. One way to find out is to contact her. I’ll do that today and see what happens.
My second round of NC hit 30 days yesterday. I can’t believe it went so fast.
I went through many phases in this time. The first phase was disgust and the next phase I hated her passionately. The disgust has gone away and although I don’t hate her anymore, I am hesitant to contact her. I am still upset about her selfishness and disrespectful treatment of me the last year-and-a-half we were together. When I think back, I can’t believe I put up with some of that stuff.
It is easy to say I should have stood up for myself, but that is difficult. It was impossible to work anything out with her. It is sad to think about how my feelings for her have deteriorated and how my thoughts of the future have changed. I remember just under two years ago thinking about marriage, thinking of the details of us building a life together. And now I can barely stomach the thought of communicating with her again.
What hasn’t gone away are feelings of physical attraction for her, and missing the way we were during the first 4 years (she was good to me then.) Probably just ask her to lunch, as I don’t really even want to text or talk, if I do anything it will be in person.
At this point, though, I should probably just wait and see if my thought of her get better, because right now, it feels like I should just stay silent.
The elephant is after the NC, as I understand it.
I think you need to do NC, but given the length of your relationship I would say do less than 30 days, maybe a couple of weeks, and I am basing that on some advice in the comments section of this site.
Thanks for the compliments, I have been through a lot. One thing that keeps me strong is learning that the grief you feel from heartbreak is actually your brain changing. Of course grief sucks so we desperately try to get our exes back so we don’t have to go through it. But by doing NC we can experience that grief without trying to hide from it. It hurts a lot more but the grief changes us for the better if we let it.
Sometimes being more concise is better, as instead of “I’m not expecting us to get back because I don’t think we’re ready” it may be better to just say “maybe we’re not ready.”
I briefly dated this woman once who I thought was great, but she was like yours, still going through a breakup. And I was working on something in my life too. She was pretty unsure of how things were going, so I told her that I think she is pretty much exactly what I am looking for, but maybe we aren’t ready. If we try this again in a few months when the timing is right, we could really be great together.
She really liked that and soon we entered into a relationship.
I agree with Patricia. It sounds like she does love you but the job is a real hot-button issue for her and you do need to correct that before you have much of a chance at getting back. It’s understandable, as a guy having a job is a pretty basic requirement for nearly all women.
