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Posts
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She finally blocked me on IG. I guess things weren’t going as good as I thought. I’m devastated.
After you get your life together, there might be a chance later on.. Think positive for now and focus on what you need to do to improve your life…
I’ve been going by the motto “you only fail if you give up”. I know our love was special, real special, compared to all our other past relationships especially for her. I know she loved me intensely and it broke her heart to have to break up with me. She wants me to prove to her I can get on my feet and I will do it.
I know i shouldn’t regret but I regret not talking to her about getting back together and the plan we needed to take to make us work when I saw her for the last time. I was too scared it would go south and just wanted to enjoy the night with her and her kid.
I did a couple of big things recently that I believe were a good and healthy choice.
The biggest thing was i deleted our conversation history on my phone. I kept living in there, in the past, and kept looking at our messages and photos we exchanged. It was hard but I did it. I do regret it because I’m one to keep everything but it was preventing me from moving on and I was losing precious time living in the past.
I also put everything she has ever given me in a box and put it away. I essentially had a shrine in my room. That also I believe wasn’t healthy. I put the clothes she gave me away too because wearing it was just a constant reminder of her.
I blocked her IG and her number as well.
I’m not trying to forget her but out of side and out of mind just so I can start really getting my stuff together. Like the website said, I am addicted to her and all these things were a way of getting my fix of her and that wasn’t allowing me to reach sobriety.
I want to be happy on my own. I want to be my own man. I have my plans for the coming years and now is the time to act and not stop working. That was my problem with the relationship. I was comfortable and had no real drive to be my own thing. It should never have been like that. I was doing the minimum to keep her happy and to just focus on the relationship and that wasn’t right of me. I should have been trying to be the best damn person I could be in all areas of my life.
I know I can be insanely successful if only I do and not say.
I want to read so many books to educate myself. I want to cut all time wasters and be doing something that helps achieve my goals at all times. I want to work to pay off debts and save money and on my off time I want to work on my goals. I want to open up my gym and eatery. I want to do my inventions. She said I “have wonderful ideas and she could have supported me but I wasn’t willing to do the work” and she was right. I let them stay ideas instead of working on them. That’s what also put her off of me.
I believe if I work super hard on myself. Achieve my goals, little by little, and work on bettering myself in all aspects, and show her when the time is right that I can get her back.
I love her deeply. I want to become equal partners. I want to grow. I just need to start doing it.
Time does go by fast.
My friends brother told me that it works a hundred percent of the time that if you just move on, work on yourself, go on dates, that they will definitely contact you. I am just not ready yet. It’s only been a couple of months and now I’m finally going to start on myself, really start on myself. I do worry that she will move on by the time I am ready, since I need a lot of time, but I also have to remind myself that it won’t be easy for her. I want to believe that she is going through the same emotional intensity of our separation as I am. Like the website said, it will take a while. I just feel that since she blocked me this last time that she finally moved on but I guess my mind is playing games with me. I know she loved me incredibly and she is thinking of me…. I dreamt of her last night for the first time in a couple of weeks. It was a crazy dream and not really a happy one. It was so weird.
Anyways happy New Years everyone !
Happy New Year to you too. It was a good idea to pack away the things she gave you as now it won’t be in your face as reminders. But you also need to control your obsessive thoughts.
Have you heard anything about the Intel job? Tomorrow is Friday and you said they would make a decision by the end of this week. Have you been job hunting in the meantime? A mature man has a job so that should be your first priority.
Have you been drinking again and going to bars? Sometimes getting drunk causes a person to stay in limbo, lose ambition to improve life, and dwell on negative thoughts. You’re right, you need to stop thinking of bettering yourself and make more effort to do it!
Have you been back to therapy? If you’re still staying at your cousin’s place, have you been helping with household chores?
Let us know when you get a job..
Yup I’m working on controlling those thoughts. I’m mapping out my life and that’s keeping my mind off of her, for the most part.
I haven’t heard yet but that position has been open for a month now. I’m guessing they are going through a long list of names to decide on. I have been searching for more. I want to hold down multiple jobs and really hustle hard now. I know I can do it, it’s just doing it.
No I haven’t gone to a bar. I drank on New Years at my friends house but only had two mixed drinks for the whole night. I really want to go sober actually because it is a depressant regardless and to stop spending money on stuff that isn’t helping me. I want to increase (or start rather) my income and decrease my spending. So many things to change and for the better!
I barely got back to my hometown. I scheduled a session for tomorrow. I actually want to stop going. I don’t know yet. I know it’s good because it lets me talk things out but also I let myself get to that bad state and i can get myself out by being productive in a positive direction (by doing the aforementioned) towards my goals. I had no real path and was just going with the flow but now I’m going to do it my way.
I’m no longer at my cousins, thankfully! I have my own bed and can live how I want to, and do what i want and when I want it and not be disturbed by others. Feels good.
I’m hoping intel calls tomorrow but we shall see!
Today I got called from a number from her hometown and I thought it was intel but it was for the aerial field photographer position and it’s been like three weeks since the interview. He let me know they chose another person. I was more disappointed that it wasn’t intel, haha!
But that means intel must be meant for me! 😉
What do you mean by you have your own bed?
Saying Intel must be meant for you is wishful thinking, not practical thinking. Making more job applications will probably get you a job sooner or later.
I mean I’m back at my home with my mom with my own room and own bed. I’ve been sleeping in a cot for a good while since the breakup and it’s nice to be in an actual bed
Yes I’ve been searching and applying still. Practically I don’t think I’m going to get a job in the area I studied for so long. I’m just going to have to work hard doing a non degreed job. I am scared but also excited
Glad you’re with your mom. Getting a job of any sort would be a step forward. Lots of people in low end jobs continue to search for better jobs. Just get a job ASAP.
Sorry you didn’t get the Intel job..
What a god damn ride it has been.
She finally emailed me this past week.
She apologized how the night we last saw each other went and asked how I was. She then talked about why she loves me and why she left me. She said she misses me and thinks about me everyday. She says I’m the love of her life. She says her kid asks about me constantly. She wonders if the break up was a mistake. All in all a good email.
I replied addressing her questions and her points and she replies with just a “I love you”
Yesterday I had to go to court close to her city and I called her while I was on my way. We talked for an hour and I asked if I could spend the night and she agreed.
I get there and we have a beer and then make love for the rest of the night. The passion was high.
Today we made love and took a shower together and had breakfast. I went to court but came back to hang with her until I had to leave back home. We talked things through during lunch about what our next move was.
We ran some more errands and then we go to a coffee shop to get some caffeine in me before I leave back home. We talk more intensely, about our future and maybe having a child together.
I bring up the topic about me having a job. I told her I know I have to have a job to be a productive member of society and to pay off my debts and what not but I ask her to clarify her desire for me to have a job because I felt that it was a condition for her love instead of both being separate entities. She told me that she finds it unattractive and that it makes me look like a bum and she doesn’t want to bring me around anyone when I don’t have a job. She says that it’s not about the money but it would be nice to be taken out and she got visibly disturbed. She took off to the bathroom and came back and she says that I brought up a point that made her realize that she doesn’t find me attractive and she storms off. I got my keys from her truck and she told me to leave.
I left back to my hometown flabbergasted and in disbelief. I laughed at what had just occurred because of how obscure it felt. I asked her a question and she blew up on me. Idk what to think.
It was going all so well. She emails me professing her intense love for me, we see each other and passionately enjoy each other’s company. We spend the day running errands and having fun and with one single question she says she realizes she’s my attracted to me.
I mean I know it’s imoortant to have a job but I felt that her love was purely conditional on me having a job. I just wanted to clarify and understand her point of view in the subject matter.
She mentioned how her previous lovers never had a job and now I feel that she lumped me into that group. I think it’s unfair based on the circumstances of myself as an individual but I believe she feels that she’s falling into the same cycle as before and being taken advantage of.
When she told me to get out of her truck I just said goodbye. I haven’t tried to reach out.
I know I need to get a job and have been continuing my search and it was too early to meet with her without acquiring the one thing she desired from me and it just frustrated her and especially when I asked that question.
Why did you have to go to court?
I believe she suddenly realized you have a history of cheating, drinking too much and don’t have a job. These are not things that make for a good long term relationship.
You’re right you shouldn’t have called her and asked if you could spend the night! And yes, it was too early due to the fact that you haven’t gotten a steady job yet.
You wrote:”I ask her to clarify her desire for me to have a job”.. Don’t know why you even had to ask such a question. Love and respect go hand in hand. She doesn’t respect that part of you that’s a “bum” and she finds it “unattractive”. She wants a man she can be proud of. Is that so difficult to understand?
For when my car broke down on me at the airport during my interview last month. The cop considered it abandoned and a danger to public traffic
I think it isn’t the drinking or cheating. It’s really just about the job. It’s been two months and change and I still don’t have a job and it’s getting to her then I asked that dumb question.
I don’t know what compelled me to ask her that. I feel that i just wanted to hear her say “prove to me you’re not using me”.
So now what? The only way is to get a job right? If she contacts me I better have one this time around….
I don’t want to give up but I feel that she has now but I have been wrong before….
I agree with Patricia. It sounds like she does love you but the job is a real hot-button issue for her and you do need to correct that before you have much of a chance at getting back. It’s understandable, as a guy having a job is a pretty basic requirement for nearly all women.
Yeah I know having a job is a basic requirement for life.
She called me today and we talked about it.
She said the question was insulting and that I don’t know her even though I claim that I do. However I do know, what I did was ask an asinine question to which I already knew the answer for.
She feels that I don’t want to work. She feels that “it’s my lifestyle that I’ve live off of people”. I understand that it looks like that to her. I didn’t defend myself, I just listened. She said that’s why I asked that question.
However I don’t think it’s fair of her to compare me to her ex lovers. I am just starting out in joining the workforce. I grew up vastly different than her. Her father made her work since she was a teen. I was fortunate that my mother never wanted me to work telling me to focus on my studies. I didn’t have the lifestyle of a bum/freeloader, I had the lifestyle of a student. And I just graduated school so I’m making a big transition in my life going from a student to having a career. But she doesn’t see that, she sees it from her perspective based off her previous experiences with these men. I want to tell her that, to differentiate myself from them but I feel that it’s not worth it and actions speak louder than words and all I have to do is get a job.
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